[JoEvans]

Originally Posted by onceisenough11

I am a new member here and just recently found out I was pregnant. I am considering adopting, although am not totally sure yet. I have a question for birth moms who put their children up for adoption: Do any of you struggle with the guilt of adopting a baby out and then later in life parenting one? I just feel that if I give this child up for adoption, that somehow I am not "entitled" to have or raise any more. I do really want children, but this point in my life is not the best and I was caught totally off guard. Can you ever have a family life after adoption without the overwhelming pain? Please help.~ Thanks.

Hey Sweetheart, you have a big decison to consider. I wish the best for you on your decision.

Yes. You can still parent a child after placing one for adoption.

If you dont mind, I would like to share with you a few adoption situations that I personally am touched by.

#1: My lil sister got pregnant at the age of 15 and gave birth right after she turned 16. She wanted to finish school and was not ready for the responsiblities of raising a child alone. So she decided to place her son up for adoption. Today, she is a proud mommy of a 16 years old son, who she has raised alone and is, in my opinon, doing a better job than I did. ( her second son.. she does not regret placing her first son up for adoption)

#2: I got pregnant at 17 and gave birth after I turned 18. I decided to keep my baby. I basically raised her alone for the first 11 years of her life. 10 years ago this Oct. I lost custody and her step father finished the adoption papers we started while we were married. My daughter and I are reuniting this summer. (she is 21)

#3: My second pregnancy, I was 19. And I gave birth after I turned 20. After a divorce, and my daughter got struck by a car, I went into premature labor. He was in the hospital from July til the mid of Oct. that year. By Dec. I decided I was unable to support him and decided on adoption. (he is 19 and I am in hopes of a reuinon one day)

#4: My third pregnancy, I was 21 and gave birth shortly after I had turned 22. Her father and I lived together when she was born. And we was unable to provide for her. His parents took custody but returned her to us when she was almost 2 years old, after we got married so we could be a family once again. A few years later, when we divorced, his parents adopted her the same day we signed our divorce papers. My youngest daughter and I have reunited last Aug. And are currently in the "time out" stage. (she is 17)

In my opinion: You can still have other children after placing one up for adoption. And if I look bad because I had three and placed three, then oh well. I had them at difficult times in my life. I am forever grateful for their parents that had adopted them and provided for them. I am also grateful that I had the chance to become a mother. For I love all three of my children and I did what I did because of the love I have for them.

Best wishes in your decision.

Judy

[btkfamily]

I hope that some of these messages have not scared you away from the adoption route. It is surely a long and hard battle to get through, but it can be successful.
It does take good couseling, and thinking, and support. You should find an agency that you trust, that you can talk to. You can find an adoptive couple that is the answer to your prayers. Agencies can also provide you direct support from previous birthmothers, real people you can talk to.

There are adoptive parents out there that will welcome a baby and a birthmother into there family. If you did want future contact, that is always an option for you. Adoption is the most selfless act any woman can make.
I wish you the best through this time. It is a very difficult decision, and one that should be very well thought out.
Be strong and believe in what you want to do.

[Kippa Herring]

Originally Posted by btkfamily

I hope that some of these messages have not scared you away from the adoption route. It is surely a long and hard battle to get through, but it can be successful.

How can you say that so confidently, when you are not speaking from personal experience?
Just curious.

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by btkfamily

Agencies can also provide you direct support from previous birthmothers, real people you can talk to.

I would not trust anyone that an agency put me in touch with. When my daughter was considering adoption for her son, she was given piles of "testamonials" from "real" birth mothers who glowlingly described the honor of being a birth mother. None of the them described the pain of saying the final goodbye to your child, waking up at night and hearing a phantom baby crying, or aching breasts and no baby to nurse. Yes, they will tell you about the "success" but they will not tell you about the "long, hard journey".

Always, always get outside opinions apart from agencies. Check birth mother forums on the WEB for the "real deal" from birth parents who are not paid to tell you what agencies want you to hear.

Happy G'Ma

[btkfamily]

My confidence comes through positive experiences with adoption, both first hand and through friends' adoptions. It is very unfortunate that not all situations can be as positive as mine. It is unfortunate that birthmothers are not given the full extend of the emotional roller-coaster that they may endure.
I just want to always keep an open mind, and know that one persons experiences should not be generalized into the whole process of adoption. It is good to be educated and know what to expect or ask for. And in some sense believe that there are good people out there too.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by happygmom

I would not trust anyone that an agency put me in touch with. When my daughter was considering adoption for her son, she was given piles of "testamonials" from "real" birth mothers who glowlingly described the honor of being a birth mother. None of the them described the pain of saying the final goodbye to your child, waking up at night and hearing a phantom baby crying, or aching breasts and no baby to nurse. Yes, they will tell you about the "success" but they will not tell you about the "long, hard journey".

Always, always get outside opinions apart from agencies. Check birth mother forums on the WEB for the "real deal" from birth parents who are not paid to tell you what agencies want you to hear.

Happy G'Ma

As someone who does speak to potential birthmoms about the realities of adoption I take some offense to your statements G'Ma. I am asked by my social workers at the agency to speak to some potential birthmoms because they know I will not sugar coat things. I tell it like it is, I don't sugar coat anything. I know I might not be in the norm...
Once again I'm sorry that your daughter had the experience she did. That was not right. I also agree to not take everything one resources tells you as gospel. Do your research.

[lahdh4]

After reading all the responses there really isn't too much more that I can add.

But if you do choose adoption -- it will be a hard road. Do your research, the agency that we used deal mainly with open adoption and work hard with the birthmom with counseling. I can only speak from the bmom part and not the pbirthmom side because of my situation. But they have been there for me for the past 2 years and are getting me to talk to other birthmoms from the agency about the differents stages that I am dealing with and to talk with them since they would understand.
I don't think you a bad person if you choose adoption. You would be doing a huge disservice to yourself if you thought that way and could be harder for you down the road if you thought you were a bad person. I think getting counseling is a wonderful idea.

[Montraviatommyg]

I've just been reading through the thread again. Please make sure whatever you decide that it's completely your own decision without any pressure. Also IF you decide to relinquish research the agency you do use. There are women who have relinquished,are comfortable with their decision and have good open or semi open adoptions. However there are others who have had a hard time off it due to adoptive parents going back on the agreement made.

On the other hand if you keep your child make sure you get all the support you are entitled to.

The last thing I want to do is try and persuade you either way as that would be wrong. My point being make sure you're comfortable with your decision.

Hugs
Pip

[Kippa Herring]

Originally Posted by FH-Montraviatommyg

There are women who have relinquished,are comfortable with their decision and have good open or semi open adoptions. However there are others who have had a hard time off it due to adoptive parents going back on the agreement made.

And there are those (probably most) who have a hard time of it anyway, regardless of whether the adoptive parents renege on the agreement or not.

Originally Posted by FH-Montraviatommyg

On the other hand if you keep your child make sure you get all the support you are entitled to. The last thing I want to do is try and persuade you either way as that would be wrong. My point being make sure you're comfortable with your decision.

When in doubt, DON'T.

[Gigimom]

I can only echo the sentiment that you should strive to "own" your decision. Whatever it is, you have to live with it. Parenting is forever as is adoption; there is no answer that is inherently better. You've gotta do what is right for YOU and your baby, and only you can (and should) decide that.

I just have to say that this comment made me feel pretty queasy -

"You can find an adoptive couple that is the answer to your prayers. "

While I have such love and respect for the couple I chose to adopt my children, while I am grateful that they have always maintained the level of contact we agreed upon and have been honest, kind and supportive, I didn't consider them to be "the answer to my prayers".
I seem to recall praying that I wasn't really pregnant. I prayed that my bf would step up to the plate and be a totally different human being who would love and support me. I prayed that somehow I could find a way to make it happen that I could raise my baby. I prayed that I would die while giving birth because I didn't see any other way I could get through saying goodbye. I prayed to hold on to me baby. I prayed that my milk wouldn't come inand leak while I was walking to class a week later. I prayed for a whole bunch of things, but not to be a birthmom.
Maybe I have a childish view of prayer, you know, praying for a bicycle or for someone to get well soon, instead of praying for strength tpo handle whatever comes along... I don't know, maybe I took it the wrong way, but it seemed to smack of that old-fashioned
"we'll help the poor dear out and take her baby and she can go back to her life" Adoption is NOT that!!

I hope you are doing well, onceisenough!!
GiGi

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by Gigimom

I seem to recall praying that I wasn't really pregnant. I prayed that my bf would step up to the plate and be a totally different human being who would love and support me. I prayed that somehow I could find a way to make it happen that I could raise my baby. I prayed that I would die while giving birth because I didn't see any other way I could get through saying goodbye. I prayed to hold on to me baby. I prayed that my milk wouldn't come inand leak while I was walking to class a week later. I prayed for a whole bunch of things, but not to be a birthmom.
Maybe I have a childish view of prayer, you know, praying for a bicycle or for someone to get well soon, instead of praying for strength tpo handle whatever comes along... I don't know, maybe I took it the wrong way, but it seemed to smack of that old-fashioned
"we'll help the poor dear out and take her baby and she can go back to her life" Adoption is NOT that!!

I don't mean to steer the OP in another direction, but Gigi's prayers were so much like my daughter's and mine when she was pregnant last year that I wanted to respond. Believe me, we did not think that finding the ideal family to adopt our already beloved family member was the answer to any prayers. At best, it was just something that "had to be done".

I know that my daughter prayed that she was not pregnant and that her son's father would help her. She also told me that she prayed for the courage to have an abortion after she went once and could not do it. She prayed that she would have another date in her lifetime. She prayed that she would die.

I, the mom, the adult, prayed too and if my prayers seem childish - so be it. I prayed that the pregnancy test was wrong, that I would wake up from an awful dream. When she was considering adoption, I prayed that I would not collapse into a heaving mess when I had to help her say goodbye to her baby. I prayed that I would die.

I know that posters mean well when they offer comfort by saying - think how happy you will make a couple, you are doing the best for your child, or you will find the family of your dreams. But Gigi has expressed so well why women in the throes of an unplanned pregnancy just are not in a place to take comfort in those words. For my family, they had the opposite effect - it felt like someone rubbing salt in our wounds. I repeat, I know that is not the intention, but that's the way it feels.

Onceisenough, I expect that you are praying some of the same things. It is very normal to have those thoughts and emotions. Hopefully, you are finding help here and are able to talk about your feelings with someone who you trust.

Happy G'Ma

P.S. - My signature is "Happy G'Ma" because my daughter decided that she wanted to raise her son. She came back home to live with us while she works and finishes school part time. It's hard but ssoo worth it!

[kakuehl]

Your question is are you entitled to have other children after placing one for adoption. The answer for me was yes. I placed my first born son for adoption because I believed it was the best thing for him. Yes, I could have kept him, struggled to finish school, etc. But I believed (and still believe) that it was important for him to be with two parents who wanted him and loved him and wouldn't resent him. My mother & dad married while my father was in school (college). They weren't going to have children for 2 years and by their second anniversary had two. Mom used to say, "I loved you but I didn't want you." I NEVER wanted to be able to say that to my child and I knew then how much I'm like my mother!

Despite the pain and grief I endured, I would do it again. I still believe that it was the best decision FOR ME at that time in my life. And it was my decision... not pressured by the system, the agency, my parents, etc. Please understand, this is my personal decision; not one I would urge on anyone else. The road will not be smooth whether you choose adoption or to raise the baby yourself.

I married and have two (planned) children. I may wonder why I wanted them, but I can never say I didn't!

Ultimately, life is not for the fainthearted! I love all three of the children I gave birth to. Currently my life is being enriched by reunion with my birthson. I am not the woman who raised him but we are connected in what we both believe is a healthy relationship.

I am praying that you will make the decision that is right for you and your child. (Not necessarily the decision I would make, because I'm not you!) Blessings!
Kathy

[mylovebug]

Like you said you really need to spend this time figuring out just what will work for you and your baby. This is your time to decide what to do, but counsseling would be great.Eveyone I know that has given up a child for adoption has went on to have other children and don't regret it at all, they have open adoption and are involved but they know they made the right choice. Our adopted daughters bmother made the choice to parent for a few months and when things weren't going well and she couldn't continue parenting, she placed her with us and we are so thankful for the opportunity to have her. We are raising her to know that she was very loved by her bfamily, and that they loved her enough to allow us to love her as well. I have full intentions of raising her to respect her bfamily for the choice that was made because I want her to love them, respect them, and never to feel rejected due to being adopted. I just want you to know that if you were to decide to give the baby up for adoption, that it doesn't mean she will grow up feeling rejected and hurt, and if you look into all of your options before delivery you might just find that you are capable of being an excellent mother especially if you have a supportive family. Anyways, I hope your pregnancy is great, smooth and easy going, and that before it is over you are confident in whatever your choice is.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Lovebug, it is not a "fact" that all firstparents are able to, emotionally or physically, have children in the future. We prefer to offer our expectant parents here realistic looks at the future instead of helping spread falsehoods like they did in the baby scoop era. These women (and men!) are here for real, un-sugar-coated advice. Pick up Ann Fessler's book "The Girls Who Went Away" for a small sampling of women who did not, could not or would not have children after the adoption.

[babydubs5]

not all agencies who have therapy/counciling are going to push for placement.... when we initially interviewed with our agency, they stressed that their main priority was taking care of the Bmom, and doing what was right and best for the baby and her, so placement wasn't always their top priority if the Bmom thought she could parent her child.

Not saying all agencies are like that and all agencies aren't, just giving another side of the conversation.

I do think outside therapy is a good idea, but like someone else said, some people have their own agendas, and if it doesn't feel right, try someone else.

Good luck and I wish you all the best!