[Rondidondi]

My 16 year son called me last night asking me for help with a situation his close friends are going through. Yep-at 16 his best friend J, and his now ex-girlfriend A are 5 months along.
A is currently talking with the same adoption councelor I did, when I was going throught the process. She wants to talk with me and the adoption councelor together. I agreed. I am fully willing to be there for her. My son has told me she is also thinking of parenting.
C is rebelling. He won't talk to my son about it, he wants the baby to be put up for adoption and have nothing to do with it. My son is very upset about this. I have explained that his reaction is probably due to fear and he needs to continue to be there for him as a friend.
I was pregnant at 16 and parented my son. He is the one I am refering to here. So, I can relate to J and A's situation.
I also had an adoption plan for my now 1 yr old. I couldn't go through with the adoption plan and chose parenting. So, I also know abit about this process.
I want to help these two, both are AWESOME kids, they do well in school, sports and are always welcome at my home. I'm kinda stuck though. Should I first talk with the parents? Both parents are aware of the pregnancy. I tried to think what I would like if my son was in this prodictament. I think I would like the other parent to talk with me first.
I so want to make sure the agency doesn't play the same "games" with her as they did with me. I want to help her make a very educated decision.
What would you do if you were in my shoes? I'd appreciate any advice you would have.
Thanx

[kune]

I think I would ask A if she would like to discuss the various options available to her....before meeting the adoption counsellor. Just a woman to woman talk .....with someone who has been there already and knows how it feels to be in the same circumstances.

Good luck.......(your own son sounds like a very mature and enlightened young man!!)

Ann

[bromanchik]

I would definately talk to A. Make sure she's getting full options and to relate your experiences.

What kind of adoption is she thinking of?

[josh1788smom]

Do you know A's parents? Either way it could be tricky. Does A come around your house much? If she does, maybe you could casually talk to her a little bit. I do think I would call her mother and say you had been asked about talking to her. I don't know how exactly because you would not want to make A feel as though you are throwing her under the bus, if you know what I mean. It's a tricky place. If the parents want her to go adoption, they may not want you telling her that other options are plausible. Do you know the parents' thoughts? Good luck to you with sorting this out.

[Rondidondi]

I have not been able to get A off my mind, so I stayed up way too late last night getting her some info together.
I printed off a copy of the brochure -What You Should Know If You Are Considering Adoption - I found this after bring my son home, and WOW you wouldn't believe how I had done almost everything they recommend you not do in this brochure. Bromanchik, you were part of this, weren't you?
I then went to my blog and printed off any post that commenters said I should have expectant mothers read.
One of them being a letter I wrote to my adoption councelor, Mag. A is speaking with Mag as well. I do love Mag to death, but her job is adoption and I fear she won't look at parenting with A. Heck-I was 32yrs old and she didn't with me.
I wrote her a small letter, expressing the need to educate herself on adoption and parenting. I told her, her life will not be the same no matter what she chose. And of course I told her I was here for her to talk with.
Andrew has told me she is thinking of parenting. I told A I would begin to research resources in our area for her. Andrew also heard through someone else that A's mother was thinking of raising the child. I think it's best that A FULLY EXPLORE ALL her options right now and I will help her with that.

If the parents want her to go adoption, they may not want you telling her that other options are plausible. Do you know the parents' thoughts?

I thought about this BIG time and in the end I realized, it's NOT her parents choice. As a parent myself, this would be hard to except, but so true. I've read way too many stories of current birth/firstmothers regretting doing what their parents forced them to do. This is one situation the parents have NO SAY in, they can't sign that TPR.
I really haven't given her any info she wouldn't find on the internet. I also encouraged her to come here to the forum and speak with everyone. I think that would help her a GREAT deal, I hope she does.

your own son sounds like a very mature and enlightened young man!!)

Kune-Thank you! My son ROCKS! He's so AWESOME and I couldn't be prouder of him. And he is living proof that a 16yr old CAN parent! I did it all on my own, I had moved out of my mothers house and all. I did something right!
Thanks all for your comments. Please continue to advice me, if you know of other great resources I'd love to hear them.

[quantum]

How lucky are these kids to have you! That's something that I wish I'd had back in the day!
Kudos to you!!

[Rondidondi]

quantum - Thank you. I don't think I'd be able to help them though, if it weren't for everything I learnt through this forum and other places. And well, of course my own experiences.
So, in all respect...KUDOS to all of you that have educated me and given me the strength to help others!

Just incase anybody is interested...she AND HER FATHER liked all the information I gave her yesturday. I am SO HAPPY she is able to talk with her father about it. Which shows us he is a support system for her. OH - I AM SO HAPPY she has him.

[taramayrn]

I'm glad the teenagers have got a good resource in you. I would also encourage you to talk with the expectant mom if she is willing to talk with you.

[Rondidondi]

taramayrn - I'm glad the teenagers have got a good resource in you. I would also encourage you to talk with the expectant mom if she is willing to talk with you.

Yes - I do plan on talking with her. She actually asked my son if I would talk with her. She is showing that she is weighing her options very wisely.
My son told me today that she is currently leaning more towards parenting right now, but still educating herself both ways. She's a smart cookie! Her parents are supporting her as well. Though the father still has not accepted being a father and is still kinda ignoring the whole think, I pray he comes around. His parents live out of state and have called April to support her as well. I guess they even sent her some money for clothing. Nice jester - ah?
I believe whatever decision she makes in the end, will be the one she TRULY has educated herself on. And in he heart knows is the right choice.
I really can't wait to talk with her.

[taramayrn]

I'm glad to hear she has the support of her parents.

[thanksgivingmom]

Can I just applaud you for being so awesome about helping her get opinions and resources? Between here and your blog (I just happened across it, thought, I recognize this story from somewhere, then put two and two together!) you're being an awesome ally for her right now, something I wish all women in crisis pregnancies woud have!

And your son sounds like an awesome kid too.

Like others, I am also very pleased her parents are being supportive.

Please keep us posted on this!

[Oceans]

With an enormous amount of respect, I have to caution you. I am in a similar situation except I am a member of the Mom’s family. My niece has a well intentioned but quite frankly un-welcomed member of her church counseling her to parent. This woman does not know my niece, does not know her dreams and ambitions, does not know her emotional state of mind, her capabilities, or her family… And in the end, she is causing my niece more harm and confusion than good. Why? Because she is sugar coating the trials and tribulations of being a 16 year old parent and playing into the fantasies of 16 year old girl.

I have a HUGE amount of respect for your parenting decision and it sounds like you have done well but as you know, you beat the odds and (all due respect) I feel like you may unintentionally counsel her to parent. I believe this because I was a b-mom to a beautiful son several years ago and chose adoption. Early on in helping my niece I realized I am not the impartial voice that she needs most right now. What she needs is my un-conditional love and support.

My niece has chosen adoption (wide-open) but the stories and offers of support from this woman are making her feel guilty for this choice. I (her family) have decided not to “restrict” her access to this woman but invariably I am left to mop up the tears of frustration and guilt.

What I did intially to help my niece was to interview MANY counselors for her, then let HER interview a chosen few. It sounds like you do not like/trust the counselor she is working with. Maybe that’s a way you can help. Help her to find one who is impartial…

However, if you want to get involved, you need to talk to her parents to get “on-board” and STAY “on-board” with them. If you have a concern – go to them first. You are not in a position to know all the information about her. Think about your son. How would you feel about someone counceling him about a life altering decision without your permission or knowledge...

Please do some soul searching before you take on the role of councilor or helper to this girl. She is so fragile and easily manipulated right now. If you can honestly say you have no bias either way then call her parents and offer your support. If you can’t be un-bias, then step back and let her family do their job. If she chooses to parent on her own, then you have all the time in the world to help her negotiate that path and she will be lucky to have you.

There are no wrong decisions here, only consequences to the choices made…

Just my 2 cents…..

[kune]

There is certainly a lot of wisdom in your post Oceans. It's always good to have all sides covered and your perspective definitely has merit, especially your suggestion to turn it around and consider how as a parent we would feel if someone else was counselling our child?

I do know Rondidondi has already thought that through as per an earlier post.

Someone asked her

.....If the parents want her to go adoption, they may not want you telling her that other options are plausible. Do you know the parents' thoughts?

And her reply was.......

I thought about this BIG time and in the end I realized, it's NOT her parents choice. As a parent myself, this would be hard to except, but so true. I've read way too many stories of current birth/firstmothers regretting doing what their parents forced them to do. This is one situation the parents have NO SAY in, they can't sign that TPR.
I really haven't given her any info she wouldn't find on the internet. I also encouraged her to come here to the forum and speak with everyone. I think that would help her a GREAT deal, I hope she does.

But....perhaps this is a timely reminder that it is in the young woman's interests to look at all options but for the adults around her to reinforce that the final decision is hers....and hers alone. And of course that they will support her every inch of the way. It's something that almost all bmoms lament - the fact that the choice was foisted on them and they carry the scars forever.

Regards Oceans.....a very good post.
Ann

[MamaS]

I would disagree that the parents have "no say" in the matter. They may not be able to sign the TPR, but they can sign an arrest warrant charging the bfather with statuatory rape. They can turn their daughter over to Juvenile Court as a "minor person in need of supervision". They can sign an emancipation decree, freeing themselves from responsibility for their daughter's medical bills, or any bills the baby might accrue. What if the baby has a medical emergency at birth - needs surgery for cleft palate, etc.? Of course a good counselor can give the b-mother information on all the government programs and handouts, but the government doesn't hold her hand when she goes into labor?
As a mother who has had the experience of a pregnant teenager, I would highly resent anyone telling me "I had no say" -- unless that person were prepared to financially, physically, and legally take my place as a parent/grandparent.

[Mommy24]

Wow, emancipate my child in a crisis? Turn her over to Juvenile court? I would hope more parents would step up and be supportive in what is most likely the hardest time in her life.

Te best advice I have, help her get unbiased counseling, encourage her to talk to her mom, and be there for emotional support...she will need all the love and support she can find while she navigates through this highly emotional time.

Best of luck!