[judyg]

I am just going to throw this out there because I cannot talk to anyone about this in my family and all my friends know i am pregnant but they don't know who the guy is.

I was seeing a man secretly who was married. we met when i snuck into a bar and I didn't find out he was married until i found his phone number (long story) and a lady answered. I thought he was single. He just said he was out of town a lot because he is a corporate vp or something. so I told him that i just found out i was pregnant and he confessed about being married, he told me before he was not able to have children nad we didn't use anything.

so now i am having a baby with him and he is married and he thought he couldn't have children and I don't know what to do! he told me that his wife would never understand if he told her and that they are infertile, he thought they couldn't have kids so now he told me that he could take care of the baby without me.

is this legal? I love him but i didn't know he was married. now what do I do? Do i call the house and tell his wife???? i am pretty mad at him.

[Sharon]

If the baby is indeed his, paternity can be proven with a DNA test after the child is born. At that point, he will be required to pay you child support. You should contact Legal Aid now to get this process started. It is not necessary that you have further contact with this man or his wife. Your attorney will take care of all the details. Hope this helps, Sincerely, Sharon

[judyg]

he IS THE FATHER. I just don't want him to take the baby away because he is the father and makes more money than me and is married.

This doesn't make any sense to me. I don't think that his wife would be very happy about it and I can't believe that she would want t o raise a baby that is his but not hers. I just don't know what i am doing. he said if there is a dna test that it will cause his wife to leave him so I can't do that. he said the best thing would be for him to take the baby and then i could still see the baby and then he wouldn't have to go through a divorce.

[mamasaid]

i am really sorry you are going through this. I am not even about to go into my suspicions about this whole scenario. wow.

do you want to parent? are you wanting to be a family with this guy? I find it kind of bad news for him to lie to you about not being married, (when he is), and then telling you he can take care of the baby (even though his wife doesn't know???).... I am confused but I hope it all works out for you.

[Sharon]

I'm not trying to upset you. But you CAN demand a DNA test. His marriage is not your concern. You have to take care of yourself and your baby. It is important to your financial security and to your baby's future that paternity is established as soon as possible. How, may I ask, does he intend to adopt or take custody of this baby without his wife finding out he is the father? I understand that you love him, but from what you've told me about his actions, he does not love you, or at least he is not acting in your best interest. You need advice and support to make the difficult decisions you are now being faced with. Please contact your local branch of Legal Aid and speak with an attorney. Please seek counseling as well. There is free and confidential counseling available. Look in the phone book, call your local Department of Health and Human Sevices, and ask them to refer you to someone. This man is NOT CONCERNED with your well-being, or your child's well-being. I know this is hard to accept, but what you've told me leaves no room for doubt. You must seek advice elsewhere. You need an advocate, someone nuetral and unbiased who can advise and support you and act in YOUR best interest. I have one further question, and if I'm getting too personal, you don't need to answer: Are you an adult, or are you a minor? Because if you are under eighteen, then this man is guilty of statutory rape, which is a crime. Even if you are an adult, there is no possibility that he can prove you unfit and take your baby away. It would be obvious to any court that HE is the one who is unfit, and I'm sure he knows this and would never even attempt to take the matter before a judge. I beg you, please stop protecting and making excuses for this person and start protecting yourself and your child. If you need assistance of any kind, please e-mail me at chorizocat@hotmail.com and I will attempt to help you. I can at least refer you to organizations in your area that can help. It breaks my heart to hear you are so frightened and alone. Best of luck to you, and please, let me know if I can help. Sincerely, Sharon

[mamasaid]

I couldn't have said it better!

judyg, i don't know what your parents are like but I think you should tell them before you get too far along or before this gets to be too much for your to handle (sounds like it is already). I wouldn't display it to the world that you are having a baby with a marrried man, but he sounds like he is trying to control the situation and your parents may be able to protect you and i think you should tell them about this guy and what he is thinking you should do as far as protecting HIM.

[Flick]

this is an interesting way to conceive. perhaps you could pretend to be a stranger giving your baby up for adoption and then meet his wife and become friends. how did you not know he was married?

[Sharon]

Flick, they met at a bar. He lied to her and said he was single. She thought he was a corporate VP and had to be out of town a lot. She found out he was married when she called his house one day, and his wife answered. All of this is in the original post. Sincerely, Sharon

[sweetnoodle]

Please, please listen to Sharon. I have a relative who's life has been hell because she tried to work things out with the father of her child. You have to think of you and the child's future without putting him first. Get a lawyer/legal aid and pursue your future. Please, please listen to Sharon's advice!

[mamasaid]

yes, please listen to sweetnoodle who thinks sharon knows where it is at. please...not only that, but tell your parents.

[tammy123]

re: married

I agree totally with Sharon. You have to watch out for you and your child's best interest. The father is legally liable to pay child support, and if you are under 18, he is responsible for more. Do not be ashamed to get legal help or talk to your family. If you have understanding parents they will want to be there for you and the baby.

It is the father's problem if his wife wants a divorce. He made the decision to sleep with someone else (possibly a minor). It was his idea not to use any protection. One of the first fertility tests for a couple is checking the sperm count to rule out any problems with the wife; since the procedures for women's infertility is more evasive and expensive. Please keep in mind he hasn't been totally honest with you, before looking out for his feelings and pocketbook.

The judicial system is on your side. Although we know the baby is his, it is a formality to get a DNA test. That is protection for you and the baby.

You are in my prayers.

Tammy

P.S. Please keep us posted. We are all concerned about you.

[MomTo1]

Judy....

You need to stop all the secrets and tell someone. This man sounds like he is taking advantage of you and your situation. I would not trust him as far as I could throw him!!!

Since he is the daddy, and if you should choose to parent this child, then he will have to pay child support big time to you!

Know your rights and please tell someone who can help you. It's a scarey world out there. Be careful!