so confused

tnkrbll · #1 03-10-2005, 10:49 AM

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant. I have just ruled out the idea of abortion (my appointment was supposed to be today). My boyfriend of three years means absolutely everything to me. He has always known that he never wanted kids. Growing up, I always did, but I've gotten much less certain about it. Anyway, I knew I didn't right now. I'm 22 years old, not doing very well in college, and struggling with bills. Obviously, he very strongly wants the baby to be adopted. I keep finding myself going through my ultrasound pictures over and over again. I feel like adoption would leave me constantly wondering. But losing my boyfriend is the worst think I can imagine. I'm just absolutely lost on what to do and was hoping someone here might have some helpful advice.

numbr1dbcksfan · #2 03-10-2005, 11:04 AM

tnkrbll,

Well, first off, A child is forever, and a boyfriend isnt necissarily. It may be the worst thing you can imagine - right now- but what if you place your child - only to keep him - and something happens down the line?? You would be without him AND without your child. You really need to think about that.

Second - many people dont want children, and then once they hold their baby, they melt. Even if you were to place for adoption, he would STILL have a child. What it sounds like is that he doesnt want the RESPONSIBILITY of a child-- and guess what.... too late!

If you were to choose adoption, there are many options of how open it can be -- you wouldnt have to necissarily wonder. BUT you would have to deal with the loss, and anger and the pain of seeing your child that you love being raised by someone else. You need to really think about how far you are willing to go for this guy. If he will leave you for keeping HIS child, then IMO he is a scum bucket and you deserve better than that anyway.

Good Luck. Let us know if you need to talk....

Christine

spitzlvr · #3 03-10-2005, 11:18 AM

I agree with Christine. Boyfriends, husbands - they are "the one". But later, it may turn out they are NOT. Your child IS your child - now and forever.

Allow me to also give you some unsoliciated advice. If you feel you want to look into adoption, then by all means, do. But remember some important facts. Regardles of what people are telling you (either outright or subtly) your baby is YOUR baby. When that child is born, even if you have adoptive parents picked out and waiting, if everyone is referring to the child as X's child, it is YOUR child. Make your decision for you and your child. Not to please anyone else. And just because enough times passes that you CAN sign away your rights, this doesn't mean you HAVE to. YOU decide what you will do and when. Don't be pressured (to do anything!).

One last thing - Congratulations! Enjoy this time. Decisions you are going to make in the future do not impact on the fact that RIGHT NOW you are pregnant. You have a child (a tiny one, but still a child). Treasure this time. It will be gone all too soon.

MNelson · #4 03-10-2005, 11:22 AM

tnkrbll,

I'd just like to add to what Christine said. If you do place, and your boyfriend does stay in your life. What then? You have a birthchild that you will likely have an unfathomable (to you now) connection to, and your boyfriend doesn't want a kid. Will that disparity cause friction between you? (Not to mention any resentment you might feel for making that choice primarily to keep him.)

At 22, you may be "less certain" about wanting children, but you have a lot of young adulthood left when the longing to become a parent will very likely become stronger. You still have a boyfriend that doesn't want (more) children. Even if you and your boyfriend don't stay together, and you partner with a man who does want children. There are no guarantees that you will be able to have another child enter you life.

Please don't make this decision for anyone but yourself. Of course it is a joint decision with your boyfriend, because he is an expectant parent (whether he wants to be or not). But no one can push you into relinquishing your child.

Read some stories on here (the journals are a great place to take a glimpse into what you might expect in the future). You'll see a recurring theme of "I wish I would have known ... " Just make it your full focus to try to prepare yourself as much as you can by the lessons learned by others.

Warmest hugs while you choose a critical life path over the coming months.

paman8 · #5 03-10-2005, 11:43 AM

I agree that the men in your life don't always stick around and that your child is always your child. I've talked with many women that placed and many women that didn't. There are so many sides to it all...there are women on both sides of the fence that wish they had...wish they hadn't...

If you look into adoption, look deeply into it. There are many, many women who say that even though is hard, it was the best thing to do. You are ultimately the one who needs to make that decision. There are varying degrees of openness, too, and that needs to be factored into your decision. Like was said before, the final decision, up to the moment you sign, is yours and you only need to do what you feel is right. Adoption is something to look at, but isn't a done deal until you sign the papers...after you have your baby.

Pam

tnkrbll · #6 03-10-2005, 11:46 AM

I did fail to make it clear in my first post that he has generally been very supportive. When he decided not to come stay with me yesterday (we live 3 hours apart) he was wanting to make sure I realized he wasn't trying to avoid me. It really was a good idea for him to stay home as he's looking for a job. He's never said he would leave me if I had it; he actually told me he wouldn't and that he didn't want me to feel like I had to choose between him and the baby. I'm just kind of afraid it would be the end result. His main argument is that having grown up in the situation of a not feeling wanted by a parent (he hasn't seen his father in years), he wouldn't want to put this child through all the things he went through. He is also severely depressed, and has contemplated suicide over considerably less in the past. When I was going into an ultrasound yesterday that his mother had set up with an ob/gyn friend, he decided at the last minute he wanted to stay in the waiting room. His mother told him that he was acting like his father. He did end up going with me, and I guess I was kind of disappointed that seeing it didn't seem to affect him as it does me. The baby was being very active the whole time, and the doctor was pointing out all his/her features. I really wish I could somehow make him feel what it's like for the baby to be growing inside you and to have that bond. He comes from a pretty screwed up family and although he doesn't admit it, I think that his biggest thing is being afraid of being like his own parents. His mother is definitely not supportive, which doesn't help. She wants to raise the baby and will not accept any other possible outcome. My parents are incredibly supportive. They only say that they want me to do what's best for me. I do get the idea that they are excited about the idea of a new grandchild though. I get that feeling from my sister as well. I went and talked to a very good friend last night, which I think helped. His advice was to "stick to my guns" and not let my boyfriend or family influence my decision. It's kind of weird talking to him about it, though. His girlfriend is due next month with her third (his first) child, and he's very excited about it. It just kind of seems that, having no doubts himself, it's kind of hard for him to relate I think. It also kind of refutes my theory about my boyfriend as this friend also grew up with an absent father.

This was incredibly long, sorry.

numbr1dbcksfan · #7 03-10-2005, 11:55 AM

Well, it sounds to me that you already know what you want to do!

Let us know if you need help finding resources in your area...we are good at helping with that, too!

Enjoy being pregnant! Enjoy being a mama!

spitzlvr · #8 03-10-2005, 11:56 AM

It was not too long. We are here to listen to you, and offer whatever advice we can.

You can use this forum to vent, yell, cry or laugh. That is why it is here. The more you talk, they more you can work things out in your head.

keep talking.

MNelson · #9 03-10-2005, 12:02 PM

Not long at all! Thanks for sharing more. It sound like you and your boyfriend do have a great relationship, and I didn't (and I don't think anyone else) meant to imply otherwise by introducing the possibility that your relationship may not be forever ... it's just life's reality.

But now that you've shared more about your boyfriend, his initial response to not go in for the ultrasound does indicate that he is vulnerable. It may have been interpreted as unsupportive by his mom, but it's more likely that he feared that he might feel something and he has already decided (he thinks) the outcome he wants.

That being said, that is far from the end of the story. He has a long path to travel also until the (potential) relinquishment of his child. The fact that he suffers from depression, and has been suicidal does not make your joint decisions any easier. In fact, you both will really need to explore the potential pitfalls of the grief over the relinquishment if that's the path you choose with respect to your boyfriend's illness.

I highly recommend you encourage your boyfriend to learn as much as he can about adoption before either of you move forward. Google "Brenda Romanchik" for resources. And please please please don't involve any potential adoptive families until you go much much further on your path of discovery. Beware of any agency that pushes you to do that prematurely, or that you feel is doing anything but counseling ALL of your options.

(((hugs)))

Bmom to Joshua · #10 03-10-2005, 01:05 PM

Tnkrbll. First let me start out by telling you that I am a birthmother to a son who has just turned 11 today. I came across your post and felt compelled to respond. I have to say that I am a little disturbed by a few things that you have said. However, before I go into that let me just say that I applaud you for dismissing the abortion idea. I applaud you for recognizing that you are not ready to be a parent and I applaud you for having the strength to come here and seek the help and support you will so desparately need at this difficult time. Now, having said all that, let me try to respond to your post. First, you say your boyfriend of three years means everything to you. Let me just say that this baby your carrying will mean more to you than anything or anyone ever has, can or will. Second, you state that your boyfriend has always known that he didn't want kids but growing up you always did and are now much less certain about the idea. Are you sure you haven't changed your mind to satisfy your boyfriend? Third, you say you keep going through your ultrasound pictures, you feel that adoption would leave you constantly wondering, and that losing your boyfriend would be the worst thing that could happen to you. I want you to understand that while you do have the option to choose how open your adoption is going to be, you will find that many adoptive parents don't always keep their word. Think about how you will feel once you give that child up and ultrasound pictures are all you have left. Also, understand that regardless of your adoption situation, you will always be left wondering. You will always wander how he/she is doing; is he/she healthy; how would he/she be if I would have chose to raise him/her. There will always be a lot of questions and not enough answers. And, losing the boyfriend will be nothing compared to the loss of this child. Over the next 51/2 months you will be creating a bond with this baby that you will never have with the boyfriend.

Now, I am not here to tell you what to do by any means but my advice to you is to forget about the boyfriend for the time being and concentrate on this baby. I pray that your decision will be based on what is truly best for your baby and not on keeping your boyfriend. Regardless of the outcome, this child belongs to you AND your boyfriend and nothing will change that.

hopeful0712 · #11 03-10-2005, 07:21 PM

Tnkrbell,
I was 20 when I gave up my first child. I was very naive. There is a lot to consider here. Your baby should be your number one priority right now. If your boyfriend truly loves you he won't go anywhere. He will stand by you no matter what you decide. After all, he is a big part of this picture too. He is going to be a father whether he wants to be or not, can't change that. I understand the depression aspect of this. Been there, and back several times myself. At this time, stop and really evaluate your feelings on everything. Do not sign anything until you are 100% sure of your decision. Do not make any promises you cannot keep. Raising a child changes everything about your life as it is now. You are no longer #1. Your life will never be the same again. With parenthood comes many things, one of them being sacrifices. It is not easy, but as with anything, if you want it bad enough anything is possible. You can never replace a first born child. When they go a big part of you goes with them never to be reclaimed. You will always miss them, time just kind of numbs you. Please take this time to feel your baby inside of you, think about your baby's future. What is best for your child? Whether or not you decide to parent your child is your choice. Just please put your child first...
Keep posting here to get the support you need right now. Honestly, there are many informative, caring people here that have been through what you are going through right now. If you want to pm me to talk, feel free. Take care of you and your baby and God bless all of you!
(((HUGS))),
Robin

Howdy · #12 03-10-2005, 07:59 PM

Does your college offer counseling services to students? I think you should go discuss all your options with someone who knows how to help a person think of all aspects and envision themselves in each situation.
If your parents are supportive, perhaps you could find out from them how much support they would be comfortable with. Such as, could you live with them for the first couple years after your child is born, while you finish college and/or some other career training?
You have plenty of time to decide, though if you find out now what challenges you may have to deal with for each option, then you may find the decision easier.
Perhaps your boyfriend will discover that children aren't so bad after all. On the other hand, with all the stories in the news in the past few years about pregnant women murdered by their husbands, I'd say go real easy on your boyfriend, don't scare him into going crazy about an unwanted responsibility that he may see descending upon him.

Montraviatommyg · #13 03-11-2005, 03:26 AM

I agree with what's already been said the best advice I can give is do what you feel is best for you. As for your boyfriend he has his own problems (for want of a better word) and I think you are being sensible looking at your options. If you keep your baby it sounds like you will get support - from boyfriend as well (?) - but if you choose adoption as the best option only do so because you feel it is the best option.

It can be hard at times bringing up a child but if you have support then that is a big help, adoption can be a good option but there is the emotional downside. If I known then what I do now I probabbly wouldn't have had my bson adopted but my main problem was lack of supprt at the time.

All I'm really trying to say is make sure you make whatever your decision is because you want to and nobody else.

Good luck!

Montravia

stacykelly · #14 03-11-2005, 10:42 AM

I read your post.I want to first praise you for not getting an abortion!!! The decision you both have to make is one that both of you will forever have to live with.Adoption is not for everyone.You have to be sure in yur heart that is what you really want and know that you could do that.There is different adoption now. closed where these is no contact at all with the adoptive parents and the baby-open adoption which can be from letters and pictures to even actual visits.It cannot be an easy decision so please take your time.You could actually pick the adoptive parents you want to raise your baby.From just reading your post you seem like you are so excited and want this baby very,very much.Please don't let others influence your decision.In the end your heart will know where this baby belongs.I just don't want you to ever regret your decision.There are so many hopeful adoptive couples out there who would love the opportunity to adopt a baby,but just be sure that is something you feel that is right ---take care and God Bless

mlbsands · #15 03-11-2005, 11:30 AM

Hi there.. I am glad that you are considering all of your options.. One thing that is great is that have time to decide, he has time to think and you guys have time to work thru this together..

I think that you need to decide what YOU want.. are you ready to parent and do you want to parent. But you also have to be realistic.. if you parent are you prepared to parent by yourself.. He may stay and he may not.. but you have to be prepared to parent on your own (by the way.. I feel the same way about ANYONE considering having a baby - even if you are married).

Once you make up your mind.. then work it out with him.. But also remember that you can look into all options right now.. Talk with people that can help you to find resourcesa to parent but also talkw ith some adoption conselors and work thru those issues at the same time.. (I do not advise going thru an agency though as they may "spin" things more toward adoption).

If you are seriously considering adoption talk to some adoptive families... be honest that you are just in the early stages.. but see how it make you feel (you may HATE that and realize you want to parent and you may find a family that you love and really feel at peace with placing). I would also be happy to talk to you as an asoptive parent in an open adoption (I am NOT looking to adopt now.. so this is simply an offer if you want to hear about things from the other side).

In any case.. take your time and really think about what is best for you and the baby..

Also.. consider that you can have the baby and see how he feels.. you do not have to place at birth.. give him a chance to bond.. you can make the decision later if you want.

Let us know how it is going and good luck.

Mandy

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