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  #1  
Old 07-23-2011, 12:50 AM
PolkaDotandPinStripe PolkaDotandPinStripe is offline
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Does anyone know how to relinquish a child you adopted from the Ukraine?

My best friend adopted twins three years ago from the Ukraine. They are both eleven now and will be twelve in January. One twin is doing well but the other is not. She hurts the animals and bullies other kids at school. She has only bonded with her adoptive father. She is fluent in English and completely healthy. Does anyone know where we can place her for adoption? The family is certain this is the best for all involved. Thanks for any advice in advance.
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  #2  
Old 08-01-2011, 07:41 PM
Coops Coops is offline
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Ukraine is an independent nation, there is no "the" in front of it.

Your friend needs to speak with a social worker, or perhaps contact the agency she used (if any) to steer her toward the proper resources for getting her child, and the rest of her family, some help.

Last edited by Coops : 08-01-2011 at 07:45 PM.
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  #3  
Old 08-02-2011, 10:02 AM
Oldmama Oldmama is offline
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Just curious as to why your friend is not posting this question?

Can't relate to difficulties with adopted children, but CAN relate to difficulties with a pre adolesent or adolesent. I also have several years of experience professionally in the mental health field. The hurting animals and problems with kids at school MUST be addressed. However, shipping her back will not solve that problem for her. How much time has your friend invested in therapies for her daughter? The thing that stood out for me is that the little girl has bonded with the father. Therefore, she CAN bond. To rip her away from the father she has bonded with and send her back to a country ill equipt to deal with her particular issues is a death sentence.

I am not trying to judge....I have been pushed to the brink. I get it. But a possible solution here is for your friend to change her expectations. Possibly there will NEVER be a close (or any for that matter) bond between herself and this child. Or maybe that bond and relationship will come as the child becomes an adult. Maybe she could be ok with that, deal with the negative behaviors and allow that child to remain here with the man she has bonded with. Just a thought.
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Old 08-03-2011, 12:34 PM
PolkaDotandPinStripe PolkaDotandPinStripe is offline
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My friend is not the one posting because she is suffering from extreme duress/depression from the stress of placing her daughter for re-adoption. She already had the whole family in therapy for the last three years. I don't know why "oldmama" thought she would be sent back to Ukraine. By the way, who cares if there is a "the" in front of Ukraine? Talk about missing the point of the post. We are looking for help, not nit picky judgement. My friend will never allow her daughter to come home again. She is done. The girl will live separately with her father until he decides he is ok with placing her with a new family.
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Old 08-03-2011, 06:26 PM
DianeS DianeS is offline
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You might want to post this over in the Special Needs Adoption area. The folks over there have a TON of experience in the most difficult behaviors children can display - including behaviors that make it impossible for the child to live at home.

To the best of my knowledge, the legalities about seeking a new family or an out-of-home placement for a child do not vary with where the child came from. (Although funding options may vary.) So the country-specific boards aren't going to be as much help as the boards with parents strugging with similar issues. They may not see this post in this location, so I'd repost it over in Special Needs if I were you.

Hope that helps!
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  #6  
Old 08-04-2011, 05:33 AM
Oldmama Oldmama is offline
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I assumed that placing the child back with their first country was a option because I swear I read a post similar to this before. Possibly I got confused...but I am sure it was someone posting for their best friend who wanted to return their daughter. I find it unusual that a friend would be posting such a personal story...so it stuck out to me.

I am not sure how it works, but it seems to me that this would work no differently than if a parent in the US did not want to parent their biological child any longer. Wouldn't social services be a resource to place the child in foster care? But you say that the father still wants to parent the child? Not sure social services would touch this untill both parents have reached the same decision. What a difficult situation for all involved.

You say they were in family therapy? While that is certianly commendable...you did not mention if the girl was in any individual therapy. It sounds like intensive individual therapy would be a must for this little girl. Being a bully at school is not too hard to figure out...and not too hard to work on actually. However, hurting animals is a huge issue and individual therapy may have a bigger impact. What about medicaitons? I am aware that there is quite a bit of controversy about using medications on children/adolescents.....but possibly a doctor should evaluate her and her family can weigh the risks VS benefits.

You say your friend is done at this point. However you also talk about her depression. Is she getting help for that? It is never a good idea to make such a big and permenant decision while struggling with depression. Possibly a respite situation while she gets help and her and her husband work on Their family before reintroducing the little girl is a option?

I will pray for them.
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  #7  
Old 08-04-2011, 06:12 AM
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It is very likely that this child suffers from RAD. Until you have tried to parent a child like this I cannot explain to you how difficult it is. I have friends that are close that would post something like this for me if I needed them to.
Giving a child to foster care is not as easy as it sounds. For one thing foster care and lots of homes could make the child worse. Also they will often charge the parents with neglect if they try to give the child up and if they don't they are likely to charge child support and to charge the parents for treatment for the child and sometimes they charge huge amounts that the parents can't pay. There are adoptive parents out there that specialize in children with issues, the hard part is finding them. There is a group called chask that may be able to help.
Sometimes the agency you used to adopt will help, but often they will not. The child is a US citizen so she should not be sent back to Ukraine. I agree with posting on the special needs board, someone there maybe be able to give you resources. Also check some adoption support groups, some of them may have information on finding other parents who might be willing to adopt this child. I know many people who have adopted children that were first adopted by other parents who were unable to handle the child's needs. Basically it would be done as a private adoption, the first family would relinquish parental rights and the new family would adopt. The new family would need to get a homestudy and do everything any other adoptive parent would need. They would also need to hire a lawyer unless they used an agency.
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  #8  
Old 08-04-2011, 07:08 AM
Oldmama Oldmama is offline
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I wasn't trying to say there was anything wrong with her posting for a friend....just that it was unusual and why I probably confused this with another post about sending the girl back to their first country.

She just sounds desperate and said the mother is finished and now the family is seperated. I assumed she was asking for ideas on the quickest solution possible. Sounds like a very diffucult and heartbreaking situation.

I have not raised a child with RAD...but I do have a brother (adopted/cousin) who I was raised with that most certianly had/has this disorder. Was not diagnosed at that time as far as I know...but looking back there is no doubt. I do understand, I wouldn't even want to get into the horrors my parents went through. The raised him to adulthood and now he is an adult that lives in a group home. Their relationship with him is much better now, and they do not regret anything.

I also have been through years of difficulty with my daughter. Not RAD....but went through things that pushed our family to the limit and I was up against a wall more than once. I really do understand. Just kept waking up the next day and starting over. Now she is a delightful young woman who absolutely marches to her own drummer.

That said, the one thing I know for sure is that no situation is the same...what works for one does not work for another...and we all have to do what is best for us and for our family. I feel terrible for their family and how they have been split. My parents marriage went through the hardest time of their lives for a few years there. My heart breaks for the little girl because she is so broken and she never asked for any of this. I know my brother/cousin was terrible abused and it will follow him forever. He was an innocent baby when he was born and had no control over what happened to him. So unbelievably sad. I know my adopted brothers sister is fine (adopted by another family member when their parents dropped them off at a social services office and said they could not be parents anymore). But, she was not abused....my brother was the target unfortunatly. That happens all the time in an abusive situation.

I mentioned respite care because that saved our family when I was growing up and we were dealing with this as a family.
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  #9  
Old 08-04-2011, 07:18 AM
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Respite may be something that will help, the state won't pay for it, but if she calls there may be a theraputic foster parent who is willing to do respite for her for a fee. It would be worth calling. I think it's very likely that this child is triangulating the parents, very common among rad kids, trying to turn one against the other. Usually the mother is the target of all the anger. It's very likely she is not really attached to the father but using him, pretending to be attached to him.
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  #10  
Old 08-04-2011, 10:49 AM
Oldmama Oldmama is offline
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I agree 100% about the parent splitting behavior. I watched my adopted brother do that extensively. It is normal teen behavior magnified significantly! No different than I have to do at work with Psychiatric patients who staff split.

My brother did/is closely bonded with my father (my dad is the bio fathers brother so there is a resemblance as well)...no using or faking. And has never fully trusted (although I believe he wants to), my mother. She was his target. History is his mother abused him and his father was an alcoholic who was always in too much of a stupor to have a clue what was going on. My brother did not see him as the threat.

What worked for my parents is to learn to identify and head off the parent splitting behavior. This required total commitment and consistancy on their part.

Second was the respite care. Because they adopted him out of the system here they did have help with respite. But they also found other things that my brother looked forward to and his life was richer and more balanced. Things such as summer camp for troubled youth..my parents planned financially for this all year. These respite times throughout the year gave us time to reconnect as a family, take stress free vacations etc... Sounds kind of selfish I guess, but this is a big job to take on and there is no sense in being a marter (sp?). That helps nobody. The idea of a theraputic foster home is fantastic. I have friends (both Psychiatric nurses) who do this and they do a wonderful job. If a child were sick physically resources would be found. This is just a different kind of sick. As you can probably tell...I am a mental health advocate.

And lastly, and probably the hardest for my mother, was to lower expectations regarding what her relationship was to be with my brother. This was so difficult for her. She loved him, and had been part of the family trying to get social services involved for years to help these kids. By the time they were finally abandoned, my brother was so messed up. So, they all just did the best they could.
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  #11  
Old 08-04-2011, 12:33 PM
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I am very sorry to hear of this failed adoption. Yahoo has some good groups for disruption. Go to Yahoo groups and key in adoption disruption and you will find many. You do need to register to post and read there.

These people have all been through something similiar. They can put your friend and her husband in touch with people looking to adopt from disruption. Many of these parents are familiar with RAD as they have parented children with similiar issues. They can also help direct you/ her to respite situations. Many also have experience with disruption from international adoptions and can advise her as to what her next steps need to be.

Please go to one of these forums and pose the question. Thank you for supporting her and her family during this time. The mother may not be in a place where she can do this right now. I'm happy you are able to and willing to help them. Ultimately, she and her DH will need to be the ones to drive this, but by doing some legwork for her perhaps you can show her she is not alone.

All the best,
Christina
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Old 03-09-2012, 08:59 PM
Denise63 Denise63 is offline
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We have a friend that has a biological daughter and adopted son from Ukraine. Their adopted son's extremely bad behavior including trying to burn down their house and other dangerous activities caused them to place him in a therapeutic boarding school. He will never be able to come home or live independently, but the family does visit him at the school. This is one way to handle the situation. I read recently about an adoption agency that specializes in re-homing.
As for myself, I could never relinquish my child adopted or not. Not being in the situation, I could not judge. I will try to get the information about the re-homing agency.
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