[Cat18]

Hi!

Im Catherine and I am 18 years old, I have recently just found out I am pregnant and I am about 2 months now. I am currently a 1st year student at University and I live in New Zealand.

I cannot graduate and go back home with a child, I have already made up my mind that I do not want my unborn child.

It's sounds a little harsh, which is why I have come here so that I can get some proper advice. I don't want my family to find out that I am pregnant!

I spoke to my boyfriend and he said that he's not ready to have children and neither am I.

What should I do?

[MommaKatja]

Ok my advice to you is twofold.

First you said you have made up your mind and you also said you found out about your pregnancy recently. I suggest you use your time to examine that decision so that after the fact you can say you were 100% certain. I'm not saying you arn't set in your decision I'm not saying you'll change your mind I'm just saying give it thought so looking back you dont question it with that hindsight 20/20 vision.

Secondly I suggest you to research laws and processes that apply to pregnancy options in New Zealand. I dont know about NZ laws but some options I can think of include: abortion, safe haven surrender, and adoption. Again I feel the need to repeat that I dont know the legality of any of these options in New Zealand.

ok I lied my advice comes in more than 2 parts. Lastly I would ask you to think about letting your family in. Perhaps they will be disappointed but regardless of your end decision they can be a support system to you.

[SchmennaLeigh]

First of all, my advice is to tell your family. No one deserves to go through an entire pregnancy, even one that leads to adoption, completely unsupported. Even if you feel that they will react in less than supportive manners, the secretive nature of the pregnancy will only hinder your experience. Getting things out in the open can help you realize your options.

Secondly, research. I don't know the laws in NZ but you need to know what they are so that you are protected. Seek counsel.

[Mommy24]

The best advice I have is to tell someone in your family. I know it is hard, I have been there. Almost 17 years ago I placed my son for adoption without anyone except his father knowing. Hindsight, I wish I had been encouraged to tell my family. Would I have still placed? I am not sure, but I know now how much I needed their support back then. Sometimes fear lets us lose sight of what is best, please research ALL of your options. Best of luck to you!

[InBlindFaith]

Like the others have said...research all of your options and let your family know. During these times you will need emotional support of others and your family should be there for you emotionally.

[mdn]

I got pregnant when I was 16. My dad died when I was 13 and did not want to upset my mom. I felt scared and alone. I did end up telling her and yes she was disappointed and sad. She also was understanding and supportive. She was against abortion but still included it with the other options she discussed with me such as adoption, keeping the baby, letting her adopt etc. To make a long story short sometimes you will be shocked at the reactions of people. I thought my mom would kick me out and never speak to me again. Boy was I wrong. Having a good support system will be very important no matter what you decide to do. You will eat yourself up keeping it to yourself and their disappointment will be much greater if they find out from someone else.

My daughter is now sixteen years old and a gift from above. She loves her nana dearly. I'm glad I decided to tell her.

[taramayrn]

I would also encourage you to tell someone in your family. Keeping the fact that you had a baby and placed it for adoption secret is an awful heavy and lonely one to keep.

Also, please know, that at adoption.com we are not a matching site. So it is against our rules for someone here to contact you asking to adopt your baby. If you recieve such emails or pm's please forward them to myself or one of the other mods.

Best of luck!

[josh1788smom]

I agree that you should tell someone in your family. However - to take that a little further - I would also tell you to expect them to initially be shocked, hurt, upset, or whatever you are thinking may be the reactions they will have because you do know them. However, I think after the dust settles a little you will see they love and support you and will not wish to have you go through whatever you decide alone. They also may be able to offer some insights you never knew. It's not a topic that comes up much until you are in it, so you may learn something new and helpful.

Best of luck to you.

[StacyKelly2]

I read your post and my heart goes out to you. It is sad that you feel you cannot let your family know of your pregnancy. Being young, and going through this alone, is going to be extremely hard. I would try maybe and talk to someone, if possible. Only you know what is right for you. Coming on this board you will find many options and help, which is a good thing for you. Maybe telling your family might not be as bad as you think, and hopefully they would understand. Not all things in life are planned, but you are taking on the responsibility and doing what you feel is right, and that is what should matter the most! I hope you find the peace you need in whatever choice you make. If you need someone to listen you can pm me- Please keep us posted.

[happygmom]

Dear Cat,

My daughter was at University when she became pregnant. The father of her child wanted nothing to do with her and her child. She spent months in agony trying to tell me and her dad about her pregnancy. When she finally did, we were shocked to the depths of our souls but we were also relieved to know the nature of the problem that our daughter was obviously struggling with.

My daughter decided to parent with our full love and support. As a mother, I would have been heart-broken to find out years down the road that my daughter did not come to me and ask for advice and support. As a grandmother, I would have been devastated to have lost a grandchild without being given the opportunity to keep him in our family.

I understand why you feel that you are not ready to be a mother. I also feel that you should consider giving your familiy the opportunity to be involved in a plan to provide for your child. Regardless of your decision for providing for your child, I am concerned that you may burden yourself with a terrible secret that will affect your well being.

I am sure that your counseling department at university can help you so that you do not feel so alone. Are you able to contact someone there?

With deep and caring wishes for your heath and happiness,

Happy G'Ma

[thanksgivingmom]

Cat,

I was 23 when I found out I was pregnant. I was in my Masters program and knew I wasn't in a place to raise a child. I decided very early on that I would place her for adoption. I also never told my family. I hid my pregnancy the entire time. I didn't come here during the pregnancy to get all the wonderful advice you are getting from the women that have gone through this before us.

I placed my daughter last November, and I still haven't found the strength and courage to tell my family. If there is any way that you can, I wish that you do.

The only people in my life that even know I am a mother are here. The people here are great, but they're not my everyday, in person, give me a hug when I need it support.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk about this.

[happygmom]

(((Cat and thanksgivingmom))) Big hugs for you both. You are very special moms.

Happy G'Ma

[JONEL813]

Hello Cat

Just was wondering if you decided to tell your family yet. I went through the same thing, but broke down the last few months of my pregnancy and told them. I couldn't hide it anymore.

If you need someone to talk to, I always hear, PM me.

Many hugs to you.

[keds]

Cat, sorry, I just came across your post. I agree with others that you need to tell someone but you have to decide who that person is in your life. I would never recommend going through a pregnancy alone, been there, done that but at the same time you need to be supported. It is a very hard decision to make and you must know all of your options and recognize in yourself what you can live with as it is a decision that has to be made without any pressure from anyone else. As others have said, seek counsel, be informed and stay in touch.

[foundmyson]

Hi Catherine,
As someone who has been in your shoes, my advice would be to consider adoption. I placed my son for adoption 19 years ago and he found me 3 weeks ago. Though it is a hard choice to make, Ive met with women who have chosen another path and they expressed lifelong regret. Just know your not alone.