[aclee]

I haven't read all the posts here...we do everything we can to be in diverse area. We've always done that...I think it's healthy for any child. My nieces had AA dolls long before DH and I said boo about adopting an AA child. That being said, I have two cousins who are Korean. Their parents bent over backward, around and every which way to immerse them in their culture. Celebrated the holidays, wore a lot of the traditional clothing...many family members learned some Korean. They had many Korean and Asian friends.

My two cousins are grown. They say they hated it all. In essence it never let them just be a family. They say they just wanted to grow up and be who they were and hang out with whoever they wanted to...that they know they are Korean, but that doesn't define the only thing about them that matters.

I don't think you can ignore race while raising a child transracially. I don't think they should be raised in isolation, but I think you can teach them to be proud of who they are, even if they are more unique than others around them.

JMO

edit to add: We took Ty to an African Drumming Expo, and he loved it...He's very rythmic even banging on his own toys. When we told family about it, they both groaned and said..."You're doing "it" to him...you're gonna make him weird!" & "Do you think his birth family would have taken him African Drumming?" The answer is no. I asked and M laughed at me. M and R have three children. Their two older children are in school and their best friends are CC.

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by aclee

I haven't read all the posts here...we do everything we can to be in diverse area. We've always done that...I think it's healthy for any child. My nieces had AA dolls long before DH and I said boo about adopting an AA child. That being said, I have two cousins who are Korean. Their parents bent over backward, around and every which way to immerse them in their culture. Celebrated the holidays, wore a lot of the traditional clothing...many family members learned some Korean. They had many Korean and Asian friends.

My two cousins are grown. They say they hated it all. In essence it never let them just be a family. They say they just wanted to grow up and be who they were and hang out with whoever they wanted to...that they know they are Korean, but that doesn't define the only thing about them that matters.

I don't think you can ignore race while raising a child transracially. I don't think they should be raised in isolation, but I think you can teach them to be proud of who they are, even if they are more unique than others around them.

Good. Because as the African American son of two white lesbians, I think David always will be.

I've actually heard several adult adoptees comment on that experience. A lot of people refer to that as the "tourism approach." At some point, it can make kids feel different and uncomfortable, although I think the intentions are certainly good. One mom at a panel discussion I was at described doing all of the things your nieces did and an adult Korean adoptee on the panel told her, "Your daughter doesn't need to know how to be Vietnamese. She needs to know how to be Vietnamese-American. Or, more broadly, how to be an Asian American woman." And she mentioned exactly the same issues that Sugar brought up. The sexual and "model minority" stereotypes. She said that the most important thing is to find adult roll models for our kids and to raise them in a diverse environment.

I'm going to do the best I can. And some day I'm sure that David will tell me where I messed it up. The thing is, all of our kids have this huge thing in common - being transracially adopted. But they are also individuals and they are going to have their own unique experiences of that identity. What will help David most is not necessarily the same thing that will be most important for Tyler, or Caleb or Athena or Julia. I think the best thing we can hope for is to develop a relationship with our kids that will allow us to talk with them honestly so that we can give our individual children what they need. Right now, David is so young that I'm grateful to have some guidance from families who walked this road before us. But ultimately the most important people for us to listen to are going to be our kids.

[sbaglio]

I'd much rather my child come to me when she is an adult and say, "I hated all that cultural immersion stuff you put me through", than her come to me and say that we never did anything to celebrate who she is. You can look at all the extra effort you put in as superfluous and not important, but I would argue that the damage would be greater if you took the opposite route and did nothing.

[aclee]

I agree...I would rather he told me I was weird than he told me we didn't do enough. That's why we were at African Drumming

As a funny side note, we were watching "Living with Michael" on Dateline (I think) last night. Because I like Michael Jackson and it was interesting, not cause he was black. But there was my little AA son next to me, rocking out when they played any portion of any MJ song. I'll be darned in the little munchkin didn't pull up his mini chair next to the couch when MJ was dancing, watching every move with intensity. I did explain to him that there was a little to much crotch grabbing for a toddler, but otherwise it was fine DH is a big MJ fan, so he was thrilled...

[oceanica]

Athena starts trying to dance if she hears MJ.. if seated she starts bouncing up and down, and if standing and holding on to something she can move her rear from side to side. I have no idea where she got these moves from. (It wasn't me.)