[lreuter]

Remember the saying "it doesnt matter how much money you have, the kind of car you drove or the amount of money in your bank account, it matters that you made a difference in the life of a child!! Keep telling yourself that.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Hon.. it doesnt sound like you even want to entertain the thought of placing for adoption. So perhaps you should take the next six months and get a plan together.

First.. my daughter's dad is military.. believe those who said that the military will make sure it is paid. Period. If not you can call his CO and he would be in a world of trouble... but it would be garnished --AND he would get part of his pay made up with the dependant bonus and the child would have full medical benefits.

Second.. I think for a lot of men, the reality of it doesnt truly hit home until they hold and meet their baby. He may not "get it" until that point. Will he throw you out or something?? Oh -- and last I checked WalMart DOES carry bikes.. and they have layaway. Scoff at his materialism.

Third.. come clean with your parents... like others have said, if you place this baby -- especially if you dont want to -- it is their loss, too. While they dont have a legal say..you are their daughter and if you need them, then maybe they deserve the chance to be there for you.

It is very early to get worked up about him not being accepting. Wait till he hears the heartbeat.. or feels a kick.. there is still so much time to go. Maybe once he gets used to the idea it will all work out.

((HUG)) and Congratulations on your bundle of joy (even if your honey is being a bum! )

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by missev

But it will KILL ME...and he says that I am being selfish. Am I? It is true that the reason I want this baby is because I love it and I don't want to part with it. The baby will be happy whether it is with me or with someone else...

I am so confused... = (

What he is doing is called projection... he is trying to make it seem that his feelings are yours. You are not selfish for wanting to parent. You already are parenting in the way you are taking care of yourself while pregnant. Do not let him force you into a decision you will regret the rest of your life based on his feelings.

[tyiakoum]

Sweet and loving girl that you are...

I read your post and it sounds like you have an incredibly generous heart and spirit to help your sweetheart get benefits.

I know right now things seem tough, like you can't speak to your parents about this. Just remember, they were young once also. And they will rise above this and help you make a better decision. In your heart, I think you want to reach out to them. Eventually you would probably find it really hard not to reach out to them.

You will most likely be surprised that they will give you support. If they don't, it might help make your decision easier. You worry about disappointing your parents... it sounds to me like you are a thoughtful, good-hearted person and just remember everyone makes mistakes. Initially they might be upset but overall you might find that they will be your biggest supporters.

You will be in my prayers... sending you huge hugs of support,

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by tyiakoum

You will most likely be surprised that they will give you support. If they don't, it might help make your decision easier. You worry about disappointing your parents... it sounds to me like you are a thoughtful, good-hearted person and just remember everyone makes mistakes. Initially they might be upset but overall you might find that they will be your biggest supporters.

Dear Misseve,

I agree wholeheartedly with the poster above. My daughter has a 15 month old son and both of them live with her dad and me. She was terrifed to tell us that she was pregnant. In fact, she never did - I had to pry it out of her. When we finally found out (she was 4 months), we were upset and stunned, literally numb for a few days. But from the first moment that we knew, we hugged her, cried with her, and reassured her that we loved her.

At first, she was thinking about adoption because she thought that was what we wanted, and we were going along with her adoption plan because we thought that is what she wanted. Finally, after crying all night about losing my grandbaby, I asked her "Is adoption what you really want?" She said she wasn't sure. We decided to plan for her to parent and to discuss adoption after the baby's birth.

I was there when my grandson was born. We all fell in love with him immediately. My daughter is an incredible mom. She and I are very close now and have a very unique relationship. Yes, we have some very hard days. She works part time, goes to college part time, and her dad and I have very demanding careers. So it takes all of us giving 100%. But we are sssooo happy. I would have been heartbroken if my daughter never told us and placed her baby. We would have felt very cheated to not be given the chance to even meet our grandson.

BTW - My grandson's father has disappeared. She loved him and had to get over a broken heart at the same time that she was taking care of an infant. But she met a wonderful man when the baby was a few months old. They have fallen in love, are planning to be married and he wants to adopt her son. I read in a post here - "Life is what happens when you are making other plans." So true.

I will be thinking about you.

Happy G'Ma

[missev]

Originally Posted by numbr1dbcksfan

First.. my daughter's dad is military.. believe those who said that the military will make sure it is paid. Period. If not you can call his CO and he would be in a world of trouble... but it would be garnished --AND he would get part of his pay made up with the dependant bonus and the child would have full medical benefits.

I considered that this baby would be somewhat taken care of because of the father being in the military. I even tried to find the phone numbers but couldn't. Would you happen to know how I would get the phone numbers of his superiors to have just incase the worst happens?

I guess he is thinking that I won't get medical coverage if we get divorced right now, so he is planning on doing that after I have the baby? But I'm sure the government wouldn't leave me hanging...right? And I've heard that the Navy is very family-oriented so that a wife, or a "wife" can call with any complaint that their husband isn't treating them right and that would cause some trouble. I feel like he has the upperhand right now because I need him so much. If only I knew more...

and as for how guys react, I thought that was the case when I first found out and he was so cold about it. So when I went in for my first ultrasound and heard the heartbeat and everything, I made him go, and PRAYED that he would change...but he didn't. So now I'm wondering what it's going to take...for me to start showing? for the first kick? for a BETTER ultrasound?...because I can't wait forever, I need to know what's it going to be so I know what to do.

[missev]

I pictured how my parents would react if I told them. I think mainly, my mom would break down and be so hurt because she has all these hopes and dreams for me, and this would ruin all of them. She dreams of me graduating college, going to grad school, marrying a well educated guy who "respects me because of my virginity", and then having children who can attend the best private schools and all become doctors one day. I know that one day, I will still do what I need to do, even if it doesn't measure up to what she wants for me...but she will think that ALL is lost. Also, I know that she will cry because she is hurting with me and will know how I feel because I know that she had an abortion before I was born. But ultimately, I know she will still want me to get an abortion because in her mind, that would be the only choice that would leave me with a slim chance of reaching her expectations for me...which she is SURE will make me happy once I am there. Then, she will be angry at me because "this happened because I never listen to her" and ashamed of what my other relatives will think. And I'm doubting that she will support me keeping and raising this baby, especially if the father isn't going to be there. She might even hide me for a few months and then want me to place the baby for adoption. If the father were supportive, it might be different. If I were to tell her I am going to do it by myself if I have to, she might either never speak to me again, or else be cornered into helping me...but if it were the first--I don't know if I truly can do it myself, or if I want that life for my child, where he/she will wonder why his mother is always working and tired while his father is never around.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Hey chicka -- Im a single mom and am feircly close with my daughter! All this worry.. just remember though that in 5 years your child will be in school and it wont seem like mom is working all the time.

Dont let people shame you into not parenting your child because you might have to *gasp* work!

When (if) you divorce, the judge will enter the child support order, then you just need to call DEERS to get it set up.

[BrandyHagz]

I considered that this baby would be somewhat taken care of because of the father being in the military.

He's in the military now...what happens when its time to re-up and he doesn't...while its really great to have that sure fire assistance there because of the military...you need to also think long term and make sure you have other plans in place should this happen.

Also, you live in a military town - talk to the single mom's there and make sure what Christine posted is the norm at your installation...I know it wasn't a Camp Lejeune and planning ways to scheme out of paying support was always a hot topic among the Marines...

Again, I’m not promoting one decision or the other – only offering a realistic view. If you are planning to raise a child as a single parent, be fully prepared to do it totally on your own…I wish someone had shared that with me when I was pregnant with my son…but I put to much stock in child support and in the end it mad things very difficult (because I hadn’t planned correctly)

[happygmom]

Dear missev,

We had the same hopes and dreams for her that your parents have for you. But her pregnancy made us put all of that aside because it became irrelevant.

My daughter thought all of the same things about her dad and me that you are thinking about your mom. Don't get me wrong - it was very, very hard news for us to hear. And for a few days relationships were very strained and some angry words did slip out. But once we all started pulling together in the same direction and working on one issue at a time, things just sort of worked out. We started to get excited about becoming grandparents.

We were mostly upset for her because we knew that keeping her son would make her life much harder than she we (she) planned. My friends who were by far the most encouraging are single parents. BTW - none of them are on welfare, all have good jobs, in fact, most have outstanding careeers. None of them live in substandard housing, most own very nice homes. Their children are very happy and healthy and get plenty of time with their parents. It is a myth that single parents are "losers" and that their children have miserable lives.

I suggest that you talk to a counselor not associated with an adoption agency to explore your feelings about being a parent apart from what your husband wants or how your family will react.

Big hugs!! I know it's so hard for you now.

Happy G'Ma

[djp03]

Originally Posted by missev

If I place this child for adoption, it will hurt me, but this child will be happy, and my parents won't be hurt. If I keep this baby, the father insists that he will not play a part in raising it, but he will fight for visitation rights. It is detail that can be dealt with later, but it is just so ridiculous! I will not have a child know a man never wanted him in the first place!

I'm praying and hoping that you have the courage to seek first the welfare of your child even though you may experience pain in pursuing it. I think counseling would be a good first step, along with telling your parents.

M

[tyiakoum]

missey,

Honey, your parents of course have these hopes and dreams... these are the dreams that *most* parents have for their children... however.

There is nothing written in stone that says you can't go to college w/a baby. There is nothing written in stone that says you can't find "the one" because you have a baby by someone else.

Picture in your mind, your mom being devastated momentarily. Processing the information you've just given her. Then, considering *all options*. Not just abortion. If you have it in your mind that this baby is what you want... and you have the supports in place... I'm sure your mom will be open minded and consider all options.

There is no hard and fast rule in life that we can't take sidesteps to our goals and dreams for education, career, and LOVE.

I thought I'd be married at 18 like most of my friends, and like my mom was. I married at 30!

I didn't even start college until I was like 25 years old. And I finished college (two masters degrees) when I was like 35 years old!!!! And in all that time, I worked, so my company paid for my education (or else I would not have been able to afford it).

I lost twin girls when I was 21. I thought he was *the one*. I am sad about losing the twins, becuase I can no longer have twins due to their loss, however, I am glad that the man who I thought was *the one* did not turn out to be him. My DH is *the one*! And it took years to find him, and he knew I lost twins and could not have kids... and he still loves me!

I really want you to try hard to think outside the box you are putting yourself in, honey. Because you are closing this wall of pain around you and thinking up scenarios that totally might not happen.

Look at what happened to me, just as an example. I am certain every poster here has the same story. Their family had dreams for them... John Lennon said in a song "life happens when you are busy making other plans". It is so true! Life happens.

Here is what you might want to consider doing. Go to a local agency and ask for their birthmom counselor. Not an abortion clinic. An agency that helps moms figure out their options. They will be able to help you figure out the medical and all kinds of stuff and help you. You don't have to give up the baby for adoption to get help. They have birthmom counselors. They can even help work w/your parents all together to figure out what is best for you.

Or, alternatively, mentally think instead of how you are letting your mom down... that you have been given a detour in life *that was meant to be*. We don't know what that happened. But it did. And you gather your strength, and talk to mom... and know that overall, she is going to stick by her beloved daughter *you*, and help you work through this.

Please don't try to go through this alone. Whether you turn to mom, or turn to some kind of agency who has birthmom counselors that can give you direction... that is a step that you need to take forward towards when you are ready.

Our prayers are with you, and you are so brave. Know that whatever decision you make, those dreams you have for yourself will never go away... and will become a reality. A small detour is happening, but that's ok. Life is all about the detours!

please keep us informed of how you are doing. we do really care. i don't normally read the birthmom side of these boards,,, i came over here by mistake and it was so good i did... if i can help you work through this in your mind and help you find peace i will be so happy!

[tyiakoum]

[quote=tyiakoum]missey,


I lost twin girls when I was 21. I thought he was *the one*. I am sad about losing the twins, becuase I can no longer have twins due to their loss,

Oops, I meant here I cannot have kids, not, twins! Sorry.


Or, alternatively, mentally think instead of how you are letting your mom down... that you have been given a detour in life *that was meant to be*. We don't know what that happened. But it did.

Here I meant (sorry, I should have previewed this before posting), instead that you are *not* letting your mom down. And that We don't know why that happened but it did.

Sorry! Tammi

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by tyiakoum

Here is what you might want to consider doing. Go to a local agency and ask for their birthmom counselor. Not an abortion clinic. An agency that helps moms figure out their options. They will be able to help you figure out the medical and all kinds of stuff and help you. You don't have to give up the baby for adoption to get help. They have birthmom counselors. They can even help work w/your parents all together to figure out what is best for you.

Dear missev,

tyiakoum has given you some great advice and insights, especially about counseling. However, be very wary of going to an agency for advice. Especially an agency that automatically labels you as a birthmother before you decide to relinquish your child for adoption. I know from my daughter's experience that calling a woman a birthmother before she even explores her parenting option is a BIG warning sign that the agency will not give you unbiased counseling and will push adoption.

Instead, I suggest that you use your military health care to get a counseler not associated with adoption.

Big hugs - I hope that you are working things through.

Happy G'Ma

[tyiakoum]

oops, please forgive. i don't know the terminology yet on these boards. i just started reading them the other day and posting for the first time a few days ago.

posting is scary. i don't want to offend. but i do have life experience and wisdom to share so, if anyone has been offended by my last post I am sorry and will be more aware....

she has mentioned adoption so in that context, the counseling is called that sometimes. or, pre-birth counseling. i totally agree w/you happy g'ma about going to the military health care.

missev, would the military docs refer you to a counselor?