[jessica mac]

I recently have been in contact with a woman struggling to commit to her decision of adoption for her son. Her son has been in foster care for a week and today is the day she has committed to signing the relinquishment papers. While providing her with support I suddenly had a flashback to the day and moment I signed my relinquishment papers and found myself surprisingly emotional. I flashed back to the difficult moment I had the papers in my lap and remember looking for any excuse not to sign them. I left the confident point of clarity I had reached with my decision and began to let my selfish desire to parent take over. This made the process very long as I held the papers for quite a while. I remember asking the birthfather if we should wait a few more days and he left it up to me. Although I wanted to, I didn't b/c I knew in my heart that I had reached the best decision and would be just delaying the inevitable, which would have made it even more difficult. I think so much went into this b/c of how final and concrete I knew those papers were and that there would be no turning back. Although it was a very difficult moment, I did feel a great sense of relief after I signed as I finally made my decision final and could begin to heal. The agency I worked with really helped me begin this healing through a placement ceremony. I will always cherish that ceremony and am so grateful I had the opportunity to say goodbye in such a meaningful way. I was able to cherish my last moments with him as his mother and say all the things to him I wanted and needed to say. I also was blessed by the adoptive parents' presence as we sat together and prayed for our son and all we wanted for him. It was the perfect way to say goodbye. I am very grateful that it was videotaped as well so Ryan will be able to look back at it someday as I have also been able to. If you are a birthmother, what was your experience saying goodbye? As a seeking woman, please let me know if you have any questions about my experience as I'd love to answer them...thanks

[scared21]

Hiya, my adoption isn't final yet... my son has also been in foster care for almost a week, it will be a while yet before anything is made final. Just wanted to say that your post brought tears to my eyes... I'm glad you were able to have such a positive (if that's the right word) experience. Do you have an open adoption? xxx

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by jessica mac

I recently have been in contact with a woman struggling to commit to her decision of adoption for her son. Her son has been in foster care for a week and today is the day she has committed to signing the relinquishment papers.

She has no legal responsibility to sign at a week. Her "committment" is not legally binding. If she is still struggling she should not be forced to make a decision.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Uh, "selfish desire to parent?"

Wow.

As Brenda said, the "commitment" isn't legally binding and if a new mother doesn't feel 100% that placement is right for her than she has every legal right to make the decision to parent.

[lonni]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Uh, "selfish desire to parent?"

Wow.

As Brenda said, the "commitment" isn't legally binding and if a new mother doesn't feel 100% that placement is right for her than she has every legal right to make the decision to parent.

Glad you said that. I thought I read that wrong. I hope no one convinced her she was selfish if she parented.ugh ugh ugh...

Edit to add, Jessica it sounds like your grief was triggered. I hope you are okay. It must be horrible to relive it over and over knowing someone else is about to make the choice of whether or not to go through the same journey.

[lonni]

Jessica,are you still working (volunteering) as a birthmom mentor for your former agency? Please don't consider chosing to parent as selfish.
If you had parented
~ Jessica ~instead of placing,there is nothing selfish about it. I sure hope NO ONE ever said that to you in order to convince you.

[katlyn]

I left the confident point of clarity I had reached with my decision and began to let my selfish desire to parent take over.

I hope that we don't focus on this comment, because she is speaking of herself and her own feelings and not that of every birth/firstmother...it seems to me that sometimes everyone seems to take one particular line out of a post or thread and focus on that instead of reading it and replying to the whole...that is just my opinion, but I'd hate for her original message to get lost in that mess.

Even though my goodbye to my birth/firstdaughter was almost 21 yrs ago, I remember it like it was yesterday. I had four wonderful days that seemed to fly by, changing her, feeding her, singing to her and holding her as much as I could. My adoption was through a lawyer, so no agency was involved and my final moments with my daughter were spent alone just the two of us. I remember my mother visiting me that morning and asking the nurse to give me a couple of valium hoping I suppose to knock me out or at least make me sedate enough as not to be histerical. It didn't help...I had them leave her with me for the whole day, or what was left of our last day...and I cuddled her in my arms and rested my chin lightly on her sleeping little forehead. Just as I was about to drift off with her, the nurse came to tell me they had come for her. I kissed her and held her and felt my heart bursting into a million pieces as I watched the nurse collecting the blanket I had made her, with the letter I wrote to her and the teddy her great aunt had bought for her. Then the moment came for me to hand her over and my emotions were uncontrollable. I called my mom to take me home, because I was unable to stay in the room any longer...I felt as though I had suddenly become very clausterphobic. A part of my had died the instant she left that room and I felt like an empty shell and it took me two years to find my way back. Now I have found her and just this last week we have begun a communication, and although I still remember that precious baby, I am looking forward to hopefully one day meeting the beautiful woman she has grown into. Sorry for the Ramble...I wish the young woman you are helping all the strength and support and well wishes I can, I pray she does take her time and know as truly as she can that relinquishing is something she can live with and is right for her and her child.

[scared21]

Originally Posted by katlyn

I hope that we don't focus on this comment, because she is speaking of herself and her own feelings and not that of every birth/firstmother...it seems to me that sometimes everyone seems to take one particular line out of a post or thread and focus on that instead of reading it and replying to the whole...that is just my opinion, but I'd hate for her original message to get lost in that mess.

I'm glad you said that, I was thinking the same thing.

Also, I can only speak for myself, but I feel like my desire to parent right now is selfish... in the sense that part of me just wants to take my son and make a go of it, but thinking logically I know it isn't the right thing for me or him. "Giving him away" is the harder choice for me, but it's also the right choice. I miss him so much and just want to be with him, so I feel like choosing to parent would be selfish because it would just be to make this pain go away... if that makes sense? That said, I would never ever think anybody else selfish for choosing to parent, of course not. I'm only saying how I feel, and can't speak for Jessica but I don't think she was generalising at all....

[katlyn]

I'm glad you said that, I was thinking the same thing.

Also, I can only speak for myself, but I feel like my desire to parent right now is selfish... in the sense that part of me just wants to take my son and make a go of it, but thinking logically I know it isn't the right thing for me or him. "Giving him away" is the harder choice for me, but it's also the right choice. I miss him so much and just want to be with him, so I feel like choosing to parent would be selfish because it would just be to make this pain go away... if that makes sense? That said, I would never ever think anybody else selfish for choosing to parent, of course not. I'm only saying how I feel, and can't speak for Jessica but I don't think she was generalising at all....

Your feelings about making the parenting to "make the pain go away", makes perfect sense to me. I felt those feelings too, and after I signed, there were all of the what if's that followed...what if I kept her, what if I could have made it work, what if my family was there to help me, could I have...???? But I could what if my self to death with those feelings, I know I'm not the only birth/firstmom to have all those feelings and more. Thanks for agreeing with my prior comment, I just hate to see a thread go so far off the original post just because of someones "feelings"....we all have feelings and are entitled to them as long as we aren't generalizing or speaking for others. I wish you luck with your decision to place, feel free to PM me anytime .

[lonni]

I suppose I was responding out of my own adoptee perspective,which clearly has no place here in this topic.
Please excuse me.
Carry on... ;~))

[katlyn]

I suppose I was responding out of my own adoptee perspective,which clearly has no place here in this topic.
Please excuse me.
Carry on... ;~))

Lonni,
I want you to know that I was in no way referring to your post, I apologize if you thought that, I just hate to see threads go so far out in left field and nowhere near the original thread, that the OP's meaning is lost in the jumble.

[littlebitty]

"selfish desire to parent..."

I struggled with it, too. I knew that my son would be much better off in a home with both parents, with parents who could be there... with parents who could provide for him without the struggles that I was facing. I knew that my 2 1/2 year old daughter would be better off than if I was raising both of my children alone.

I knew he would be better off. I went through a phase, however, where I thought... "If I give him away, how will I deal with the grief?" If I would have kept him, so that I would not have to bear the grief, it would have been so unfair to the lives that he and my daughter could have... it would have been selfish.

So, I completely empathise with the feeling of "selfish desire"....

Peace to all!
Jeska

[littlebitty]

Oh, and I also had a beautiful placement ceremony, that I also marked as the end and beginning of a very new and different, but beautiful life.

The night before I signed the papers, my son and his parents and I sat in my room in the hospital and had a pizza party... and just talked, cried a little, but mostly talked.

The day I said goodbye... my son's mother and I stood over his nursery bed in the hospital and prayed for him... and just cried... together... his two mothers, crying... one crying for the end of her motherhood to him, and the other crying for the beginning of hers... and both crying for eachother.

The day we signed the papers was sad... and happy. We were at the office where I work, and I happen to work for the Bishop, so when the papers were signed, he came in and said a prayer for all of us as we held hands.

It was so bittersweet. I now know the meaning of the word.

[Brooke12-30]

I do feel 100% that if I were to parent my baby it would be selfish. There are many times in my daydreams that I imagine what it would be like to bring her home and kiss her all over and be her mama but that would not be best for her!

[josh1788smom]

Totally my opinion - but I think the selfish desire to parent feeling is a mechanism that is within human beings to enable us to care for our young. Yes adoption happens - but it is not a "normal" course of action for a child to be separated from a parent. Yes there are some not suited to parent so I am not speaking of those where the child is abused or endangered in any way.

My son is 18. Relinquishment was not my idea. His coming to terms with being adopted are that I gave him up and he respects that. BUT big BUT - the relationship we could have - should have - is forever GONE. I wish my selfish desire to parent would have been so strong I could have fought my parents lack of desire for me to parent. Now I come at this with 3 other small children who have been deprived of a brother - a brother they so deeply miss in their lives.

It is not always the baby and the package you have when you are young. Adoption is the life-long altering of familial relationships. Familial relationships are the basic building blocks of who we are and who we become. Thank God for the selfish desire to parent.