[KLL08]

So I'm sure this comes up all the time, but I thought I would ask for some of your advice... Our beautiful baby girl is now 2 months old and I can't believe how big she is getting! She is such a wonderful baby! We are CC parents and she is biracial. Our entire extended family is madly in love with her and everyone has been so supportive except one great grandmother. We have already told her that there are certain words and name in her vocabulary that we will not tolerate around our daughter. I know that baby S is too young to understand now, but I want this woman to stop saying it now so she gets used to it! Well she continues to say completely rude and inappropriate things regarding our daughters race. I am trying to be respectful, but that's just not working. My only other thought is to write her an email telling her to drop it now or no longer see our daughter. I hate to do that, but I've really had it! Comments such as--Are you embarrassed to be in public with her, when your husband's not with you? Or telling me not to dress her in certain colors because she looks darker! I have about gone through the roof!!! Any other suggestions before I completely cut her out of our lives? Any thoughts are appreciated!!

[Wisdom]

Originally Posted by KLL08

Comments such as--Are you embarrassed to be in public with her, when your husband's not with you? Or telling me not to dress her in certain colors because she looks darker! I have about gone through the roof!!! Any other suggestions before I completely cut her out of our lives? Any thoughts are appreciated!!

I know the comments are frustrating but some of the statements you mentioned aren't racist or anything. It sounds like complete ignorance and stupidity. When she asks are you embarrassed when your DH isn't around why not just say no. Or to be funny and if you really want to jolt her say something like "no, it's always been my fantasy to be with an AA man." Watch her face turn beet red and you can be laughing on the inside. (Be sure to let your DH know what you said and that he's your one true love because no doubt what you said will get back to him.) When she says your DD looks darker in certain colors, tell her "thanks, I love her dark skin. I'll buy more of these colors to bring out her lovely skin tone." You can't let everyone get to you or you'll go crazy and have high blood pressure.

[arubagirl]

just tell her like it is.... tell he how uncomfortable and rude her comments are. Explain to her your little girl is part of this wonderful family and if she wants to see her she will have to accept her.

[Steph-Jason]

If the comments upset you then you should flat out tell her. Let her know that this is your daughter & those things will not be tolerated. Honestly, she may not realize how much she's hurting you unless you mention that she may not be able to see your daughter. Good luck- that would be a hard one for me to handle.

[karla-k]

My mother once made a comment that people are going to assume that I cheated on my husband because our son is Asian and we are both white.

All that comment did was reveal what a backwards world she lives in and how uneducated she is about international adoption.

I think perhaps try the snarky remarks back to her when she says something out of line, if that doesn't seem to work, you might have to address her in a more direct fashion.

[mommamarci]

I have to disagree with some of the others. Those comments may not be racist, but they are still offensive to me. I would put my foot down and insist they end or cut contact. Period. There is no way I would allow my daughter to grow up thinking she needs to wear certain colors of clothing because they make her skin look lighter which is better. I think my kids will encounter enough issues as transracial adoptees without adding in hurtful comments by family members.

Personally, I would send the e-mail. Tell her it has to stop or she won't be able to be a part of your daughter's life. See if that makes a difference. But, before sending it, be prepared to actually follow through and cut contact if there is no change.

[oceanica]

I'm with mommamarci.. that isn't good. It would upset me a lot. I would think about stopping it really.
That being said, my Mom has been telling me ever since I can remember that I should wear bright or light colors because I don't look good in the dark clothes with my dark skin and hair. It hasn't ruined my self esteem or stopped my big mouth from running on (obviously). What she says aggravates the hubby to no end though.

[sbaglio]

I completely agree with mommamarci and oceanica.

[joskids]

So do I. Those comments are all negative and will do nothing to help you raise a daughter who loves who she is for all that she is. I'd call Grandma, e-mail is the easy way out. I'd let her know that I am hurt and that she needs to search her soul and ask herself if her love for me is enough to help her see the world in a different "color." If not, she would never see my daughter again. Any kind of racism should not be tolerated. I had friends who didn't understand my dating a man of a different race. We are no longer in contact and I don't miss them at all. My husband, on the other hand, I would miss more than life itself.

[ocracoke]

I have run into the same problem. My grandmother is not racist but she repeats a lot of racist comments that have been ingrained into her. When my daughter first came home and I would get upset about it, people would tell me that my daughter didn't understand it anyway. Well now 2.5 years later she does understand and I don't want her to believe those things. People have told me that I can not change my grandmother so I should just drop it. But it isn't about my grandmother -- it is about my daughter. So I don't drop it. When I am faced with a racist, offensive or insensitive comment I sternly remind them they can believe what they want but they can not say those things to or around my daughter. I will not have it. And if they can not respect the way that I have opted to parent my child then I will limit their access to my child.

Samantha

[Gwen72]

When we announced we were adopting we let everyone know that we were open to race. While we were waiting, if someone said something inappropriate I would say, "would you talk like that about your own grandchild, nephew, cousin etc?" I let them know that I would not tolerate that kind of talk from the beginning. Once they met W they fell madly in love with him. No one has said anything inappropriate since he's been born. My advice is to tell your family member directly and firmly that her comments are inappropriate and will not be tolerated and then follow through if she pushes it.

[Cjmeck]

I completely understand why you are upset. Although what she's said are not racist comments--they do imply racism. And I hate to imagine what things she DOESN'T say. Honestly, I really don't believe people change. You could write her a letter, have a conversation about how ignorant, rude, hurtful, ect... she is being and MAYBE she would verbally edit herself--but you know she'd still be thinking these awful things. I would absolutely have the conversation with her, because this is the type of advocating you'll find you'll have to do for your child for the rest of her life so you might as well jump right into the game. In addition, I would definitely limit any contact this relative has with my child. Maybe Christmas or any other family gatherings--but no personal visits. Keep the relationship standoffish.
It is very sad to have to do this, but if this was my reality--I would absolutely do it.

[Larue]

DH and I are also CC. Our daughter is Mayan Indian, and we're hoping to foster-adopt and have asked to be placed with an AA, biracial or Hispanic child. We're very comfortable with being a transracial family. But we realize that not everyone is, and not everyone in our extended family is either. This is actually a great opportunity to talk about race, and how your family is going to help your daughter deal with the racism that she'll face one day as a woman of color.

This is a great grandmother right?! I'm guessing she's up there in the age department and that the world she came up in was quite different. (if my great grandmother were stil alive she'd be over a 100, but then I'm getting up there myself ) When she asks you if you’d be uncomfortable if someone thought you had an AA partner, she’s projecting her feelings onto you, because she would be uncomfortable and would go as far as trying to disguise her child’s race.

I wouldn’t cut off contact with her, just yet. I would start an open dialog about race and ask her why she feels this way. And explain why her comments are inappropriate and the impact they could have on your daughter. You may even ask other family members to talk to her about it as well. If in the end if you feel that she just doesn’t “get it”, then I would limit or stop having contact with her.

Wishing you luck!

[xotla]

My husband and I adopted an African-American girl transracially and I would not tolerate the types of comments you described. Realistically its true that your daughter does not understand them right now, but its important to emphasize what is wrong with these comments now before your daughter hears them.

Speaking not as an adoptive mother, but as the daughter of a white woman and a mexican father who identifies as Mexican I would say that hearing these types of comments from a family member could be quite harmful but especially if you are not comfortable making it publicly clear that you do not approve of such comments.

I grew up around some older extended family members who used to tell me not to go out in the sun with my white cousins because I would get "too dark" This type of comment and the ones you mention I would definitely consider racist. It was harmful that I had to hear such comments from people close to me and contributed to my sense as a young person that is was better to be light-skinned, that light-skinned girls were prettier etc. . But I strongly believe that the effect of these comments was mitigated because my mother always directly refuted and rejected these comments when they were made, thus teaching me that racism is not acceptable and should be challenged, even if it is uncomfortable. If you don't think you can be that direct it may be better to avoid this person in the future. (although that also creates problems because your child will not always be able to avoid racism and needs some other coping strategies)

Other commentators have noted they don't think what you said your great-grandmother was saying was "racist" and perhaps it is not the most virulent of racist things someone could say, but they are exactly the type of comments that contribute to an internalized racism, a sense that one is not as good as white people. Not to over emphasize the point but if your daughter hears that you may be embarrassed for others to think you conceived a child with an African-American man she could think(not that you think that, but that others do) ---"Should I be embarrassed to be with other African-American people? Am I shameful to my mother and father? Should I be embarrassed to be Black? " etc. . . These are not thoughts you want in your child's head.

[SHD]

I totally agree with you Xotla, these comments are racists.

Perhaps sending a letter or email might be a comfortable way to approach this relative buy I'm not quite sure that your true feelings would be completely relatable. To me the spoken word is much stronger and you can emphasize just how hurtful, whether she realizes it or not, these words are to you and your family. I personally don't think shooting back at her with a smart remark would work simply because it may go over her head. Be direct and to the point.

Your DD won't be able to send letters or emails to individuals in the future who hurt her with their comments. Such actions should be taken care of as soon as they are said. Get use to it now so that you can teach her how to handle these situations.

All my best to you and your family.