[ModernDayBradyBunch]

I posted this on the adoptive parents forum to get some input, but I thought I would also ask other bmoms.


I placed my son two months ago and I absolutely love his a-parents. We have a semi-open adoption (I wanted to stay in contact with them and see pictures of my son, but no visits with him - we exchange emails, etc)
My son is their only child. While I was still pregnant, I had many long talks with both of his parents, but more so with his a-mom. During one of these conversations, we were talking about the possibility of them wanting to adopt more children. It was light-hearted and my son's a-mom told me that they possibly wanted one more, but at that point, she would be just thrilled to have one child and couldn't hope for more than that. I told her that if I got pregnant again (something I didn't plan on happening or wanting to happen, really) that I would contact them first and she said, "Omg, please do!" But the entire conversation was light-hearted and neither of us really thought it was a serious one.

Well, now here I am almost three months later. I'm not positive, but I have a suspicion that I may be pregnant AGAIN. (For a few days now, I've been wondering if that's even possible?!?! And if it is, I have lost complete faith in birth control pills, as I've gotten pregnant while taking them three times now - and yes, I take them religiously lol) I'm not positive, but it's getting a bit harder to ignore the possibility.

If I find that I am positively pregnant, I want to ask my sons aparents if they would be willing to adopt again. But there are a few things that I'm concerned about and wanted some advice/input from other bmoms. What's the best way to bring it up? Also, I really want to use the same agency we went through before. And the biggest thing - I don't know if they would be ready to adopt again so soon. My bson is only almost three months old. Has anyone else been through this? What's the appropriate way to go about this?

I keep tossing two ideas back and forth. One is to send my son's a-mom an email but I don't know what to say (I can't just say, "Hi, I'm pregnant, would you like to adopt again?" lol) and I'm not sure if sending that in an email is appropriate. I'm more of a phone person, but we didn't agree to phone calls, just emails, so I think it would scare them if I asked them to call me about something I wanted to talk about. The other idea is contact the agency we used and see if they could contact them? I don't know if that's the right thing to do, though. (And I definitely won't do either until I know for sure, obviously) I really think I am, but don't know for sure. If I am, and my son's aparents aren't ready to adopt again, I will still choose adoption and work with the same agency.

I'm sorry I'm rambling...I have just had all of this going through my head for the last few days and needed to get some advice.

[quantum]

Wow! you must be freaking out.
*HUG*

I'm afraid I don't have much advice since I haven't been in this situation. I mostly wanted to give my support!

Anything you'd say to her though (once you know for sure) I think I would make sure she has an out without feeling bad? You know what I mean? Because it definately seems to me that you don't want to put pressure on her...


Take care and keep us updated please!!

[josh1788smom]

I just wanted to send some support your way.

The nice thing is - you have some time to digest this. Once you find out for sure. You will have some time and a few conversations (e-mails) with the aparents. Hopefully, you will have an opportunity to bring up your wishes with them. Best of luck to you.

[StacyKelly2]

As an adoptive mom, I cannot imagine how happy you would make them again!!! We have an adopted little boy who we have had since birth he is now 2 years old, he is our world!! His birth mom became pregnant again, and had always told us if she would get pregnant again would we be willing to adopt. Of course, our answer was "YES"!! When our little boy was a little over a year we got the phone call from his birth mom. We were so happy!!! Being blessed once was just a miracle but twice is just unbelievable!! Unfortantely a few weeks passed and the birth mom miscarried. We were heartbroken, as she was too. Only God knows what is meant to be...We still communicate with our son's birth mom, and feel strongly that she has blessed us, and answered our many, many years of prayers!! You will give them such a blessing...Please keep us posted..God Bless

[srusse24]

As an adoptive parent, my first advice would be to find out if you are indeed pregnant. Then think about your options. Is parenting this (potential) child out of the question? If you are pregnant, give yourself some time to digest that before contacting these people. There may something that comes up and allows you to parent this child.

My advice, take your time and do not rush into finding a way to contact this family.

[taramayrn]

Congratulations! First be sure you are pregnant and if you are take some time to really research your options. If you still decide that adoption is your best choice contact the agency you worked with, if you are happy with them. I think the agency facilitating a conversation with you and the adoptive parents would be a good idea. I'm sure they will be thrilled to add another child to their family, however, I think their hearts will be breaking as well for you. Good luck.

[ModernDayBradyBunch]

Thanks to everyone that replied or sent me a pm! I have been thinking about this so much lately. I talked to our agency and was told (in a "beat around the bush" kind of way) that my son's aparents would rather have children further apart in age and are still adjusting as first time parents to T.

So....now back to square one.

[Boulderbabe]

Well, just to back up a little----are you sure you're pregnant? And are you sure you either can't or don't want to parent this baby? I know how many people here would love to help you access the resources you need, if you do want to parent.

I hope you're hanging in there. This must be really, really stressful.

[ModernDayBradyBunch]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

Well, just to back up a little----are you sure you're pregnant? And are you sure you either can't or don't want to parent this baby? I know how many people here would love to help you access the resources you need, if you do want to parent.

I hope you're hanging in there. This must be really, really stressful.

Boulderbabe - First, yes, I am. Second, yes, I am sure. This has nothing to do with my ability to parent. I could very well parent another child financially. The fact is, my husband and I discussed this a few years ago. We believe that our family is perfect and we don't view adoption as a "last resort". We see it as a wonderful option. We have placed two sons for adoption. In my case, this is not a crisis situation. I understand that many bmoms place because of temporary problems (finances, poor support systems, etc) but that is not true in our case. We believe that we're doing what is best for us and our family.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by ModernDayBradyBunch

The fact is, my husband and I discussed this a few years ago. We believe that our family is perfect and we don't view adoption as a "last resort". We see it as a wonderful option. We have placed two sons for adoption.

We believe that we're doing what is best for us and our family.

I just have to ask, that if you believe your family is already perfect, why keep having children that cannot remain in the family? While you may be able to deal well with the losses associated with adoption, the children involved... both the ones you are parenting and the one's you place, are experiencing losses that may well affect them. How have you explained the placements to the children you are parenting? How will you explain it to the children you are placing?

[ModernDayBradyBunch]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

I just have to ask, that if you believe your family is already perfect, why keep having children that cannot remain in the family? While you may be able to deal well with the losses associated with adoption, the children involved... both the ones you are parenting and the one's you place, are experiencing losses that may well affect them. How have you explained the placements to the children you are parenting? How will you explain it to the children you are placing?

Believe me, I don't get pregnant on purpose or because I just think it's fun.

Sometimes, birth control just doesn't work. I guess another alternative would be abortion, but that's just not an option for me. For us, adoption is just the clear choice. I'm not out to win any popularity awards from the pro-parenting crowd.

As for my children, I believe honesty is the best policy. I have explained adoption to them. I would never do anything that would harm my children emotionally, psychologically, or otherwise. As for my bson, we have a semi-open adoption. He will know he is adopted. He will have emails, letters, pictures. If, at a much later point in his life, he would like to contact me, he may do so.

[Juliana13]

I cannot pretend to understand your reasons for placing... but that is not the advice or comments you posted for. If you are dead-set on adoption, -- well, I'm not posting about that. I'm posting about your original quandry. As far as whether to approach the parents of your other bson: Based on all I have read in your posts, I definitely would.

So they said they would rather have more time between children, - that may not be how they'd feel if they knew there was another baby out there. (And they DID previously enthusiastically tell you to let them know... They might feel that you didn't like them if you passed them by. But that is not your first priority, either. What is best for this baby is your first priority.)

My mom and dad wanted two. no more. I came, unplanned and unexpectedly 10 months after my sister. (Proof that the old myth about breastfeeding being effective birth control was rubbish.) She was sure about no more. Then, when she found out I was already on the way, she instantly became excited. (but seriously, 10 months? how could she NOT have broken down and cried?) But she said that instantly her feelings and desires about what she wanted changed.

The only thing I know for sure about parenting, and this crazy world of adoption is that many things are not what you'd expect them to be. I have felt many things, and changed my mind on many things I was so sure of before. They say they want more time, but that's based on limited information. They don't know about the current situation. They might change their mind in a heartbeat.

And part of their thinking may be financial. I would have loved another baby right after the first, but there was no way we could afford the fee again for a couple of years. If you are set on this course, I would mention it to them. Ask if they are open to the idea. The worst they could say is no. They have to do what is right for their family, you have to do what is right for yours. And then at least you'd know, and not have to wonder if you should have asked. Let THEM make the decision as to whether they are ready, or want to get ready for this baby. Don't let the caseworker make it for them. If you like them, and would want to place with them, then give them the chance. And if they say yes, but the finances are a strain, you could do a private adoption, through a lawyer. MUCH less expensive. If they are open to it, or at least to think about it, then you can work through your options together. If not, then you would know and can move forward with your other options.

And I think an email is fine. My friend got just such an email, and it gave her and her husband time to absorb and think about it before they wrote back. Email is fine. A phone call would be hard, and their initial reaction might not be their real answer, once they've had a few minutes. I would not have the agency inform/ask them, because then they might be stuck going with the agency, instead of having the option of private adoption.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family - Good luck making the right choices for you and yours.

[Mommy24]

Would the family member of your other adopted son be willing to parent if this bson's adoptive parents chose not to?

[ModernDayBradyBunch]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

Would the family member of your other adopted son be willing to parent if this bson's adoptive parents chose not to?

I haven't asked them, and I won't. I didn't ask them about my 2nd bson, either. It's a very sensitive topic, but things did not go well.

Julianna - Thank you for your reply. It was very sweet and I really appreciated your advice.

[taramayrn]

Bradymom,
Did you have the agency ask your son's aparents or did you ask them?

I wonder if the reaction might be a different one if you were to ask the aparents personally.