[soon2adopt#2]

I just got done reading a bunch of post on transracial adoption and I now feel really in the dark. My husband and I are both Caucasion and we adopted our second son (African american) 3 months ago. We also have a 3 year old son (caucasion) whom is also adopted. We love them both with ALL our hearts. We have very supportive families and friends and comunity that also love them very much. But is this enough? My questions are how do I make the most out of not only our 3 month old but also our 3 year old? I know the questions are going to come someday that why is he white and I am not or why am I white and he is not? I want them to be very happy about who they are and who they will become as adults. We have very open adoptions with both of them. But I know that that is not enought on its own. You know, I guess this is where I get confussed. Some say to treat them no different then each other but others tell us that you have to talk to them all the time about there background. We are very open to them about adoption but do I need to talk about black and white all the time? The way I feel is they are going to know that they are differant in skin tone (i hope to raise them to be proud of that skintoo) but what matters to me is they are no differant other then that and i dont want to make a big deal out of it. I know I sound like i am going in circles and that is how I fell too. Will someone like to share with me how they felt growning up in a white home with siblings of the same or different race and the things that help you or could have help you. Also can some of you that have adopted children of differant race share some of the things that you have learned? I am very open to all. I really want the best for both of my children. Thanks so much (I hope you all can understand this).

[marysblessings]

Hello. I do not know how helpful I can be, but I grew up in a household where I looked noticeably different from the rest of my family. First off, each individual has their own strength of character. Please nurture these differences. If one of your sons does grow up to feel confused, low self-esteem, or bothered by being adopted (and this can be either, both, or neither son), know that this attitude may be part of their character.It is not always the environment. Personally, I liked looking different from everyone else. It let me feel independent and distinguishable in a lasrge household. Having said that, there are certain things that may upset children. People asked my parents things like where did she get her looks? What does the mailman look like?, etc. Tactless comments. My mom's responses were not that great. If people make these comments, chances are they are strangers. You do not owe them an explanation. When my oldest children were toddlers, people would ask me if those kids were mine. I said yes. Then they invariably asked me how old I was. This is because I have a youthful appearance. This was not their business. I get comments about our children, some biological, some adopted. Oh, his eyes look just like yours! He is so handsome! My response is, "Thank you." My mom made a point in letting people know that I was adopted and did not look like her, Dad, or the other children. Just say thank you and move on.

I see I am taking up to much space. If you have questions for me, please email me at davidandmary4@yahoo.com I know I did not even touch on some of your issues. Do not let people make you feel unsure and doubtful. Children pick up on that faster than anything and worse, sometimes they reflect it.

Blessings,
Mary

[Pammuppet]

My family has two black children adopted (5,11) as well as two older boys in there twenties who are my step sons. The attitude of my husbands biological sons has helped my children a lot. They always welcomed and accepted the two younger children. We live in very white area (Vermont) so we work hard to find other families of color to do things with, and are active in adoption groups. It is a tough balance-but don't assume that the world will be color blind. I have found that racism is alive and well and living in every community in the US. My children have experienced prejudice and I often need people of color to help me give them the tools they need to protect themselves. I have been welcomed by Black students at a local college who helped me with everything from hair care to explaining the KKK. My kids are well and thriving.Your children are young and the best thing you can do know is teach them to be proud and strong and to love each other. There is a great book by a husband and wife team their last name is Hopson. I believe the title is Different and Wonderful: Raising Black children in a racist society. Good luck the path you have choosen is not an easy one, but the kids are worth the work...Pammuppet@hotmail.com

[bellazmama]

Hello!

While we only have one child, who is AA/CA, I understand your comments on discussing race with your children. Please rad the book listed below. YOu will find it to be AMAZINGLY helpful to you with BOTH of your children. You may also want to read "color Complex." It's a book about skin color within the AA community. Very interesting reading.

I also greatly appreciate the comment that we should sometimes just say "thank you" and move on. We get too caught up in our adult world of proving that adoption is a great thing. Children often get confused when we protest to much about how great something is. I'm going to try to keep my mouth from running away a little more often now.

Thanks for letting me run on.

Sarah