[a.emilia]

we're hoping to pursue an AA or biracial adoption and (this probably goes without saying, but) we're not either. the town we live in is not as diverse as we would like, and most of the AA children are adoptees from Africa.

several people have told me that it's going to be very difficult to keep our child in touch with their birth culture and have as much as said that it can't be done. i find this very depressing. anyone have any thoughts? if you live in a pretty homogenous area, as we do, how do you do it?

thank you!

[bromanchik]

I think it is important that you hear what adoptees have to say about growing up a person of color in a predominately white area.

Amazon.com: In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories (vol. 4) (9780231118293): Rita J. Simon, Rhonda M. Roorda: Books

Transracial Adoptees & Adopters Give Us Their Views:mixed-race features:Intermix.org.uk:

John Raible Online | Supporting the Transracial Adoption community through education and research

[Wishingndreaming]

The truth? We moved. It was in the best interest of our entire family to live in a more diverse area. Sorry that's not what you wanted to hear.

[Linny]

Speaking from experience......I'd tell you that it will take more effort on your part to assure your kids have good role models......but I wouldn't go so far as to say you shouldn't do it because you don't have a fully diverse town around you.
Yes, there will be those who'll say it's not the best environment; but others will say it was okay. The only way to help assure it WILL be alright...will be to go the extra mile *by you*.
We don't live *in* town; but rather outside of a slightly diverse town. (Emphasis on the 'slightly'). We've already raised two children of different ethnicities...even homeschooled them for some time....and found we just had to deal with the town farther away in order to have them around other ethnicities besides middle-class white America, KWIM? (This included shopping, going to church, attending functions *there*.) (BTW, we're still raising children of other ethnicities than ourselves.)

I think you have to ask yourselves *this* question too: If you're going to expose your child to his/her 'birth culture'...which one are you going to choose? Just because a person might share the same color of skin, doesn't mean they share the same 'culture'. An AA child growing up in Africa is going to have a different cultural upbringing than one growing up in the midwest...despite the fact they might both have 'black' skin.
Additionally, even if one is considering that both live in the same state, that doesnt' mean they'll share the same 'culture'. It's one thing to educate yourselves and your child about where their 'cultural roots came from' than 'where or how they're to BE as they grow up or once they're grown', KWIM?

I'm irritated by those who feel 'like should live with like'...and isn't that basically what some people believe? My gosh! Where would the world BE if all abided by that????
On the other hand, you can't go into this thinking your 'non-diverse' setting will make things easier for your AA child. Again, you'll have to seek out settings where your child won't be the only one with darker skin tones. (We actually found that our homeschooling group was more diverse and educated academically/socially than the public school setting was.) We also sought out a church where there were other AA families and adopted AA children...as well as seeking out events/opportunities where our children would be exposed to other ethnicities, including their own.

Go the extra mile. Be certain that you realize in adopting an AA baby/child...your family will forever BE a trans-ethnic family---that's----forever. Realize too, your child will need to have the freedom to ask--- and have answered--- questions pertaining TO his/her ethnicity and the way the world will view him/her as s/he grows into adulthood. Give them the tools, expose them to the world in many ways.
Go the extra mile.

Sincerely,

Linny

[a.emilia]

well, wishingndreaming, i asked for input. i didn't want to be told "what i wanted to hear," i'm not sure where you got that idea.

thank you all for the book recommendations and for your ideas. i will definitely check them out.

[OakShannon]

I do think that would be hard on a child. As to the question of how you keep your child connected to their birth culture if you live in a homogeneous area - I don't think you can unless you live at least within a close proximity to a city with diversity and - as Linny suggested - have a strong commitment to seeking out ways to connect meaningfully with that community. We can't give our children something we don't have ourselves, KWIM?

Do you mind if I ask why you are specifically interested in adopting across racial lines? I'm just curious. Since you live in an area without much diversity (no judgement intended there, BTW) I'm wondering what is drawing you specifically to adopting an AA child.

[theLBs]

Being a multiracial family takes effort wherever you live, but it CAN be much more difficult if you live in an area with little to no diversity to begin with...I realize I have it easier than many folks do. My son is AA, and I am CC, BUT my DH is AA. My son has an excellent role-model. We also live close to both of our families, and our town and neighborhood is very diverse. Even with all of that, we have to make an effort to live as a multiracial family. For example, we live within 20 minutes of the churches we each grew up in...but mine is totally CC and DH's is totally AA. While they both welcome us (and we attend each frequently throughout the year) we're looking for one that is more diverse. And when we go, we try to go as a family as often as possible-we don't want our son to think that he has a white family and a black family, KWIM? We bring both of our families together for holidays, usually at our house. We are a house where folks of all shades frequently visit...for example, his Godfather is from Puerto Rico, and a close friend has kids from Guatemala and Korea.

I've noted on another post that our family relates to transracial families in some way but not others because in actuality, I'M a part of a transracial adoption with my son, but my DH is not. It's good that you're asking these questions and thinking about how it will impact your child, but I also encourage you to think about what it means for you, DH, and any other children you have/may have to be a multiracial family. How it feels when everyone recognizes that your family was created from adoption, the crazy questions you'll get asked, the things people will say in your presence when your child is not with you and they don't know your family is multiracial-things that are ignorant, borderline or just flatout racist. And it changes when you have children..I've always been known for being outspoken, and I DID have some times I "corrected" folks when I was dating and married (pre-Peanut), but the anger that came then is NOTHING compared to what I feel when people make such comments in front of me now. There are people that I have distanced myself from...there are folks who don't approve of a white woman raising a black child-and i occasionally get those looks-seldom, but occasionally. And I know my son will face questions about his white mother. The best I can do is love my son, teach him about and have him around all shades, races, ethnicities, and show him families come in a variety of colors. I have him around strong role models-of all races/ethnicities-who love and support our family. I'm not sharing any of this to discourage you, just to give you other things to think about...good luck to you and your family.

[Guppy35]

I understand what you are asking and can respond from the point of view of someone who has been at this now for only 3 and 1/2 years with our little guy from Liberia.

Keep in mind that your child will be coming into your world. They are going to want to feel like they belong there. I get a bit worried with the talk of kids forgetting their birth culture stuff. My Matthew spent all of less then a month as a newborn in Liberia and of that time only 10 days were not spent with his mom, my wife.

I think folks can overdo it on trying to keep a child's birth culture in front of them to the point they never feel like they belong in their adoptive family. And I even hate to phrase it that way. Matthew is my child exactly the same as my 3 bio kids are. There is no difference.

Does he know he has different color skin? Absolutely. Will we help him understand his history as well as the African American experience in this country? Sure, his history, his culture, is now our history and culture, just like ours is his.

As for the rest of the world. We've held Matthew out front and basically demanded the world look. Is he different? I guess so. Deaf and with scars on his lip from where his cleft was repaired along with two older white parents. But the message is to the world, look at this beautiful, wonderful little boy. This is our son and we couldn't be prouder of him

And you know what? Our pride, our demand to notice how beautiful Matthew is, seems to work. People have responded amazingly well to him, and the more people he meets the more he knows he's something special.

I think it's very easy for us as the adoptive parents to project our own fears and anxieties on to the people around us. Will there always be idiots out there who don't get it? Sure.

But they've never dictated how we live yet, and I'll be ****ed if they get to now. You mess with Matthew, you mess with the entire family, and you don't want to do that.

None of this is saying you don't have to be aware of things and that being around other kids and families of color isn't a good idea. But I do strongly believe that first and foremost is making sure your child knows they are part of your family and that they belong with you.

I think about these conversations a lot, in particular late at night when Matthew has fallen asleep in my arms. I like to stare at him and be amazed at how beautiful he is. My wife and I laugh that we somehow managed to have four beautiful children, a brunette, a redhead, a blonde and one with black hair.

But I never stare at him thinking about my black, adopted son. I stare at him amazed that he's my son and how lucky I am to be his Dad.

Don't let anyone deny you that privilege.

[Gwen72]

Another adult transracial adoptee that you will want to research is Kevin Hofmann. He has a blog called "My Mind on Paper" and he has written a book called, "Growing Up Black in White." I wish you the best of luck on your adoption journey!

[Jensboys]

What I think adoptive parents need to do is look past the toddler years, or even the early elementary years when things are always relatively easy. Being black in a mostly white town might be a "bit" difficult when you are 4 or 5, and you will probably deal with comments and some mild issues when your child is 7 or 8. And then comes 14.

It is HARD. Very, very, very hard on a child. It is not about our fears or sticking our head in the sand -- it is the reality that there is racism and prejudice in this world. It is the reality that our kids walk around with a giant "I AM ADOPTED. MY BIRTH PARENTS DIDNT KEEP ME. I LOOK DIFFERENT THAN YOU" tattooed on their foreheads SIMPLY because of their race. They lose our "white privilege" when they have to face the world as a minority young adult.

Honestly, I dont think the opinions of adoptive parents are all that valid (particularly if they are only so far into parenting that their baby toes are barely wet) on this issue as much as the opinions of adoptees. I have one son for whom this has been VERY VERY hard, and one son for whom it has been a very minor issue. They are full bio sibs, raised in the same home, in the same town, with the same values. You have no way of predicting of your child will be harmed or thrive in the environment and when your child is hurting, and hurting badly, because of this issue, trust me --- moving seems like a very minor sacrifice.

[ruth74]

I'm still pretty new to this (8 months), I live in not very diverse area. My town is actually much more diverse than the surrounding area (and most of the state). I have other friends who have raised minority kids (or been raised as minority kids) here, and I agree that different people have different experiences with it. I have no intention of moving. I'm working really hard now, while he's still a baby, to make sure that he is exposed to people of his own race and other races, and to benefit from as much diversity as we do have. I think it also depends on the other qualities of your less diverse area. Racism does exist, but it doesn't look the same, or exist to the same extent, everywhere. My area may not have the diversity that some areas have, but mostly values and celebrates its diversity. We also have a fair number of transracial adoptive families, and that makes a difference, too.

[Linny]

Guppy35....

BRAVO! I couldnt' agree with you more!!!!

Sincerely,

Linny

[Guppy35]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

What I think adoptive parents need to do is look past the toddler years, or even the early elementary years when things are always relatively easy. Being black in a mostly white town might be a "bit" difficult when you are 4 or 5, and you will probably deal with comments and some mild issues when your child is 7 or 8. And then comes 14.

It is HARD. Very, very, very hard on a child. It is not about our fears or sticking our head in the sand -- it is the reality that there is racism and prejudice in this world. It is the reality that our kids walk around with a giant "I AM ADOPTED. MY BIRTH PARENTS DIDNT KEEP ME. I LOOK DIFFERENT THAN YOU" tattooed on their foreheads SIMPLY because of their race. They lose our "white privilege" when they have to face the world as a minority young adult.

Honestly, I dont think the opinions of adoptive parents are all that valid (particularly if they are only so far into parenting that their baby toes are barely wet) on this issue as much as the opinions of adoptees. I have one son for whom this has been VERY VERY hard, and one son for whom it has been a very minor issue. They are full bio sibs, raised in the same home, in the same town, with the same values. You have no way of predicting of your child will be harmed or thrive in the environment and when your child is hurting, and hurting badly, because of this issue, trust me --- moving seems like a very minor sacrifice.

What you say also speaks to parenting in general. I've been a parent for 28 years. Each of my kids has dealt with the world differently, with different strengths and weaknesses.

None of it would have stopped us from raising them. No one is saying that we should have blinders on regarding the issues our little ones may face.

That being said, no one else should determine whether or not you take that step to raise an adopted child outside of the parents choosing to do so.

You are absolutely correct in that there will be different issues to face. Not providing a home for a child in need because of that would be tragic though. Being a parent is always a gamble, cause bad things may happen. But you don't go into parenting thinking it's all going to be perfect. You work your tail off being the best parent you can be and providing the best home possible and you deal with the bumps in the road as they come.

The only way we're going to change how the world looks at this stuff is if we, for lack of a better word, attack it directly.

[a.emilia]

Originally Posted by ruth74

I'm still pretty new to this (8 months), I live in not very diverse area. My town is actually much more diverse than the surrounding area (and most of the state). I have other friends who have raised minority kids (or been raised as minority kids) here, and I agree that different people have different experiences with it. I have no intention of moving. I'm working really hard now, while he's still a baby, to make sure that he is exposed to people of his own race and other races, and to benefit from as much diversity as we do have. I think it also depends on the other qualities of your less diverse area. Racism does exist, but it doesn't look the same, or exist to the same extent, everywhere. My area may not have the diversity that some areas have, but mostly values and celebrates its diversity. We also have a fair number of transracial adoptive families, and that makes a difference, too.

This is something I haven't thought of, also. Our area may not be particularly racially diverse, but it's definitely a tolerant community with a wide range of people. I've yet to encounter any overt racism. Yes, I know there's still the white privilege factor and I'm sure there are some racists here that I just don't know about, but still, a pretty liberal, accepting area (a bit Portlandia, if you will)

To answer the poster who asked how we decided on transracial adoption--I guess we really did by default. We're not set on AA/biracial/any particular race but we will very likely end up with a non-caucasian or biracial child simply because we don't intend to state a preference. It's not one of our criteria for a placement.

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by Guppy35

What you say also speaks to parenting in general. I've been a parent for 28 years. Each of my kids has dealt with the world differently, with different strengths and weaknesses.

None of it would have stopped us from raising them. No one is saying that we should have blinders on regarding the issues our little ones may face.

That being said, no one else should determine whether or not you take that step to raise an adopted child outside of the parents choosing to do so.

You are absolutely correct in that there will be different issues to face. Not providing a home for a child in need because of that would be tragic though. Being a parent is always a gamble, cause bad things may happen. But you don't go into parenting thinking it's all going to be perfect. You work your tail off being the best parent you can be and providing the best home possible and you deal with the bumps in the road as they come.

The only way we're going to change how the world looks at this stuff is if we, for lack of a better word, attack it directly.

But I do think that Jens makes a very good point when she says that those of us with small children really haven't gotten our feet wet on this issue yet. I'm a part of a community of TRA families and that really rings true to me after listening to a lot of parents of teens talk about what their children experience.

It's great to want to change the world. My concern is that if you do that by adopting a child of color and living in an area where they will be a "token" in their school and neighborhood - aren't you doing it by putting your kid on the front line? My son is only 4 and he already gets more comments and questions than I do. I get to take my white privilege with me wherever I go. But at the tender age of 4, he is already starting to have experiences of his own where I am not there to protect him or help him respond to comments. And I live in one of the most liberal areas in the country. My two-mom transracial family rarely raises an eyebrow around here. But still, kids especially ask D questions and want to know if I'm his mom and why we don't look alike. He stands out. How much more true would that be if he stood out because of his race as well? (Here, he doesn't.)

I see the way AA adults in my community respond to my son. They make a point of talking to him. They take a special interest in him. I think there is a great value in that. Their behavior toward him clearly says, "You are part of us." I would never want to live in an area where he was not surrounded by other African Americans and did not have that experience. I have a dear friend who was raised in the Midwest as one of only an handful of Asians. She has talked to me about how hard that was for her growing up - especially as a teen. And she was not adopted. She had her parents and a sister as support. But it was still really hard.

The fact that some kids seem to take racial isolation in stride doesn't really ease my mind because other kids struggle a great deal. No one can tell you when you bring your baby home which end of the spectrum your own child will fall on. What does it mean to expose your child to his/her birth culture in a vacuum? Books? Paintings? Movies? What about the experience of actually being in the majority and not standing out once in a while? Or having actual living, breathing role models? Relationships with adults and children who look like you?

I agree that you can't tell someone else how to create their family. But she asked for opinions. I do think it's something you ought to think about very, very hard before you jump into it. This decision should be about what a child will need more than what we think we can handle. I think it's very, very important to remember that the baby placed in our arms stays a baby for only a very short time.