[Quesita]

Thank you so much for sharing this piece.

I am facing a set of HUGE life questions right now that I really don't know how to deal with. I LOVE my community. I lived and worked here for many years before I became a mom. As a resident of the nation's second-most diverse zip code, I have been very comfortable as a cc minority here. I am also delighted that my daughter hears many many languages in the streets and in the supermarket and on the elevator, and that she switches back and forth comfortably when greeted in Spanish, which was her first language, and the language spoken in her daycare. More people on the street look like her than me. In this neighborhood, she would never be "other." Transracial families are very common, and having a parent who is a different color is something that doesn't even beg attention. An elderly couple down the hall from our apartment have a slew of grandchildren ranging from white/blondish to dark skinned aa. It is a safe, beautiful, tree-lined neighborhood, in which almost everything I need is walking distance. Street festivals are held almost every weekend all summer. And NYC's best cultural offerings are a short subway ride away.

But the schools are lousy.

I keep looking at different school districts, and consider moving as my very very bright daughter gets older. When I see a district I like, I google the demographics. Almost always, it is 94% white non hispanic or some such thing.

A friend's son is 20 years old and brilliant. He is the product of the local public schools, the ones my daughter will attend if we continue to live here. A talented writer, self-taught musician, and quirky young man who reads Steven Hawkings during his subway commutes, he lives with his parents. He didn't go to college. No one he knew went to college. It just wasn't what kids in his circle did.

I want what is best for my daughter. And there is no simple, clear path to what is best for her.

[CubanaYogini]

Quesita, do you have a homeschooling or unschooling community in your area? Not sure if you are a working mom or not, but I know several working moms who are unschooling their kids.

I have a problem with the local schools, but not for the same reason as you. I am someone who was horribly failed by traditional schooling and refuse to let the same thing happen to my kids. I am sending my kids to an alternative private school. This school maintains racial diversity by keeping the tuition low and also providing scholarships to needy families. They are quite good at attracting minority students. They also have a lot of diversity in the teachers.

One of these days, I will start a thread about schooling. I think that TR families have unique considerations when it comes to schooling.

[Quesita]

Originally Posted by CubanaYogini

Quesita, do you have a homeschooling or unschooling community in your area? Not sure if you are a working mom or not, but I know several working moms who are unschooling their kids.

I have a problem with the local schools, but not for the same reason as you. I am someone who was horribly failed by traditional schooling and refuse to let the same thing happen to my kids. I am sending my kids to an alternative private school. This school maintains racial diversity by keeping the tuition low and also providing scholarships to needy families. They are quite good at attracting minority students. They also have a lot of diversity in the teachers.

One of these days, I will start a thread about schooling. I think that TR families have unique considerations when it comes to schooling.

I'm a single mom who works. Homeschooling is not an option. Private schools are an option, but the one that I like best has very few latinos. But she would learn Mandarin from first grade on, and being trilingual English/Spanish/Chinese would give her an enormous advantage in life. There is a fabulous charter school in the neighborhood that is very diverse, with a great emphasis on the arts and sciences and very project based. But you have to win a lottery to get into it. I will apply, of course, and in my fantasies she will be a student there. There is another neighborhood that I like, not as diverse as where I live now, but still a nice place, that would be both an easy commute to work for me (less than 15 minutes on the subway, as opposed to my current 15 minute walk) and also an easy commute to the UN school. Obviously lots of diversity there.

She is 2 1/2, and starting a pre-school I like in Sept. I have time to think about my options.

[CubanaYogini]

Quesita, I just want to say that you are amazing. I can tell that you love your daughter a lot.

[jraible]

Wow! It's not every day that I get to see such positive feedback on my writings. It makes me feel good to know that people are reading my blog AND that they basically like what they read. I frequently fear that people will NOT like what I say. But I go on and say it anyway. I am so used to encountering resistance and defensiveness...

Lastly, it is truly heartening to find more and more adoptive parents (and others) out here who understand, and who are open to learning from the experiences of those who have gone before them in the journey through adoption. Maybe we ARE making a difference, after all...

[BethanyB]

People are listening and they are learning. For some, it takes more time than others but I have always believed in speaking your mind nomatter what the opposition if you really believe in something.

As the CC mom to two black children, I have learned so much in the past five years and continue to learn more each day. By listening to others who have been through it, we can have insight to what our children may face and learn ways to better help them navigate through life.

[Saya]

Wow John, it's really you!!! I feel kind of wide-eyed in the presence of a celebrity!!

I actually mean it - I love your blog and your writings have made a real impact on me as a CC mom to a Latina daughter. Thank you so much for the important work you do - and I hope one day when my daughter is a little older we'll see you at PACT Camp!

I hope you come back and hang out here sometimes - this is a great group.

Originally Posted by jraible

Wow! It's not every day that I get to see such positive feedback on my writings. It makes me feel good to know that people are reading my blog AND that they basically like what they read. I frequently fear that people will NOT like what I say. But I go on and say it anyway. I am so used to encountering resistance and defensiveness...

Lastly, it is truly heartening to find more and more adoptive parents (and others) out here who understand, and who are open to learning from the experiences of those who have gone before them in the journey through adoption. Maybe we ARE making a difference, after all...

[anivan]

I read the article...and my heart sunk. I am raising an AA girl in a predominately white area and I guess according to this article I am stupid and naive and my dd's life is ruined once she stops being a cute little baby. What am I supposed to do? To me it seems stupid (and insulting) to purposely seek out AA people. I know this sounds bitter and sarcastic, but I truly do wonder what I am supposed to do now.

[oceanica]

anivan, you love her, that's important, or you wouldn't be reading this thread, right?
You wouldn't want her growing up feeling different all the time would you? You wouldn't want her to wish that she was white do you? If she never sees any other people of color, she's going to feel like she's from outer space or something because she is the only one in the world with brown skin. She could learn to hate her hair because it's not like ours, and we already have the cultural perception that long flowing blond hair is the standard of beauty, and now she never sees anyone else with hair like hers on top of that. It could lead to self-loathing. I wrote before that I read this study on adopted children who were black and it said that they did better than their bio counterparts overall but many (most) expressed a wish to be white. You don't want that to happen to your daughter do you?
As her parent you have to be the one to find diversity for her so she won't feel out of place, conspicuous, etc.
That would include finding some sort of setting for her where she would see other aa people and naturally get the feeling that she is beautiful the way she is and that there are other people who look like her. I don't think you should go up to someone and say "Hi can I be your friend so that my daughter will see an aa person?" That would be phony. But if you find settings where there is diversity, it could be more natural to talk to someone of a different race. And you could point out some little girl with really pretty braids in her hair and tell your dd how pretty she looks.

I live in a fairly diverse area so I don't feel I have any worries... my baby's doctor is black, and we see people of color in the supermarket, at church, and at the workplace all the time (she goes to work with me). But, I live in a gated community on the beachside and there are no aa people that I know of inside the gates. We all can't live in Harlem or tenderloin or an African country where our babies would be in a majority group and they would see predominantly other aa people. But I still think it is our responsibility as transracial parents to seek out diversity for our little ones and make sure they develop a positive self image.

[anivan]

It just hurts me to think that I have somehow damaged her by bringing her into my life. Of course, I want her to be proud of who she is and to have a cultural identity. It's not like there are no AA people anywhere. This is a college town so there is diversity. I don't know if this is stupid, but I do make an effort to stop at one of the playgrunds if I see AA kids playing there so she can see that people come in all colors. She also has a cousin in our home town that is AA and was adopted by white people too. I think that will be good for both of them to have eachother. They are only 10 months apart so they would go through school together. She is EVERYTHING to us and I would die myself to avoid her feeling any pain in her life. I just hate the implication that I selfishly adopted her because she is a novelty and that I didn't think about this beforehand.

[joskimo]

I am in the same boat as anivan here. As a multiracial family, we set out to adopt a non-cc child - I'm cc, dh is na and we have a bio daughter who is multiracial, and our adopted daughter is aa.

Our community is 75% cc, but our home is only 25% or 3/8 if you count part of dd#1. We aren't part of a large community, such as we can't go to another part of town to be more diverse - this is a stand alone commnity about a million miles from anything else. So have I irrepairably damaged my daughter? God I hope not. I get pretty excited when I see new AA kids at her daycare (we're up to 4 now, it's amazing). We also go to adoption camp annually, there are some AA adoptees but more Chinese adoptees then AA, but still it's fun seeing all the transracial families.

It's hard when you think that the choices you've made out of love may not be the best in the long run. My husband is also transracially adopted and he doesn't feel a strong connection to his heritage, but he's proud of it anyways. In the same turn, my older daughter NA/CC has not been raised in any traditional fashion to her NA heritage, but if asked to self-identify she ALWAYS says Eskimo, never part white part Eskimo - though when the mood suits her she'll flaunt some of the Irish and French I brought to the table.

For my aa daughter since I'm limited on the face to face exposure I can provide, I buy her lots of black babydolls, lots of books with black characters, I have taken a lot of effort to do some pretty hair (sometimes better then others), we attend the community MLK celebration and celebrate Kwanzaa, and we talk about race in ways that a 4 year old can understand.

[sugarandspice697]

...I guess according to this article I am stupid and naive and my dd's life is ruined once she stops being a cute little baby. What am I supposed to do?

You need to seek out diversity BEFORE your daughter starts to understand the concept of race and ethnicity. When your child is school-aged, your community will not see a cute Black baby with a White mom. They will see a Black child. You need to surround yourself around others AA people so she can have good role models. Although being around other transracially adopted kids is great, they cannot be role models for your child because they are going through the same trials and tribulations that your own daughter may be facing. Its even more important that you seek out other parents of color because a transracially adopted child will be at a disavantage in a CC neighborhood than a AA family in a CC neighborhood. All of the adults in your child's life will look like what the American standard is of beauty. Plus, when the CC kids tease your daughter she will have a harder time coming to you for advice because you look like the children who make fun of her.

To me it seems stupid (and insulting) to purposely seek out AA people. I know this sounds bitter and sarcastic, but I truly do wonder what I am supposed to do now.

Although it may seem stupid you it will mean everything to your daughter. Most people will understand your needs because you are a transracial family that's looking for help. What helped me with Julia was to leave my current church (which was 99% AA) and attend a different one (50% Asian and 50% CC). Although DP and I are both racial minorities (we're both AA) we still need other Asians in our lives because our daughter will be treated differently than us. She will have to fight the sexist stereotype that haunts Asian women and other positive stereotypes. Another thing to remember is that she will probably see very few people in magazines and in television that will look like her. Whereas, as an African-American women, I can see at least one person on television or in magazines that look similar to me.

Another thing you could do is join playgroups in your area. If there aren't any nearby then drive to one.

[anivan]

I appreciate the advice and I do understand it. I want Sydney to be a happy, secure woman someday with a mind of her own and a positive self identity. It still feels fake to me to seek out AA people just because my DD is AA, but I understand the meaning behind it. I think all of us are just trying to do the best we can for our children. All of this is good food for thought and it does make me want to put forth even more effort than I have been to make sure Sydney doesn't end up feeling like a round peg in a square hole her whole life.

[sugarandspice697]

anivan: Perhaps this will give us more insight as to how our children will someday have to staddle with two different identities. This will show us how difficult it will be for our children when their around people around their race. They may feel uncomfortable with people of their and our ethnicity just like we are at times.

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by anivan

I just hate the implication that I selfishly adopted her because she is a novelty and that I didn't think about this beforehand.

I'm sure you didn't adopt her selfishly or consider her a novelty. I think it can be painful to read these kinds of things and to think that our love for our children or our ability to parent our children is being brought into question. And that pain can stop us from wanting to look too deeply at the issue. You asked in your first post, "What can I do?" It sounds like you are feeling a little powerless, like there is little you can do to address this issue and so the idea that it is going to hurt your daughter is hard to face.

As far as it being "fake" to seek out African American people - maybe there is another way to look at that. It isn't "fake" to seek out new people when there are major changes in our lives. How many of us sought out other new parents when we had our children? You have an African American daughter and a transracial family. So creating connections to African American people and to the African American community is important not just for your daughter but your family as a whole. The way I see it, I do not just have a transracially adopted son. I have a transracial family. And finding other people who share my son's birth culture and race - and other parents who are raising African American children - is good for us and him.

Pact offers a service called "Building Community Across Cultures" that may be a help. I cannot recommend Pact highly enough. I know the director, Beth Hall, personally. She is a TRA parent herself. (Her younger child is off to college in the fall.) I have learned a great deal from her and have always found her to be knowledgeable, committed and nonjudgemental.

Here is the description from their website, Welcome to Pact, An Adoption Alliance.


Pact offers a variety of consultation services for families who are considering transracial or transnational adoption and as well as those who are already parenting children of a different race. If you are parenting across racial lines - or planning to do so - and have been wondering exactly how to bring more diversity into your family's circle and support your child's cultural and racial self-esteem, this program is designed to help.

Building Community Across Cultures (BCAC) will give you the opportunity to work with Pact staff in completing a detailed assessment of your current lifestyle and connections as you become (or continue your growth as) a family of color built through adoption. The BCAC program is divided into self-directed components involving personalized assessment work completed by the participant(s) and at least three meetings (or telephone consultations) with Pact staff. BCAC also includes access to Pact staff for check-in and progress reports to help you as you create your individualized plan to help you help your child become a strong, proud and culturally competent adult of color.