[tajmu311]

I was out of town this weekend with my mom and DS and we met a very nice AA family in a restaurant. As we talked to them and I saw DS looking at them, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of sadness for what DS is losing out on. While I firmly believe that he was meant to by our child and I love him more than life itself, I know that as he grows older he will experience anger, pain, and sadness at the fact that his birth family was/is not able to care for him the way they should. For the first time in the 2.5 years he has been here, I felt like he would "fit in" better with their family instead of ours.

All of the love in the world will not take that pain away from him and a part of me is now feeling selfish for the decision we made to adopt transracially b/c I feel like it will be harder on him in the long run. I am finding it very difficult to overcome this sadness for DS. I love him soooo much and never want him feel sadness or pain....

[shy_bear]

I have also felt this way; my son is Hispanic and we are all CC. We were at the children's hospital one day and there was a darling Hispanic boy who was probably about the same age as my son; my son kept looking at him and following him. At one point he reached out to touch this little boy's hair. It saddens me to know that regardless of how much I love him there are some things I will never be able to give him.

[Cjmeck]

I don't know how to explain it, but yes, I've felt that sadness too. What has helped me is that I've met a few adult transracial adoptees. And none of them has felt this way. I'm not saying our children won't feel a sense of loss for growing up in CC family... But I'm just saying, its not for certain that they will. I watched as my daughter played with other kids on the playground last week. And for some reason, she kept following around this AA mom. She's only 21 months but I sat there and wondered if she felt a connection to her that she could never have with me... Would I possibly be enough?? Crazy thoughts, I know! But then in my daughter's case, she never would have had any AA family if she hadn't been placed for adoption. Actually, her situation would have been identical to what it is now; she'd be the only AA/CC person in a CC family.
I'm just still figuring all of this out since my daughter is still young. This sadness for what our children have lost is not something I expected to feel... I don't know what to do with it either. Your son may not have any pain associated with his adoption or race. I remember reading a book about transracial adult adoptees and their experiences growing up. I'll have to re-read it. And at least your son will have a great mother who will be sympathic and ready to listen and support him, you know?? He'll be fine, he will thrive

[nickchris]

Can I say as an AA Adoptive mom? hope you do not mind. That sense of loss could be part of the adoption aspect. I get that way too at times when I look at DD (she is AA too) I cannot be everything for her as she has a biological link that I cannot replicate. Nor will all of her why questions be answered by me or DH to her satisfaction. It would be nice if parents had a handbook. lol
However, the most important thing is to be sensitive to that possibility of their discovery of what makes the child different/same, and be supportive if they do verbalize, or act on it down the road. From what I read thus far, down the road the adopted person does appreciate the fact that their feelings are not minimized. Verbalizing this perception on your part is a great start, you can do it. :-)

[BethanyB]

I've felt this way too. I think it's good that we realize this fact because as Nick says, it's important for us to be able to understand and support our children as they grow instead of minimizing their feelings and emotions. I think the first step in supporting someone is to understand why they may feel a certain way and then try to help them through it when they do experience those feelings.

I think our kids will love us because we are their moms. We love them and take care of them. Yes, they will probably feel some sort of sadness over not being raised in a family who looks like them, but hopefully us being aware and supportive will be helpful to them when they are growing up.

[tajmu311]

I agree with everyone - and thank you so much for responding! It's nice to know that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do.

I have friends who, while well-meaning, kind of blow it off by saying "just love him, everything will be fine."

I want DS to grow up knowing that it's ok to be sad, hurt, angry, whatever emotions he has. That I support him and love him regardless, but I don't expect him to always be happy about the fact that he's adopted. I want to do everything in my power to give him the selfworth and self confidence to find out who he is as a human being, adopted or not.

[sugarandspice697]

No, your not crazy...

I had a similar situation happen last month. We were at a grocery store and a Asian woman with her two daughters were shopping in the same isle as us. The woman put her cart next to mine becuase the isles are extremely narrow. DD stared the girls and touched their hair and skin. Then glanced at me as if she were saying "Mom, we look so different and they look like me. What's going on?". Then as the Asian woman passed by our cart Firefly streched out her arms towards her asking to be picked up.
Firefly is certainly not shy but I have never seen her so bold with a stranger before.

For the first time since I gave birth to her, I started to have thoughts about her birth parents. Sometimes when I see an Asian couple with kids I sometimes wonder "is that Firefly's birth parents?".

[joskids]

Nick - I so agree with you on this subject. As most of you know, we are an interracial couple, DH is AA and I am CC. Our 4 adopted children are full AA and AA (biracial). We live in a very diverse area, our children attend a black Catholic church, their school friends are of every race and ethnicity.

Still, I have felt exactly like the poster feels, but for a different reason. 3 of our children came from foster care, I never felt unentitled to parent them, I truly felt that I could provide as a mother for them (most likely), better than their biological mothers could. But, for our youngest child, who is now 3-1/2, I have struggled with entitlement. Most of this has to do with my age, I'm in my 50's. Although I have more energy and life-experience than most 20 something mothers I know, I am still faced with the reality when I hold my daughter and look at us in the mirror together. She has a physically beautiful "first" mother, who is young and intelligent. She even went on to give birth to another baby girl, 2 years later, by the same bio father. I know this was intended to "replace" our daughter. And, although I'm quite sure she knows that our daughter was irreplaceable, it becomes painfully honest to me how regretful she is that she placed her first child for adoption. On my part, it's so painful to know this.

At this point, I've come to understand that it was God's intention for our daughter to be with us (and for me to be her mother). And my job is to be the very best I can be.

I wish I had more words to help you thru this. I hope it's enough to know that many of us adoptive mothers struggle with entitlement. It's seems to be a woman's way to feel unentitled about many things in life that come our way. I hope that as women, we can stand together and support each other when we feel this way.

My thoughts are with you.

Peace.

[ChromaKelly]

I totally understand how you feel, I've felt much the same way. Caleb is starting to notice other AA people and will stare at them across a restaurant, follow them with his eyes when we are out, etc. I think he knows "Hey, they are like me!"
I also feel some sadness about not being with his birth family, but I suppose that's normal in any adoption situation.

[SHD]

Wow, thanks for posting this. I have felt this way many times. She has never looked at our friends and said they look like me but in the corners of my mind I wonder...

Nick is right with her point that there is a sense of loss for the first family.

Josie your point hits home too. Why do we as women feel unentitled? I know God had a plan bigger than me so I should just accept His gift and be grateful. I am my DD's MOM, just ask her and she'll tell you in a minute I am.

Fortunately we have these posts to hold each other up. Keep up the good work to all you MOMs out there.