[antifloyd]

Originally Posted by Leigh_C

You said that there I belive that there is someone out there that God has plans to raise this child.
Again I am sorry about what happened to you but that dose not mean that adoption is not right for me, my daughter and this baby on the way. I am the one that is living this life and I know what is best for all three of us.

Leigh, it sounds like you have given this a lot of thought, and that is good. I can only echo what Heather said in an earlier post, explore all your options and make an informed decision.
While I regret the circumstances surrounding my daughter's birth (sure didn't plan to get pregnant in high school, my birth control failed) I have never regretted the decision itself. In some ways, yes it WAS a selfish decision on my part ... at 17 I wasn't READY to be a mom. But knowing that was only looking out for my baby's best interests. I had good counseling (at least before the adoption) and the support of my mom no matter which way I chose. I believe this is why I am still at peace today, almost 24 years later, with that decision. And mine was a closed adoption, not by my choice, just dictated by availability at the time.
The only other advice I want to throw in is that (as you seem aware) you WILL suffer from grief and loss, no matter how okay you are with your decision. Please know that it's OKAY to feel that, and seek counseling (whether with a therapist or perhaps through your church?) if it seems overwhelming. This is my real regret ... my very good education of my options when I was pregnant kinda fell short when it came to how I would feel later, even years later!

[FL_GirlByProxy]

Leigh, I will totally echo and support Lauri's thoughts here. I went through 20 years of needing counseling and support, and I just wouldn't do it, didn't know where to get it, couldn't afford it, for so many reasons it did not happen. I really think this is important, which is why I'm posting again. You do seem to have alot of support around you, especially in your faith, and that is fantastic. This forum is a great source of support too, I found it just last year, and I've wondered how I got along without it. Every situation is unique, but for myself, I did finally see a therapist, and she has been just incredible. It was long overdue. Just wanted to put my 2 cents in when I read Lauri's post, as I really think that support and therapy are things to seriously keep in your thoughts. Prayers to you!!

[Leigh_C]

I have been talking to someone from the time that I was 6 weeks along (almost 15 weeks now). She has been a grate help to be and helped me so much in my comming to understand why I am doing this.

I know that placing this baby will be one of if not the hardest thing that I have ever done but regardless of it is hard or easy I know that I will feel a loss and I also know that becouse I love this baby and I love my daughter and also myself I am doing this. I belive that it takes a grater love and a grater courage in oneself to place a baby for adoption becouse you want more for the baby then what you can give it. To keep the baby and raise him or her would be the easy thing to do but for the unborn baby, Emmalie, and myself I know in my hart of harts that it is what it right.

I thank everyone who has suported me but also feel like for every word of suport someone is bashing me. Maybe it is the pregnancy hormones but it hurts so much that I am doing what I think is best and some people keep trying to tell me what a awful person I am. It makes me cry becouse I feel that this is best and I came here for suport and advice on how to go about this in the best way.

[wanttobeparents]

Leigh,

You have done nothing wrong, you are not an awful person for trying to do what is best for your child. You have someone to talk to about this, and are getting the help you need. Good for you!

Do not settle for an adoption that does not feel right for you. I echo other people's advice to seek out Brenda Romanchik of Open Adoption Insights. You do not need to use a local agency if they do not meet your needs. Find one that works the way you want your adoption.

Check this thread about the Birthmother's Bill of Rights:
The Birthmother's Bill of Rights

The best way is to be informed. Best of luck to you.
Peggy

[tobeafamily]

Leigh,

Ditto to Peggy on not settling for less than what you wanted. We are adoptive parents in a fully open integrated adoption (in our lives off board, there is no distinction between 'birth' and 'adoptive' relatives, they're all equal). Everyone, including our agency who is very pro-open-adoption told us that it was highly unlikely we'd find birth parents interested in this much openness. That's what they told Ryan's bfamily too.

So stick to what you want, get an attorney to represent you (most will do this without fee), talk to tons of agencies, just don't settle, OK?

I think everyone on this board (at least I hope so) is well intentioned in their posts, and do not mean to cause you pain for pain's sake. We're all at different places on our journey, and want to share with others what we've learned. That's all.

Hang in there, and stick to your guns when selecting potential adoptive parents. Never ever let anyone bully or pressure you into doing something you don't want, that's where regret hides.

Regina

[Kara J]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through! I commend you for making the best decision for YOUR child! You, Emmalie, and the baby are in my thoughts and prayers.... Love and ((((hugs)))) to you! ... Kara

[Casey677]

Leigh,

So very sorry that you feel you are being bashed. No matter what advice anyone gives you, in the end you need to do what you feel is best for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Casey

[TLynnP]

It is good to hear that you have had support Leigh and I hope your friend continues to stay by your side for you.

You know the feelings you are going to have, for you have a beautiful 7 month old daughter you are parenting and you know the love you have for her. This does not mean you love your unborn child any less by no means. You love this child as much as your daughter and no matter what pain you know you may go through, you are thinking of this child totally and I have the utmost respect for you Leigh as a mother. Your concern and love shows through your words as to how much your children mean to you and that love will always be there.

If you choose open adoption, you can be a part of your child's life in many ways. You want a family that will also adopt you into their family so you can be a part of their family in every way.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Emmalie and your unborn child.

Terri
AMom to two

[mimc]

Leigh,

Don't feel that you have to settle for the semi-open couples that are presented to you locally. There are many, many agencies and attorneys out there, and there are many families who would love to have a fully open adoption. Do a few searches online - you will find many, many sites with profiles of families waiting to adopt.

How much openness do you want? That should help you narrow your list of potential families. If you want frequent visits, a family living on the other side of the country may not work for you.

You are still very early in your pregnancy. My advice is research, research, research. There is a lot to learn about adoption. You don't have to make a decision to place or a decision on a family immediately.

It sounds like you have a ton on your plate right now with work, school, and a little one at home. Hang in there. ((hugs))

[cynthia900]

Leigh,

I'm sorry that your request for help on open adoption has taken some hurtful turns- Your conviction and determination are to be commended. I echo the advice others have given about finding a family who is interested in open adoption. I think it is important for the birthparents but even more importantly for the child - so that they always know, firsthand, that adoption was a loving choice.

I am an adoptive parent and my advice on how to make it work is - make sure that "open" means the same thing to both you and the adoptive family. Get specific (not just visits but visits at least x times a year plus emails and pictures or calls x times a year- or whatever it is that you want) so that you can make sure you are compatible. And make sure that the family is flexible - very few things endure exactly over the span of a child's life so it is likely that your agreement will need to adapt as well.

I wish you all the best in your journey.

Cynthia

[ellemeth]

Leigh-

I'm sorry that you feel attacked here. Another suggestion to you while looking into an open adoption, I would recommend looking into which states allow court enforcable openness aggreements. I don't think there are many but there are some. I know MA is one of them but I don't know the others off the top of my head. Even if it isn't court enforcable, a written aggreement is still a good idea. That way everyone's expectations are spelled out.

Good luck in making an adoption plan and doing everything that goes with it. If you want an ear of someone whose been there, door's open.

[banjo]

Leigh,

14 years ago when I chose an open adoption i too felt like people - especially professionals - were "attacking" me for my choice. However with hindsight what they were trying to do was warn me that the pain of the loss does not go away for most birthmothers and then there's the regrets...i think about my birthchild everyday and if i could turn back the clock I would never let her go...I'm glad those people warned me but I wish they had told me that if my child could talk she would says she wanted to stay with me not be handed to strangers. But I am also grateful that my child is loved and adored by her aparents. Funny thou so many things I didn't want my bchild to go through ie daycare, my kept child lives with and is happy with...so if you think things could get better in say two or three or even five years - keep hold of that baby. otherwise good luck and seek out a state with an enforceable open adoption agreement. otherwise, Once you sign those papers you have no rights and an open adoption can be closed. Or seek out aparents who are already involved in an open adoption because then you can see their actions speak louder than words. Those of us who have walked in your shoes just want to let you know about the pitfalls.....please don't take this as an attack...lol banjo

[PalicT]

First of all good for you for raising one of your children but let me ask you this since you are so religous don't you believe god gave you this baby for a reason? I mean I have never heard of anyone getting pregnant while using birth control and condoms. And in this case it makes me think that one you may not have been as protective as you've said or this baby is a miracle. And by not giving your child all the things in life he or she deserves well your love is all your child needs providing for one isn't so different than providing for two. My parents had and raised eight children and I am the youngest we may not have had money but we have love and we are all grown now and realize the sacrifices my parents went through and how hard they had it at times but no one said being a parent was easy there are things in your life you have to change and sometimes give up. I just think its not about the child but more about you. We are taught about safe sex in school and most not all but most religous people don't believe in sex before marrage. I can't make your choice for you nor would I want to. I have been married for seven years to a wonderful man and together we have had three beautiful daughters and I wouldn't change my life for all the money in the world no school or job is more important to me than my family. And I would give up everything for them. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but really just think ten years down the road your child may come to you and say why did you give me away and not my sibling? And one day you may have more children what will you tell them about the child you gave away? Its alot to think about but threres alot of questions you need to ask yourself before you make a life changing decision and maybe ask the father if he wants the child?

[scarlet52698]

Palic-- I have a very good friend who was taking TWO kinds of birthcontrol pills for female problems and she supposedly could not have children due to these female problems and now she is expecting a baby this summer. All the protection in the world is not a 100%.

Also, birthmothers do not "give away" their children. They place them into the arms of a chosen family. While I agree with some of your points about how a child might feel later on down the road, your post sounds a bit harsh to me.

[ellemeth]

There is no birthcontrol that is 100% reliable. Even the stuff that is over 98% reliabe when used perfectly is a lot lower when human error is taken into account. I got pregnant 3 times while using different methods of birthcontrol. Only one of those methods was even pills. The other two were different types of shots. Many medications, including over-the-counter ones can negate birthcontrol. None of my doctors have ever mentioned the possibility when prescribing things. I finally convinced my pharmacist to give me a list. It was 2 pages of generic names!!!