[YoungMomof3]

First I'd like to introduce myself, My name is Raegen and I am 16 years old. I have a boyfriend of 4 years, Xavier and he is 17 years old. We have a gorgeous 20 month old daughter together named Natalie Alexis. We are also expecting our next child Zayne on October 11. I also have a son in heaven, Colton who was Natalie's twin but died at two months old from SIDS.

I found out I was pregnant again in February of '04 and it was the scariest thing that could happen. I mean I was 15 and going to be a mom of two by 16. I have a loving boyfriend but man how bad can I screw up.

I am now 38 weeks pregnant and have been thinking about giving my little boy up for adoption. Its not that I want to but I feel that he can have a better life in a home with two older parents who can stay home with him and give him the love he needs. Im not saying there isnt enough love for him here because there is a lot here to offer him. I guess I just feel torn. When my twins were born I was only 14 and I put them into foster care for awhile but when my son passed away I thought my world was crashing down so i worked hard to get my daughter back and I did.

I just feel torn. I only have a few weeks left to make this decision and i know whatever decision I make is the best one but.....im lost.

[roomformore]

I guess the question is do you feel you are ready and able to raise and support another baby? It is important that you finish school. Do you have a good support system to help you? Would you feel guilt about placing your child? Only you know what you can live with. I wish my own sister who also had a baby young had had the courage and generosity to give her baby up for adoption-it would have been much better for my neice. Is adopting something your boyfriend will go along with? I wish everyone having a baby wanted what is best for the baby like you do.

[mj77]

I agree with roomformore, I wish all parents gave such thought over their child's best interest as you are. The decision you make is one you will have to live with. It is an option for you to place your baby for adoption but to request an open adoption, that way you will be able to know some about them. I wish you the best.

[scooter583]

If you do choose adoption, make sure to get counseling. It seems like many agencies don't do enough, if any, with the birthparents. I am an adoptive mom of a 3 year old boy, and we are looking for a baby brother or sister, so I can't give you a birthmother's perspective, but I do feel strongly about the counseling. We have had several failed adoptions, and I think they were do to lack of couseling for the birthmother. Many agencies just want to be able to get a baby for aparents so they can get their money, Some of the bmoms we were matched with, I could tell they didn't really want to place their child for adoption, and in the end, they chose to parent. I know you don't have a lot of time, but do try to get to know the afamily you choose, and ask for an open adoption if that is what you want.

Best of luck with this difficult decision. Feel free to e-mail me at ymterri@yahoo.com if you want to.

Terri

[baby2luv]

I think Terri gave great advice about seeing a counselor. I am also an adoptive mom starting the process again. Our bmom had excellent counseling through our agency. We have an open adoption in which we have monthly visits and email/send pictures frequently.
A counselor can help you sort out your feelings so that you can make the decision that is best for you. At 38 weeks you are in an emotional time period as well. There is not a lot of time but I think you should talk with someone so that you can go with your decision either to place for adoption or to parent with a peace of mind.

Good luck to you. I will pray for you that your decision becomes clear to you. If you would like to email me for an ear to listen.. you can either pm me or email me at boutenhome@cox.net

~Kathy

[Volfe]

since you have some time left, read ALOT about adoption. Read about it from the birth parents perspective. Read about it from the adoptee's perspective.

There is a lot to think about and to know before you do it. It is not as easy as it sounds. Especially since you cannot get the baby back...

Even with an open adoption it is a major loss. Consider that too.

Maia

[mom2GRLC]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I admire your ambition and love you have for your daughter in getting her back. As a young mom you already have your hands full and although having a child is such a blessing it can also be a lot of responsibility. It is my strong belief that a child deserves to have a stable home with a mother and a father. It sounds like even though your aren't married your daughter is being raised by a loving man as well. She is truly blessed to have family who really loves her and is trying to provide for her.

I am a foster parent as well as an adoptive parent of two children through foster-adoption. Our life has been so blessed as we have enlarged our family. We have had 30 children in our home in the last 2 1/2 years. We usually have between 3-5 kids in our home at a time. We currently have our two plus 3 foster children.....so that makes 5 kids under the age of 5.

I will tell you that things do get more expensive with every child you have. From simple things like food and diapers to traveling and doing fun things. The hardest thing to do is give each child quality time alone....while taking care of everything else that comes along with a family a home, school, doctors appointments and time for yourself and your boyfriend. Then when you add school a job or what ever else you have going in your life...sometimes it is hard to find a balance.

I love my family and love being a houswife and mother to these special children who are going through difficult times. It's the JOB and I will say JOB because it is a lot of work. But it's what I have chossen to do at this point in my life and I enjoy it.


I have no doubt you will love your new baby just as much as you have your previous two. The idea that you are thinking about your childs welfare and future above your own instincts to love and hold and care for your own baby shows what a strong individual you are.

As a young mother you already have so many responsibilities in starting your own life and future as well as trying to balance your life and time and check book.

I admire your choice to look into adoption. I admire the love you have for your unborn baby boy and I pray that whatever decision you choose you will feel at peace with and be able to stick with.

Our son who is now 5 was taken away from his mom at age two and her rights were terminated after two years of him being in fostercare. He has had to go through so much in his little life that it breaks my heart. On the other hand our beautiful little girl was placed up for adoption through DHS and came to our home straight from the hospital.

It is so important you make up your mind what you want to do and stick with it. If you decide to raise your boy...do the very best you can and don't let anything come between you and your kids.

If you choose to adopt......have faith in your decision and let your little one form a bond with his new family from the very begining and please don't change your mind.

Adoptive parents have usually been through years of infertility and years of waiting and hoping for a child through adoption. There is so much hurt and pain. They look to each intended placement with their whole hearts and start developing that bond with the child long before they ever receive him or her in the home. It is truly devastating when a placement fails and they are again left with empty arms and an empty heart.

Just somethings to think about. As if you don't have enough on your mind. May God help you in your decision and give you the strength and comfort for what ever you decide.

[Volfe]

Originally posted by jessicagarner

It is so important you make up your mind what you want to do and stick with it. If you decide to raise your boy...do the very best you can and don't let anything come between you and your kids.

If you choose to adopt......have faith in your decision and let your little one form a bond with his new family from the very begining and please don't change your mind.

This is why it is important to really learn a lot now. You can take your baby home and think about it if you want. You are the parent first of all. You will have that strong maternal bond between your child and yourself. But raising two kids is hard on your own (if that should ever happen). Sorry to not sugar-coat it.
and realize that you CAN change your mind if you decide to parent after thinking you wanted adoption. Its once you sign the papers that it gets tricky.

[stacyone]

Consider contacting Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight -- you can Google it. She is a bmom in a fully open adoption and is a great resource.

I'm an amom in a fully open adoption and have never lost sight of the fact that my greatest joy is only possible because of someone else's greatest sorrow. The decision to place a child for adoption is incredibly complicated.

Congratulations on your new arrival, whatever you choose. Let us know what you decide!

[YoungMomof3]

thank you all very very much. The things you have said have really made me think and I still do not know what I want to do, it has helped my boyfriend and I so much.

We both have great support systems and are both still in school. I have no doubt that I couldnt raise this child and give him the love he needs but I feel guilty because I am young and I would be putting him in daycare.

About the idea of adoption, I think it is a great thing but im debating whether its for me or not. I went through a childhood of hell and it was hard and I had to fend for myself and I know I can raise my child better than that, its all so confusing.

I have been talking to some adoptive mothers and birthmothers this past week and they have really helped me. Ive also talked to young mothers who are also raising two under two. Its helped.

As of right now, I think I am going to keep this child. Natalie has brought so much joy into my life and turned me from the things leading me down the wrong path and I am greatful for her and I know that Zayne will do the same thing. Xavier wants this child and he knows he will help raise it, its me who is doubting but I guess I need to live up to Xavier and help take care of this child also.

Also like a lot of you said we are going to take him home from the hospital and if it doesnt work out and I cant handle it we will put him up for adoption because I know there is someone out there that will give my son a great life.

Ill keep you posted.

[BrandyHagz]

Folks, please keep in mind that the Terms of Service prohibits members for posting “I can help” messages with contact information or recommendations.

Community Websites are NOT places for adoptive parents or adoption professionals to solicit birthparents. So many people visit the Community Websites that birthmothers get "pounced on" from dozens of different people if this rule is not strictly observed. Adoption Media is committed to making the Community Websites places where birthparents feel safe. It is not appropriate for adoption professionals or hopeful parents to post "I can help" messages, or Internet addresses for birthmothers to visit, or to send this type of e-mail to birthmothers.

You can be banned for this type of post…and while none of the posts (with the exception of the one I just deleted) actually say this…many of the posts offer to provide support via email, which is also not permitted on the forum

For the protection of community members, do not solicit people to contact you privately, whether that service is free or paid, or contact people who have requested that you contact them privately. All assistance should be provided within the Community Websites.

In the past, we have had people, claiming to be both adoptive parents and birthparents “scam” members by asking them to contact them off forum.

In the interest of security, its just best to keep the support messages on the forum…for all involved.

[kathycasa]

Young mom,

You sound so inteeligent and mature in your posts. I am happy for you for your decision to try to parent. The only thing that concerned me in your post was you said Xavier wants to keep the child so I have to live up to Xavier. Please be careful not to do this just for him and trying to please him, because in the long run you may begin to resent him for not considering your feelings about possible placement. You can always place a child if it didn't work out, and Im sure that is just what you will do if you find it necessary. Again, talk things through with your boyfriend. Make sure you guys are on the same wavelegnth with this. AND Congrats and good luck. Keep us posted. Kathy

[Mary Anne Y]

Hello ,
Iam an reunited adoptee and a mom I had My first when i was 15 and by the time I had my 5th I was 22 Adoption never came in to my mind I feel If You are grow to play then you should be able to raise your children but that is me
You know that the birth fahter has to be open to adoption their is plenty of help for you out their yes you should finish school for open adoption somtimes they dont stay open the close the door on you just read some of the fourms..... Open adoption is open only if the afamily wants it that way Just keep in mind that the afamily can chang their minds to just how much thay want
Good luck

[tinksunshine524]

youngmomof3, if you choose to give your child up for adoption. i ust want you to know that it will not be bad. i am adopted and i am ok with it i just recently met my birth family and its is so exciting.my mothe past away 2 years after she had my little brother christopher of graves disease. but i just want you to know that if you do decide adoption your child will love you for eternity and know that you made the right decision. i know my mother did and i will love her forever. adoption isnt a bad thing.

[michellemartin]

Just wanted to throw in my thoughts. You can decide after bringing your new baby home also. There is no rule that says you have to place from the hospital. You can wait a few months, find a family if that is what you desire, get to know them even before placing your child. There are many ap's who are willing to accept an older child- just look at all the international adoptions- if you talk to a social worker or agency, DO NOT let them pressure you into choosing before you are ready. Its your choice to place or not, not theirs. If you do decide to talk to an agency/sworker, and they start to pressure you, you can always say you will find another agency to talk with if they keep up the behavior.