[Prettyboicris]

For those of you that have adopted Transracially already what were some challenges that you faced that you did not expect. I saw an article where a couple didnt expect certain things to be an issue for them so I was wondering what have other people's experiences been with this?

[aclee]

We were pretty prepared and had just started to feel like we could relax with the transracial part of it all a little when WHAM...DH and Ty were out at a restaurant and were completely ignored by everyone for 45 minutes, even after a couple of the families around him that were eating made a comment to their own waitress about it.

I guess our biggest challenge isn't dealing with it, since we're ready etc, it's the surprise attacks just when you get comfortable. For me, it's not hard to deal with when it happens, but it's hard to live your life always waiting for it.

[jaenelle]

Honestly we've had almost no problems. We live in a very small town with very few non-white people, but honestly everyone is very good to Yuna and treat her no differently than the other little kids in town (who are almost all white).

The one person we had trouble with initially was my aunt. She is probably somewhat prejudiced against black people, and when we first adopted Yuna she said some extremely venomous and nasty things about Yuna and about us.

Over time, her attitude has changed, and I believe she really does love Yuna now and has come to see the error of her ways. I am not sure what will happen with any future children, but I think she will be easier to deal with.

[In_limbo_for_now]

We havn't even got the kids in our home yet and we have had problems. Thank God for showing us to our church. We have a strong bond with many familes in our church and we will be the sixth or seventh adoptive family. I am very blessed to be friends with one family who has 2 beautiful bi-racial girls. We borrow the kids now and then to give Mom a break and to fill time in our lives. My father-in-law admits he is concerned about us adopting, DH's sister is fine with it to our face but we hear about it from others, DH's brother just adopted from Russia and are considering another from Ethiopia, thinks it is great (because we are breaking the ice but seems genuine in his support). My family is very supportive then I expected (more concerned with the damaging effects of FC then color). We have already heard "Why don't you go to Russia like brother?" from in the family and outside the family. Even our surrogate Mom who is AA said AA kids need AA famlies she retracted that when she realized we are commited to this and will open a can'o'whoop... on anyone in defense of our children and in defense of her family. We love our families but I am sure there will be BDay parties we will skip and some we won't get invited too.

On a positive note we had a class on Hair care for any race recently which was very informative.

[Magic_Hat]

We just brought our baby boy home so I don't have a lot of experience yet. He is African-American/Liberian. I have been a little disappointed in my family so far. They haven't acted as excited as they did with DD (Caucasian) and my aunt (who I love but she is a total nut) said some wacky things. They live very far away so it won't be a daily issue and I know once they meet the baby, they will fall in love and things will be much better. But I fully expect to have to police them about stuff they say. It's not necessarily mean stuff but still racist. They will not appreciate being policed but they'll figure it out quick or they just won't see us as much...and I know they won't want that.

So far, our friends and neighbors have been wonderful, as I expected.

Not sure what to expect from strangers.

[sugarandspice697]

So far, only the beginning of the process was hard because DP and I are in a unique situation. We're AA and DD is Chinese.There were many agencies and clinics that opposed our family because of our ethnicity and sexual orientation. Otherwise, we sometimes receive rude/ignorant comments but these are easy to handle. Our families love my daughter.

[nee18]

I think, for me, I wasn't prepared for the snoopy questions that total strangers will ask about his adoption just because it's more obvious that a non-transracial adoption. People somehow feel like they're entitled to information. But, this really doesn't happen too often and, more often than not, in our experience, has occurred with much older people who, I'm guessing, don't know much about adoption. I've actually been surprised by how many people DON'T ask for more info when they meet us for the first time. I think, in our generation, transracial adoption has become much more common than even we realized.

We haven't experienced any overt racism yet (that I'm aware of), but I'm sure it will happen with time-probably once our DS starts school. Even though we're as prepared as we can be for it, it will be the "surprise attacks" when we're feeling comfortable that I think will be hardest for us (as Aclee said).

[Prettyboicris]

I'm not so worried about my family because my family is multiracial both by marriage and by bloodline. I think that if my wife and I have an AA, dark skinned Biracial or hispanic child no one will really pay much attention to us where we live. I think however if we end up with a CC or asian child then we will get more looks since we are AA. I think people may think my wife is the "sitter" since that is what you see the majority of the time when there is an AA woman with a cc or asian child around where I live. I would worry that people might think that I was "kidnapping" my own child if we ended up with a CC or Asian child but not worrried about it enough to not be open to it. We will just cross that bridge when we get there.

[SupaModel]

Funny story... Well not really but my SW is AA and his wife is CC. They have 3 bio children. He daughter is very fair and looks CC. He said he went to pick up his daughter from school and the people there were asking his daughter if she knew that man. They assumed he wasn't her dad because he was AA.

My gf in Brooklyn has had same issues. She's AA (interracial marriage) and her youngest bio daugther could pass for CC. People always asked if she's the nanny. It really bothers her.

[BethanyB]

I went to Chuckie Cheese once with my kids and even though they have the hand stamps, the lady got down on her knees and said, "Did you come with her?"

I was like, WTH?

I think the most hurtful thing in the beginning for me was having some family make comments and other family members not be as excited about the adoption. As soon as my children came home my family was in love but those comments in the beginning really hurt and stay with me. Instead of having a "happy" experience while preparing for a new baby, I had a lot of stress and hurt instead. I won't ever get that back.

Since I am a single CC parent to two black kids and to tell you the truth, most people think they are my bio kids. I think they assume that my boyfriend is black. Many people often tell me that my kids look so much like me. LOL!

Most people are nice but many people have questions. Kids will have questions for your kids as well. I think the hardest thing for me has been hearing about racist incidents or hearing racist remarks from people I know, whether they be coworkers or friends. Those comments are not usually about my children specifically, but about AA people and that just kills me. I have lost a few friends over it. I can't tollerate it at all.

I am totally happy with my decision to adopt my children but there will be challenges for both you and the kids as they get older. You just have to deal with them as they come.

[mom2samuel]

Just a month or so ago, my hispanic son (who is 7)was getting upset with a girl at daycare. She was calling him "chocolate wife". I really feel stupid, because I didn't "get" the fact that she was meaning it in a derogatory manner. She did it one morning when I was dropping my other son off, and my ds was almost in tears, so we brought it to the director's attention. She spoke to the girl, who admitted she meant it as a racial slur. She would have called him "chocolate boy" but changed the second word thinking she might get away with it?! We live in a small town and hadn't encountered any problems yet, so it really bothered me.
My second incident is in my own family(again, just a few weeks ago). My 2 yr old ds is AA. We were sitting at my mom's one Sunday, and my brother-in-law is talking about a can of nuts my dad had, and said, "Give me some of those n****er toes".(referring to Brazilian nuts) My niece and I both lit into him, but he totally didn't get it. Then, a week ago, my sister said the same thing! Then, she tried to defend herself!
I realized with both these incidences, we have a long road ahead of us, and no matter what, we'll never be "safe" from inappropriate comments, even if they were meant innocently. You want to protect your children, and it's a sad commentary on our world that we instead have to educate them how to deal with this, even at young ages.

Michelle

[happymomminy]

I am in an interracial marriage, and I live in a very diverse town. There is an AA man at my son's preschool with two caucasian daughters. There are a multitude of different ethnicities here. My husband and I make it a point to be active in the community, with the PTA, etc. The principal of the elementary school knows we are looking to adopt from foster care. Obviously, we are open to any race. We have four boys so would really love a girl.

My bigger concern is if we apply to adopt a Caucasian girl. When I inquire online, I only get taken seriously, it seems, if the child is AA or biracial. Could be coincidence, who knows? But, that's what I'm sticking to when look at photolistings for now... . I think the local agency would really place anyone with us. We are just waiting now.

My family is very supportive, and my husband's family runs the gammet from Caucasian to Hispanic to AA and all kinds of mixes. Like Mr. Cris, a wide range would fit in our family without drawing raised eyebrows here, though if we adopted a blonde/blue-eyed girl, I'm sure my husband would get harassed outside of our neighborhood. Heck we got dirty looks in Georgia just with our birth kids. ...

We are hoping for the best no matter who the beautiful child we wind up with turns out to be, but do have open eyes about what could lie ahead.

[happymomminy]

Also here's a link to an article that appeared in Newsweek recently, about an AA couple who adopted a Caucasian girl:

What Adopting a White Girl Taught One Black Family | Newsweek Culture | Newsweek.com

[bevy]

We have had no issues really at all except one night when our daughter was in preschool and she was upset going to bed...long story short, she said "mom, see how your walls are brown but everything else is white? Well, thats how i feel. You just dont understand" It broke my heart to hear my just barely 5 year old use an analogy so "real" to her. She is such a strong person but has struggled off and on about being biracial in a very "white" community. Our son is full aa and hasnt even questioned anything yet.

[GDSinPA]

I like this thread because you are looking for experiences that were unexpected. It seems, however that in many cases, we think we know people and think we know our communities. Then we are surprised in both positive and negative ways.

Here are some things I did not expect, or at least did not expect to rise to the level they did.

Growing up, my family were total racists. Flash forward 15 years, and we've had zero problems within my family - they have been totally supportive from the beginning.

I've been most surprised by people's willingness to continue to express racism in our presence. One former friend once told us that our kids would not be like that because we were raising them.

Similarly, we have white people oogling and touching our girls when we are out. I totally understand some people doing a double take, but in a few cases, it's almost like we were some kind of traveling show. Yet in certain settings, there are just as many brown kids with brown parents and they won't even look them in the eye. This is surprising to me because we live in a very diverse area. It think the problem is that we are newly diverse.

One thing that surprises me about myself is how much confederate flags bother me. I live in PA - about 50 miles west of Philly, but I see lots of these hanging on houses, bumper stickered to vehicles, and on T-shirts. It totally frustrates me.

Blessings,
-Greg