[TheDMan]

My wife and I are in the process of maybe adopting a 5 year old little girl from Ukraine. She was adopted by a couple in the US, but they are wanting to give her up. She was 4 when she was adopted from a baby house. The amom said that the baby house was really nice and I've seen pictures but can't really tell much about the place. I've been under the impression that Ukraine orphanages were pretty bad places. Are there any such things as "nice" baby houses?

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by TheDMan

My wife and I are in the process of maybe adopting a 5 year old little girl from Ukraine. She was adopted by a couple in the US, but they are wanting to give her up. She was 4 when she was adopted from a baby house. The amom said that the baby house was really nice and I've seen pictures but can't really tell much about the place. I've been under the impression that Ukraine orphanages were pretty bad places. Are there any such things as "nice" baby houses?

I guess I would be surprised to hear that there were 'nice' baby houses, but I suppose anything is possible right??? My parents recently adopted 2 16-year-olds from Odessa and their stories of what is acceptable there are just horrific. They were especially bad if you were different at all; my brother is gypsy. They are both attachment disordered too.

[Drywall]

D Man...I read your post re dwarfism and your interest in adopting a child with those same recessive genes...I have some concerns in regards to the childs story as posted.

If the child was adopted, why do the parents want to give her up? It appears that somewhere there is a hidden cloud or agenda in regards to this childs adoption.

You have offered to pay for a psyche evaluation...he who pays for the evaluation is the individual who gets the reports...as well as any recommendations that are a result of the evaluation.

Secondly, as prospective adoptive parents to a child in which you have an interest, you have a right to know all the medical details concerning that childs health, prior to the adoption.

There are childrens hospitals and medical schools around the country who treat this condition and are familiar with the outcome. They may be able to offer advice and provide information on available resources to parents with the type of dwarfism you have. Many have a social worker on board who may also be able to provide some resources.

You and your wife are interested in starting your family and are willing to make a long term commitment to that child...if you are not satisfied or believe there is a hidden agenda, or the adoption will be under a cloud, perhaps serious consideration should be given to another child.

I wish you the best.

[Max'smom]

Hi,

Good and bad are relative terms. Their meaning depends on what they are comparing the baby house to. Even the public schools in Ukraine are more authoritarian places than the schools here, and so Ukrainian kids who are not adopted often have some adjustment problems when they move to the US after going to school in Ukraine. But some baby houses are well run.

Baby homes do sometimes include kids up to age 4, so the amom may be telling you the truth. Here is a story about a baby house that includes some photos to give you an idea of what a reasonably good one look like:
The Zaporozhye Baby's home “Sun” ("Solnishko") :: Zaporozhzhya orphans. Ukraine.

Some kids in baby house do get good and loving care. My experience is that the conditions vary considerably. Your prospective child is lucky that s/he was still in the Baby home, as it is my understanding that a lot of the abuse and trauma they suffer results from older boys hurting them in the children's homes where kids go after the baby house phase (think Lord of the Flies). People also sometimes mention that caregivers say inappropriate things (although the things I have heard all sound consistent with what the same caregivers probably say to their own kids, a lot of them just come from a culture of fear that arose in the Soviet times when human rights and civil liberties were nonexistent).

The situation you are describing (I read other posts) sets off alarm bells for me. The a-mom is behaving in a way that makes me not trust her. So proceed with caution, and resist any pressure you may be under.

Although you have a personal reason why this child seems potentially right, you did have your heart set on adopting an infant, and this child will never be an infant again; you wouldn't want to later consider this child a "mistake" as that has already happened to this little one and I am sure sad to hear that. Also, remember that the baby house may have been a loving place, but whatever has happened in the US may have been a strain for your prospective child and may itself have caused damage.

Finally, don't jump into this without thinking through the consequences. You sound like newlyweds (I read your other posts because they were referred to above). You don't as far as I can tell have a completed home study and you haven't done the kind of mental work that can prepare a person for a potentially difficult transition with a child who is post-institutional and post-disruption. Listen to not only your heart but also your head and take all the advice you can get from people who have adopted children from Ukraine and or Russia, particularly post-disruption. You need to hear about their experiences before you figure out if this is something you and your spouse are ready to do.