[Happywife]

This is a conversation that I had recently with a good friend of mine.

Me: Husband and I have been talking about baby names.

Him: Oh yeah? Which ones have you talked about?

Me: (listing several names, some traditional and some unusual. I said another rather unusual one. . . )

Him: That sounds like a black girl's name.

Me: (pause) Uhh. . .do you realize what you just said?

Him: Yeah, that name sounds like a good one for a black girl.

Me: Have you forgotten who you are talking to?

Him: What?

Me: Remember? We ARE adopting transracially, and probably will be parents of an African American child.

Him: Yeah. (pause) Oh. . .


In the moment, I just didn't know what else to say! What would you have said? (If it matters, this is a friend who has been absolutely supportive of our adoption journey, including deciding to adopt transracially.)

[yehudit]

Hello,
That's a good question. It could be that your friend DOES support your transracial adoption, but doesn't get that you'd give your AA child an AA name. Naming is such a personal thing that a lot of people don't take into account different reasons for naming children. For example, DH and are are very traditional when it comes to names. When it came to naming our children, we never considered not using family names. Or at least names that are personally meaningful to us.

So your friend may not have considered that AA names can be given to children with CC parents, but she probably thought that an AA name is unlikely to be meaningful to you as a CC person.

Best,

[txwannabemom]

I think you said the right thing.....

He was just stumped.

Well, we have to educate one person at a time sometimes right?

[manni28]

Hi!

AA here! In the AA community, as least in the middle and upperclasses, names that sound "homemade" or "ghetto" are frown upon. Traditional names are more accepted. My sons names are Ellington ( after Duke Ellington one of the greatest American composers of all times) and Emmanuel. My name is Angela- I was born in the 60's and named after Angela Davis- the civil rights icon.


-Manni

[sugarandspice697]

I agree with manni on this one. Although most of my family in lower class, DP and I are considered "upper middle class". I would never had given Julia a "Black sounding" name even if she were not Chinese. Although I LOVE being Black and we're very proud of our roots I do not feel comfortable giving my child a "getto" name because when most people look at job resumes or other important documents they are going to see your name first. As sad as it is, a person named "Holly" is going to get a job faster than a person name "Lakeisha".

[aclee]

When we were planning names for our first adoption, we told people we liked Tyler. DH sister suggested we consider Ty'Reese or something along those lines. I said that we prefered to find a name that was racial "ambiguous"...not because we weren't proud that we would have a black child, but because as an AA man, people could decide subconsciously not to give him a chance even before they met him. Resumes, college applications....any number of ways. I love the sound of many more "ethic" sounding names, but I feel like I want to give any of my children as much as a leg up as I can. I wouldn't give a CC child a name that would make him stand out either.

[CaddoRose]

Originally Posted by sugarandspice697

I agree with manni on this one. Although most of my family in lower class, DP and I are considered "upper middle class". I would never had given Julia a "Black sounding" name even if she were not Chinese. Although I LOVE being Black and we're very proud of our roots I do not feel comfortable giving my child a "getto" name because when most people look at job resumes or other important documents they are going to see your name first. As sad as it is, a person named "Holly" is going to get a job faster than a person name "Lakeisha".

This is sadly so true! There have actually been studies done to see how potential employers would react to names and those names that sounded "black" would not get an interview or be able to rent an apartment.

[millie58]

ITA with Manni, Sugarandspice and Aclee: An "ambiguous" name will get your child's foot in the door. My 2 little ones had names where letters were formed around bdad's name. They both wanted to change their names (THANK GOD)! My oldest, who didn't tried talking them out it. I lit into him! the name of my oldest isn't "ghetto" but it's definitely ethnic. And he's a dark shade of brown. When people hear him talk or see him smile, they're surprised!! My point being is that people hear a name and form an opinion (not right but it is what it is). Let your kid get a foot in the door.

[manni28]

This is sadly so true! There have actually been studies done to see how potential employers would react to names and those names that sounded "black" would not get an interview or be able to rent an apartment.

Not only that, there's a stigma attached to names that sound "ghetto". In schools, for example, kids with names that are ghetto are often perceived to be "problems" or have "attitudes"

-Manni

[JenC]

Everyone has good points. Hard as it may be to let a favorite name go, I'd let go of any really unusual sounding names. It's difficult standing out as a transracial family all the time. Having a name, pretty or masculine as it may be, that society assigns a racial connotation to, sets them up to be unfairly judged before even walking in the room - in school as a kid and in the workforce as an adult.

I went digging in old threads and found a thread that I posted a while ago basically discussing the same things about names. naming children in transracial families, it may help to get some more insight to read what people said there.

All in all, I don't think what your friend said was racist. Rude, perhaps. It's also an insight into what society will think of the name. He at least gave you points to ponder, as well as the input you've received here.

[Quesita]

My mother's first name was Della, which literally means "of the" in Italian. She was half Sicilian/half Irish. But Della is also a very common AA name.

My father's last name, which my mom took when they got married, is a very common US name which frequently found both in WASP and AA families.

When people heard my mom's name, they automatically assumed she was black. Over and over again, when repairmen came to the house, they said that they were surprised to see a white woman with that name. Same thing with doctors, etc. My mom actually found it amusing, and kind of enjoyed it.

My daughter's name is Liana. I chose it for many reasons, including the fact I was looking for a name that was easy to pronounce for speakers of many different languages, and when I was researching names, I saw that one of the meanings of Liana is the botanical word for the vines that create the canopy over the rainforest.

I remembered years ago, traveling through the rainforests of Guatemala, and getting too close to a mommy spider monkey, who thought we were threatening her babies. For twenty minutes, she traveled over the lianas, following us, and pelting pieces of fruit at us to ensure that her babies were safe. Liana. It seemed like the perfect name for my daughter. Not too common. But not too unusual either. And with a special meaning for me. Her middle name is Della, for my mom.

I later realized that Liana Della with the last name that could easily be AA, really sounds like a black girl's name. And she is Guatemalan, Mayan, perhaps with a bit of Garifuna blood. But when you look at her, you might think she was from Bangladesh. Or even the South Pacific.

My beautiful daughter is a residient of planet earth, and neither her name nor her physical appearance tell the whole story. And I kind of like that.

May you find a name that is just right for your child and your family.

[kara05kara]

Going back to the conversation part of it...I had a very similar conversation with a close friend prior to our son arriving. She was surprised when I explained that we were only going to be matched with a situation where the child would be at least part AA, and that we were not open to CC situations. Maybe your friend is still imagining you with a CC baby- like she doesn't have the visual image of you with a brown baby in your arms? Be patient with her if you can. I think it takes friends a little more time to make that change in their heads- especially before an actual baby is around.

Then, about the naming: I think you should go with a name you love and not worry about it! Look at all the unusual names we use all the time: Oprah, Barack, Condoleezza, Tiger...I know my own Mom was going to name me Jennifer until she met FIVE other new Moms in the hospital who just named their daughters Jennifer. So, I ended up as the only Natalie and had about 20 Jennifers in my graduating class. (All of whom desperately tried to individualize themselves as Jenn, Jenni, Jenny, Jen, Jennie, Jenjen...you get the idea).

Natalie