[haleymaker1]

I'm a 22yr old full-time mom to Haley and part-time student in college. I have a loving fiance, who works full-time and going to school full-time. So spending time with our little family is precious to the both of us. Life is pretty hectic since we have recently found out I'm pregnant again. My fiance is not ready for another child at this time and feels it will affect how we are able to provide for our daughter Haley. It wasn't planned and my family has experienced a lot of stress from our recent discovery. I know this is not just about me and he hasn't said anything hurtfull to me, but I'm very scared about what this could do to our relationship. I'm here to learn more about open-adoptions and how other women have dealt with things after making their decision to give their baby up through adoption. Looking for Hope and words of Wisdom.


Bio Mother to PrincesS HaLey Rene` 8/23/06

[taramayrn]

Hi and Welcome,
Open adoption is hard, alot of work but can be so rewarding. The pain is real and just because you have visits with your child doesn't mean the pain goes away. I wouldn't do it any other way though.

My son is 7 and we have a fully open adoption. We met before birth with his adoptive parents and have visits, etc.

After the placement life was hard for a year. Then things started to get better, then things were bad again for a while, then got better. I really think that's how the grief gets you, it goes away and comes back again.

I had a great support system which helped. I had lots of counselling which is key before and after placement. I journalled, cried alot.

((((HUGS))))

[krielly]

Haleymaker,
I'm sorry, and I don't mean to offend you......but I just need to ask the question.......

you obviously love your little Haley so deeply. that's so clear in you letter. She's your "princess".....I guess that being said, it seems to me your heart has so much love for her, it should be big enough for both children.........I say that, because you seem concerned that a new baby will take away from Haley.......sounds like you have enough love to go around to me

I'm a bit concerened I guess, that you would make a decision like this based upon your fiancee, and how he's "not ready"......... This is your life, hon,,,, and you are the one you will ultimately live with whatever decision you make, one way or another.............

Not that adoption is right or wrong in this case......but I just pray that you get all the information you can........talk to as many folks on this site as you can............and weigh everthing very very carefully...............

take care hon, and best wishes to you over the coming months as you work through all of this. Please remember to take care of YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Karen

[littlebitty]

I just want you to know that you are not alone.

I placed my second child. I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and I placed her little brother in November. (Difference is that their father is no longer in the picture.) My adoption experience has, personally, been nothing but positive. I chose W's (my son) parents early in my pregnancy, and we've had the chance to become very good friends. My daughter and I have a chance that we wouldn't have had if I'd have kept W. I can't say that it hasn't been hard (VERY hard) at times. I have grieved. I have mourned. But I know that I made the best decision I could have made, and that me and my daughter and W and his parents have all been very blessed for it.

There have been times that I have felt much guilt for "giving away" my daughter's little brother. Especially when I see how much she loves to play with her baby nephew. She just loves babies.

But feeling guilt has no purpose, and I've pushed it aside by reminding myself why I made the decision I made. I know I made the best decision I could have for everyone involved, and I do not regret it, not one bit.

There are still days of sadness, but there are MORE days of joy. And my adoption story is still very fresh. He was just born in November, so I've got a long road ahead...

If you do decide to look in to adoption, make sure it is YOUR OWN decision, and that you have at least a small group of strong supporters (family, friends). You have to be a very strong woman to get through what could be a very painful experience... I learned so much about myself over the last year...

Anyway, if you ever want to talk or anything, feel free to PM me.

Peace be with you in your journey and decisions,
Jeska

[Mommy24]

This is my 2 cents worth, if it helps great, if not just simply disregard

I placed in 1990, my first child a boy. One of the reasons I placed was because my boyfriend wasnt ready to be a dad. He still had "things" to do before he was ready to parent, on top of not wanting to tell his parents he had gotten me pregnant. So anyway, fast forward a year later we are preggo again, this time we parent, get married and everyone thinks we are going to live happily ever after, WRONG. We did stay married for almost 10 years we have 3 parented children together, I tried to stay with him, 10 yrs of trying but in the end, I resented the heck out of him (NO IT WASNT HIS DECISION ALONE, BUT I WAS SCARED TO DO IT ON MY OWN) we divorced and now we are both happily married to others.

So I guess in this ramble I am saying make your choice carefully, make sure it is a decision you make together so there is less of a chance of that resentment I felt.

Good Luck to you

[haleymaker1]

"My adoption experience has, personally, been nothing but positive. I chose W's (my son) parents early in my pregnancy, and we've had the chance to become very good friends. My daughter and I have a chance that we wouldn't have had if I'd have kept W."

Very much needed to hear something positive


I've been alil stressed from not hearing somthing more positive from this site. I appreciate hearing something in a positive light. I'm not looking for advice from people trying to change my mind on adoption or try to make me feel bad while saying they understand. I'm looking for birthmothers who want to share their own personal experiences on giving up their child. Because regardless it takes two people to make a baby, so there for it means their are two people in this relationship who have to make that decision together, not just one of us. We both have to live with our decision forever, because we're together forever.


Thanx for sharing littlebitty

[littlebitty]

To add... It does take two. My husband and I have been seperated for about a year and a half (yes, the son I placed is his... it was a Valentine's day accident. haha -- not the child... the activities leading up to the child. )... he is an addict and has his own struggles... But had he not been supportive of the adoption, it could have been HELL for me. He was supportive when I was crying (over the phone. He lives in a different state), he was supportive when my mind was not quite right. And when he was sent the paperwork to sign, he signed it that day, from rehab, and sent it back.

It does take two. I was very blessed to have a guy who cared enough to support my decision, though it was very hard on him, too.

And... if you ever need to hear something positive, I'm the most positive birthmother I've met... to a fault. I could be one of those annoying optimists who says "it could always be worse..." Hahaha... I've just been very blessed. I can't say it's been easy, but it has been worth it.

[haleymaker1]

This is my 2 cents worth, if it helps great, if not just simply disregard

Thanx for sharing your personal experience without judging me, it's very much respected.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm not looking for advice from people trying to change my mind on adoption or try to make me feel bad while saying they understand. I'm looking for birthmothers who want to share their own personal experiences on giving up their child.

Uh, if you're looking for birth mothers' stories on "giving up a child", you're going to get both positive and negative. If you don't want feedback of both kinds, don't ask for it at all. Some stories aren't wrapped in roses and rainbows.

I once said that I didn't want someone to change my mind as well. I'd give anything for a do-over. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky few that really know that their decision was one that was perfect. Note that I didn't even say the "only decision." The only decision route left me (and others) with a feeling of pressure by people and circumstance and left me (and many) wishing that someone, anyone, had come along and offered emotional support or a list of resourced to help parent.

You can look all you want for the positive stories but mothers here also have negative stories. They have every right to share them and bless them for doing so. I wish someone had shared with me.

[Free_to_be_me]

I'm one of the very lucky birthmoms who has no regrets. I had the support to make the decision that was best for me and my baby and the freedom to make the choice without anyone pushing me either way. To this day, almost twelve years later, I still do not know what decision my parents wanted me to make. (I was 17 at the time so their opinions were very important to me.)

This road has been really, really hard. The first year was pretty miserable. I missed my baby so much and was a little bit crazy. I knew I made the right decision, but it still hurt so much. I spent a LOT of time reflecting and journaling and crying to anyone who would listen. Even though it was really tough, it was absolutely, without a doubt, 100% the right choice for me. If I could have a do-over, I might change a couple little details, but the overall outcome would be the same.

At this point, most of my days are just fine. There are, however a couple days each year that are still hard. Sometimes I expect them. Sometimes they come out of nowhere. I just never know. But, most of the time I am just fine.

I have an open adoption that includes a very strong, respectful, trusting, two-way relationship with her adoptive parents. P and I have been able to develop a healthy relationship that is good for both of us. It works for us.

I don't really have any words of wisdom. I do want to give you the encouragement that adoption can be a really great option. It isn't always, so it is important to be aware of that, but it can be for some people.

Good luck on your journey.

[browneyes0707]

Haley:

I believe I have a positive story to tell in that I placed my DD for adoption, and 15 years later she is a beautiful and bright and well adjusted teenager. She had a stable and "typical" upbringing with a loving family who are also kind and loving towards me. My life right now is wonderful as well, I have a good job and a college degree and an awesome fiance. And all might not have happened this way if I did not choose adoption for my daughter.

But here's the truth. If you asked me at 17 why I was placing my child I would have told you that I was a freshman in college who was on awful terms with the father of my DD. I wanted her to grow up in an environment with two parents who loved her and could get along with eachother enough to put aside their issues for her best interest. I did not have faith that that would be the case. I had no doubt that my parents would be disappointed, yet supportive. They probably would have raised her, and I didn't want that for DD either. I felt that I owed it to my DD to make sure she had every advantage with two parents who could give that to her. The offer by her a mom to keep the adoption open to me was unexpected, and appreciated, since I'd always know how DD was doing.

So now 15 years later as a 33 year old looking back I can say that I still don't have major regrets about my choice, (lets face it, there are always what ifs and a bit of regret that rises to the surface at times) but my reasons are a bit different. I still know that my parents would have raised her and I didn't want that. But I now know, looking back that my ex would have come around. He would have helped me parent (To a point, I believe, he was not always very nice to me, but I can truly say he loves DD.) And we probably would have gone the same route Mommy 24 went, married, parented her and her siblings, and divorced.

My point after that ramble is this: Some things can change over time. It does take two, and the father's decision should ABSOLUTELY count for something. But you need to be true to your feelings as well. You need to make sure that in 5, 10, 15 years, whatever BOTH of you decide is what BOTH can live with. If you can stand by that, you'll be OK.

((hugs))) to you. I hope it all works out!

[InBlindFaith]

My journey hasn't been a bed of roses. It has been 18 years (almost 19) for me. DD went to a couple who love her and welcomed her into their hearts and home. Somehow I seem to find comfort in that. I can sugarcoat my stories for those who can't seem to understand, but I have realized the pretty little story doesn't help anyone...especially me. The Journey I have been on has been rough, I have spent years pushing any feeling down so I could not feel anymore. Along the way I became numb, I even lost myself a few times. Thanks to my friends and the stories here, good and bad, I found my strength. I also found friends here that are best described as "Sisters"

For me, being a Birthmother is painful, it is joyful, it is full of a love that I can not describe. It is a roller coaster ride, you don't know what emotion will be around the corner.

Make sure you are making this decision because you feel it is the best one. The most important thing you will need on this journey is a strong support system. I have found friendship and support here, there are times I don't like the responses I get, but sometimes it takes someone else to acknowledge that elephant in the room. As long as you make this decision because you feel it is the right one then please understand...it won't always be a pretty little story. You will find others here who can hold your hand on this journey, because this journey is not an easy one.

Lots and Lots of (((HUGS)))

[haleymaker1]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Uh, if you're looking for birth mothers' stories on "giving up a child", you're going to get both positive and negative. If you don't want feedback of both kinds, don't ask for it at all. Some stories aren't wrapped in roses and rainbows.

I have looked and their is definitely not many positive stories being shared. So I am very happy to hear that someone's life is going great and they are happy with the decision they made to adopt out their child.

"Uh, and this should be a kind, loving, understanding place to come to. Not a place to be ridiculed by telling someone one that they are making the wrong decision or that they shouldn't do adoption if isn't for a reason they feel suitable an adoption should be done for."

Oh and how it's my decision as the mother(lets disregard that this baby has a father too) and if I decide on adoption I'll end up resenting the babies father and breaking up. When in all reality it's extremely hard for my fiancé as well considering he's a father to one of our babies already and will be the birthfather to this one. I'm looking for supportive women to share their experiences good, bad and sad. Not to judge me or tell me what decision I should be making, If that's the case, adoptive parents should be allowed to tell me how I should give my child up, it's the best thing I could do for my child. There should't be a right or wrong reason why someone wants to do adoption. I'm the one who has to live with it. Just like I will do my research and make sure my child has a very LoVED, plentiful and BLESSED life. Just like I want to have a chance to be able to give my daughter.


PROUDEST birth MOMMY to PrincesS Haley Rene` 8/23/06

You have made me love life with every breath I breathe. I owe you everything that is wonderful in life. I will never regret making your life the very best it can be with every opportunity I can give to you my beautiful daughter... my precious Haley. I'm going to go pick you up and hold you so very close right now...

[SchmennaLeigh]

Why does your signature say you are a birth mother to the child you are parenting? I am so confused.

Please research the term and how a mother is a mother unless the termination of parental rights has been signed. Don't short change your title-age with regard to your beautiful daughter. Be her everyday mommy, not her birth mommy.

[Mommy24]

I am not sure if your comment in this past post was directed at me but in case let me respond.

I never said you WOULD resent your childs bfather, nor did I imply it. What I did was give MY situation and what happened to me. Food for thought would have been the best gift anyone could have given me at that time in my life. No One did.

My child's bfather regrets our decision to this day, have I ever said it was easy for him, NO, do I feel like he could have possibly took us down a different path had he stood up and been the man I needed him to be, YES and he will say the same thing now as a 37 year old man and not as the 20 year old boy that he was then.

I havent seen anyone judge you, ridicule you, in fact I have seen much support and lots of bmoms speaking from their own experiences which is what you asked for

Adoption for all involved isnt for the faint at heart, If I could do it all over again I would do so many things differently.

Again I hope you find what it is your looking for here at Adoption.com there are alot of VERY supportive people, open your heart