[Bella'sMomToBe]

I am definitely not demeaning anyone with this post...this is a serious question and I really would like to know the answer to this question:

Why do teenagers get pregnant?

I feel like I am surrounded by teenagers who get pregnant (as a teacher).

In addition, there is a teenage pregnancy epidemic in our family that has been going on for generations (grandparents, sister, niece, stepdaughter, husband's first wife, etc.) and I want it to stop.

I definitely don't want this to happen to my recently adopted daughter (birth mom was older) or any more of my nieces or students.....and it is only because I see so much potential being put out when this happens; so many lives being derailed.

To those of you who have had a teenage pregnancy and saw it through in however you chose, I commend you. I am so honored to be raising another person's child and do not think less of any teen that gets pregnant. I also understand how teenage pregnancy allows some people to adopt.

I am around so many teenagers on a daily basis. Is there anything I can do to help them understand the consequences of a teen pregnancy BEFORE it happens?

[Decision]

I cant answer for every teen, but I can answer for me.
I was fourteen when I had my son.
I have many reasons why I got pregnant.
my main one is "that will never happen to me".
Secondary to the fact that I was fighting through an identity crisis, believing that no one in the world would ever be with me forever, it dawned on me that the love I had for my mother was something I wanted for myself, the only way to create that was to have a child. I would lay in a field when I was seven months pregnant so very over-joyed at the fact that this little person moving around inside me would love me forever, I have journal filled with my young thoughts on how we would build our life together.
So yes it was about being needed, wanted and loved forever, knowing that this one little person will never leave you.
I work with teens in crisis, many of the young expectant mothers that come to me are pregnant for the same reasons, they dont feel they are loved, and they feel the only way to find this love is through motherhood.
Hugs
Melissa

[mj77]

I had thought about bringing up a similar thread as well. I am not a teen but when I was, had hoped and prayed to become pregnant. I don't want to get into my personal life too much here on the internet but will say I had wonderful parents, but they weren't perfect. I had an issue with self esteem from something that happended when I was a young teen.

I had people try to analize me suggesting that I was seeking attention from boys because I wasn't getting attention at home from my dad.

It was suggested I had low self-esteem

It was suggested I wanted a baby because I wanted someone to love me and need me.

It was said I wanted to grow up too fast.

I didn't want to believe any of these things were true because I thought I knew everything and no one understood what I was going through, needing or seeing in my life. The truth was in my case, my dad was absent (though physically there) but into his own projects and not that interested in us kids. I suppose I wanted attention from boys and felt I could keep a boyfriend by having a sexual relationship with them. As good of a life I thought I'd had having these kinds of relationships with guys, there was always something missing and it was like I felt more empty. I suppose the more I gave myself away, even in a relationship I was commited to, the less I felt about myself. As a young teen I did want a baby because I thought it would give me purpose in life. It would give me someone to hold and love who would look up to me and need me. I was wanting to grow up fast.

I was 16 when I met my now husband who was 17 at the time. I met someone I knew I would be with forever (I know I was only 16). This was the difference in me feeling empty and feeling fulfilled. When I was with my husband, I knew he was not going to leave me, or using me, that he was truly commited to me. I now am so glad I never got pregnant as a teen. I would've kept my baby and I wouldn't have met my dh.

I know other young ladies who had sex and really didn't care if they got pregnant. Some of them had abortions as thier birthcontrol (the pill was less convinient?). Some didn't believe pregnancy would happen to them. Some had babies because so-n-so had one and he/she was so cute (not to mention all the attention the young mom got. And everyone talking about her baby). Some felt like I did. Some did use protection, correctly or not, and became pregnant anyway. Sex makes babies.

I think many girls think they have self-esteem/self-worth and yet give themselves away so freely. They just don't care. One young lady in paticular just thought me and my aunt were telling her that she should respect her body and not just give it away to someone she is not married to because we were jealous of her! How rediculous. I don't know but I would really like to hear what others have to say about this topic.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I had my daughter when I was 18....its a little different because I was out of high school and my parent's house and had already been on my own for two years at the time.... but I certainly didnt get pregnant on purpose(condom--)!! LOL The funny thing is that adoption never even crossed my mind with her....probably for all of the reasons listed above.....

When I found out I was pregnant with my birthdaughter at 20 (Low dose pills shortly after a switch...) I threw the test across the room!! I knew what it took to be a parent then....but when things went sour with the birthfather, I knew that the best choice for myself and my daughter and my birthdaughter was adoption(there is so much more to the story...but I havent shared in a long time...) .... I dont think that I would have ever been in the mind set to consider adoption with my first daughter under any cirrcumstances.....(Note: I did NOT live off the state...the only aid i took was medical...I didnt even have WIC....just to show that it CAN be done!!!! )


But for the most part...I think I was about the whole low self esteem/unconditional love thing....not only when it comes to the child....but the father, too.... You know teenagers are naive and still have that fairytale love thing stuck in their head!!!! I know I did......

Christine

[mj77]

You are so right Christine. And I am glad you have been a responsible mom. My mom and dad were 18 when I was concieved. I know my mom wanted a baby (though she wont admit she got pregnant on purpose. She keeps quiet and blushes when I suggest I was planned and wink). My dad did NOT want to start a family as he was finishing high school still and had plans to go to college. They married anyway after I was born and have been married ever since. My dad feels to this day, having a family held him back so much in life but I don't really believe it. My mom felt fulfilled parenting. Had they waited to start their family they could have been better off financially (they too chose not to take any government support besides the type of loan they got initially for their house).

[GinnyBinny]

I don't know about why every teen pregnancy happens, but I know for me it was becuase I didnt think there was any chance I would have sex before marriage so I didnt think about protection and I didnt think about how I would face a situation where a guy was aksing me to have sex. I thought in the moment I would easily be able to say "NO". I had always said I was going to wait till marrieage. My mother would try to talk to me about sex and I would blow her off and say "you don't need to talk to me about it. I know I know" Well I didnt know. I didnt know that when your attracted to a guy your brain can turn to mush and you don't think very well. I had talked to my boyfriend when we first started dating and we both agreed we wanted to wait. I didnt think there would be a problem. I didnt know that while yeah when were just talking to each other we can think logically, but its a totally different story when your being all... "luvy duvy" .

In sex ed classes and sometimes with parents teens hear alot about STDs and teen pregnancy, but 1 teens can have that "it wont happen to me" attitude and 2 they may think "ok well I know for a fact this guy/girl has no STDs and I will use a condom" and then they think they can have sex. Just talking about abstinence and just talking about the potential of STDs and teen pregnancy is not enough. I think it is very important for parents to talk to their kids about more than that. They should talk to their kids about how to prepare themselves, talk to them about the potential feelings of regret if they have sex to early, talk to them about how sex can change everything in a relationship, talk to them about the emotianal side of sex. The problems is many teens have the attitude that they know and don't need to hear what you have to say about the subject so it can be difficult to get through to them. I know I thought I knew all I needed to know about sex. It took being pregnant at seventeen to finally realize I didnt know everything I needed to know about sex.

-Ginny

[spaypets]

I can't tell you why teenagers get pregnant but I can tell you why I DIDN'T get pregnant in high school.

I didn't get pregnant because I knew it would screw up my plans--I wanted to go to college and have a career.

I didn't get pregnant because it would have disappointed the two most important people in my life, my parents.

I didn't get pregnant because of lack of opportunity -- first, I was busy with activities--drama, swim team, newspaper. Second, my mom was home after school and knew where I was and who I was with. I had to be home right after whatever evening activity I was in -- no parking. I'm not saying I couldn't have had sex if I'd really tried, I'm just saying that there were fewer opportunities for it to "just happen."

I didn't get pregnant because it would have been shameful and embarassing.

I didn't get pregnant because I knew high school boyfriends rarely lasted past the first semester of college.

I didn't get pregnant because I knew about birth control, I knew that it was possible to get carried away in the heat of the moment.

Those were lessons my parents taught me--telling me how sad it was when a girl got pregnant, showing me the consequences, teaching me to think about the future.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I totally get your vibe!! Parents do need to take a more active role in educating! I think the trouble with teens, is that they may think on a different level as the adults..... many times parents think that they give teens everything they need, but the teen is still left wanting or having an emptiness...

You obviously had great parents that hit all the marks.....

My parents on the other hand liked to live out of a van and pick strawberries for a living along with illegal activities to supplement their income....it has been a soap opera since I was born...

I think there has to be a will inside of a child....but you never know what path they will take...I took the opposite road as my mother and she always thought that I thought I was better than her (when I graduated HS she was like...so now I guess you think you are better than me....) I took the abuse and grunt for everything..... but my sister on the other hand was spoiled and given everything that she could want (because she was accepting) and she followed in her footsteps and didnt graduate and fell into the same illegal activity hole. My brother she abandoned with his dad...and he is married with a little boy!! And she wonders why my sister is the only one who will have contact with her!?!?

There just isnt an easy answer because you can do everything right and things can turn out wrong....or you can do everything wrong and things can turn out fine!! I think there is just a fate for everyone......

[mj77]

I think things that my parents could've done to help prevent a pregnancy (I have never been pregnant though):

To know where I was, and who I was with.

Take an interest in me and what was going on in my life. Just them having a good relationship with me would have made me think twice about doing a lot of things I did. I wouldn't want to upset them if I knew I was accountable to them and they put their trust in me.

Talk with me about all my potentials and encourage me to live up to them.

Encourage me to get into more activities that would keep me busy and out of trouble.

Intervene when they say something just wasn't right with me.

Set consistant boundaries so I'd know what's expected of me and what freedoms I do have within those boundaries.

These are just some things that would've helped me. My husband took a health class and his school book has a chapter on STD's. I asked him not to sell the book back and keep it because it shows a picture of a penis covered with herpes. I do plan to have this book on hand while we talk with our boys about sex (if I feel I need to pull it out) and have it right along side of the current statistics of STD's. Herpes and genital warts can be transmitted even when a condom is used so hopefully it will make them thing long and hard before they let their hormones get the best of them. It is a pretty gross picture. I don't plan on sugar coating the realities of what the outcomes of sex can be, good and bad.. I plan on stressing the waiting until married part too. I am not nearly as shy as my parents were to talk about the big S-E-X.

[Xanny]

I think we need to educate our children about sex and safer sex options BEFORE they are teenagers and tempted. I also think we need to educate them about making choices and taking responsibility. A person who feels in control of his/her life is more likely to be able to say no to sex, to drugs, to alcohol, and more likely to use protection if he/she does have sex.

As a teacher, I've noticed that children seem to take less responsibility for their actions, and they're learning that from their parents. We need to lead by example as well as explaining as well as holding our children responsible for their actions. A child who understands that he must clean up the mess he makes when he is 4 is on the way to understanding that he must make responsible choices about sex when he is 16 (or 50, for that matter).

Xanny

[mj77]

Well said Xanny. I think Spaypets had some excellent examples for us of a healthy teenage mindset. I agree we as parents need to be appropriate role models for our children. I think sex ed in schools is all well and good but should be balanced with more talk of abstainence. I know of many people (guys in peticular) who felt they needed to be having sex as teenagers because that's what other guys were talking about and some girls for that matter. It really is okay to wait, and have some self respect in that. They need to know that you have a lot less to loose by waiting. There are so many other complicated things about being a teenager that throwing a sexual relationship in the mix can be potentially devistating.

My heart aches for these really young mommies. I wasn't even all that interested in sex as a pre-teen, young teen (though really wanted a baby). Now I see more than enough girls having babies when they themselves haven't even fully matured! I would love to hear from some of these young ladies why they chose to become mommies so young or how they really feel about sex. I know sex is enjoyable but honestly I didn't find it to be as good as it is supposed to be until after I was married. Maybe it was because I carried guilt that what I was doing wasn't right? Maybe I was just too young to understand all of what was involved in a relationship, or maybe it was because I wasn't commited for life to any of the guys I was with and had a fear of loosing them (though I usually broke it off before that point).

[vicrose]

I agree that we all need to educate our children about the consequences of teen sex. And so I for one, have decided to talk to my teenager5s at every opportunity. I made my son watch the Dr. Phil specials with Alex and her family...he said come on Mom...I'm not going to get anyone pregnant....so why do I have to watch this show..I said "Son, you sometimes forget to change your underwear in the morning before school...could you imagine if you forget to put a condom on...you need to think that a pregnancy...or worse yet...HIV or an STD could happen to you!!!" He shut up, and watched the show!!!! My birthmom was 16 when she got pregnant, and 17 when she gave birth to me....I can't imagine how alone and scared she was....and my birthfather was 18 at the time of my birth...so I know that when I was a teenager, I kept myself busy with every sports team that would have me...and I joined every club I could...I had a lot of free time on my hands as a teenager...but I always had it in my mind that I was NOT going to get pregnant...because I always had the thought of my own birthmother. Parents, talk to your kids, tell them that they are special...tell them that you love them, and tell them no matter what...you'll always be there to talk to them!!!! Keep your kids busy, and TRY to know where they are at any moment....staying on top of your kids doesn't mean that you don't trust them...it just means that you want to keep them safe!!!! Hugs, Brenda

[philynn94]

Spaypets, your parents sound awesome! Wish mine would have been more like them. I got pregnant at 14, definately not on purpose. i got pregnant for the same reason a lot of adults get that way. STUPIDITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unprotected sex. I had that attitude that it would never happen to me because I was untouchable. My son is almost 14 now, I hope that he will learn from my life. I don't want to say mistakes because I feel I would be calling him a mistake. I love my sons, all 3 of them, I just wish I could have had a little more time to grow up myself before I started having babies.
Now we are waiting for our little girl to find her way to us! So sometimes things do work out after all.

[Volfe]

Teens are invincible!!

Or, well, they think they are ;-)

That's how I got pregnant at 17.
Well, sex, drinking & high fertility helped.

~ Maia

[Kindreds]

Is the question about teen pregnancy or teen sex. Most teens are having sex and some do get pregnant. Some get pregnant with failed contraception, some get pregnant because no contraception was used. The teens not using contraception when contraception is so readily available is a big mystery to me.

If there was available contraception in the 60's most of the 3o somenting adoptees living today would not be walking on this earth I do believe.

Some people are just very fertile. I had several friends in the 60's having unprotected sex - they never became unwed moms and actually they went on to be childless as well.