[CubanaYogini]

For those of you who haven't yet discovered John Raible's blog, check it out. Very helpful.

Here's a very interested entry about raising adoptees of color in isolation.

Same Story, Different Decade « John Raible Online

Comments?

[sbaglio]

Very interesting perspective. I thought the comments were even more interesting.

[DannieAS]

I thought it was interesting...

I think one thing that struck out at me was that one can live in a good diverse area, but the parent needs to make sure that they aren't just "satisfied" with meeting the community living requirement/preferred community, but actively seek to make sure the child is not isolated.

[bromanchik]

Well, Amen!

[OakShannon]

I'm a John Raible fan. I also read Harlow's Monkey - another blog with a lot of links to interesting adoption related articles and blogs. That's how I first found this particular John Raible entry. I'd recommend that one, too.

I know a lot of TRA parents don't necessarily agree, but this is something I feel pretty strongly about - largely because I've heard a lot of adult adoptees raised in isolation talk about how hard it was for them. Living in a majority-white area is not a choice I would feel good about as a TRA parent.

Pact's latest newsletter has an article about this subject, too. They talk about two common experiences in transracial families and the effects of those experiences on children - "Geographic Isolation" (you live in a predominately white area) and "Demographic or residential segregation" (your city or the larger metro area has a lot of people of color, but you live in a suburb that is majority white and/or you do not have close relationships with people who share your child's racial identity).

It's an interesting article. One quote:

"Parents in transracial families who live in Geographic or Demographic Isolation often protest that their children seem happy and well-adjusted, but children typically try to fit into the life in which they find themselves. However, it is important to remember that being different or "other" is a central reality of these children's existence, and at the same time they are not learning a cultural language that will connect them to people who share and understand this experience of otherness - so even among other people of color, they remain to some extent outsiders. This double-edged sword of racial or ethnic isolation often causes great angst and pain during teenage and adult years, and can lead to a real disconnect between adoptees and adoptive parents later in life, when the adult adoptees realize the cost to them of the choices their parents made (or didn't make)."

[oceanica]

This article and the comments bring up some really good things that we need to be thinking about.
I know this topic has been discussed ad nauseum here. Cultural isolation is problematic, even for bio kids. I talked to a Chinese person who's parents never introduced him to any type of Chinese culture and he just felt out there because he LOOKED so Chinese that it was hard to wrap your mind around the fact that he was more American than anything. And, how could it be good for any child, even a cc, to grow up only seeing other similar cc people?
Yet there is a balance to be found as we cannot all live in the middle of Harlem, Tenderloin or Chinatown, and we can't move to Ethiopia.
I think it's more important to have meaningful exposures with diverse people than to just see people on the street. Having the child interact with and spend time with people of color and people of the their own heritage. And not being "the only one" in the school. I think diversity can be found when we want to find it it in most places in America and as parents we need to find that and to make sure we strike as good a balance as we can for our kids.

[Saya]

I've read his blog before - I absolutely love his insightful writings on transracial adoption, and I've learned a lot from them. I struggle, though, with how to put some of his ideas into practice.

When we adopted our daughter (we are cc, she is Hispanic) we felt confident that we were in a good position to be a transracial family. We live in a diverse neighborhood. Our neighborhood elementary school (where she is supposed to go starting in Kindergarten) is 50%cc and 30% Hispanic, with the other 20% a mix of Black and Asian students. She sees and interacts with Hispanic kids, neighbors, professionals, etc. everyday. In her pre-school, of the 5 teachers in her current class, 2 are AA and 3 are Hispanic. So she's not living in "Whiteville" as John Raible has called it.

BUT our close friends, the ones who come to dinner weekly? Basically CC. And at almost 40 (next week - aghhhh!) I didn't really think I'd be starting to form new social circles at this time of my life. I mean, who has the time? I want to do whatever it takes to help my daughter grow up with a strong and positive sense of her identity, but I don't always know how. And I also don't want to start making friends with folks of different races and ethnicities just because I want role models for my daughter, which is (as has been discussed here before), incredibly rude.

[bajj]

I thought this was well worded. When we adopted my oldest son (hispanic) we lived in a neighborhood and town and state that he definitely did not "stick out" in. When we adopted my youngest son, there were not as many aa/cc kids around, but we did have close friends at church and that helped.

Since then we have moved. We are blessed to be in a neighborhood, school, and church that has more "minorities" than whites and my boys do not stick out at all. Their best friends come from many different backgrounds/races/cultures, etc.

As a family, we will always "stick out." I am just thankful my boys have people they feel they fit in with. I'm wondering what the teen years will be like for them.

[bajj]

Saya, when your daughter goes to school, you will meet new people. As you go to events at school and meet other parents, you will develop some friends. It's not rude for a friend to be a role model. I guess I can see how it would be if you made that friend for that sole reason.

[CubanaYogini]

I am hispanic (Cuban) with light skin. To most whites I look cc. When I was growing up my parents were recently emigrated. So their English was not good, and we followed Cuban customs and ate Cuban food at home.

Growing up in that family *I* felt an extreme sense of "otherness" that severely impacted me during my teen and young adult years (and also when I was a child).

I cannot even imagine what it will be like for my children.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Saya

BUT our close friends, the ones who come to dinner weekly? Basically CC. And at almost 40 (next week - aghhhh!) I didn't really think I'd be starting to form new social circles at this time of my life. I mean, who has the time?

Getting involved with your kids school, sports teams, etc will bring you new friends. I am almost 50 and I am always making new friends. Think of it as a new adventure.

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by oceanica

This article and the comments bring up some really good things that we need to be thinking about.
I know this topic has been discussed ad nauseum here. Cultural isolation is problematic, even for bio kids. I talked to a Chinese person who's parents never introduced him to any type of Chinese culture and he just felt out there because he LOOKED so Chinese that it was hard to wrap your mind around the fact that he was more American than anything. And, how could it be good for any child, even a cc, to grow up only seeing other similar cc people?
Yet there is a balance to be found as we cannot all live in the middle of Harlem, Tenderloin or Chinatown, and we can't move to Ethiopia.
I think it's more important to have meaningful exposures with diverse people than to just see people on the street. Having the child interact with and spend time with people of color and people of the their own heritage. And not being "the only one" in the school. I think diversity can be found when we want to find it it in most places in America and as parents we need to find that and to make sure we strike as good a balance as we can for our kids.

I have a friend who had a similar experience growing up. Her parents are from China, but her father came to the U.S. for work and she was raised in the Midwest in a very white area. She's told me that they never understood how hard that sense of isolation was for her.

It's hard to argue with a call for "balance." I really think that balance is all John Raible and others who write about this are asking for. We don't have to move to Harlem. But living in a predominantly white area, having only white friends or sending our children to a school where they are one of only a handful of children of color is not "balanced." Unfortunately, that's still a common experience for TRA kids, though.

Saya - I hear you about not wanting to make friends with people of color just so they can be roll models for our kids. No one wants to be used. I'm just picky about where David and I hang out. If the group isn't very diverse, we find some other class or park to go to. And I do make a point of chatting with mom's who are also raising kids of color - some white adoptive moms (or with biracial kiddos) - most moms of color. And I'm becoming friends with some great people who share the most significant roll that I have at the moment - that of a new mother. I'm not becoming friends with them just so that they can be a roll model for David. That would be icky. I've met some people that I really like and have a lot in common with - which as a SAHM is very nice for me!

[DannieAS]

Originally Posted by CubanaYogini

I am hispanic (Cuban) with light skin. To most whites I look cc. When I was growing up my parents were recently emigrated. So their English was not good, and we followed Cuban customs and ate Cuban food at home.

Growing up in that family *I* felt an extreme sense of "otherness" that severely impacted me during my teen and young adult years (and also when I was a child).

I cannot even imagine what it will be like for my children.

Me too...except my parents are now fluent in both English and Spanish, but it's interesting because sometimes I don't feel fully cc and sometimes I don't feel as if I'm really Cuban...just my perception

[BethanyB]

Awesome article. I have been trying to argue some of those points here for a long time. I love his statement about when our kids are young, they are the cute novelties in the neighborhood. Then as they grow into their teen years they become the minorities who want to date your sons or daughters... the outsiders. Isn't it interesting how the perspective changes? That is something I have always anticipated. Sure, my kids are young and cute now to the white population around us, however doesn't that all change when they become adults? Sad isn't it?

I'm so glad I took the time to buy a house in a diverse area. I think it was one of the best choices I have ever made.

[ChromaKelly]

"Demographic or residential segregation" (your city or the larger metro area has a lot of people of color, but you live in a suburb that is majority white and/or you do not have close relationships with people who share your child's racial identity).

This is where we are right now. We are planning to move in 5 years, or sooner if the housing market picks up. I wish I could have had a crystal ball and known we were going to adopt transracially when we moved here, or I would have picked a different area within our metro area.