[Free_to_be_me]

I am a birthmom, but I also work with adoption. I am going to be talking with some crisis pregnancy center volunteers about talking about adoption-how to bring it up, non-offensive terminology, attitudes about adoption, barriers to considering adoption...that kind of stuff.

So, my question is...If you had just found out that you were pregnant and were talking to a volunteer counselor/peer counselor, are there specific things you would or would not want to have brought up as far as adoption is concerned?

I have my own personal experiences to draw from, but want others' ideas as well.

Thanks.

[thanksgivingmom]

interesting question...i want to think about this for a minute before i respond, but just wanted to bump this up and let you know that i had read it...

[TrinityAngel]

I'd want to hear the truth, that not all open adoptions stay open and that the "dear birthmom.." letters are actually created by the agency (with some input from the adoptive parents). I'd want to know that most (can't say all) agencies are out for the aparents and will say what they can to get get the adoption complete ($$$ involved) so I shouldn't let anyone pressure me into adoption. Mainly, I would want to know that there are people out there that truly want to help, and there are people out there that are just out for themselves.

This is based on what I read from various forums, I don't know because I am not a birthparent or an adoptive parent. Maybe I am reading about too many negatives about the adoption process.

Oh, and I also would want to know that there are other options out there, not just adoption. I'd want someone to tell me the reality of how I could feel after the adoption is complete.

[littlebitty]

I sought out adoption on my own when I was in my crisis pregnancy. I didn't go through a counselor or anything... but I think the main thing I would have wanted to hear is that I'm not alone.

I had no idea that there was this whole other world, this community of women who, whether it was 4 months ago or 40 years ago, for one reason or another placed their children for adoption.

And yes, it is important to tell these girls that it will not be an easy road... but it is also EXTREMELY important to tell them that life DOES go on... that placing thier child for adoption does not have to be the end of the road. That they don't have to see it as a negative thing. That they WILL mourn and grieve, but they will also SMILE and laugh. Mainly, that it's possible to have a good life, even though you're making the most important and hardest decision ever.

When I was an expectant mother, I got much more negative feedback than positive. My mind was already made up... what was the use in these people telling me how hard it would be and how I'd be miserable the rest of my life?

I just hope that you talk about adoption as a beautiful and life-affirming alternative. It is not an easy road, but, at least in my case, it is worth it to see my son in a happy home, and to see how his parents lives have been MADE by their sweet baby boy.

[taramayrn]

Hmm, honestly, that I didn't have to decide that minute and I could take a while to take everything in and think, then decide.

I think people feel like when they first find out they are pregnant they have to decide on what to do right away. That's not always the case.

I also like to know what "adoption" and "open adoption" means and how that will effect me and my child.

[taramayrn]

I think another thing is something that Littlebitty brought up. That usually life does go on, in most cases. Your life will not be a death sentence.

*I say that in MOST cases*

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by TrinityAngel

I'd want to hear the truth, that... the "dear birthmom.." letters are actually created by the agency (with some input from the adoptive parents).

THis is untrue. I personally wrote the letter that became a part of the profile shown to expecting mothers considering adoption. My agency made NO changes and had no input.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

THis is untrue. I personally wrote the letter that became a part of the profile shown to expecting mothers considering adoption. My agency made NO changes and had no input.

Thanks for picking up on this comment Tammy. You are right, from what I know, most agencies, have little to no input into Dear Birthmother letters. They might make suggestions, but bottom line you can put what you want in them.

Truth - sounds like you are pretty cynical of the adoption experience. You are right there is no guarantee that an open adoption will stay open. Faith and trust are huge players in open adoption.

[TrinityAngel]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

THis is untrue. I personally wrote the letter that became a part of the profile shown to expecting mothers considering adoption. My agency made NO changes and had no input.

That's good to know. I read otherwise on other boards so maybe it depends on the agency.

[TrinityAngel]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

Truth - sounds like you are pretty cynical of the adoption experience. You are right there is no guarantee that an open adoption will stay open. Faith and trust are huge players in open adoption.

Just a thought: aren't there are laws that are trying to be passed that an open adoption has to stay open unless proven that the openess isn't a good idea, such as if the mother is doing drugs and can negatively affect the child? I have read this too. Anyone know if this is true? If it did pass in some states? Or it's just a plan that may happen in the future?

I have read so many different things, I don't know what is accurate or not accurate.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

.... there is no guarantee that an open adoption will stay open. Faith and trust are huge players in open adoption.

THis is definitely something that must be said to someone considering open adoption, regardless of whether you are an expecting parent or a waiting family. SOmetimes, as in our case, the open adoption will not stay open no matter how hard you try to make it work. And sometimes, it is the decision of the first family not the adoptive family to stop contact. It's about the relationship committed to and worked on for the short term and the long haul. But there are no guarantees...

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by TrinityAngel

Just a thought: aren't there are laws that are trying to be passed that an open adoption has to stay open unless proven that the openess isn't a good idea, such as if the mother is doing drugs and can negatively affect the child? I have read this too. Anyone know if this is true? If it did pass in some states? Or it's just a plan that may happen in the future?

I have read so many different things, I don't know what is accurate or not accurate.

This is true. There are states that have binding agreements for openness. Of course, it depends on the integrity of the people entering into the agreement whether it is useful or not.

[Irish_Eyes]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

THis is untrue. I personally wrote the letter that became a part of the profile shown to expecting mothers considering adoption. My agency made NO changes and had no input.

I also believe it depends on the agency because I have a very close relationship with my bdaughters Aparents and the amom told me that the agency wrote up the letter based on questions (like an interview) they asked her and her husband. She said she was thankful that they did that because the letter came out to be very impressive. But this isn't the case with every agency.

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

THis is untrue. I personally wrote the letter that became a part of the profile shown to expecting mothers considering adoption. My agency made NO changes and had no input.

Yes, this was also true in our case. DH and I chose EVERY photo and EVERY word that went into our profile, and the agency had NO input. In fact, I didn't like any of the "sample" ones the agency showed and asked them if we could do our own thing; they said sure.

[Free_to_be_me]

Thanks, everyone for the good info. I talked to the volunteers and it was a big success. They were really happy to hear different perspectives...