[missev]

My story is kind of complicated. I'm 20 years old and found out I was pregnant a month ago. I'm exactly 12 weeks pregnant today. The father of this baby is my boyfriend..was..I don't know, but on paper, he is technically my husband. He is in the Navy and when we got "married", we were best friends and did it so he'd be entitled to living and housing money. A year ago, we ended up together, and I moved in with him which makes everything a lot more complicated. In addition, my parents knew nothing about me moving in with him. They think I live with a group of my girlfriends and am going to school an hour away from where I actually am. They don't know I'm with this guy either. My mother doesn't like him as a friend, and always warned me about his intentions. I never worried because he was my best friend, and he was not "my type" at all. But things change, and things happen. What touched me (and makes me feel so fooled now) is that even though he was not even close to being the perfect guy, I thought he was patient, kind, and would one day make a great father. But I also thought that if I'd ever get pregnant and wasn't ready for a child, I would have an abortion.

Then, a month ago, when I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't. He wanted me to, and we fought and fought over it..which hurt so much, because I thought that was the last thing he would ask me to do. I told him that I would rather put the child up for adoption, because this is a baby..and whether he considered it alive or not, it still had a future, and no one has a right to take that away. We fought soooo much over this, and finally after fighting daily for 2 weeks, he stopped trying to convince me to have an abortion. But, I started thinking about adoption, and if I could really do it...and I thought, if there was ANY way at ALL to raise this child, I am willing to do it. I'm not worried about being up every 2 hours to feed and change the baby. I'm not worried about being tired at school or having to give up every single luxury. This is my baby and my responsibility is to put every ounce of my strength and ability to raise it. We live pretty comfortably right now..actually really comfortably. He recently purchased a dog for $1200 a month ago (not to mention the grown dog eats a can of puppy food mixed with some ridiculous expensive health supplement twice a day), drives a car with a $500 a month payment, we dine out atleast 20 / 30 days of the month, and still make rent in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in this city. I am willing to give up EVERYTHING to raise this baby. And I know it will be the hardest thing to do, but...it's my baby! But the father is worried because this doesn't go with his plan. He wants to finish school, establish his career, be rich, and then have kids. So he refuses to support me, and says that I cannot do this by myself, but he will have nothing to do with it. He is stuck on the idea that he will end up in his words "one of those families at Walmart", and that the child will ask for a new bike one day, and he will have to tell the kid that he can't afford it. So he says that if he can't give 100% of what the kid wants, he won't do anything at all. He says he is not mentally or financially ready for a child and that I am irresponsible and immature for wanting to bring it into this world. The thing is..whether he likes it or not, this baby is coming out, I am NOT having an abortion. We CAN raise this baby together, but he is just absolutely not willing to remove himself from being #1 on his priority list.

I am considering telling my parents, but I feel like this is not their problem, and putting it on their shoulders should be my absolute last option. They will not be supportive and will be hurt, and stressed, and will want me to get an abortion. I've already decided I'm not going to kill an innocent life, so it will be useless fighting that goes back and forth. If the father will not take responsibility, then why do my parents have to suffer for it???

I can't think of anything else to do. I only have two options, adoption and to raise this child. If I place this child for adoption, it will hurt me, but this child will be happy, and my parents won't be hurt. If I keep this baby, the father insists that he will not play a part in raising it, but he will fight for visitation rights. It is detail that can be dealt with later, but it is just so ridiculous! I will not have a child know a man never wanted him in the first place!

Please help, if anyone has any input, insights, advice, personal experience, PLEASE...anything...

[Birth4Mom3]

Well, you are in a tough spot, but that doesn't mean it's impossible.

You've already made one tough decision, so you're making progress! You've chosen to give your baby life and to let him/her live! I applaud you for that!

Now - as far as the boyfriend/husband wanting to have visitation rights if you choose to parent your baby.. why would he want that if he wants nothing to do with the child? Is it out of spite? (He will get them anyway if you divorce unless you can show the court why he shouldn't - whether or not he exercises that right is another thing altogether)

Something he may be thinking of (and he would be right) is that because the two of you are married, he is automatically going to have legal responsibilities whether he likes it or not. If you get a divorce or legal separation, child support WILL be ordered. Period. That could be part of what is making him angry.

Something else to think about is that if you choose adoption, he WILL have to sign relinquishment / TPR in order for the adoption to happen. Especially because he is legally your husband - being your husband, he would "legally" be the childs father in the eyes of the law even if he were not the biological father in most states. That would hold true even if you were to divorce prior to the childs birth. Is he going to be willing to do that?

It's early, and while the months will pass quickly, you do have time to carefully think through all your options and make a good choice - for both you and your baby.

Keep sharing. You'll get lots of good advice here I'm sure, AND it will feel good to let your feelings flow.

Take good care of yourselves and try to keep stress levels to a minimum. (I know, I know) A lot can change in the time before your baby arrives.

[katlyn]

First let me just say that I admire you for standing your ground and holding true to your beliefs. It is easy to say what you will do when not actually faced with that issue at that particular moment, all of us have said or thought we would react a certain way about a situation when in reality we might all do the exact opposite. I feel it is easy for some men to toss the idea of abortion out there when they are not the ones who have to go through with it. I believe that if you set your mind to raise your child you can do it, who knows....when the baby gets here your husband might change his whole demeanor, but if he doesn't he will still have to support the child whether he chooses to parent or not. My younger sister got pregnant and was 27 and single, she is a proud single parent of a wonderful 6 yr old son. You are welcome to pm me or email me anytime, plus there are so many more here to support you and give you whatever advice possible to help get you through. My prayers and best wishes are with you.

[lreuter]

I first want to applaude you for your maturity and the time you have taken to make this decision. Most girls your age would not even have given this much thought. You should be proud of yourself. I am sure that you will make the right decision when the time comes and it will be for the best for you and the child. Remeber, you are the one in control, but as the last person mentioned, he must sign off rights if you proceed with adoption. Hopefully this helps. anytime yiu want to talk, feel free to email and good luck

[lreuter]

I'm new at tjis so if my e mail did not show its lreuter@4seasonsheat.com

[missev]

he is willing to sign the adoption papers. he would rather me place the baby for adoption, just as long as he is not stuck taking care of it. But if he were to agree to be a father, I would not think of adoption ever again. The only factor making me consider it is because I don't have my parents, nor do I have the father willing to be there for both the child and me. I'm not sure if I want a life where I never see my baby because I am working all the time and where I am too tired to be happy.

[missev]

Originally Posted by Birth4Mom3

Well, you are in a tough spot, but that doesn't mean it's impossible.

You've already made one tough decision, so you're making progress! You've chosen to give your baby life and to let him/her live! I applaud you for that!

Now - as far as the boyfriend/husband wanting to have visitation rights if you choose to parent your baby.. why would he want that if he wants nothing to do with the child? Is it out of spite? (He will get them anyway if you divorce unless you can show the court why he shouldn't - whether or not he exercises that right is another thing altogether)

Something he may be thinking of (and he would be right) is that because the two of you are married, he is automatically going to have legal responsibilities whether he likes it or not. If you get a divorce or legal separation, child support WILL be ordered. Period. That could be part of what is making him angry.

Something else to think about is that if you choose adoption, he WILL have to sign relinquishment / TPR in order for the adoption to happen. Especially because he is legally your husband - being your husband, he would "legally" be the childs father in the eyes of the law even if he were not the biological father in most states. That would hold true even if you were to divorce prior to the childs birth. Is he going to be willing to do that?

It's early, and while the months will pass quickly, you do have time to carefully think through all your options and make a good choice - for both you and your baby.

Keep sharing. You'll get lots of good advice here I'm sure, AND it will feel good to let your feelings flow.

Take good care of yourselves and try to keep stress levels to a minimum. (I know, I know) A lot can change in the time before your baby arrives.

i really don't know why he would say he would hold visitation rights even if he wants nothing to do with raising the child. you're right--probably just to spite me.

the main thing is..i just keep hoping that he will one day realize that he created a baby and that he will love it because of that. has anybody experienced a guy who changed for the better? or do they never change and am i just wasting my time hoping and waiting?

[HappyTwinsMom]

If I might make a suggestion? Tell your parents. They may be a whole lot more supportive than you expect. If you want to raise this baby, you can do it! There are a lot of services out there for single moms (if your boyfriend/husband doesn't want to stay together) and as the father, he will be required to pay child support.

Best of luck to you!

[JocelynC]

I know you don't want to, but please tell your parents!

They might be able to help you get into a position where you can raise this baby on your own.

[BrandyHagz]

missev,

Sadly, from time to time, we get members who can't follow our rules. If you get a PM from someoen asking you to view their website, consider their family or gives you a phone number to call in relation to all of this - PLEASE forward it to me or one of our moderators.

This violates our forum rules!

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by missev

So he refuses to support me, and says that I cannot do this by myself, but he will have nothing to do with it.

He has no choice in this matter. If you decide to parent he may distance himself emotionally, but he will have to financially support this child whether he likes it or not.

Originally Posted by missev

If the father will not take responsibility, then why do my parents have to suffer for it???

Because your baby is their grandchild, and family is family. What are his parents like? My 21 year-old neice got pregnant last year. My sister was all over the map in her reactions. One year later and Rayna is 6 months old and you would think the kid walks on water the way my sister talks about her.

Originally Posted by missev

I can't think of anything else to do. I only have two options, adoption and to raise this child. If I place this child for adoption, it will hurt me, but this child will be happy, and my parents won't be hurt. If I keep this baby, the father insists that he will not play a part in raising it, but he will fight for visitation rights.

Don't count on your parents not being hurt if you place. You are connected and not only will they be dealing with the loss of their grandchild, they will be also feeling your pain as well.

It sounds to me like you really want to be a parent. Take your boyfriend/husband and your parents out of the equation for a moment. What do you want for you and your baby?

[vicrose]

As a parent, it would kill me to know that my daughter couldn't feel as if she could come to me in time of need....but, I can relate to your situation....because as a young woman...I was 23..with an abusive husband, and my own adoptive parents were really no help at all.
You sound as if you do really care about the baby...so I agree that you need to take the father of the baby and your parents out of the equation, and think what's best for you and the baby. If you want to parent this baby, it is possible to do so as a single parent....don't listen to the father of the baby when he says he won't emotionally or financially support this baby....if he's in the Navy...he has no choice but to financially support this baby...sit down with a friend if you have one close by, and talk about what you want for this baby....I eventually left my abusive husband, that was 14 years ago...and my kids and I are in a great place in our lives now.....when your going through hard times...sometimes we don't think that things will and do get better in the future....but stay strong and hold on to your beliefs...and things will work out....I'm sending an e-hug to you right now!! Hugs, Brenda

[BrandyHagz]

but he will have to financially support this child whether he likes it or not.

I see this argument made a lot – I just want to emphasize one thing in regards to the above statement – DO NOT rely on child support or financial support of any kind from a biological father. If you are relying on that money to make it – you need to make sure you have other fail safes in place when it doesn’t come through. While many men do honor their financial obligation to a child and pay their support on time every month – there are also many who do not and avoid doing so successfully.

I was a single mother for five years – my son is now almost twelve. Shortly after his birth, paternity was established and support was ordered…he's paid two payments.

If I relied on monthly support payments to make it – I’d be out of luck.

This is not an argument to place – just a taste of reality – the reality of many single moms’s is that they never get a single child support payment.

[JocelynC]

I agree with this. My best friiend is a single mother. It took her like a YEAR to get her daughter's dad to pay support, and when he did, it only ended up being $40 a month. If she had to depend on that to meet her daughter's needs, they'd starve.

[missev]

I hear all of you and am so thankful that I have people who understand. But I guess I am hurt and a part me is really trying to understand how and why he could feel so apathetic when this baby is part of him. I could probably do this on my own, but it would be such a better story if only the father would be more human. Everyday I just hope and hope that someone would say the exact right thing to him, or something would happen to knock some sense into him, or he would have a dream..and that he will just REALIZE that he is making everyone else's life harder by being so selfish and heartless...and ..it's not like his life would be that great either.

He told his dad about this and his dad only said that he once had to take a girlfriend to get an abortion too, so he would suggest that I got one, but at the end it was my choice because it's my body. For those of you with grown children, if your son was acting like this, wouldn't you tell him to step up and be responsible?? I'm debating on whether to call his dad and explain my side of the story since he hasn't heard anything from me yet.

A part of me even wonders if what he's thinking makes SOME sense. He thinks it's stupid and immature for bringing a life into this world when I'm not prepared for it and that I will somehow screw this kid up by not being rich enough, old enough, and mature enough. I see what he is saying, but the thing is, I'm ALREADY having this baby. It's not like I'm telling him I WANT to get pregnant--I already am! So his response is that I should place the baby for adoption then. But it will KILL ME...and he says that I am being selfish. Am I? It is true that the reason I want this baby is because I love it and I don't want to part with it. The baby will be happy whether it is with me or with someone else...

I am so confused... = (