[Scared22]

Ok I have put myself in a very horrible situation. First of all, I have been seeing a married man for the past year and I now have found out that I am pregnant. I have already discussed this with him but he doesn not know that it has been confirmed by the doctor. For obvious reasons he is very much against me having this child and says he will go with me on all doctor's visits to abort the pregnancy. However, I am not sure that this is what I want to do. I am financially sound and emotionally stable but I feel like I might be harming my child emotionally by the situation I am in with the father. I have contemplated several options but really am at a lose and don't know what to do and what is best to do.

[Poleczech]

If there were no baby in the picture right now, would you stay with this man? Now, how do you really feel about this baby? And is having one worth giving up the other for? I think you need to examine your feelings about each before you can decide.

Now, let me just say that if YOU do not want an abortion, please don't let him force you into it. IMO, you will regret it later on. Not just because you aborted a baby that you may have been able to parent, but also because you let someone force you into doing something against your will.

If you chose not to abort, then if I am reading your post correctly, you basically have two choices left: parent the baby you are carrying and most likely give up a relationship with a married man, or think about an adoption plan for your baby so that you can possibly stay with this man, who may still leave you anyway because there is still a child of his out in the world that he doesn't want his wife to find out about.

Ultmately, you need to decide what is best for the baby first and foremost, and what is best for you.

Best wishes

[jaenelle]

Please don't have an abortion.


You did a good thing by coming to this forum -- there are lots of people here who can help you. You should talk to people who have placed their children for adoption and also to people who have adopted to get different viewpoints.

Whatever you decide, God bless you.

[Montraviatommyg]

Scared22,

Having an abortion just because this man wants you to would be the worst possible reason for having one. You have three options and make sure you choose the right one for you...nobody else. The first is abortion which which I get the impression you really don't want to do so don't. The second is to parent and reading between the lines you do want. The third is adoption.

From what you have posted you really do want to parent but your concern is your relationship with this man. Your baby is far more important than this man so if I was in your position and wanted to parent I would do so. This man would then have the choice of supporting you and your child or keeping away and not pressurize you.

If however you do decide adoption is the better plan make sure you research and get good, unbiased support. At the end of the day you and your unborn child are far more important than this man so whilst he has a right to to his opinions and feelings he shouldn't be allowed to force you to do something you don't want to do. Most importantly take care of yourself, keep asking questions and asking for support from here as we will give it to you.

Pip

[AwaitingBeloved]

Scared, I agree with the other posters. Don't have an abortion just to appease this man. Chances are, even if you do have one, it will have been such a scare that he'll leave you after this is "fixed" anyway.

His problems are his, not yours.

Do what you feel in your heart you want to do. Don't make this decision for anyone else. Make it for you and for your child. If you feel in your heart one choice is right, that's what you should do.

Take the time to really imagine this playing out. And picture how you want it to play out.

Good luck.

And, um, congratulations. ;-)

[athena09]

I also agree with everyone else. A "friend" of mine was just PG with her 2nd child, she can't handle the one she has and probably shouldn't be a parent in the 1st place. Well, she kept saying she wanted to miscarry, she was a high risk case, she did miscarry and then was devastated. You need to examine your feelings deep within you. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose, but please don't choose abortion, the child didn't do anything wrong to have this happen.

Best of luck and Congrats!!

[MommyBear]

I'm so sorry you're in this place.

You have received wonderful advice. I agree that it sounds like you want to parent your baby - and that its something you could handle. If that's what you want, get some emotional support from friends or family and DO IT. Get away from this man - he's not good for you.

If you decide you can't parent, DON'T ABORT. Pregnancy is just nine months out of your life - you can give that up to nourish that life inside of you and provide them with a healthy and happy adoptive home.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

You absolutely should not abort because it is something that someone else wants you to do. Period.

So.. he will go with you to all the Dr. Appt to abort the pregnancy... but will he go with the the Dr. Appt if you dont?? There is the measure of your man. If he wont, well you may just be better off without him anyway, whether you keep the baby or not.

So you have been seeing him for a year.. I mean.. what kind of a marriage does he have anyway for that to go un-noticed? You really shouldnt let that play into your decision (if it is), looks like his bill came due.

[kakuehl]

You wrote, I am financially sound and emotionally stable but I feel like I might be harming my child emotionally by the situation I am in with the father. You have some time to figure out what that situation is (will you stay with him, will he stay with you?) The fact is that you refer to the baby as "My child." That says to me that an abortion could/would have some devasting effects on your life. Many women have thought they could have an abortion and there would be no more problem. They weren't prepared for the emotional maelstrom that followed. Know as well, that there are no guarantees that you will ever be able to become preganant again, even when you feel the timing is right. (This by the way, was one of the arguments my mother used against adoption. And, of course what she said was true, although my other 2 children show it was not in my the case.)

For me and my son, adoption was the right answer. I'm still convinced of that after 33 years. It may not be the right answer for you. (just a thought -- baby or married man -- relationship with the baby is a surer thing!)

I will hold you in my prayers,
Kathy

[Scared22]

Everyone is right. I absolutely want to keep the child and have no intentions of putting him/her up for adoption. He still seems to think the abortion is the way to go but I already had a miscarriage earlier this year and was heartbroken. I can't give up this child. About the married man, I really don't expect anything from him. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me or do anything. If he wants nothing to do with the child I am prepared to tackle that feat and raise the child on my own. I know that my family and friends would be there to support me. But honestly I might sound like I have everything figured out when I am really shaking inside. Scared of raising a child, not knowing what to do, scared that my family will reject me, my child, or both of us for my relationship with the child's father. There's so many things that I just don't know how I will handle and because I am somewhat embarrased and afraid to talk to people about the relationship and pregnancy I have been keeping everything to myself which seems to be horrible because it is eating me up inside.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Scared, I think all of your concerns are normal.. even for people who planned pregnancies. Yours are compounded a little bit, sure, having had a relationship with the person you did. BUT, it sounds like you have a strong family connection, and that's more than what many people have.

And your family, just from the warmth of your post it's clear how much you care for them, they will be there for you. Maybe someone will say something stupid to you at first, but it will settle in, and I bet long before your baby is born they will all be completely supportive. If they are not, they will be soon after they see that little baby. ;-)

We tried to become parents for four years.. and it finally happened 8 weeks ago. AND, we were afraid of all the same things. Scared that we wouldn't know what to do, wouldn't be able to (or that the child wouldn't like us), scared that our relatives would look down on us or DD, and our relationship with her bparents. When we got home with her, we were SCARED TO DEATH to be alone with her! But we did it, and are doing it, and it's so not scary anymore. Yeah, I worry about her getting a bad cold... she's so little and doesn't really know how to cough or anything. But, we'd deal with it.

And our fears were all baseless. Normal, but baseless. Our families have embraced her as warmly as they have every other child born into our families. The one thing we are still working on is some relatives just don't GET adoption, let alone open adoption, but we were prepared for these minor growing pains with them.

[Montraviatommyg]

Scared, hugs to you and keep coming here for support as we will keep supporting. I found my son in Aug 2004, he had found my family years ago, long story why they didn't tell him where I was or tell me he had contact with him. My parents still wont discuss him with me so for different I can empathise how badly family can behave. So many have also suffered because of their parents/families for different reasons so you ARE in a safe haven here. You are courageous so everytime you think you're not remind yourself how far you have come already.

Pip

[teaspoon]

Scared,
Good for you to not let him pressure you into an abortion if that's not what's right for you.

I know how it feels to be afraid to tell family and friends...I was terrified to tell my parents that I was pregnant and had made an adoption plan. I knew they were going to react badly (they did). I hoped they would eventually get past it and accept my choice (they have). Some of your family and friends may be negative at first, but I bet some of them will surprise you with their concern and understanding.

Seeing a counselor to help you sort through your feelings could be helpful. Best of luck to you, Scared.

*hugs*

[MommyBear]

Don't worry - NO one EVER has it all figured out. There is no shame in being confused and scared.

Congratulations! It sounds like you are on the way to becoming a mommy! No, its not going to be easy - and yes, it wil l take some effort on your part to straighten things out in your life.

But you will NEVER EVER regret doing these things to make a better life for you and your child!

[happygmom]

Scared,

My daughter was pregnant last year and the dad took off after she told him no abortion. She was NOT financially secure but eventually decided that she wanted to raise her son so she asked me and her dad for help. She moved back home with us to finish college. She is a wonderful mom and this little guy (almost a year old!!) is everything to us.

My daughter was terrified to tell me and her dad. We helped her tell our family. We actually made a list and divided up the names!

It has been a hard year and a half and there are still issues to resolve with the dad - but no regrets, not one.

Hugs,

Happy G'Ma