[anati]

I don't even know what to say. I just started to get on my feet and then notice my period hasn't come. Anyway found out I'm preg and this is the worst possible time. I can't deal with this. I just moved and wanted to get a job and start taking classes and had so many goals for becoming self sufficient and now this. I guess I'm still in shock. I can't bring myself to tell anyone I don't want anyone to know!!!! I keep hoping it's not true. I wanted to get a job and save money to get my own place asap. I can't afford a baby and this is such a stressful hard time I just don't have what it takes to take care of another baby. I feel like moving far far away so nobody will find out. I don't even know what to think or do now. I am looking for frienship, advice, support with no judgements or lectures. Please help!

[BrandyHagz]

Take a lot of time and research your options. Think about all options and then decide what is best for you.

There is no right or wrong answer and no one can tell you what is best for you

Deciding to place is a hard decision.
Deciding to parent is a hard decision.

Think about the long term affects of each choice and know that any choice you make now will have to be made and remade over and over again, both before birth and after you give birth...

We're hear to support you

Please let me know if you get any PM's indicating that they'd like to talk to you more about their family - solicitation is NOT allowed on this forum and if someone sends you that kind of message, their account will be banned without warning!

[anati]

I'd like to add more. If I don't have a miscarriage (had one a few years ago) I think I have to place for adoption that's why I'm here. But I have no idea what to do. Do I go thru an agency, do I find parents directly, how do I do that, how do I find out what is best? I have googled adoption but there's so many sites that leaves me confused. So I found this site to talk to real people who can give advice. I guess I'm so shocked I just feel numb. I am too embarrassed to tell anyone. I really do not want to be pregnant but I am. I would like to know if I can get some kind of assistance with living costs or help in finding a place to live?? And when is the right time to make a decision?? It is early but I do not want to wait till the last minute! This is too much stress and I just want to know what to do. Thanks.

[Scarlett_A.]

Anati-take a deep breath. Try to relax. I know how stressful it is, believe me-I know.
I know you don't want a "lecture", but in SOME cases adoption is a *permanent* solution to a *temporary* problem (finances, school, etc.)
I am not telling you what to do, one way or another. If you decide to go with adoption, I think you will find there is no lack of couples out there who would be more than willing to adopt your child.
I would suggest starting by reading the "birthparent" and "adoptee" boards here, (and while you're at it maybe read the "adoptive parent" boards, too) and getting a firm grip on what adoption means for you and your child.
Although you may not feel this way NOW, if you are going to go through with adoption, you may want to look into finding an "open-adoption" arrangement-where you might at least get updates and pics so you know your child is well and happy.
A lot of places won't even "match" you with a couple until you are much further along in your pregnancy, so you DO have time.
Although it may seem that adoption is the very best thing right now, you may find yourself with regrets later......even in the most stressful circumstances many mothers find themselves wishing they had "given it a go"(raising their child). Again, I know you don't want a lecture, but honestly it could have been me writing your exact words about 2 years ago.
Try not to stress. There are a lot of people here who are open and willing to listen and support you whichever way you decide.
I wish you only the very best of luck.

[tyiakoum]

Hi Anati. Take a deep breath. Today will be a better, brighter day.

You have many resources. Here's a few suggestions to start with.

If you live in a small town, you can usually get assistance at the town hall or government center. Many times, they have a food pantry/social assistance office. You could start there.

If you live in a larger town, you can contact your local state social services office. Or the WIC office (stands for Women, Infant, and Children). Or both.

Another resource for you is larger churches, which usually have extended resources available to assist those in need. You do not need to be a member to seek assistance. I would try going to the church office and ask the secretary for help. They ususally know who handles the outreach. Do not feel obligated to take any of the pastors or social service workers' advice. Follow your heart as you educate yourself.

You have plenty of time to decide whether or not to place your child for adoption. These boards, in particular, this section, will give you invaluable support and advice, from a number of sources in the triad... the expectant moms, like you, birth parents who have placed, or, adoptive families who have good intent (do not let anyone PM you here, it is against the rules of this board).

Should you decide to move forward on adoption after much education on your choices, there are agencies, attorneys and facilitators out there who can help you find a good family for your child. The agencies are licensed, nonprofits, and many of them are very careful to assist and educate expectant women without pressuring you to place your child for adoption. YOu have to do your homework and don't pick the first agency or attorney that comes along. I'm sure the first moms on here and expectant parents can give you deeper criteria than I on questions to ask and information to gather while at the agency/attorney.

There are social agencies out there that place expectant moms in living situations. Many of them are associated with hospitals and community health resources. A state social services agency can most likely assist you in finding housing, or, do a google search for your town or the biggest town near you and type in something like "women in crisis" and it should pop up.

If you do not have a doctor (and your family doc can be your doc for a while, but eventually you will have to get an OB/GYN for the delivery and for prenatal care for the baby), in many larger towns/cities there are free medical clinics available. Usually located in churches, they can provide you w/assistance until you get added to the State Medical care roster (see a state social service agent to be added to your state's medical care). Again, a google church type in "free medical+the name of your town or state or both) should give you that info.

Good luck to you. I really hope this helps. I know you are overwhelmed and it seems like a lot to do, but make a few phone calls and things will start falling into place for you. You are educating yourself NOW for the benefit of your child and your own well-being.

Take care, hugs,

[StacyKelly2]

After reading you post my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Coming to this board will hopefully give you the answers you need. Only you know in your heart what is best for you and your little angel. Pray and God will give you the strength and will guide you to what is best for you. Just keep posting any and all questions this forum is very helpful. I wish you peace with your decision. God Bless

[anati]

I'll probably be asking several more questions. I try not to think about the time where people will find out. I don't want to deal with any reactions. I moved back in with the parents to start over but I can't imagine being here later on when it's obvious. I saw on an agency website where there is some birthmother housing so I might think about that. I don't even know where it is. Just feel like hiding. I don't know what the father will say. We are not speaking but I dread his reaction too. It is still early on so theres lots of time for decisions I guess.

[SchmennaLeigh]

The fact is this: even if you are able to magically hide your pregnancy from those around you, reactions will happen one day. What about when they see your stretch marks when you're getting dressed on your wedding day? What about when you decide that you're not willing to keep your child a secret any longer? What about when you are involved in your child's life, either now or in reunion?

It's one thing to take time to get used to an idea on your own. It's another to set yourself up for harder, harsher reactions on down the line. You DESERVE a support group.

That said, I encourage you to research the options available to you outside of what is offered by an adoption agency. Birthmother housing should be your last option for housing. Why? You need somewhere to live after your child is born as well. Public assistance offers rent assistance and, for example, our office had a list of available, affordable apartments in our county.

Don't rule out parenting because it's the "scarier" option right now in relation to telling people and finding resources. One hardship is exchanged for another when adoption is involved.

[anati]

I already have stretch marks. I got married and it was an experience I never want to repeat. I have a 1 and 2 year old from that. They exhaust me and I'm struggling with them since I am trying to start over. That is why I just can not handle another. If I felt I could, then I would. If birthmother housing should be a last option I will try to find something else. I am looking for a job currently and hope to get my own place. But now I'm obsessing over this pregnancy situation it's like I can't concentrate on anything else.

[tyiakoum]

Anati, my heart goes out to you, especially in light of your divorce and the two children. My DH, Andreas, told me the other day when I was agonizing about our adoption...

We weren't put here on this earth to have a good time. We were put here to learn and build character. You cannot build character through only positive experiences. Through the difficult times, how you rise to the occasion and what you learn from those difficulties is the true measure of character.

It stopped me in my tracks (well, I was in the shower, crying, at the time, so it stopped me shampooing my hair, basically).

He is so wise, and he is so right. All these things that are weighing heavily on you will be lessons learned but also, will help you become a stronger woman by making it through the experience.

I say, let your parents know that you are again expecting, and it was not planned. See if they rise to the occasion to help you. I am sure they will. Then your housing problem won't seem so big anymore.

Jenna gave you really succinct advice about your pregnancy. You have to acknowledge its existence, sweetie. I know you want to stick your head in the sand like an ostrich or put your head under your wingfeathers like a bird but every passing day, your baby is growing inside you.

You have proven what a strong woman you are just by the two children you now have, and the marriage that you disentangled yourself from.

I know you are struggling. We all have big struggles... you can make it through this!!!!

Huge Hugs of support,

[anati]

Thanks for all the advice. I wish I could stop thinking about all this for 5 minutes. During my last preg I swore up and down it would never happen again. Before I even found out I was preg I already had plans on getting a job, looking for part time classes and saving up for getting my own place asap. This was supposed to be a temporary situation. Where I live there is no such thing as rent assistance. There is welfare, medicaid, food stamps, and child care assistance which may or may not have a waiting list. There are also public housing units where rent is based on income and the waiting list varies.

It's true, I just hope the whole thing will magically go away. I know it won't but can't stop from thinking if I ignore it maybe it will go away.

I'm afraid my parents might die of a heart attack when they find out, well they will definitely be shocked anyway.

The father and I are not speaking and I have no idea what his reaction will be. I know he won't be happy about the pregnancy but I can't imagine what he'd say about adoption.

Im not due till June so that leaves enough time for decisions.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Hmm, rent assistance is offered through welfare. If it wasn't available before, it might be now. It's something you have to qualify for, like cash assistance and food stamps. Ask about it.

Time is good. Give yourself that time. In the mean time, don't be so hard on yourself. You are human, like everyone else.

[SchmennaLeigh]

PS: Did some research for you. Kentucky DOES have rent assistance: Rental Assistance Opportunities

Go apply.

[opalwench]

First off... ((HUG)).

Secondly, I'm going to second (third?) the advice of talking to your parents. Like Jenna said, you deserve a support group. I remember thinking my parents would keel over or go supernova or something. They didn't when I finally did. (Well I did make sure to tell them to be sitting down first.) I really tied myself up in knots about telling them, and didn't actually tell them until after my birthdaughter was born. I know if I'd talked them earlier I could have saved my self some stress in what was an already stressful situation.

My heart really goes out to you about your problems with the father. That's another reason that I encourage you to talk to your parents and work on finding a support group that makes you comfortable.

I also encourage you to find some time to relax somehow, a warm bath maybe? I know that I got really hysterical right after I found out and I couldn't think ... but when I calmed down and focused somewhere else for a bit things didn't seem as bad. I know that may sound like some advice that's easier said than done.

Time is good and you have some. Breathe.

Best Wishes to you! And more Hugs!

[Sweetie]

Anati my heart goes out to you. Alot of us have been in your exact position and I can tell you it does get better, people will find out and deal with it, you can and will achieve your goals whether you decide to parent or not, and you will get through this. Please take the time to let the idea of your new baby settle in then decide where you want to go from there.
I know the desperation you are feeling right now but it pales in comparison with the desperation you could feel if you make the wrong choice. You only know what is right for you and you still have time to decide.
There is help for you whether you decide to parent or place, both are possible, doable, and yours and your decision only. Jenna gave you some great resources to address your current concerns with housing, money, etc. Get out there and get all the help you can get to get on your own and do what you need to do to get through this pregnancy and new chapter in your life. Please do not hesitate to ask questions, ask for help, or just come to vent. We've been there.