[Saya]

Please no flames. I burn easily.

DH and I are CC, and our daughter is Hispanic. We thought long and hard about what to say, if anything, for racial preference for our current profile as we wait for our second child. We have always felt it important that DD not feel isolated in the family in anyway - not be the only kid through adoption, and definitely not be the only kid who's not CC. So while our initial reaction was to say we were open to anything, after much deliberation we decided that what was most important to our family was that our next child share DD's heritage in some way, and so we stated a preference (not an absolute mandate, but a preference) for a child who was at least part-Hispanic (defined pretty broadly).

We just found out that a potential b-mom has read our profile and might be interested. (She's identified 5 families she might want to get to know further.) The baby is full CC. Our social worker knew we might not be interested, but wanted to put it by us anyway.

There are other things, pro and con, about the situation, but right now I'm trying to think through this part. DH and I used to semi-joke that the one ethnicity we couldn't see adopting was CC, but now we're faced with this option, and I'm forced to look at this more starkly. We've had all these conversations on this board, pro and con, about whether we think it's right for PAPs to say no to a situation because a child doesn't look like them. Is it crazy to say no to a potential situation because a child looks TOO MUCH like us? I realize I'm doing what many parents do when thinking about their second child - I'm filtering it all through my first born. I have always wanted A to have a sibling with whom she could bond about the challenges of being adopted transracially.

(This seems so ironic - all those couples you hear about who would LOVE to be presented with a situation for a full CC baby, and we have this odd twisted moral dilemma.)

Your (respectful) input is welcome. Thank you!!

[Withay]

For what it is worth, and this is only my opinion, I would leave the ethnicity portion out of the equation. I say this because you mentioned that there were other pros and cons with this situation. Perhaps what you need to concentrate on are these other items.

[sheababy]

I think the child that is meant to be yours will find you, regardless of race. I would examine the whole situation and put race on the back burner. I think once you know more about the situation your heart will tell you what to do.

[Saya]

Thank you both for your replies and input.

I guess I am finding it difficult to just put race to the back-burner - to be "color blind" so to speak. I feel like it's an issue that needs to be thought out like anything else, and it's not an unimportant one for our family. I know for sure I've seen posts here that reference both research and personal experiences that have led me to believe it can be important/valuable for children in a transracial family to have sibling(s) that also doesn't look like their parents, and for the sake of my daughter and my future child I don't feel I can take it lightly. Maybe this is the baby for us - but I need to think this through first.

[oceanica]

Just wanted to send hugs and wish good luck with working through this!

[KLL08]

Hi Saya,
DH and I have talked about this so much lately! We are both CC and our DD is AA, we adopted her at birth and we have an open adoption. So in discussions about child #2 we have wanted a similar situation, we'd love for DD to have an AA sibling, and to have another open adoption. But we are still at least 6 months from updating our homestudy.
We have said we don't think we would adopt a CC child, but I don't know if we could say no to a CC child either if the situation fell in our laps. For us we want to be parents to whatever child God leads into our lives.

I do think however, if we adopted a CC child we would adopt another child that was AA like our daughter.
Best wishes in your decision!!

[Magic_Hat]

Saya,
I understand your need to really think this through. We struggled with this ourselves. We were open to race when we started the journey for our first child and we were chosen by a Caucasian woman pg w/a Caucasian baby so our daughter looks like us (actually really looks like my partner).

So then when prepping for #2, we had a dilemma: do we say we are not open to children of color b/c DD is white like us and baby #2 would be the only person of color in the house? Some people on this board said that was the right thing to do. But it felt icky to say we were only open to white babies, especially since we really were open to any baby. So we kept it open and now have an African America/Liberian son. I know it might have been better for my children if they were at least both of color. I know we will have to work extra hard to make sure our son has a connection to his heritage and doesn't feel completely assimilated. Given our community and our awareness, that won't be too hard.

It's a hard decision! But I do think most adoptees have a unique story with some burdens to bear. Yes, my daughter looks like us but her conception and birth stories are sad and she will never know anything about her birth father. She may end up struggling more with that than my son will struggle with being the only black boy in a house full of white women.

I guess you have to listen to your gut on this one. Our gut (and our SW) told us it would be okay. Good luck with your decision!

[OakShannon]

We've just started the process of updating our homestudy for a second adoption and we've had exactly the same conversation. We also decided that our strong preference would be for a sibling that shares our son's racial identity (African American). And we also said that we would not be open to a Caucasian child because we don't want David to be the only person of color in our family.

But it's a hard situation you're in! I know that if we were called and the decision was suddenly about a specific baby, I would find it much harder to say no. I think I would, though.

I think this is one of those situations where there is no clear right or wrong. You have to really look at what is best for your family and your daughter and try to make the best decision you can. I wish you the best in making your decision. What does your husband think?

[WizardofOz]

Saya, , my son is Asian (Cambodian) and I was set on adopting another Asian child so that he could "bond easily" with the new sibling.

I was sure I was doing the right thing until one day my social worker helped me to finally put things a little bit in proportion. She said to me "a child of anyrace will feel comfortable in your family. Ethnicity is not a factor you should worry about" I asked her if my son would bond better with a sibling that looks like him and her answer was a clear "no". My daughter is half Micronesian and half black, her big brother loves her to pieces, all is great and I thank my social worker for her insights.

I think we are in danger to project too much of our own color awareness onto our kids. Our world is changing at an exponential rate and they belong to a new generation. We cannot possibly predict how our children will experience color awareness, just as we cannot predict other things e.g. their occupation. (Many of the jobs today did not exist 30 years ago - just think about the new kinds of jobs that got created in the very recent past because of the computers/cell phones/gadgets industry). The assumption that what has been is what always will be is fundamentally flawed. My own personal views are that it does not matter if the second child belongs to the same ethnical group or not, there are things that matter more.

[sbaglio]

We have friends who are both biracial (black/white) and a lesbian couple. One of them was adopted at birth by a CC family; she is in her early 30s now. When she was about 8 years old, her parents adopted a Hispanic infant boy. I asked her once how it felt for both her and her brother, with whom she is very close, to be of different races, and if that had affected their relationship in any way (dumb questions, perhaps).

She told me that their races/ethnicities have never been an issue. They love each other as siblings, and that's all that matters.

It's just one case (and I realize that neither of them is CC like their parents), and I'm sure you can find cases that are the opposite, but perhaps sometimes a sib is just a sib. At the same time, I do so understand your concern over this issue. I think you're correct to think it over as carefully as you're doing.

Best of luck, Saya! Am thinking of you as you go through the decision making process

[joskids]

I am CC and my husband is AA. Our 4 adopted children are AA and biracial. We felt it best to specify that we were only open to any minority race child, Hispanic, AA, biracial, multi-racial, etc.

But there are other considerations in terms of the diversity in your area, schools, churches, etc. It's a difficult position for you to be in, not wanting to rule out ANY child because you want to be a parent, not a parent to a child of a specific race. I think you'll know when the right situation is presented to you. Hang in there. And best wishes for your future adoption.

[Saya]

Thank you all so much for your input. This is a hard process - and no matter what we decide it is helping us to work through these important issues in a really stark way.

As always happens when DH and I have a difficult decision to make together, we are both constantly changing our opinion. Last night I was in the position of "It will be too difficult for A to be the only person of color in the house" and he was in the position of "One thing that we have learned about parenthood and adoption is that you have to be open to surprises. This isn't what we expected as a situation, but we should embrace it openly and see what happens." This morning - and this is absolutely normal with us - we had changed sides. Now I think we might be switching again. I'm going to call our SW in a few minutes and ask when we have to make the decision by - I'm hoping it's not till tomorrow!

This is forcing me to parse out the issues, which has been very valuable. It is forcing me to realize that our stated preference for a child of Hispanic descent was in some ways for us more then for A. We've already made a commitment to expose our child to Hispanic culture, language, etc. and in some ways it seemed easier to do that process as a family if both children shared that. However having a child that's non-CC - that's because of concerns that Anabel feel somehow isolated. And right now that seems more salient for me as a concern - though not necessarily a deal-breaker.

I realize there is no right or wrong answer - and that at the end of the day there is no way to know, as with most parenting choices, what the impact will be.

Please continue to comment - it is really helpful to read what you all have to say.

(Edited to add - I did want to note that we do live in a diverse community, so it's not like if were to adopt a CC child then DD would never see another child of color. We live in NYC and our neighborhood is pretty racially diverse. Our zoned elementary school is about 1/3 Hispanic.)

[Prettyboicris]

I know you have a hard decision to make. My input is this consider all aspects of the situation and not just raise. Maybe there are other things that play into this too that you have not mentioned such as schools, churches, community events etc. If you think taking a CC child would cause more neglect to you hispanic child by the community due to the CC child looking more like you then you may want to think about it more. For my wife and I personally as an AA couple who are open to any race if we got a CC child first we would still be open to any race for our child because our community is diverse and has all sorts of family dynamics going on. In other communities though if one child "looks more like you" and the other doesnt sometimes even if people know both are adopted they can treat the one that looks more like you in a more favorable way because they "fit better" this depends on your community.
Best of luck to you in your decision.

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by Saya

(Edited to add - I did want to note that we do live in a diverse community, so it's not like if were to adopt a CC child then DD would never see another child of color. We live in NYC and our neighborhood is pretty racially diverse. Our zoned elementary school is about 1/3 Hispanic.)

With this new bit of information about you being in NYC. I would say if all the other things are in place with this situation then I would go for it. That is just me though. Best of luck!

[MamaS]

My adopted daughters both came from the same Central American country - not because I wanted their "heritage" to be similar, but because that country was open to singles adopting. "Sissy" is pure Mayan - long silky black hair, coffee with cream complexion, petite, slender and beautiful. "Sassy" is CC in complexion with black curly hair and black eyes. She looked so CC that people assumed that I adopted one and then had "my own".
Heritage does not guarantee color.
Also, after the age of 13 both girls refused to do the "cultural" things anymore. They were American teenagers, interested in ballet, basketball, and boys.
They know where they came from but it does not define who they are or fill every waking minute of their lives.