[Bellabic]

Hello......

I'm 40 years old, have never in my life wanted children and I just found out I'm pregnant a week ago. I'm not married and was about to end the relationship w/ father when I found out.......

I had 2 abortions in 1990 and have since become a different person......am definitely pro-life now, but unfortunately I considered abortion just last week because I feel so stuck. I have since changed my mind for sure, and have already been in contact with a christian adoption agency.

At a time that's the biggest joy of most peoples' lives, I'm absolutely devastated and feel like a curse has been placed on me rather than accepting it as a blessing. After telling me for a week that he would be totally supportive of me no matter what.....last night the father walked out on me. I said I was getting ready to end the relationship, but the pregnancy and his "support" changed my mind......at least until the baby is born and happily placed in a loving family. The father is unstable to say the least - a financial disaster, and even when I found that my feelings on being a mother might be changing, I had to realize that I would never get any financial support of him so adoption seems to be my only answer.

I have so many feelings inside that I need to talk about and I haven't even touched on the initial intention of this thread......

I'm a cigarette smoker and I haven't stopped smoking (found out one week ago that I was 1-2 weeks pregnant at the time). I feel so guilty every time I smoke a cigarette, and after last night I've smoked more than normal. Right when I was telling myself how badly I need to quit.......and succeeding on cutting down....he left me. I can't stand the stress and heartache.

I feel horrible that I'm so devastated at the thought of a new life being created and formed in me, and even worse that I can't even care enough about the baby to stop smoking immediately. I already have love for this child - I would NEVER do anything to intentionally harm the baby or myself as a "way out", but the smoking urge hasn't gone away.

I think maybe I'm still in denial about it and it hasn't sunk in.......maybe when it does I can put the cigarettes down for good?

PS I'm praying for a miscarriage and I know that's not right either.

[Bellabic]

I just want to add that I realize the hypocrisy in stating that I would never do anything to harm this unborn child, in the same sentence as "I can't stop smoking". What a contradiction.......

I'm nothing but an emotional mess and can't find any meaning in anything right now.

While I know the dangers of a pregant woman smoking are well known and documented, I find myself justifying it by saying that my mother smoked through all 4 of us children......I have friends today that didn't quit and their babies are fine.........and what - is abortion the answer since I don't want to quit. NO!! IT CAN'T BE!!

This is my first day on the site, so I'm not basing this request on anything I've seen, but please......no judgments please. If you can't relate to my situation in a positive manner please don't respond. I've been a member of other "support" sites where double standards prevailed.......some people got support, some people got judgment.....please not again.

[SchmennaLeigh]

My question is if you have wanted children for your entire life, why are you in contact with any agency?

Your doctor has resources available to you to help you stop smoking. Many OBGYN's offer it free to their pregnant clients. Seek this out.

Best of luck.

[Bellabic]

Thanks for the stop smoking advice.....I plan to check with my doctor on that.

You misread my post......I've never wanted children - and at 41 (I'll be at birth time) I want them even less.

Thanks again.

[bajj]

Bellabic, I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I agree with Jenna, your ob can help you quit smoking.

I do believe your emotions during this entire thing will change, if you choose to parent or if you choose to place your baby. I pray someday you can see a blessing in disguise here.

Big hugs Bella!

[SchmennaLeigh]

LOL! My bad.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I can't imagine what a shock it must be to you to find yourself pregnant after all these years - and particularly since you say you never wanted to have children.

It is still early yet, so you never know - you may change your mind and want to parent this child. If not, and you decide to proceed with placing your baby, there are lots of loving families out there. Make sure you get what you're looking for with the adoption relationship.

My prayers are with you.

[EmmaLeigh2882]

Keeping you in my prayers! I am sure this is a very difficult time.

[Vogi2002]

Bella - first off Smoking is a VERY hard habit to break, wether the pregnancy is planned or not. I think it is great that you are taking action, but don't think you are a bad person for not being able to just up and quit. It takes many people many years to quit. There are some Nonsmokers tend to be a little judgemental, but many don't realize what a strong addiction it is, particularly worse when you are stressed out (as you are). Please don't beat yourself up, yes talk to your dr to get help with quitting...

As far as the pregnancy goes you are very early on, but if you feel strongly about adoption my advice is to research. Research different adoption options (open, closed, semi-open, agency, lawyer, private, etc) and at the same time really take your time to make sure this is what you want (not questioning your judgement here, just making sure to let you know that there is no hurry). IMO, I would research and figure out what YOU want then find an agency to fit your needs. The last step, IMO, would be finding a couple. That way you KNOW what you want, and it can help your decision.

I hope this makes sense. Good luck and please feel free to ask away if you have any more questions!