[Emberbit]

I realize that I’ve practically written a book here but I just have been thinking about this non-stop for 2 weeks and

I’m 24 and in a relationship. Raising 1 6-year-old daughter who we plan to home-school for her 1st grade year. I’m involved mom; I like to think that I’m a good one though I’m not sure how that is decided. It has been hard. I’ve just now finished my associate’s degree and I’d like to eventually get my MBA. I work full time but my boyfriend is recently unemployed. I’m terrified that we’re not going to be able to keep our apartment if he doesn’t get a job soon. We were barely making it on two salaries.

Two weeks ago, I skipped a period and I got a positive pregnancy test. I don’t know how that’s possible as I’ve been using 30-day depo and having only light but regular periods for almost 5 years but my OB assures me that a digital test doesn’t lie and the blood test also was positive. I’m only a little over 6 weeks along. We cannot raise another child at this time. I don’t have the courage to go through what we did last time with state assistance and WIC and section-8 housing in a scary neighborhood.

We’ve worked so hard to get away from those things. My job is good and I have insurance. Our apartment is in a nice complex. But we have no family support and cannot raise another baby at this time. The thought of trying to go through all of that again fills me with terror. I can’t deal and we can’t stay away from the assistance if we add to our family. A baby would take away all we’ve worked for, put us back at square one. It would take away from our daughter.

I wanted an abortion but my boyfriend believes that embryo=baby and prefers that I do not get one. His other solution is to place for adoption as he does agree that we cannot raise another baby now. He says that his sister placed as a teen and was allowed to choose the couple and is still in contact via letters and pictures but she had a bad experience with her agency and so I would like to go independent.

But I want more than that. I have been researching open adoption and it seems like it’s possible to find a couple who will remain in contact and even allow the occasional visit.

Is it possible to find an independent arrangement where the parents will want an open adoption?

Is it possible to find an independent arrangement where the parents will take care of medical bills? My insurance isn’t bad and I can handle the during pregnancy copays but the delivery copay will be $500 and I don’t know how we would pay it. I just don’t have that kind of extra money.

I’d like to feel that I know the people who will be raising my son/daughter. How soon in pregnancy can I find a match? Would 12-16 weeks be too early? Would the parents be interested/able to be involved in the pregnancy? Maybe attend appointments or the birth?

Would it be possible for me to name the baby and have the parents keep that name?

[SchmennaLeigh]

There is 100% no shame in accepting assistance. First and foremost, you boyfriend needs to get some job/any job. This is not the time to sit around and wait for one to fall into his lap. With him working, you can avoid having to file for section 8 and simply use other assistance programs like WIC (which is not "scary" and can actually benefit your current daughter, too!).

Beyond that, I encourage you NOT to accept ANY money from ANY adoptive family. If you are falling into the levels of accepting state assistance, the hospital that you deliver at can either work out a payment plan (paying ANYTHING per month keeps it from going to collections), give you a reduced price because of your income level or completely write off your delivery depending where they are in write-offs for that year. Accepting money from a potential adoptive family can sometimes create a sense of obligation to place your child and, in the end, the decision to place needs to be made again after the child is born to be sure that is what you really want for this situation. If you have that sense of monetary obligation, it will be harder to separate what you think is right from what you feel in your heart is right for the child and your family.

I encourage you to really look at why you're not wanting to parent this child and recognize that money and stuff do not equate to a good childhood. You have succeeded thus far. While this may be a momentary setback in future plans, aren't children worth a step back to make that huge step forward.


All that said, some families may be willing to match that early though many have been advised against it. I would continue to research both parenting and placement for a month or two, get your wits about you and then begin pursuing the path you feel most comfortable with at the time. Have you researched the laws in your state yet? Over half of the states do not offer a legally binding open adoption meaning that the adoptive family could close the adoption at any point in time without reason or warning. Furthermore, which I forgot to mention above, you need to look at your state laws to see whether or not your state allows potential adoptive couples to pay for anything, medical bills included, and whether or not independent matching is allowed.

All in all: you're VERY early on. An unplanned pregnancy can rattle the cage of even the most level-headed woman. I encourage you to use your intelligence, of which you sound like you have much, and research the pants off of all of your options. Remember throughout your journey that until your name is signed on that Termination of Parental Rights form, you CAN make the decision to parents. Don't let anyone tell you that you are obligated to do ANYTHING.

Hang in there. You'll make it through this.

Edited to Add: I just saw that you're from PA. Open adoptions are NOT LEGALLY BINDING in the state of PA. Just news you need to know.

[anneo]

If finances are the reason why you don't want to parent this child, keep in mind that you won't be in this situation forever. Also, kids are smart. Your 6 year old will have plenty of questions as to what is going on, so if you do decide to adopt, you're going to need to talk to your child about what is happening.

[InBlindFaith]

If you are planning on adoption please, please do your research!! I would highly recommend talking to the boyfriend's sister...not just about the pregnancy, but talk about the roller coaster of emotions that happens after relinquishment...even years after!!

You are the one who can make this decision, do not make it based on what others tell you to do. Relinquishing a child is not easy and the emotions involved do not magically disappear afterwards. So research all of your options so you will know you made the best choice possible.

[luvmylittlegirls]

Originally Posted by anneo

If finances are the reason why you don't want to parent this child, keep in mind that you won't be in this situation forever.

And there are no guarantees that the adoptive parents will always be financially stable. Within 6 weeks of adopting our daughter, dh lost his job due to int'l outsourcing, we've used WIC for much of this time and now several years later, we're still getting back on our feet. fwiw.

Best wishes.

[StacyKelly2]

I read your post and my heart goes out to you. I know this cannot be easy on you. Please just take your time do your research and follow your heart. As an adoptive mom to a beautiful happy 2 year old little boy- we were so blessed by adoption. Ours was a private adoption. The birth mom and I communicate all the time- I send pictures with updates. All of this was promised from the very beginning. We discussed our wishes and our feelings, and all involved truly respected each other. You have to be extremely careful, because honestly I have seen on this forums where birth moms were promised things and the adoptive parents did not keep their promises. I could, or would never push our son's birth mom away or just disregard her feelings. Bottom line she blessed us and allowed us the chance to hear those precious words..mommy and daddy!!! Not a day goes by, that we are not thankful for our son's birth mom!! She will always hold a special place in our hearts...We witnessed first hand the love and courage it took for her to make the choice of adoption, and we will never forget that!! Ours was a contested adoption-the birth father wavered in his decision-which was so heartbreaking and emotional- That is why it is extremely important you know that adoption is what you really want- We have had our angel since birth and the adoption was finalized when he was a little over 2!! We tried to work out an open adoption with the birth father he agreed-then changed his mind again- Since the birth father only seen the baby once in 2 years the judge granted the adoption-We were at court along with the birth mom- and in the end we all hugged and cried-our prayers were so answered!!! I sent you a pm- We strongly feel God allowed our paths to cross with our son's birth mom for a reason. Through friends of friends she heard of us, longing to adopt children for years and thank God she chose to meet with us, and she said the minute she met us she knew we were her angel's adoptive parents. We are so blessed and just love our angel to pieces!!! He is our little miracle...and we thank God everyday for him. I wish in whatever you decide you find peace...Keep us posted...God Bless

[chempossible08]

An open adoption is an option. If you go that route, you need to make sure that you get to know the adoptive parents prior to birth. It is sometimes hard to enforce those types of agreements. A court is not going to remove a child from the adoptive placement simply because the adoptive parents are not holding to their agreement. They can also relocate, and it may be difficult to find them. With what you are wanting, I would advise you to look for adoptive parents who have already adopted and have an ongoing relationship with a birthmother. Makes it more likely that they will abide by your agreement. Not a guarantee, though. I would also look for a professional couple who has been married for more than 10 years. Again, not a guarantee, but makes it more likely that they will stay together and they can afford raising the child.

Anyway, as far as the name, the adoptive parents can change the name. You won't be able to enforce keeping a name. If you have a good repore though, you might be able to decide on a name together.

Also, some states allow certain birthmother expenses. There are usually caps on those, but the copay you are asking for is more than reasonable.

If you go with an agency, facilitator, or attorney, you need to really check them out. Look on the internet and see what others have to say about them. Some of them are really good and some of them have a nice facade, but when you dig deeper, you find complaints, sometimes legal complaints. Just because someone is licensed, don't trust that as an indicator that they are trustworthy. You need to investigate things. You have time to decide if this option is right for you and if so, how you want to proceed. Also, make sure they advocate counseling. This is a necessity for you to make sure this is really what you want.

And as to your match question, several agencies I know, some of the more reputable ones, won't match this early. Too high of a risk of changing your mind.

If you have anymore questions, feel free to e-mail me at chempossible68@yahoo.com. I wish you the best of luck.

[Emberbit]

I just wanted to stress that at the moment I’m researching. I expect to make a decision about whether to plan an adoption after my first OB visit. So far, I’ve only had my nurse intake and initial blood work. My first OB visit will be at the end of August, around 10 weeks and a few days. I expect to hear a heartbeat then and I don’t know if that will change my current feelings; I doubt it but it is possible.

Will I place because of purely financial reasons? No. Finances play a part but there are other issues involved. I don’t feel that I could parent a second child at this time. I look for ways to make it work and short of going back on assistance, I can’t see any.

Please don’t tell me that assistance is worth it. It is not. It wasn’t the first time. I love my daughter but I hated those baby years and I resented her because we were struggling. No child deserves that. We’ve worked hard to get to our current situation where we can enjoy our daughter without feeling that she is an undue burden.

My boyfriend will get another job or we will figure out another way to work things out. We always do. I don’t want help from possible adoptive parents in this matter. I mentioned it only to show that our current situation isn’t at its high point of the year. The only help I’d like from the possible a-parents financially is the paying of my hospital copay to the hospital.

I’ve researched open adoption agreements and it seems even in states where they are technically enforceable, there is little case law to back them up and even less that favors the b-parents. That is fine.

I want parents who will want to keep in contact, not because I want to but because they feel it’s best. I want parents who will allow me to name the baby, or at the very least choose a middle name, because they want me to do it. I don’t’ want to co-parent. I understand that adoption is not like that. What I want is simply to be there and available.

I want to be able to match early if possible, 12 weeks would be the earliest but I think right around 16 weeks would be ideal. I want to know these people. I know they’ve all done the home study thing and what have you but I don’t feel that it is a substitute for knowing them myself, you know?

Maybe I’m asking too much and it’s not possible.

[StacyKelly2]

It is most definitely possible. We met with our son's birth mom when she was 8 weeks pregnant. She choose adoption, and clearly stood by her choice. She asked us to be involved in the pregnancy-to attend the doctor's appointments (which we attended everyone of the appointments!!!) We got to know each other very well, during her whole pregnancy which meant the world to us!! She told us the most important thing for her was that the baby attach and bond with us so she wanted us there as much as possible, which was wonderful for us!!! Words cannot express how much being there throughout her pregnancy meant to us! We totally respected one another, and always were up front and honest with our feelings. From hearing his little heart beat which we taped and played over and over to reassure us this was going to happen-To seeing the sonogram hearing from the birth mom "it's a boy!!" tears falling down our faces...clutching the sonogram pictures walking out of the hospital- we felt like we were walking on clouds. To the actual delivery which we thought would never get here...Holding our son for the first time we thought our hearts would burst from sheer excitement!!! I called the birth mom all the time just making sure she was okay, because I know this could not be easy for her. She told us she could not have picked more perfect and loving parents for her son-which meant the world to us!! We will be so proud to let baby Jude know the love and courage his birth parents have for him. For us the most important thing is Jude grow up knowing he is just loved by everyone- adoptive parents and birth parents!!!

[SchmennaLeigh]

As I said, there are ways for YOU to handle the copay at the hospital. If you know that now, more than thirty weeks ahead of any possible delivery, why would you need to ask anyone else to pay it? Contact the hospital NOW.

[srusse24]

You are certainly not asking too much from an adoption plan. It sounds like you know exactly what you want, so if you do choose adoption for your child, stay true to those desires and do not bend for any family.

[BABYGIRL08021977]

I may be out of line and I certainly don't intend to be. I am an adult adoptee. I was adopted thirty years ago. Things were different then. Records were closed. There was alot of shame and secrecy involved at the time. With that said, my adoptive parents didn't have alot of money. It wasn't an issue. We all loved each other just the same. I turned out just fine. I own a successful business. It's possible to live a successful life without the opportunities that a wealthier class may have. I also have three children of my own. All three unplanned, but loved just the same. I raised the first two all on my own, no support, just a small pay job and a whole lot of love. The initial shock of being pregnant takes a little getting used to when you haven't planned it. Perhaps, you should give yourself a little more time to decide what you need to do? I have to be honest and say that when I realized that I was pregnant with both of my first two boys, my first instinct was that I could not do this. I WAS WRONG. I did and so can you. I worry about your six year old. She is old enough to understand and have many questions. She should be priority one in deciding. Can she handle knowing that she has a sibling that was giving up for adoption? That's alot of weight to bare on such small shoulders. Should you choose to opt out of raising another child and go for adoption, I strongly reccommend making certain information available to that child, so that one day, when he or she feels neccessary, they can have their questions answered. Living 30 years filled with unknowns has not been pleasant and has affected my entire life. It's just a thought. I apologize if I am out of line speaking here as an adoptee, but I believe that my thoughts and feelings will be shared with the unborn child that you are carrying, should you choose to place the child up for adoption.

[fairydust159]

Hi, I am a 21yo birthmom (baby boy placed 3 months ago) and I would like to toss my 2 cents in. First, take a deep breath. Second, to ALL your questions, YES!

Open adoption? Absolutely! My placement is semi-open at my request, and the aparents would even have done open if i had wanted it. I went through an agency, but there are plenty of couples out there who want an open adoption.. you just gotta find them.

AParents take care of bills? Yes! You just have to state upfront what you want the aparents do to for bills and if they agree, get it in writing. If they disagree, you keep looking. Its that simple. DO NOT comprimise what you want!! Find someone willing to work under YOUR terms, or you will likely regret it.

I would recommend you start looking right away for the perfect couple. The longer you have to get to know them, the more likely you will be able to tell if they'll keep the adoption open, and stick with what you want. Also, most aparents really DO want to be involved in the pregnancy if possible (doctor visits, etc). Again, its all about what YOU want.

Have the aparents keep the name you choose? Yes! For this though, its all about trust. I dont know if you can legally make them keep the name, so you have to trust that they will. I wanted a similar thing, and so the aparents and i picked a name together (i wanted them to feel a part of his name represented them, and a part represented me... i also felt if we picked it together they were less likely to change it later).

I cannot stress enough, its all about what YOU want. I knew that if I did not have things the way I wanted them, i would regret my decision. So, now 3 months out from the placement, I dont regret a thing! The birthmom's hold all the keys here...we pick who we want to raise our baby... so keep looking until you find aparents who want everything you do. Dont give up, they're out there.