[OakShannon]

I was shopping with David the other day and a young Asian woman rang up my groceries. This is the first thing she said to me when I walked up to her. "Is he mixed?" I told her no.

"What is he then?"
"He's African American."
"Oh" Long pause and she looks, frankly, unconvinced. "Because my friend has a son who is mixed Mien and black and he looks just like your son."

I want to add that the woman was very friendly and matter-of-fact. This is not a vent about a rude encounter because she clearly was not meaning to be rude and I didn't take it that way. (After looking at her name tag, I realized that she herself was Mien.) But it's been on my mind since then because this is at least the 5th or 6th time I've been asked by strangers if David is "mixed." Every time, the person asking has been either Asian or African American. Sometimes, it is assumed and the person just asks what he is mixed with. And once, a young African American man asked to look at my son because his wife (who was Asian) was expecting a baby boy and he was curious about what his son was going to look like.

I feel odd about it for two reasons. One: I have no idea what the answer to that question is, really. And two: I'm clearly not seeing what they're seeing, so the question always takes me aback. To me, David just looks black. I have always wanted to know, during these conversations, why the person asked. What are they noticing that I'm not seeing. This was the first time someone volunteered what she was thinking. So I looked at David and said, "It's a little bit in his eyes, isn't it?" She said, "Definitely the eyes. And here." Pointing to the very flat bridge of his nose.

I guess I'm just writing this because I know I'm not the only one here who is missing some information about my child's racial background. And I wondered if anyone else ever had this experience of being asked questions by strangers - not only about things you don't know but based upon characteristics you don't really see. I'm sure that this woman has a more nuanced eye than I do as a white person. It feels funny to me as his mother to not know this very basic thing about my child - and to have strangers seeing things about him that my white gaze is clearly missing.

[oceanica]

Well obviously I don't care for that term... what is he, a pomeranian? As opposed to "pure"?
But it sounds like she didn't mean it in a negative way.
But yeah... his eyes do look sort of exotic!
He is soo cute.

[OakShannon]

Thanks.

I know what you mean. But I hear the word used that way a lot, so I don't take offense.

[TxMom65]

Based on your profile picture I can't tell. Then again, I usually can't tell the race of any baby in the hospital nursery. heaven help me, don't they all look the same?

[millie58]

From a mixed AA, he probably is mixed. You just don't know how far back it goes. Most AA's are mixed; the features come out more in some than others.

[nickchris]

He may have Asian or other dna in his lineage. My oldest son is asked the same (is he mixed with Asian) quite a bit lately due to the shape of his eyes. As long as the question is stated in a respectful manner, I am not offended, because so many Americans are mixed with another race (s) We (my family) do identify as Black, but know that we have other racial mixtures in us.

[sbaglio]

To address the questioning part, I wrote a few weeks ago about how the same question was posed to me. I was at CVS, and this teenaged AA girl behind the till looked down at our DD and smiled. She asked, "Is she mixed?" I said yes. Then she asked, "Black with what?" Before I knew it, I had said, "With CC."

She was friendly and meant no harm or malice. My daughter is mixed and looks it, though you could argue that she just looks like a light-skinned black child too. I don't get offended by the term, nor do I use it that often. Funnily enough, she has often been thought to be Hispanic by people, especially when she is out with my DH (who is H himself).

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by sbaglio

To address the questioning part, I wrote a few weeks ago about how the same question was posed to me. I was at CVS, and this teenaged AA girl behind the till looked down at our DD and smiled. She asked, "Is she mixed?" I said yes. Then she asked, "Black with what?" Before I knew it, I had said, "With CC."

She was friendly and meant no harm or malice. My daughter is mixed and looks it, though you could argue that she just looks like a light-skinned black child too. I don't get offended by the term, nor do I use it that often. Funnily enough, she has often been thought to be Hispanic by people, especially when she is out with my DH (who is H himself).

I agree that I don't find the questions offensive. Just, I don't know . . . awkward? Because I don't know the answer, I suppose. And because I don't see it, really. But Nick and Millie - you make a good point about the fact that many AA people are mixed, so there is no telling how far back in his lineage it goes. I guess it struck me because I don't know anything about his bfather.

I'm attaching a very recent picture of my little bug. He just learned to eat with a spoon - clever boy!

[nickchris]

He is so handsome.. :-) The lady may see something that she is sensitive to from her genetic make-up, and background. That's what my dh told the older son, we do not know specifics. We have not ventured into any DNA testing program. In all reality your baby's biological dad may not know either. Other than that, DNA, culture, are fascinating topics.

[loveajax]

I had a post about something similar recently. My dd's birth dad (who is black) found out recently that his bio dad is not really his bio dad, and he likely will never find out. To me, it seems sort of "likely" that dd's birth dad may also be Asian. Since DD's birth dad does not identify as being Asian, I guess I am sort of "curious" but probably won't do DNA testing or anything, unless she is older and curious. (Of course, I would love for DD's birth dad to find out who his bio father is, but that's really his call!).

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by OakShannon

I'm attaching a very recent picture of my little bug. He just learned to eat with a spoon - clever boy!

I definitely see it. I have Asian in my lineage but I don;t know how far back. I know by word of mouth and some medical stuff (nothing serious) that Docs attributed to that once they found out.
Most people assume I'm "Full AA" so I go with that or I just say I'm Jamaican since both of my parents were born there. Jamaica has people of all colors and mixes so people take that answer and go.
Every once in a while though when people see my brothers and I together they can see a different feature in each of us that makes them ask if our family has "something else" in there.

[millie58]

He's adorable!!

I don't get offended either; this is just another way to educate folks that aren't in our circle!!

[MichelleL11]

I just wanted to chime in that I used to get this question on an everyday basis with my daughter when she was small (most thought she was AA/Hispanic or AA/CC) but now that she is two and 1/2 we never get that question.

Maybe because her looks have changed to a more "traditional" AA look (whatever that would mean!) as her skin is darker and her hair is much more prominent? Or maybe as she is older and more aware people are more sensitive so less nosy (although I doubt that -- HA)?

In any case, I did want to say that this may be a passing thing while your son is young and it may taper off as he gets older.

P.S. -- Now that I've signed in I can see your sweetie -- and he is so handsome -- and I do see what other might mean -- but I doubt I would ever say anything to you in the street . . .

[Cjmeck]

First of all, he's is ADORABLE. Seriously, I just want to squeeze him Secondly, I do not see what she is talking about either. He just looks AA to me. And lastly, I know she didn't mean anything by it, but I really dislike the term "mixed". I mean, dogs are mixed and some salads are mixed; but my child??? I just hate it. I am asked that often myself and I just find it very intrusive for a stranger to ask. I'd love to have a good follow up come back... My daughter's bfather was unknown (or unnamed) and just described at AA. I'm guessing he must have been fairly dark, and probably not "mixed" himself since our daughter is sometimes as dark as "full AA" children but she is biracial (AA/CC). So I sometimes wonder if people ask me if she's mixed b/c she may appear to be full AA to some. But in your son's situation, with his bdad being unknown--that would bother me to have others wanting an explanation to such a personal piece of information. I guess others violating my child's right to privacy is my hardest battle here. As well as not being able to give my child her entire history. Everyone is entitled to that basic right... Just sad and frustrating.

[txwannabemom]

are they asking when dh is around....

maybe they are really trying to ask if you are his biological mother? And his father is AA.

AA genetic history is just like CC genetic history-
most Americans of any race are a Heniz 57.

What he is is absolutely ADORABLE!