[onceisenough11]

I am a new member here and just recently found out I was pregnant. I am considering adopting, although am not totally sure yet. I have a question for birth moms who put their children up for adoption: Do any of you struggle with the guilt of adopting a baby out and then later in life parenting one? I just feel that if I give this child up for adoption, that somehow I am not "entitled" to have or raise any more. I do really want children, but this point in my life is not the best and I was caught totally off guard. Can you ever have a family life after adoption without the overwhelming pain? Please help.~ Thanks.

[jpe]

I have never been in your situation but I must say this. Read the boards here where all these loving people are dying for the opportunity to adopt a baby. They would LOVE you forever for giving them the opportunity to parent. If you're not in the right situation to parent, and the timing is bad, I personally feel like I'd be at ease just knowing I am giving my child to a family that is fully ready and eager to support and raise a baby. I'm sure it's much easier said than done but I would feel happiness knowing I did the right thing rather than guilt. You need to think long and hard though -- maybe talk to a psychologist and talk with an agency get advice/couseling. In my mind the most important question would be "can another family provide and support your baby better than you can"?

I wish you the best of luck in your decision. Babies are a beautiful thing and I think it's wonderful whenever anyone creates a baby, whether they give it up or not.

[Mommy24]

HI, I am a Bmom to a 15 yr old and a mommy to 4 other great kids!! Yes I can say that I had some guilt when I had my 2nd child after having placed my first 2 yrs prior, however I wouldnt trade being a mom for anything in the world Adoption is the single most hardest thing I have ever been through and I can honestly say now after 15 yrs of pain, I would never have done it had I known then what I know now. There is alot to be said about hindsight though....I wish I had known about places like these forums, I wish one person would have said "you can do it" I wish I could have realized how much it would hurt to not have my bson in my life! Unfortunately I was young and didnt have any support, yes I knew there was help out there but no one would help me find it. I am not anti-adoption in any way but I believe that anyone thinking of placing should really educate themselves before even considering it. I remember how the agency tried to make me believe I could have a semi open adoption meaning I would get pics and letters and always know how my bson was, that did happen for the first 7 yrs and then for whatever reason the aparents decided to cut all contact. It has been almost 9 yrs since I last heard from them and not a day goes by that I dont wander how they all are doing.
Now in answer to your question (sorry I got sidetracked) yes I do believe you can have a happy family life after placing, but it isnt always easy. For awhile after my 2nd son was born everything he did reminded me of what I missed with my first, I finally had to come to the realization that spending all that energy on thinking about what I had missed with my bson was causing me to miss what my child right in front of me was doing.

I am rambling now, but please please remember this is a lifetime decision, seek out all of your options feel free to PM me if you need to talk. I have been right where you are, I remember it like it was yesterday!

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by jpe

I have never been in your situation but I must say this. Read the boards here where all these loving people are dying for the opportunity to adopt a baby. They would LOVE you forever for giving them the opportunity to parent.

Please do not do this. Yes, there are a lot of people out there who would love to adopt your baby, but it is not up to you to provide them a child. It is up to you to provide for your child in the way you see as best. Too often expectant parents start looking at profiles and compare themselves. Do not do this, I beg you.

Look deep inside yourself and ask yourself what you think a child needs to love and grow. Look deep and ask yourself if you can provide that. Children need very little. You may find, with a bit of help, you can be a great parent.

BTW, I had a lot of guilt and shame in placing my son. It took some pretty intense therapy to work through it. I am now parenting two children, but it was a lot of work getting here.

Please pm me if you have any questions or need resources.

[mommieof2cuties]

Brenda offered you some great advice. You will get much advice here

God Bless,
Summer

I am in an open adoption with visits something you might want to consider, pm me and I can fill you in!

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by onceisenough11

Can you ever have a family life after adoption without the overwhelming pain? Please help.~ Thanks.

Yes, I know some mothers who have happy familes after adoption. In all cases, it was after a very long and extremely painful struggle. Adoption (open or otherwise) is not done without pain to the birth parents. Don't let anyone sugar coat either choice - parenting is hard - adoption is hard.

That said, you are not "giving up" a child. You will be your child's mother forever. Adoption does not negate motherhood. And you ARE entitled to raise your children, all of them.

Please seek out some private counseling - not associated with an agency.

Happy G'Ma

Good luck

Happy G'Ma

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by jpe

I have never been in your situation but I must say this. Read the boards here where all these loving people are dying for the opportunity to adopt a baby. They would LOVE you forever for giving them the opportunity to parent. If you're not in the right situation to parent, and the timing is bad, I personally feel like I'd be at ease just knowing I am giving my child to a family that is fully ready and eager to support and raise a baby. I'm sure it's much easier said than done but I would feel happiness knowing I did the right thing rather than guilt. You need to think long and hard though -- maybe talk to a psychologist and talk with an agency get advice/couseling. In my mind the most important question would be "can another family provide and support your baby better than you can"?

I wish you the best of luck in your decision. Babies are a beautiful thing and I think it's wonderful whenever anyone creates a baby, whether they give it up or not.

Dear onceisenough11,

I don't even know where to start with the advice that you have gotten in the post above.

"They would LOVE you forever for giving them the opportunity to parent."

Yes, they may LOVE you forever, but they also may want to have nothing to do with you after they have your baby.

"I'm sure it's much easier said than done but I would feel happiness knowing I did the right thing rather than guilt."

Do not take advice from this person who has never gone through relinquishing a child for adoption. Please read the forums that birth parents post on and listen to what adoption is REALLY like for birth parents.

"You need to think long and hard though -- maybe talk to a psychologist and talk with an agency get advice/couseling."

True, but it is very unlikly that you will get counseling that is in your best interest at an agency. Agencies are businesses that make money through adoption.

"In my mind the most important question would be "can another family provide and support your baby better than you can"? "

Don't think this way. My husband and I have two children. There are probably zillions of families who could provide for and support them better than we have. That does not mean that those families were entitled to our children. Don't start comparing yourself to other people. This kind of talk is very insulting to you. The most important question really is - do you want to parent your child?

Happy G'Ma

[Gigimom]

I can only offer my experience. I am a Bmom. I placed two children almost 15 years ago. It still feels unreal. Even writing "15 years ago" it's like, no way - that wasn't me -it can't be that long ago! Anyhow, I think the advive to get OUTSIDE (out of the agency) advice/therapy is EXCELLENT. The agency has a vested interest in getting you to place your child, they are too directly involved to offer unbiased support. That being said, I'm not sure what resources are out there to help you consider this decision. I don't know how many therapists are trained in adoption loss, etc. or how you would find one. I once read someone say that adoption was a long-term solution to an immediate
problem. It is so true that adoption is forever; it is also true that you don't stop being a mother when you sign the papers. You will always be your child's mother. My adoptions are semi-open and contact has been consistent and very healthy for me -that is not always the case. It can be said that some people will promise you the moon and stars (or that they will "LOVE you forever", how that plays into our insecurities!)
and then once you sign over your baby they are long gone, see you later sister!
I am not a "bitter birthmom" or whatever you want to call it. I am not anti-adoption. I made the best choice I could for that time in my life and while I have some regrets I am OK with my choices. I was not in a healthy situation to parent and I think it would have been bad for bot hme and my babies had I parented -AT THAT TIME.
Now, onto your question. I am now married and the mom of two cute little hellions, my two boys. It is not easy and I still don't think I am an A+ Mom, but heck yeah, I "deserve it"! In many ways I feel like I deserve it all the more because of what I "gave up". I experiened fertility issues when trying to get pregnant -how ironic. I think getting into counseling to deal with the whole adoption thing (including feelings of worth) was so crititcal to me.
Long answer, sorry to ramble.
There is lots of great support here. Welcome.

GiGi

[jpe]

I apologize for my opinion above the appeared to be offensive to some. Again, I have never personally given up a child and I can't possibly know what it would feel like. I have been at the other end of your situation, not personally. I have many people I've been close with that were adopted and they have such great lives and were happy with their birthparents decisions. But again, that's only 3 adoptees and it varies person to person. I wish you the best of luck in your decision. Try to think hard about what YOU want -- and not everyone else's opinion.

[Gigimom]

How did I not mention this part?! If indeed you do choose to place your child in an adoption, I think it is SO IMPORTANT to get post-placement counseling, whether it be a support group or one on one therapy. I didn't and it was a big mistake. I really floundered on my own and the grief was too much to deal with on top of hormones and college and being alone, etc. If I could do it again I would have demanded (in writing, if such a thing could happen and be enforced) to have the agency pay for post adoption counseling for at least a year. I think it's the least they can do.
But again, just my experience.

I would also say that if your relationship with the bfather is not a good one, the pregnancy won't make it better (usually worse, from my own and anecdotal experience)
and even if it isn't "bad", your hormones after giving birth might lead you to make decisions that aren't good for you. Just a long way of saying that I should have broken up with the bfather long before I got pregnant and certainly after, but I didn't and I didn't even after she was born and placed and still I clung on for dear life and it was bad, bad, bad - kept getting worse (hello! counseling sure would have been nice right about then! but I was too.... I don't know... DEPRESSED.. to pick up my own phone and get my own help. Truth be told, even if the agency had had something all set up, I might have blown it off. Anyway.)
I'm trying to say that your relationship is seperate from your pregnancy and don't feel as though you're tied to a guy "just because" you had a child with him.
Ok, again, more than you asked for - sorry!
GiGi

[onceisenough11]

Thank you so much to all of you. It was so nice to get such well thought out, helpful advice from the heart. I (luckily) still have many months to decide what to do, but I am going to seek therapy from someone not associated with any agency. Like all of you said, they have an interest first and foremost in getting me to place my child.

I especially liked the "yes, I "deserve" to raise another child after adoption" attitude. Feeling somehow "unworthy" to have a baby in the future if I adopt my child out is what I am struggling with right now..well, along with about a million other things!! Thanks again to all.

[Jessiedo]

originally posted by jpe

Read the boards here where all these loving people are dying for the opportunity to adopt a baby. They would LOVE you forever for giving them the opportunity to parent.

Excuse me if I repeat anything already posted as I have not read any further on this thread. The above "idea" just requires immediate concern and correction.

Adoption is NEVER about giving prospective parents what they are wishing for....adoption is doing what is best for YOU and YOUR CHILD. period. You do NOT owe anyone a baby. It is NOT your responsibility to provide a baby for "people who are dying for the opportunity to adopt a baby."

Jpe,
not meaning at all to attack you, but rather to understand your logic. You state

They would LOVE you forever for giving them the opportunity to parent.

yet you, yourself have previously posted that you definately want a closed adoption and that you can't understand why people would want anything but. I can't connect those two statements in my mind.

[aspenhall]

As an aparent, I need to know that the bmom has total confidence in her decision to place. IMO, you can always try to parent and decide to place later.

Adoption is for bmoms who do not wish to parent....simple.....a "better life" is a myth, they would simply have a different life. Unless of course by keeping the child, would subject them to abusive people in the bmom's own life (I know a few done for those reasons). You do not have to place straight out of the hospital......I also know of many bmoms who tried to parent first and then decided later to place. Just as many homes are waiting for ANY age child.

Counseling now is a good idea. BUT just because the counselor isn't affiliated with an agency doesn't mean they WON'T have their own agenda's. If you start getting advice that doesn't feel right or feels too pushy...back away and find someone else. My agency provides counseling for LIFE for not just adoption issues for any bmom.....but they are an agency too. What ever you decide, be sure it is an informed decision. Not all bmom's regret placing....these are usually the ones who did all the reasearch ahead of time. Also if you choose to meet with couples and you still aren't sure if you will be placing, BE HONEST....Our failed matches gave me ZERO grief because from the beginning I knew they had not chosen adoption yet and IF they did, THEN it was a match. No harm or grief to me when they decided to parent. All gifts, etc were OK for them to keep, because I knew the truth going into it. I would DIE inside to find that a baby I adopted had been coerced from a bmom and was now causing her massive grief because she wished to be a parent, but felt obligated to place.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by onceisenough11

Thank you so much to all of you. It was so nice to get such well thought out, helpful advice from the heart. I (luckily) still have many months to decide what to do, but I am going to seek therapy from someone not associated with any agency. Like all of you said, they have an interest first and foremost in getting me to place my child.

I especially liked the "yes, I "deserve" to raise another child after adoption" attitude. Feeling somehow "unworthy" to have a baby in the future if I adopt my child out is what I am struggling with right now..well, along with about a million other things!! Thanks again to all.

I hope you don't mind me posting, but I just wanted to let you know how incredibly worthy I think you are of parenting another child if you do decide to place this child. You are SO worthy and DEFINETELY deserve this. You see, placing your child for adoption is NOT a selfish act by any means, even though "some" of the world sees it as this. If this was the case, then why would birthmothers go through such emotion hell? Birthmothers (which by the way you are not until you actually place your baby, right now you are just a woman who is pregnant with a beautful child) are, in my opinion, the purest form of a mothers love for thier child!!

Again, I am very sorry if this offends anyone, me posting here! Good luck in your journey and either way if you decide to place or parent, I am sure you are going to be a great mother!!

Natalie

[katlyn]

I am a bmom and a mom to three, I always knew I wanted to have children someday. I'd have given anything to have kept my bdaughter, but it just wasn't feasable. I was myself being raised in a single parent household and knew how my mother was struggling with taking care of us. I gave my daughter to a wonderful family, praying everyday that what I did was for the best. I don't regret what I did, but I miss my daughter as much today as the day they took her from my arms. I too was afraid that if I had more children, that would somehow make me a bad mother, giving up one and keeping another. But, I now have three g-9, b-3 and baby boy 6 months. I couldn't imagine my life without them. I believe that my adoption experience has done alot to mold the woman I am today. I wish you the best in whatever you decide, and I am sure that whether you place your baby for adoption or keep that precious jewel. You will be a wonderful mom, whether it's now or in the future!