[JenC]

Seriously, don't read this if you don't want to hear a whole lotta whining and moping around. And to those few (um, you know who you are) who have commiserated with me on Facebook or email - you've heard it before, you can skip it too.

11 months. Seriously. I can't believe we've been waiting for an AA placement for that long. All we hear is that AA babies are so hard to place, yadda yadda yadda. Well apparently they are with us! We signed with a pretty popular agency last summer thinking that it wouldn't be long. With them, you don't know exactly when you're being shown. I'd get occasional calls about situations out of the normal, but here we are nearly a year later. 2 or 3 weeks ago we signed with a referral agency. We've been shown twice already with them. Weren't picked for either one. I've found some other AA situations around, but the fees are $25K or more, yet the agencies complain that they are hard to place...hello!

Maybe my expectations were too high. We already are raising one black child. I stay at home with him. (And I truly don't mean anything against working moms, each family does what's best for them. I worked for a bit but hated it, it wasn't right for us right now. End of disclosure.) I figured we just might look like a pretty good family. I wonder in the back of my mind if Emoms don't view Josh as "black enough" somehow since he's Ethiopian and doesn't have the same cultural heritage as AA's do.

We've started the update process with our PITA homestudy agency. I'm not that fond of them (mainly just because they're part time and it complicates everything) but they are in our town and the update's fairly easy.

We're a normal family. We don't take fancy vacations and we could bear to lose some weight, but that's life. We live in a small safe town. We visit the library and zoo. We're involved in church. International adoption was a ton more paperwork, but once we were approved, we were in. We didn't get rejected, there wasn't any sense of competition. International is way out of our budget this time, it would take a few more years before we could afford it again, and by that time things may not be as stable, who knows.

Why is this so hard?

Why doesn't anyone like us?

What's wrong with us?

Part of me just wants to give up and throw in the towel, but I'm not sure I can. I don't like roller coasters at all, so why did I sign up for this??

[megaphonemo]

I hear you. With DD#1, we were placed with a baby born after only 4 months..... Fast!! Then with DD#2, we finally came home with her as a newborn (and papers were signed) 11 months after we went in the book!! We never expected to wait that long!!! (it was 9 months to match- and she thought she was due anytime, but gave birth almost 1.5 months later).....

We did have a couple disappointments and one disruption in there... sometimes I think and I'd have rather waited the 9 months without those false starts (and the ups and downs of being chosen 3 times only to have bfamilies change their minds - it was crazy there for a while)... Then I'll think back to the baby we had, and wonder how she is and feel okay knowing that she needed us in her life if only for a few days.... Then sometimes I'll think that if we had gone through with any of the false starts we would not have DD#2, our Katie, now.....

I recall thinking the same thing, why aren't we more attactive now that we have one baby....? But you really never know what bfamilies might be thinking.... In the end, Katie's bfamily picked us because we had one daughter already of the same general heritage (CC and AA) and the bmom and I sort of looked alike. And she said that our video showed us a strong couple who would always fight for and stick up for our kids..... (which was funny because we thought we looked like total DORKS in our video! It is aweful!!) You just never know what will make you attractive. Maybe you can ask the agency if they ask bmoms or potential bmoms what they liked / disliked about profiles.....

Good luck, and stay focused. I know it is cliche now, but I really do believe the right baby finds you.....

Mega

[OakShannon]

Jen,

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. The wait is so hard! We waited 8 months to be matched with David through DCFS. In the meantime, we had 3 almost-matches that fell through. Our SW kept telling us what a great family we were and I kept thinking, "Then why isn't anyone calling us!" It can feel like a total rejection.

I know everyone says that it will happen when it's supposed to. And that's true! But I hope you can find a way to make the wait more tolerable. You sound like a wonderful mom.

[millie58]

Have you ever considered switching agencies?

[JenC]

We've signed on with a referral agency also, but a big reason we signed with the first agency was because of fees. We've got a $15K limit. I really didn't think that would hold us up at all.

[ChromaKelly]

I think unfortunately, the $15K limit might be what's holding you up.
The fees for Caleb's "situation" were quoted at $17K, but you know how that goes. We probably spent around $25K, including the homestudy, travel, post-placement visits, etc. We had some unexpected fees that I wasn't happy about, had to get an emergency transfer from a credit card, yikes!

I think there is also a lot more families that are now open to transracial domestic adoption as international programs have been shutting down and/or getting more difficult.

I don't think it's you/your family at all, although it's hard not to wonder. We were told to expect a wait because we have CC bio children, but it turns out that's one reason why Caleb's birthmom liked us, she thought the girls were adorable and actually preferred not to have first-time parents.

[mommamarci]

No advice, just ((((HUGS))))

Call if you need someone to listen to you whine or yell. I will listen!

[sugarandspice697]

I also agree with Chromakelly, its very difficult nowadays to adopt under 25K when its all said and done. I have also noticed that fewer agencies are charging less fees for AA and BR babies.

I was told that I would wait about 18 months to be matched with DD but it ended taking 2 years and 4 months! Trust me, when your baby comes the wait will be worth it.

[MB80sgirl]

I understand totally how you feel. We've been waiting 2 YEARS for an AA baby. I know it might be taking longer since we requested a girl, but I never thought it would take this long. It's easy to wonder what might be wrong with you.

[fiona-c]

Have faith.

Our daughter was born in 2000. In 2001 we had a little boy with us for 4 months and had to give him back to his biological father. (agency adoption). We waited and waited and waited for our second child. In 2003 we were looking at redoing our home study again and decided that in August when it expired our daughter would be an only child. We were signed up with our home study agency and an agency out of state plus I was calling about any other situation I could find that did not cost any money till placement.

We went on vacation in the beginning of April. While on vacation we talked to an agency in FL about a baby boy and an agency in GA about a baby girl, but neither situation was right for us. And money was a big issue for us because of our failed placement. We were both quite frustrated.

On paper (and in real life) we looked good (in my humble opinion). Interracial couple, stay at home mom, one black child already....... but it took forever for our perfect son to come to us.

We got back from vacation and less then a week later we got a call from our out of state agency about a baby boy who was born that day. Long story short, a week later we picked up our beloved son.

And now we cannot imagine having any other 2 children. They are perfect together and the perfect children. Our children are 3 years 10 months apart - a longer wait than I wanted ( I wanted 18 months apart like my brother and I), but we got the child we were meant to have.

Hang in there. I know we keep saying it on the boards, but your child will show up when she/he is suppose to.

[sugarandspice697]

Originally Posted by MB80sgirl

I understand totally how you feel. We've been waiting 2 YEARS for an AA baby. I know it might be taking longer since we requested a girl, but I never thought it would take this long. It's easy to wonder what might be wrong with you.

HOLY SMACK! Two years for a Black baby! Hang in there your baby will come!!