[keegansmum05]

hi there everybody.i am an 18 year old who is about 22 weeks pregnant.i am looking at adopting this child as i already have a 9 month old baby boy.id like to talk to other birth mothers and adoptive mothers to get a view from each side.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Hi there and welcome.

What kind of advice are you seeking? We have quite a few firstmoms here who have placed a second (third, etc) born so they may be able to help with specific questions regarding those issues as well. What is leading you to think of placement?

A gentle reminder to all who post and read this thread: solicitation from either potential adoptive families or expectant parents is not permitted. If you receive a PM with a solicitation, let a moderator know ASAP. It is grounds for banning.

[mylovebug]

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that if you need to talk I would love to answer any questions that you might have that I would be able to help out with.I had my first child at 16, my second at17, and since then I have also adopted a baby. However I have a few friends that have placed children up for adoption and we have all sat down and discussed everything we could think of on all the different options and situations, for the good and the bad. I have also got a friend that was going to give her baby up and chose not to at the hospital. Just a few different situations that I have been involved with one way or another and if I could help answer any questions or atleast be here to listen to you when you need it just let me know.But I would suggest doing research for all of your options during the pregnancy and wait until you have the baby to make your mind up one way or another, so that you don't get even more overwhelmed and confused at the hospital or during labor thinking that you have already made your mind up but your heart is tellikg you to do something else. Just remember it is your baby and your choice. I hope the best for you and your little family.

[munchkinwoman]

Good luck to you in whatever you decide. Just dont let anyone talk you into anything you dont want to do. Just make up your own mind and get counseling from an unbiased counselor that doesnt gain anything if you place.

[HOPEFULINPA]

Hi! I'm an adoptive mom and it has changed my life completely. If not for adoption I would have never become a mother.

What would you like to know?

[kelceesmom]

I am an adoptive mom. The gift we received was being able to complete our family. You really need to view all your options. Adoption is not always the answer. Find unbiased counseling. If you decide to parent wonderful and if not also wonderful because you completing someone else's family. Hopefully you have a great support group throughout this whole process too.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by kelceesmom

I am an adoptive mom. The gift we received was being able to complete our family. You really need to view all your options. Adoption is not always the answer. Find unbiased counseling. If you decide to parent wonderful and if not also wonderful because you completing someone else's family.

Keegansmum,

While there is no doubt that adoptive parents benefit in adoption as this is what makes them parents, it should not be a factor in any decision you make for your child. You are a parent, trying to figure out what is best for you and your children. Your decision needs to be based on this alone. The bottom line is that for most birthparents and for many adopted people adoption is not all "Wonderful". There are enormous losses to both birthparents and adoptees. May I suggest a great book to read about this? The Family of Adoption by Dr. Joyce Maguire Pavao is excellent. There is also a section on adoptive parents.

While there is little doubt that adoption helps adoptive parents create families, that is not the true focus of adoption. The true focus of adoption is finding families for children who need them. What you, as a parent, need to decide is whether or not your baby needs a family or whether you and your family can provide your child with what you believe he/she needs. You also need to consider the needs of your older child. He will also experience the loss of his sibling. Again, every deals with these losses in different ways. Please do not think that just because he is young the loss will not effect him.

As for myself, I am a birthmom in a fully open adoption. I was one of the first in the new wave of them. My son is 22 years old. I still deal with loss, although not in the overwhelming way I did in the first years after he was placed. I have good relationships with him and his whole adoptive family. It was a good decision for me and my son but it was not without tremendous loss to both of us. My two children that I am parenting have also dealt with these losses. It is hard to see your children struggle based on a decision you have made.

I would love to talk to you more if you like. PM me if you like.

[Hopeful Mother]

I've sent you an email...I hope it helps...please respond if you feel the need.

Belinda

[geogdeb]

I don't think there is an easy answer to your problem, however consider this... look at your son... you will love this next child as much as you love him. Don't think that giving the baby up at birth will change that. It will be hard and will affect you the rest of your life. And it may affect your child in ways you cannot understand. Adoption is so hard. I am a birthmother from the late 1970's. Hopefully things are different now, but I received very little counseling and what I did receive was aimed at convincing me to place my child. I suffered years of self-esteem problems and heartache, wondering where my son was and how he was doing. I am a very succesful individual, as a wife, parent and in my career -- but it didn't stop me from thinking how horrible I was for giving away my child.

My advice is to get counseling. Make sure that the whatever situation you choose is best for you, your son, and especially your unborn child. I will not say that adoption is not good and appropriate in some situations, but be careful! If you do choose adoption, make sure it is an open adoption.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

Keegansmum,


While there is little doubt that adoption helps adoptive parents create families, that is not the true focus of adoption. The true focus of adoption is finding families for children who need them. What you, as a parent, need to decide is whether or not your baby needs a family or whether you and your family can provide your child with what you believe he/she needs. You also need to consider the needs of your older child. He will also experience the loss of his sibling. Again, every deals with these losses in different ways. Please do not think that just because he is young the loss will not effect him.

I agree with this 100%. It is easy for adoptive moms (and I am one) to focus on the "gift" we feel we have received. However, adoption is about what is best for the child.

I hope you will find a good counselor who will not push you in either direction and make sure of your choice.

[SchmennaLeigh]

There are no adoptive mothers who know the pain of a lifemother.

Actually, there are. And vice versa.

[Joanne0911]

That's a toughie. Speaking as an adoptive mom I can say that my son is the most wonderful thing that ever happend to us. We lost four babies and I thought I'd never be a mom. I always say that adoption is such a beautiful thing. However, I'm only speaking from one point of view. I admire your eagerness to get different points of view before making your decision.

Joanne

[Foundoutat50]

Originally Posted by keegansmum05

hi there everybody.i am an 18 year old who is about 22 weeks pregnant.i am looking at adopting this child as i already have a 9 month old baby boy.id like to talk to other birth mothers and adoptive mothers to get a view from each side.

Hi
I'm an adoptee and an adoptive mom. From my own experience, adoption is a wonderful thing. I grew up with two parents who loved me, encouraged me, guided me, and did all the stuff parents ought to do. My husband and I adopted our daughter (now all grown up) and I couldn't love her more if I had given birth to her.
Best wishes, whatever your decision.

[Daisha]

I am an adoptive mom in a fully open adoption!! Although I could never fully understand, I have seen some of the grief that our son's birthmom has gone through. To this day, she tells me that she knows she made the best decision for herself and her baby, but it is not easy.

I think the reason she has done so well is our openness and the fact that she grieved through her whole pregnancy. She knew what she was going to do and tried to prepare herself for it.

MOST IMPORTANT...she got A LOT of counseling and support from counselors and other birth mom's!!

Do your research and don't jump into anything!! We love our son SO much and we couldn't imagine life without him OR his birth family!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by Daisha

I think the reason she has done so well is our openness and the fact that she grieved through her whole pregnancy. She knew what she was going to do and tried to prepare herself for it.

I don't find this to be good advice. If she had decided to parent, she then might have been left with feelings of guilt due to separating, emotionally, from the child during the pregnancy. I find it vastly important for expectant Mothers considering adoption to treat their pregnancies (and to have others treat their pregancies) as normal as possible. Do a pregnancy journal. Make memories. Quilt something, if that's your bag. Etc. You have a lifetime to grieve. Make the most of the time you have with the child.

But Amen on the counseling.