[nacnudylloh]

Hello!

My name is Holly, I am 21 years old, pregnant and planning to place my baby for adoption. I also have a 3 year old son name Jaxson. I do not have a huge support system in regards to adoption and found these forums doing a search on adoption support.

So, here I am.

[Joyful Momma]

Holly what does your handle stand for? LOL Forgive me, but I generally approach handles the same way I do personalized license plates: I either figure them out or go bonkers trying to...

-Joyful

[Isabo]

Hi Holly,

I want to welcome you here. I am glad you are looking for support during this time. I am a birthmother who relinquished my son over 25 years ago.

Are you just looking for support about your decision, still considering your decision or are you looking for information regarding the benefits and the long term effects of adoption for both you and your baby (both positive and negative)? If you are open to it, there is a lot of information that you can find in this forum to educate you about the realities of adoption (the good, the bad and the ugly) and living with adoption for the rest of your life.

I can honestly say that being a birthmother is the hardest thing I have ever done and the hardest thing I will ever do. In my situation it was the wrong decision for me and my son. Other women feel that it was the right decision for them. Ultimately it is a decision you and your child will live with for the rest of your life, so I urge you really be open to the views presented here by the women who have had to live for the rest of their lives with the decision to relinquish. If you do decide to relinquish, please research and ask questions about open adoption and the benefits that an open adoption will have for you and your child.

Can I ask you why you are considering adoption for your child?

[nacnudylloh]

Joyful,

My handle is my name spelt backwards! I am with you though. I try to figure things out and if I cannot do it, then I feel like I am going to go nuts!

Isabo,

Thanks for your comments. I am so sorry that adoption was the wrong decision for you and your son.

I have made the decision of adoption because I feel that it is best for my baby, my son and myself. There are many reasons why I have chosen adoption, but the biggest being that I am a single mother and want the very best for both of my children.

[BrandyHagz]

Holly,

What kind of support are you looking for? Like you, I made the choice to place my second born because I wanted them both to have the kind of life I knew I couldn't offer two children. My son also had special needs that required a lot of my time...time I would be taking away from my second born.

You'll read many stories...some supportive of adoption and others not supportive. I am fortunate, adoption has worked for me and for the daughter I placed...but rather than listening to what I have to say about adoption, you should listen to what others have to say...the ones who are filled with regret and sadness...they can give you an insight into the pain you could potentially feel for the rest of your life.

Most importantly, realize that adoption is different for everyone...do not take one persons story as the "norm" for adoption...do some research...talk to other birthparents...try to look at both sides of the coin and make your decision based on that.

There are parenting options out there too...many of the members here would be happy to help you find some in your area...but it sounds like you've made your decision...and no one should ask you to justify it!

Go into this armed with knowledge, because in adoption, knowledge is power...read the laws for your state...become educated...and most importantly, when dealing with professionals in the industry...DO NOT let them take advantage of you and misrepresent the facts!

Good luck!

[Dreamsofchild]

Holly my best advice is find an good counselor whom is unbiased that is there for You and Your needs and make sure completely sure that this is what you feel is right bor both you and your child. Best wishes
Terrie

[Joyful Momma]

LOL Sorry Holly, how did I not figure out your handle? I think I must be having a brain fart (as my niece calls them) where everything stopped working.

I liked the way you spelled Jaxson. Very creative. I about drove my mom-in-law nuts with the spelling of our girls' names. (she couldn't understand why anyone needed to "mess with" a "perfectly good name that has stood the test of time" ) Oh well...my girls love their names, and so do we and they very much suit them.

Welcome to the forum by the way. Like everyone else has said, there's always lots of advice and wisdom here, both good and bad. Everybody's situation is different so everyone's perspective is also different. So you know, I'm an adoptive parent in an open adoption, closed later by the b-family and the state (abuse and neglect). However, we know the family quite well, and see them by accident on occasion. My girls have a very unique perspective on adoption, and we are very happy. So happy in fact, that we are planning to adopt again, hopefully a sibling group of 5 or more between the ages of infant and 8 yrs old (so they'll be younger than my youngest now- I like to keep the birth order thing intact as much as possible, from what I've read, its very important to a child's sense of self). We have thought of int'l adoption, but also of the foster-adopt program domestically.

So, if you want to hear all the positives of adoption, let me know LOL. Because I haven't really seen a lot of the negatives. Ours has been a fairly typical transition of older children, and they are very well adjusted, beautiful, intelligent kids. My only negative view on adoption is that I am slightly more hesistant in adopting older children unless I am sure that their personality fits well with our family. You won't have to worry about that, since you're placing an infant, but for us, it is a consideration.

So what made you consider adoption? (If I'm being too nosey, just ignore me...I love this chat forum)

--Joyful

[HOPEFULINPA]

Welcome Holly! You've come to the right place for support! Whether you're looking for support from previous birthmothers or if you want to wander over to the adoptive parents side and read stories from the people who hope to adopt or have adopted or read what its like to be an adoptee. And you'll find different advice from each viewpoint. It's a rollercoaster for ALL involved..that's for sure.

You've made what I believe to be one of the hardest (if not THE hardest) decisions to make to place your baby for adoption. You will make a waiting family very, very happy. Just remember YOU have all the power here. YOU can decide what type of adoption you want (do you want pictures, visits, or no contact at all) and who raises your child. YOU get to pick the family that you think would be best suited. Do you want them to have other children? A stay at home mom? What race? Area of the country? It can be a tough job finding the right home. You can choose to go thru an agency or find a family yourself online.

Feel free to ask any questions you may have. That's why we're all here..looking for information and sharing our stories.

Luann

[Maralee1987]

Just wanted to say HI Holly, from someone else who is in your shoes! I am also in the beginning stages of finding a family for my baby and doing lots of research, which is how I found this site. I am very lucky that my family and pastor are being supportive of me in my decision. I hope that you find the support you need during these coming months!

Sincerely yours,
Maralee

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by HOPEFULINPA

You will make a waiting family very, very happy. Just remember YOU have all the power here. YOU can decide what type of adoption you want (do you want pictures, visits, or no contact at all) and who raises your child. Luann

Hi Holly,

I just want to point out that you need to be careful about believing everything that people on this board or anywhere tell you - including me too I guess. I am a birthmother and have been one for 25 years.

I want to warn you not to put too much importance in how happy you are going to make an adoptive family. That is not the goal in adoption. The focus should be on finding a good home for your child, whether that is with an adoptive family, with someone in your family or with yourself. The problem with focusing on how happy you are making someone else, is that it makes it difficult to "disappoint" them later if you change your mind. Disappointing potential adoptive parents or making them happy should not be a concern for you at any time in the process. Disclaimer to discourage flamers: Of course, I am not encouraging you to act disresepectfully to potential adoptive parents or take advantage of them, but then I do NOT think that you would.

Also, the statement made by HOPEFULINPA that you have all the power here is completely erroneous, misleading and I think coercive. Yes, you will be able to make certain decisions, such as picking who the adoptive parents will be, if you decide to finalize your adoption plan. HOWEVER, and this is a VERY important point, while you may get some input on what type of adoption you want (do you want pictures, visits, or no contact at all), you don't get final say in that decision. I believe that in almost every state, adoption agreements between adoptive parents and birth family ARE NOT LEGALLY ENFORCEABLE. This means that the adoptive parents get your child after you sign the relinquishment papers, but they do NOT have to honor any portion of the agreement which governs whether you get pictures, visits, letters, etc. They can promise you the moon - you can visit any time you want, we will send you pictures every month, baby will know you and that you are his birthmother,etc. and then they can pack up and move away, never to be seen again, and there is nothing you can do about that. You can't go to court and say, but they promised!!! It doesn't matter. The agreement is not enforceable. There are many heartbreaking stories on this forum about such things happening to birthmothers. This is why it is very important to research open adoption, find out what that really means, figure out what rights you have (if you have any at all), and then find a potential adoptive couple that truly and honestly wants MORE openness than you do. That way, if you change your mind and want more, or they change their mind and want a little less, you will both be on about the same page. If you think they are reluctant or are just saying what you want to hear, choose another couple. Just remember, your power in the relationship ends when you sign the relinquishment papers. So statements like "you have all the power here" are crap (sorry, I couldn't think of a better word to get my point across).

I am going to give HOPEFULINPA the benefit of the doubt and said that she "accidently" gave you bad information. She has some learning to do about adoption. Please be careful. Be critical of what everyone tells you. Read a lot and not just the smarmy books that tell you how wonderful adoption is and how noble you will be if you do it. This is about what is best for your child, but it is also about what is best for you. Noble doesn't mean much when your heart is breaking. Adoption can be a good decision for some people, if the decision is made with accurate information.

Good luck to you.

[tobeafamily]

OK, following Lsabo is a tough act.

First, I would highly recommend you get in touch with Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight (Google it). Brenda is a birthmom and adoption educator. She does not run a placement agency and will not seek to 'influence you' any way. She does have great resources on many aspects of your situation.

Everyone experiences adoption differently. It's most important that you understand your rights, responsibilities, as well as possible negative and positive ramifications for you, your unborn, that child's biological father, your son, and the rest of your family.

Lsa is correct: this is not about making someone else happy. It's about making the best decision you can for your family. No one can tell you what that is, we can only hopefully help you think through your situation to ensure you've got the best information available to make your decision.

It is correct that in most states post-placement openness agreements are not legally enforcable. It is also true that there are adoptive parents who either deliberately or unconciously promise contact they are not prepared to deliver, only to change after placement. This may be true for you too - you may decide that you don't want contact, then later do.

This is why I recommend if you are considering any openness at all to find a family who is interested in more openness than you are.

How can you tell if a family is 'trustworthy'? Wish there was a test. If they've adopted before and that adoption is open, that's a good sign. Preciouskids (google it) has a great 'adoptive parents scam' listing that may be helpful.

You haven't said why you're placing vs. parenting, so I can only hope that you've explored all avenues to parent this child - assistance through social agencies, support networks, etc. If not, please do.

Lastly remember that you have every right to decide to parent vs. place at any time up until you've terminated your rights and any post-signature waiting period has ended. It is OK to decide once your child is born that you cannot go through with it and you must parent.

You are not under any 'time' limitation. If you feel it's right, bring your baby home and spend some time with them. If later you decide that you wish to place, you absolutely still can. Anyone who pressures you or tells you that you cannot do this is deceiving you and should be avoided.

Sorry I'm rambling. Best of luck to you. Please feel free to ask any question you like, you'll get lots of answers.

Regina

[brinawynne]

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. You have found a wonderful place full of knowledge and support. We are in the process of adopting a baby boy (international) and I think and pray for his birthmother daily. She will always have a special place in our hearts. I've not placed a child for adoption so I cannot completly understand what you are going through. But I respect the courage and strength you must have to even consider it. It seems that your desicion is already made and I admire you for that. But please know that it is the RIGHT desicion for you. Good Luck to you!!!

Brina

[timni]

Hi Holly,

I am in the middle of a great match with a very close friend of mine. We are waiting on the birth right now before we can move on, but I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. I know this is the hardest decision ever. Please look closely at your options b/c they are many. I also welcome you to the forum. Above all I have found this is a place that all sides of the adoption triad can help and heal together. I wish you luck.

[nacnudylloh]

Thanks for all of the welcomes, concerns and comments! I really do appreciate it.

I have definitely thought long and hard about my decision to pursue adoption. I am 21 years old with a 3 year old son who I am single parenting. I would not change the fact that I chose to parent my son. I believe that it was the right choice for me at the time, not to say that I have not made mistakes along the way. That said, I have grown so much over the 3+ years since I found out I was pregnant with my little boy.

I married Jaxson's father after we found out that I was pregnant. He was gone before Jaxson was born and I filed divorce papers shortly after he left. He came back and moved in with us as we ventured to make our relationship work and even discussed getting remarried. I found out that I was pregnant again and my ex-husband was out the door ask quickly as his little legs would carry him. Hard lesson learned, but that must have been what it took for me to realize that he did not have the desire to make our family work.

My son is a happy, loved and well adjusted little boy. He is the light of my life!

I work full-time and do all I can to spend quality time with my son. Bringing another child into my home would be unfair to both Jaxson and my baby. I want the very best for both of them and feel that adoption is the avenue to take to give both of them the very best.

[tobeafamily]

Holly,

I'm not a full-time single parent. I was a part-time single parent once, while DH was still AD/USN and going away for weeks at a time. Working FT with a non-sleeping baby with a delicate digestion was not my idea of fun. So I feel for you.

Hang in there, and remember your decision is never final until you've signed.

Regina