[Scarlett_A.]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

Thats sad for them - but that doesn't mean it will happen or that it always does...
(And FWIW, we're all over ten...)

You say that, but yet you also say this:

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

While I agree that counseling is in order (its a given in adoption)

referring to this:

Which is often the time that it "hits" adopted children as well.) referring to 10 years]

If counseling is a "given" in adoption, why would it not be a "given" for the children who are left behind to deal with the consequences? A child who's surrendered will grieve, but the children who remain behind WON'T?

I wholeheartedly disagree with that, and I can speak of it from experience. I thought my children were way too young to "know the difference".........trust me.......they DO "know the difference".

It affects EVERYONE. Moreso if people choose to ignore it and pretend like it doesn't exist.

Sorry, I just disagree.

My advice to you, OP, would be to really consider it deeply for the rest of your pregancy. At some point your children are going to notice your growing belly, you're going to HAVE the baby, and then your other children are going to watch YOUR baby, THEIR brother/sister, go off with their aunt & uncle. And that is going to be really difficult for them.

I have a particularly hard time with these "family" adoptions, especially where other children are involved. The older children watch their little bro/sis getting sent away and wonder what the heck is going on that that would come about, OR all the children are lied to, forced into denial and suffer lifetime consequences for it. You wouldn't exactly be able to keep it a secret........if your other children are older, at some point THEY will tell their "cousin" that she/he is actually a bro/sis, how is your baby going to feel at that point???? And even if you did manage to keep it a secret for a long time, imagine when that child finds out that their ENTIRE family has lied to them all of their life, what is that going to do?

If you are financially able to care for your child, I don't know why you wouldn't. You may have to make an emotional sacrifice of your own for a few years (you mention you never pictured yourself as the mother of four), but I think if you are capable of doing THAT as well (which many of us do for our children), then your child belongs in HIS/HER home with HIS/HER family, most importantly YOU.

You asked what it's "really" like to be a "birthmother", and I will tell you:
It's REALLY, REALLY painful. I would imagine it would be even more painful with the child remaining part of the family, to see your little one, but you're supposed to "let go", "detach yourself", etc., etc......it will hurt like no other.

I really think you are setting yourself and your child up for a world of heartbreak. That is just my opinion.

[BrandyHagz]

I didn't say counseling wasn't required - just that not all children grieve...I think counseling is a good idea...but just because I think counseling is a good idea, doesn't mean that all children grieve...

I can see how you might have misread what I wrote though. Sorry about that.

[Scarlett_A.]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

I didn't say counseling wasn't required - just that not all children grieve...I think counseling is a good idea...but just because I think counseling is a good idea, doesn't mean that all children grieve...

I can see how you might have misread what I wrote though. Sorry about that.

OK, now I understand better what you meant. Thanks for explaining.

[opalwench]

Ok, I've been meaning to post 3 or 4 times now, but I had to take a step back and breathe and put it all in perspective.

My boyfriend and I placed our daughter with his sister and her family a month and a half ago.

To the OP, I'm going to strongly encourage you to make sure you're ok with your decision. Adoption of any sort is hard. But if this is what you think is best then I wish you the best of luck. And I mean it. It will be a very hard day for you when you give birth, and know that my thoughts are with you as you work this out.

To Scarlett... Why would the family have to "lie" to anyone? I mean I don't have older children of my own, but we have a 4 year-old niece who is now the big sister to our birthdaughter. She came to the hospital with her parents when I gave birth. Nobody is hiding where the baby came from... We've had several discussions about how Jeff passed along his nose to her. Open adoptions are common days... why not in a family situation?

I've noticed that you aren't the only one who has reservations about family adoptions... I'm curious as why some people think that they would be worse than regular adoptions, but hey everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by opalwench

I've noticed that you aren't the only one who has reservations about family adoptions... I'm curious as why some people think that they would be worse than regular adoptions, but hey everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

Not worse, but certainly more complicated. Roles change. You are an aunt, but you are your daughter's birthmother first. All the history between family members also comes with family members. That history may be a good thing or it may be negative. I know many family adoptions where the adoptive parents see the placement as "correcting a mistake the birthparents made" or "cleaning up after the birthparents yet again" (both are direct quotes) I havve seen families unable to handle the birthparents grief to the point of ignoring it. I have seen instances where the identity of the birthparents are not aknowledged.

No, these things do not happen in all situations, but they do happen. I think they can work out well when people are educated and aware of the issues.

[bromanchik]

Just remember that the "decision" to place is made again and again. You cannot make a truly informed decision until the baby is in your arms. How you feel about the adoption while seeing, holding your child, "meeting" them for the first time, is an important piece of information that really needs to be part of the decision making process.

Originally Posted by Need Advice

The hardest day is going to be the day I give birth, but we will get thru it. Thanks for everyones advice.

The hardest day will be the day you are seperated for the first time. It is like amputation. There will be months, maybe years of deep grieving. Losing a child is never easy, even in an open adoption, even when it may be the best decision.

We are here for you.

[Need Advice]

Well, I can see there are many people who do not approve of my decisions. None of us, my husband and I, my sister and brother in law. none of us plan to lie to this child. That was one of the first things we all talked about. We do not want any of our children to lose the "sibling bond" and they won't. My sister and I are very close. She thinks of my children as her own and takes them for weekends and holidays when we don't have any plans and they love her to death. This child will be no different. It will be loved to death by my sister and her husband and by me and my husband. My daugther already knows the whole situation and has known about it for over a year now. She knew at some point I would be carrying a child for my sister. My daughter only had one request....it has to be a girl...LOL but we all know we can't "make" that happen. I know it will be hard. I have thought it thru a million times. And since everyone keeps puttin the "financial situation" of my family in their posts....yes my husband and I have the finances to care for another child. That is not our reasoning behind adoption. There is alot more to the decisions. Everyone thinks I'm doing it cause I "feel" like I should Help my sister become a mother or because I'm not financially able to care for a child. Neither one of those reasons are true. If you knew me or my family u may understand. But none of u actually know me. I thank you all for your opinions and advice you have given me. some of it has helped me with my decisions and some of it has just been you guys disagreeing with each other. That didn't help at all.

[Mommy24]

Need~ Good luck in your journey, It is never easy and I think it is great that you have made a decision in the best interest of your child. Good luck to you and your family

[opalwench]

Need- I'm sorry if it sounds like I don't approve, you sounded a bit unsure in some of the posts, and I remembered teetering back and forth myself.

The relationship that you describe with your sister's family is what Jeff and I hope to have with his sister's family. When you were talking about how you wouldn't want anyone other than your sister to adopt your child, it really hit home. We'd said those exact same words not very long ago.

Best wishes to all of your family.

[Treasuring My Gift]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

OP, please do not place this baby to give your sister a child. Adoption really boils down to finding a home for children who need one, not finding a baby for parents who want one. If you really believe in your heart of hearts that you do not have what it takes to raise this child, to provide for them what you feel they need, then adoption may be the right decision. However, if you are thinking about doing this for your sister's sake, please think again. Seperation of mother and child should only happen if it is the best thing for the child. What might be best for your sister should not factor into this decision.

I'm an A-mom and I totally agree with this. I am so grateful for the opportunity that adoption has given me to be a mother, but it should only happen when it's what's best for the child.

[Marimar]

My dear,
The birthmoms here are trying to protect you. Because they have been there and done that. They know from first hand how difficult adoption can be for everyone.
if there is a way to prevent it I bet most of the women would do everything to prevent that seperation.

You think "you know better" but what I am afraid is when you start to really understand the consequences of adoption it will be too late.

Will you be able to talk with your sister when it really hurts? Will you be able to share your feelings. What will it be like when your sadness will be her joy and you will carry it all through your life. What if your relationship with her changes a lot and surprises even you. it may bring out the best in both of you and it may also bring out the worst.

I dont know.

Why put yourself and your children and this baby into circumstances where the come out may hurt you, your inner family, the relationship between you and your sister etc.

Anyways, it is your life..
I really wish the best for you and your family.
Good luck.

[twinsofgrace]

Wow. I have three children with my aunt and Uncle right now, and twin boys with my mom. I'm pregnant with twins boy and girl, and am not ready to place them with the family I chose on Jan. 12. I know how it feels to place for adoption temporarilily and permanently. My mom and the twins and I see eachother frequently. I will always be their first mom, and my mom is their mom. My first three in Montana, who I haven't seen in 6 months, know I am coming back for them. I suggest that you are clear what you want in the adoption. She and you and everyone involved will be totally blessed for it, and if you set guidelines. Amount of contact you want with the child, how you will be an auntie, but how you will explain to your child when they are ready what you did for your sister, their mommy. They will be so loved. Make sure she understands you want an open adoption. This is your choice and your child. I'm glad you have your husbands support. Do what's best for your child. Maybe you need to also know that God loves you and your children so much and binds you altogether. When your'e afraid, pray, and see what He wants for that child. Don't need to succumb to any pressure. I know how precious children are. They are such a blessing and adoption is very unnatural. Its the most unselfish thing a human could do. I trust God that He is going to use this experience to bless me and strengthen me and always bind our hearts together, until we are together again.

[snowbyrd]

God bless on your decision. I know that this hasn't been an easy decision for you or your husband and praise you for your thought and consideration. You know better than anyone what is ultimately right for your child, family, and future. It won't be easy, but life rarely is, even under the best circumstances. Stay strong and good luck for a happy, healthy pregnancy!

-Snowbyrd

[Need Advice]

Well I haven't been on here in a very long time to let everyone know what was going on. As most women know...while you are pregnant you share a special bond with your baby and even though I was thinking of giving her up for adoption to my big sister, I bonded with her. Once she started kicking and moving around...My feelings changed completely. I knew there was no way in the world I could give her up. OH and I had a baby girl and we named her Hailey! She was born June 16th and she is beautiful!! Just wanted to thank everyone for their advice! It all gave me alot to think about before making my decision. I hurt my sister but it's all good now and we're talking again and she is now raising money for her adoption in the future. My husband and I are goin to help her out since we couldn't give her a child. THank you to everyone!!!

[Mommy24]

Good for you!!! I am glad everything worked out and I wish the best for your sister and her husband!


((Hugs))