[AlansAngel]

Do you think that 17 is to young to get married? Me and my boyfriend want to get married. He asked me and I told him yes. But we don't know how to tell our families. Any ideas?

***Alan's Angel***

[mamatokay]

AlansAngel,
I would really take the time to make sure this is right. I know at 17 you really believe that you know what love is, and I can attest to the fact you can have a great marriage!! My husband was 18 and I was 16 when we got married, 32 years ago!. BUT, this is a different time and so many people go into marriage with the idea if we don't get along we can get divorced. Marriage is a lifetime committment, it takes constantly working, I know most people say it is a 50/50 proposition, but let me tell you from experience, it is a 100/100. It takes both of you wanting and willing to make this relationship work.

I am not saying that we never had problems. My God, we had so many that after about 10 years we really considered divorce. But at that time we had a 7 year old son, and we decided to try to make it work. We still had another 10 years of hard times, but after we had been married 20 years we both committed our lives to the Lord, and the difference it has made is incredible. As I said, we will be married 32 years this summer.

Yes you can really know what love is at 17, but "love" is not enough to keep a marriage together. If you both decide this is what you want, I would suggest that you get into counselling first to make sure you really know all about marriage. Find a good Pastor or Minister to talk with first.

Just my 2 cents...

~Carol~

[reneetaylor]

Hey AlansAngel- I can say from my personal experience that I would wait, wait, wait. I started dating ex-husband when I was 17 and got married at 19. We were together for over 10 yrs and had a 2 yr old daughter when I left. Looking back, I can see that we should never have gotten married without spending more time with each other and pursuing some of our individual dreams first. I should have listened to everyone's well intended advise and most of all, I should have listened to that little voice inside my head that said "WAIT!".

If you are questioning this then you need to wait. Be your own person and establish yourself as an individual before you commit yourself to a marriage. You have plenty of time to get married, and if it is meant to be, then it will work out 5 yrs from now or 10 yrs from now, etc. Marriage is hard and takes 100%, as mamatokay said in her post. Divorce is even harder!

Renee

[red7267]

My husband and I have been together sense we were 15 we got married at 17 and our still together at 28..am i saying its the right thing to do NO...there has been some rough times and lot of good times as well...its not all play house and in our case i picture us being together when we are old sititng on the front porch watching our great granchildren play. I love my husband with all my heart and soul but if i had it to do over again i would have waited whats the rush you can still be together and not be married...Just my 2 cents....

[AlansAngel]

Its not that I'm questioning it. We are afraid to tell our parents. I love him so much and he loves me. We have to be apart for 3 months and it has not even been 1 and its killing us both. He means the world to me and I want to be with him for the rest of my life and he tells me he wants the same. I just don't know how and when to tell my mom.

[reneetaylor]

You are so young! I know that the emotions and feelings you have now seem so intense and permanent, but there is more to think about than just being with each other. What about college for the both of you? Who is going to work to bring in money to support you both? How are you going to put a roof over your heads and food on the table and buy clothes, health insurance, a car, car insurance, untilities, etc. etc. etc. the list goes on and on. Have you guys sat down and worked up a budget and actually looked at the numbers of how you are going to make it work? And I don't mean by barely scrapping by, I mean to really be happy and provided for.

I'm not trying to say that it is impossible, but I'm just saying to look at all the angles. I made it a point to put myself through college after getting married, but that was only because I busted my tail to be independent and self-sufficent. If you and your boyfriend are both the same age, I'd just recommend waiting until you get educated so that you can take care of yourself in the event that things don't work out between you two. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic, just realistic.

Be someone who your children and your parents can be proud of. Make sure that you are getting married because you want to, NOT because you NEED to in order feel complete and be a part of a couple. When I got re-married, it was because I wanted him in my life...not that I needed him to live or survive day to day, but because I just knew that he made me happy and would be a great partner. I pray that you will make the right decision and do what you know in your heart is the correct thing.

Good luck,

Renee

[cheezestix101]

I got engaged at 17 and married at 19. My husband and I have been married almost 2 years and its great but the first year was HORRIBLE (well not the whole year but most of it) starting about 9 weeks before the wedding we started having alot of things with health issues (I almost died in a car wreck) his aunt almost died 2 times right after we got married my grandma had a stroke and the list just goes on. I always was against divorce but one day I was actualy going to file but someone butted in and my car broke down LOL things started getting better but we had to work at it.

I am glad I got married when I did Im just saying its HARD. Just because your boyfriend has proposed it does not mean you need to run out and get married tomorrow. How long have you guys been together? My husband and I got engaged right after we met but I would never have married him that soon. We were engaged for 2 years and have been married almost 2 (together almost 4) and just bought a house together.

I think it is VERY important to be able to either provide for yourself or have a plan so you could provide for yourself if needed. Like I was in college when I got married and finished a year ago and even though my job sucks and I dont make hardly anything (working on that one) I could support myself if I needed to.

Also you need to make sure you have the same goals in life and want the same types of things. I dont mean that you have to both want exactly the same things but you need to be on the same wavelength.

About letting your parents know just let them know you want to get married. You may want to wait until you turn 18 though. With my grandma and my husbands parents it was different they knew from the begining that we would be getting married.

You are welcome to email me, bjandryan@msn.com

[Sharon]

Alan's Angel, I married at 17. I had been living with my husband since I was 15. We had a child and placed him for adoption, later married and had another child who we kept and raised. The marriage did not last very long; we divorced at 21. We both remarried and now share custody of our son. I think 17 is young to marry. I believed we were in love at the time, we had already been through some hard times together, and I will always remain close friends with my first husband. But I think most teenage marriages are doomed to failure because you will both continue to grow and change and you will not be the same people five or ten years from now that you are today. Of course this is true for people of any age but it seems MORE true for teenagers and very young adults. If you marry your boyfriend now, you may wake up five years from now and find that you're married to a stranger, somebody you don't know at all and can't relate to. At seventeen, you and your boyfriend have not yet discovered your adult selves. Once you do, you may find that the adults you grow into are simply not compatible. Why not hold off on marriage and simply be boyfriend/ girlfriend for awhile? I remember your earlier post where you said you were pregnant and considering adoption. I assume that you are now considering marrying and keeping your baby. Please don't feel that it's essential that you get married in order to keep your baby (this is the mistake I made). You can both be parents to your baby whether you marry right now or not. Being married will not make you better parents, or make parenting any easier. However, the experience of parenting together may help you decide whether your boyfriend is truly someone you can count on and someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck. Sincerely, Sharon

[cheezestix101]

Sharon you may want to go reread that post if we are talking about the same one that is over on the teen pregnancy board because SHE did not mention adoption at all. She said she wanted to be the mother of her boyfriends kids.

[mommeof1]

Please wait. I am only 17. I have a 9 month old son and a husband. We were just married February 21 2004. Not that anything is going bad for us but i believe you should wait. Trust me girl, LOVE is not what holds a relationship together. It takes alot of trust. Money can also be a HUGE factor in wether or not it works. Sit down, write what you think your living expnses would be and then add about $200 to that. ($200 is for emergencys or whatever may come up) Dont forget gas, insurance, grocerys etc. Also do you both share the same interest??? Do you both want kids? There are tons of things to think about. HOW LONG HAVE YOU TWO BEEN DATING???

[tinytots]

hi,
i agree with mommeof1.weigh your options.has he ever cheated on you? can you thrust him? then, once married do you have the money for a place?you dont want to get married and then live with either your parents or his parents.discuss plans as far as working if you wanted to go to college.money is stressful on any relationship young or old. and alot of times we assume how things will be with out discussing them then when they dont work we cannt handle it. good luck!!!!!

[Lindsie]

I think you need to wait a little longer. If you are concerned about your parents' reaction then perhaps think about why their reaction may be negative... would it be becasue they want you to finish high school? would it be becasue they want you both to be financially stable before having to find a house to live in? Would they want you to have an opportunity to go to college, travel overseas etc. I'm not saying that you can't after you are married, but after you are, your priorities have to change from doing what you as an individual wants to do to what you as one half of a marriage wants to do. I agree with mommeof1 re financial matters... even when you are convinced that you have allowed enough money for everything, you never have.

I have been with my partner since I was 18 and we are still together and very happy, but sometimes it is very hard, especially with finishing college, entering the workforce, buying a house. Maybe you should attend some pre-marriage counselling as it can be really great for finding out if you are compatable long term. Most pre-marriage counselling covers stuff like attitudes about money, raising kids even how you spend free time.

Is there any reason that you can have a REALLY long engagement, say until you are 21 or something? that way you should have a pretty good idea of the way that things will be in the future while giving yourselves the opportunity to enjoy being a teenager!

[SommerShade]

AlansAngel,

I was married at an early age and after having four children found myself in divorce court. It was very hard, both financially and mentally. I don't think that at the age of 18 and 19 we knew what love was..lust yes, love no. I would never trade my children for anything and Adoption or Abortion was not an option for me. I think that the best things that cam e out of my marrage was that I learned that if you really love some one, being apart will make that love grow stronger, and of course, my children.
It all goes back to the old saying...."if you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it was ment to be"...
I think that because you are both wondering how to tell your parents that you should wait. If you were not wondering and knew how to do so, then I would say that maybe you both were ready to take that oath. If you have to doubt on how to tell your parents, then you are coubting your secision to be married. Like I said, being apart will make the love grow and answer many questions on waether your marriage will survive. Don't become a statistic...divorced and ust tryingt o make ends meet for one reason or another...

[MeggieC]

Oh wow! Marriage is a BIG step. Is 17 too young? Depends on who you talk to, I guess. My parents were married not long after my mom turned 18 (approx. 2 months--not because she was pregnant, but because it was the 70's and they could). They've been married almost 30 years now. I'm 23 and I got married in October. Nothing anyone ever told me could have prepared me for marriage.

There are a lot of things to consider. Most importantly, decide why you want to marry this person. When I found out I was pregnant, I was 19 and my first thought was to marry the father. Boy, am I glad I didn't do that. It doesn't solve anything. In fact, it probably would have made things worse between us. At the time, though, I believed that I was desperately in love with him. Then, when things started going bad, someone said something to me that has always stuck with me. My adoption attorney said, Boy, if I'd married the boy I was dating when I was 19, I would be alot worse off.

It's just that the idea that you love somebody and the trauma of discovering you're pregnant (not sure if this is your situation or not), can tend to blind you to things that others can see obviously. I can't tell you how many times my parents, my best friend, and my other friends tried to convince me that this guy was no good, and I was too stubborn to listen.

Secondly, marriage is WORK. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Married people argue about stupid stuff, the same way that people who are dating argue about stupid stuff. That doesn't change. However, the topics of arguments can change. Before you were arguing over who was going to drive, now you're arguing about money, the in-laws, where you're going to spend Christmas, etc.

Thirdly, a leopard doesn't change his spots. Those little annoying habits of his, like the fact that he sleeps until noon on Saturday, or how he comes home and parks himself on the couch and doesn't move until he goes to bed, those don't miraculously disappear. I've been discussing this same thing with my best friend who is having communication issues with her fiance. He doesn't listen to her, and when he does he accuses her of nagging. Unless he wants to change, he won't.

Most importantly, marry this guy for the right reasons. There are tons of people who get married every year at your age and go on to live together happily for the rest of their lives, and there are equally as many who don't make it. Marry him because you love him and you know you love him--not because you're pregnant and scared. You wouldn't be the first girl to have a baby out of wedlock and it's not the end of the world. Besides, there's nothing wrong with waiting a little while if you're not sure that you really love this guy, and the mere fact that you're asking is an indication that you're thinking beyond the next six months of your life. You, as a person, will change sooooo much in the next few years and so will he, whether there's a baby or not (I'm sure you've heard that a million times). There is nothing better in life than having the love of another person that is equal to the love you feel for them.

[SweetPrincess19]

Hey, i'm 19 and got married in May (i was 18). Honestly i think it depends on how long you and your b/f have been together, and how well you know eachother. My husband and i were together since the 7th grade, and were best friends, but we did have TONS of problems. Eventually we worked out our diffrences, and we got married. I'm happy. I told my parents we were engaged, and they were not too worried about me getting married b/c they didn't think it would happen...but it did. hehe. Now we're having a baby, and i just graduated high school. He joined the air force, everythings going well. I think its up to you, b/c you know how well yall get along, and you know in your heart if yall should be together or not. talk to you later,
Lizz