[TAP]

I need some advice. And, I hope folks won't be too judgmental. The quick version of a long story is that my DH and I were oriignally very open to any Race when we did our homestudy. We are approved on our HS, we took classes, even looked at new churches, so we could introduce more diversity into our lives when the baby arrived.

One thing we thought was good is that we always wanted to adopt 2 children. So, the children would both be minority, but together would be 1/2 of our immediate family. Not sure if this was a good way to think about it or not.

Ok, now ... we adopted 4 months ago a caucasion daughter. It is a long story, but it was a last minute situation. Anyway, we are certainly not complaining. Our DD is awesome.

So .. here is where I need the advice. My DH thinks maybe we should change our profile and accept only cauc. babies. Maybe I agree. I don't know. Even our social worker said b/c our neighborhood is not very diverse, we should think about it hard b/f we accept a black or hispanic baby. I'm a little down b/c I know the wait will be longer and I like the idea .. of just puting ourselves out there and seeing what GOD chooses.

Anyway .. any thougths on how much more difficult it is with just one minority child v. two or more?

I could easily not be thinking clearly. Need to update the HS and profile before November to get back in the Q for adoption #2.

TAP

[Happywife]

Thanks for posting this. My dh and I are in a similar situation. We are in the process of adopting our beautiful baby girl, too. We were in the process to sign up with an agency to adopt a child that would be AA or BR. However, God had other plans, as this situation just kind of landed in our lap. Like you, we are thrilled to death to be her parents!

I have similar concerns as you do, so I am very interested in what people have to say. I hope you get a lot of responses here!!

[sbaglio]

I haven't been in your situation, but can understand that you might be concerned. I would look at it a different way, though. What if you continue to be open to any race, and a situation presents itself to you that is perfect for your family? There are others on this board who have one child who is of color, in a CC family. You seem to have done the legwork, and to have been prepared, to be a TRA family. You might also have situations where the emom is CC and not certain of the baby's race/ethnicity (that has happened a few times with our agency). Closing yourselves to the possibility of matching with her might shut the door to a potentially good situation.

Just some random thoughts. I hope some people who have BTDT can assist. Best of luck

[OliviaK]

Oh.......I just wrote to you the most wonderful reply and for some reaon it didn't go through! I will take the time to reply again. I am what you are searching for. I am the living proof. You need not worry about what others say or think. My parents adopted 5 of their 7 children. They started with their own natural born daughter in 1953 (Welsh/Canadian), then adopted from Korea in 1959. Then they adopted a Chinese duaghter, then a Cicilian/Caucasion daughter, then a Morrocan/Caucasion son, the me,1964 Nigerian/Caucasion, daughter. Last but not least came their last daughter born 1968 (Welsh/Canadian) on the same birthday as their 1st natural born only they were 15 years apart! Look...have no fear and do not let others' fear and ignorance stop you. I am the living proof...I have walked in these shoes you refer to EVER DAY! I am 45, I am beautiful, I am educated and I am adopting too! I await my Chinese daughter.....it has been 3 years and there are probably 3 more to go because the Chinese wait times have just gotten rediculous. For me, adopting in the USA wasn't easy and because I am "single"....the International route was best....but...the wait....it is LONG! Again....consider it a blessing you bumped into me today. We (my parents...God bless them ) did it WAY before Madonna and Anglena. I have always loved my family. My parents embraced all of us with loving arms and understanding. They took the time to educate us! Love...I swear....it's LOVE that is best....love and understanding. Explanations...why people fear! They fear and yet they DON'T undertand...and many have not even LIVED it....they just "SEE and want to add their opinion" I love being different! I can't say it enough...and I hope this response goes through (because the first did not). Do you hear what I am saying? I am the living PROOF! I am it! I am here saying it so loudly...with love and energy beyond belief! Do what you want! Your children will love you and themselves and their siblings JUST like other families...and do you know what....PERHAPS they will love even MORE because they will have a VERY special UNIQUE bond. Do what you want! NOT what others try to dictate. Again.....I have lived it.....don't fear! It is stupid the fear of others....nothing for you to worry about. I came out 100% OK! WOW.....I AM the living proof. I am the expert in this topic. Can't get any more truthful but if you need to ask more questions...I am here!

[Magic_Hat]

This was our exact situation. We were open to race and were chosen by a Caucasian mom who'd had a Caucasian baby girl. Next time around, we had to make the decision about whether to still be open or specify only Caucasian so the 2nd child wouldn't be the only child of color in our family. After a lot of soul searching and research and expressing our concerns with our social worker, we decided to stay open to race and we were chosen for a African American/Liberian baby boy. His birth mom wanted a Caucasian family. We do live in a very diverse neighborhood and town and are near a large metro area and we have friends and relatives who are people of color. Our son is only 5 months old so we don't have much experience yet but we know what we need to do to help him be comfortable within his family, within his own skin and within the community and we are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

PM me if you want to talk more.

[ChromaKelly]

We have biological twin girls (CC), and adopted Caleb (AA). I had/have a lot of the same concerns. In the end, we just couldn't bring ourselves to only be open to CC, it just didn't feel right to us to say we will only accept a child of a certain color. Yes, maybe we were a bit naive, but we really feel this was the right decision. I'm not sure if we will adopt again, it will really depend on finances. So, it's possible that Caleb may be the only AA member of our family.

We don't live in the most diverse place either, we're planning on moving though, and we do a lot of our shopping/entertainment in diverse areas. I just started Gymboree classes in a more AA neighborhood, and I will be taking him to get his haircuts at black barber shops. Things like that will help.

[OakShannon]

I don't think that the fact that you have a Caucasian daughter needs to be a barrier. I think people can parent across racial lines very successfully no matter who is in their family. I would actually have more concerns about the lack of diversity where you live.

Children deserve to be in spaces where they can see themselves reflected in the faces of other people. Spaces where they can blend in when they want to. They deserve to see and know positive role models and peers who share their identity. They deserve to have strong ties to the culture/race they are born into, because they will be identified with it all their lives and that culture is a source of strength. All children deserve that - but transracially adopted children don't usually find those things in their own families. So as parents, we need to work consciously toward making sure our children get their needs met.

Instead of looking broadly at whether this is a good idea or a bad idea, I would suggest looking at the specifics of your own situation. What tools to you have to help you? Look at your friends and the people close to you who share your potential child's race/ethnicity. What places do you regularly go where your child would see and get to know other black or Latino people? What life experiences do you have that could help you?

Do you think you have all the tools you need? If not, see if you can figure out where to find them. Can you join a more diverse church? Is there a parents' group where there are significant numbers of parents of color and/or TRA parents? Is there a city nearby with a lot of diversity that has a group, a club, a church, etc. that you can become a part of? Is there a diverse school in your community that your children could attend? Do you think you will be comfortable reaching out to other parents raising children of color - especially parents who share your child's race - in order to increase the diversity of your own friendship circle?

Look at it constructively. What do you bring to the table? What can you build on? What resources are available to you? Use that to decide if this is something you can do well or if your husband's and your social worker's hesitations are really valid reasons to wait for another match with a white child.

And congratulations on your baby girl.

[BethanyB]

I agree that you should make sure that you have the resources available to be able to expose your AA child to people who look like him or her. As parents, WE may not care about the race of our child but it can be hard on kids. Even really well prepared, racially conscience parents need to work at it.

I moved to a town that has a diverse school. I go to a very diverse church and I have two AA children.
Would it be possible to adopt more than one AA child so that your child would not be the only one in the family?

I think you need to think about these things for the child's sake. Good luck!

[Bamamom07]

My kids have different ethnicities and range from 5 to adult. The oldest have only recently begun to "embrace their heritage", and have talked about how different they felt growing up surrounded by kids who were not like them. They're favorite school was the only one that was about a 50/50 racial mix of AA/CC. My light brown, SE Asian mix son was teased ridiculously when little by the other little kids, but denies it being a problem for several years now. He usually makes up silly stories for why he looks different from his parents and just has fun with it. My teen Hispanic daughter is very brown, and very self conscious about it. (she was already a teen when I got her, and came from a mostly CC, rural, fairly racist area). She feels far better noticing other brown people around who appear accepted and successful. My preteens don't seem to be too concerned about skin color, but they do hear comments on occasion idiots make that hurts their feelings. I think our children have definitely been helped by the fact they have other siblings "of color", even if different ethnicity, within our family. They know that their siblings share a bond that my husband and I just don't have and can't have. I don't think you should consider it at all if you and your husband can't both happily accept a child's skin color and both be prepared to deal with stupidity of others you and your child will inevitably encounter. If you feel you're okay with that, then consider the child's experiences. Will your community accept him, will he feel like the only brown spot in his class, team, whatever. Would you be willing to adopt another of the same ethnicity- possibly a sibling set? While an older relative of mine grew up the only Asian kid in the school, and felt special in a good way because of it, I'd be willing to bet more kids just like to be able to blend in at times. Our kids' worlds contain more than just us parents--