[leyfields]

What a year... you know they say that being 20 is the hardest year because it's the last year before you can legally drink. Guess what! That's not a problem for me! I guess it was 2 months after I turned 20 that I had an inkling that I may be pregnant. I had just started a new relationship with a great guy and I was finally happy after too many bad jobs and disgusting guys hitting on me. I am now 8 months pregnant. The daddy and I have been exploring adoption for some time now as we see that as the best option for us and for the baby. We are now living together and very happy, however neither of us have the financial stability or the experience necessary to give this baby the best home. Recently, though, we have run into some difficulties. We found a family we really liked through a girlfriend of mine. They seemed absolutely perfect and I would never have known that her aunt and uncle had been looking to adopt. I think that was our first mistake. Since we started really talking with them, we have learned that they were almost chosen twice before and are therefore VERY excited about the possibility of adopting our baby. Unfortunately, they seem a bit too excited. I believe it is mostly my fault for choosing a family so close to my own, but they are starting to make me uncomfortable. They have notified their entire family of this joyous occasion. Good for them! THen the entire family decided it was necessary to call me and give me advice. My friend, the niece, has recently taken to calling me 'Preggers' in public and sends me constant e-mails asking how her cousin is doing and telling me that I had better make sure to take care of 'her cousin, Shelby' (they named the kid that's still in my belly... and call her by that name ALL THE TIME) The family also refuses to go through the adoption agency that my now fiancee and I have chosen to handle the adoption . They told me they didn't want to have to go through another home study so they wanted to use an adoption attorney and complete the adoption privately.
Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable with all this? And what, if anything, could/would I do if I felt so uncomfortable that I decided to find another family?? If anyone has suggestions, please let me know! I only have 60 days left until 'SHELBY' is born... (my frustration isn't that obvious, is it?)

[Lilly's Mommy]

Originally Posted by leyfields

Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable with all this? And what, if anything, could/would I do if I felt so uncomfortable that I decided to find another family?? If anyone has suggestions, please let me know! I only have 60 days left until 'SHELBY' is born... (my frustration isn't that obvious, is it?)

You are not wrong for feeling uncomfortable with this. Hearing the way this family is behaving makes my skin crawl with "wrongness" (pardon the word). PLEASE, find another family! It is completely wrong for them to be treating your child as if she is already theirs. YOU are the mother until AFTER the baby is born and AFTER your rights are terminated, IF that is what you decide to do at that time.

I'm also alarmed that they don't want another homestudy. Sure, they may want to avoid the $$, but you deserve to know that the family you choose has been thoroughly screened. (I don't know the state you're in. In mine there's no choice but to have a home study, but none-the-less, it seems suspicious to me.) Just a side note.

Without a doubt though, you are being pressured to place with them and that is not okay. PLEASE, heed your instincts. You can go to any agency you want, as many agencies as you want, or look online at Parent Profiles. You are not "bound" to use an agency just because you talk with them, despite what you may be told.

I hope others will have more advice for you...

[quantum]

I always say, go with what your heart says!
If you're feeling it's wrong, back down, breathe, think so more. Do what feels right for YOU.

And don't feel bad about it, the child is yours until final termination of rights...

[Rifilanna]

You have a right to your own baby, and right now thats what baby is..yours; and it is bizzare to have named baby already...also why don't they want to do another home study? Something seems to be up. This is your precious baby if they arn't the right family, say so, and move on. You can go back to the agency you like, they may also have advice on this set of circumstances, and should be able to help with other choices.

[Juliana13]

Sure, doing another homestudy is inconvenient, but so what? This is YOUR baby, YOUR pregnancy and YOUR decision. Them calling and offering advice is totally inappropriate. How would they like you to call with advice while they were parenting their newly adopted daughter? I doubt very many people would be okay with that.

This is your baby until you sign the papers. Until then, you need to be respected as this baby's mother. You decide what you are comfortable with as far as contact, communication, and agency to use. If they have trouble with respect and boundaries now, it might only get worse.

Of course you want them to be excited about adopting a baby. You'd be concerned about them if they weren't excited, getting ready, planning, and even had a name picked out. But to be as pushy as these people sound - I would be cautious.

I think you NEED to go with an agency, - or at least have your own case worker and/or counselor - if for nothing else than for your protection. To have a mediator, a third party who can help you look at what is going on and sort out what is inappropriate.

Even if you are 100% sure adoption is the right choice for you, you are this baby's birthmother. It is your responsibility, and your right, to give your child the best life you can, and do what is right for your baby. If that is not you, then you have the right (and again responsibility) to choose their family with care and thought. Of course you don't want to hurt anyone by changing your mind, but the feelings of the hopeful adoptive parents are NOT your priority. Your baby is. Do what is right for her, and you will have no regrets. Sadness, of course, but you will know you did your best, and what you felt was right.

If you feel this is not the right family for your child - then say so, and choose the right family. (If it's too hard, let the agency tell them for you, that's part of their job.) If you feel that this IS a good fit, and a good place for your child, then have a conversation (again, with the agency's help, if you want) about boundaries and what you are and are not comfortable with.

Sending hugs your way!

[SchmennaLeigh]

You are not wrong to feel uncomfortable. The things you have said sound like a bunch of red flags to me. I would tell them that they can either work with your agency or you will find another family. If they give you gruff about it, send a cease and desist letter (you can find wording on the internet or find a pro bono lawyer to work with you) to their attorney.

[kelceesmom]

I would be feeling very uncomfortable. You have to set your bounderies and if they can't abide by them you should step away and reconsider. Have you outright just talked about what is going on to see if they just aren't aware of what they are doing? Do what is best for you though. Good luck.

[RavenSong]

I agree with the other people who have posted their thoughts. There are huge red flags here. If these people are unwilling to work with your agency, please pick another family to adopt your daughter. You are her mother, and it is your absolute right to place her into a home that you feel is the very best one for her.

The fact that they are unwilling to go thru another homestudy says it all, IMHO.....

[jigger]

I'm an adoptive parent and this makes ME uncomfortable. Go to the agency you've chosen and initiate the process with them. They can help you determine if this is the right family for your baby the right way and can provide you with support in dealing with them if you choose to continue. Stick in there and stand up for yourself. This is not a process that should feel uncomfortable for you. Good Luck . . .

[taramayrn]

If I were you, I'd be running fast in the other direction. I like Jenna's suggestion of the letter if they do not leave you alone after you tell them they will not be adopting the child.

[aclee]

I see a lot of red flags. I think YOUR adoption plan should be about you and your baby, not about them, what they want to call the baby or about what is, or is not something they want to do. This is YOUR adoption plan, not theirs...if the two can't meet, then it's not a good match.

I just can't get over that they refer to your stomach by their baby name. They don't have a Baby...you do. If they want to be part of your adoption plan, they should have followed it.

There are good reasons why many states don't allow private adoption without a home study. That is asking such a minimal thing in my opinion.

You should continue to follow what ever YOUR adoption plan is. If they aren't doing that, then they are out.

[bromanchik]

All good advice... Run, Run as fast as you can! Maybe the two new mothers who were working with them before had the same creepy feelings you are getting from them. If they don't respect you or your feelings now just think about how bad it would be after the adoption!

[zxczxcasdasd]

If they have worked with an agency in the past, I can't believe that they have named your baby in your womb and are already claiming her. That is such a HUGELY inappropriate thing to do, I can't imagine that this would in any way be a healthy situation after an adoption. It's already not.

Listen to Brenda.

[Momtonick]

Just checking up on you and your situation.
I would do some serious soul searching and see if you really feel deep down that they are the ones you feel comfortable with for a lifetime.
You mentioned in your post something to the affect of "that was my first mistake", that was a telling phrase.
I would certainly sit them down and have a talk with them about your comfort level.

[ourdreamcametru]

I know from experience that using an attorney for the adoption does not erase the fact that they have to have a homestudy! Yes, the cost over all for the adoption is less but they will have to have a homestudy. This is your child and you have to make the decisions yourself as to who will parent once the baby is born. Don't feel bad about finding a family you are comfortable with.