[ChromaKelly]

Everything I read tells me how beneficial it is to transracial adoptees to have a sibling of the same race in the family. I believe it, and I know it would be best. But, I honestly don't know if we can afford to adopt again. If another child landed on our doorstep, that would be great. But it just doesn't work like that! Caleb's adoption ended up way over budget and we're in the hole. Plus, we're maxed out on bedrooms at the moment. We're planning on moving, but can only do it if the housing market picks up.
I would really, really love to adopt again. I would love an older baby/young toddler next time. I keep perusing the "situations", and I almost hope to get call from one of the places we worked with, but it's all so unrealistic, at least any time soon.

OK, that kind of leads me to another question - is the benefit of having a same-race sibling only when they are close in age, or would like 3-4 years apart be fine too?

I have a cousin who was adopted from Korea, and she's the only transracial adoptee in the family. We're not close, but she doesn't seem to have issues with it. I would love to ask her, but how do you ask that?

[Sohmakun]

If you cannot afford to have anymore children then by all means DO NOT adopt again. Believe me, your child will know when there are not "wanted" by their parents and it would only wreck havoc on your relationship with them. If you want you son to have another sibling then make sure your whole heart is into it- along with the rest of the family's.

My only problem with having a sibling so far apart in age is the fact that they will have different interest because they are in different stages of their lives. Your son may feel like more of a "babysitter" to the new edition instead of a "playmate" I know I did when my third sister came into our family.

If theis cousin doesn't mind you asking then go ahead. Try to be curtious and listen to her advice too.

[Amber76]

Oh, how I understand what you are saying about this! We've thought about the same things. As far as the age difference goes, though, I don't think 3 or 4 years is a big deal at all. My older sister was 3 years older than me, and my younger sister is 6 years younger. My older sister and I talked about everything-even though we were so totally different that it isn't even funny-and I always felt like we were pretty close before she passed away a few years ago. My younger sister is my best friend in the whole world-6 years was a lot when we were 12 and 6, not so much when we were 12 and 18, and not an issue at all now that we are 32 and 26.

I wish our finances were a little healthier and our house a little bigger too, but we're going to try to find a way to adopt again because we want another child, and it would be icing on the cake if our second child could be Latino like Ben.
Good luck, Chroma! I hope that somehow you find yourself in a situation that is perfect for you and your family.

[Yash]

I don't think it's necessary to have a same race sibling.

3 to 4 years can be a lot during childhood, particularly if they are different sexes.

Can't help you with your cousin, other than just biting the bullet and asking her if she wouldn't mind you asking her some questions about her adoption. I have problems asking personal questions to my cousins that I'm not close to. I feel like it's an invasion of privacy.

At the end of the day, your son will be happy to have two older sisters who adore him and loving parents.

[joskids]

You'd be surprised what the future may hold. TRUST ME!!!! We planned on one adoption and did 4 and we are not, by any means, wealthy. Two of our children were placed from foster care.

If you don't adopt again, you may want to search out a diverse group in your area. I don't know where you live and what the diversity in your population is, but we belong to an interracial families group, one that started from a couple of white parents that adopted AA kids. The group has grown to about 30 families now, we meet monthly so that the kids can play, the parents can talk, and the children see other families that look like them. It's all good.

If you don't have such a group in the area, consider starting one. We are lucky to live in a diverse area where the schools are filled with multiracial and children with international family backgrounds.

Necessity is the mother of invention. I guess it's your turn to be the "mother".

[Amber76]

I wanted to add that I've read that it's beneficial to have more than one adopted child, period, even if they are not of the same race. I talked to a bunch of adult adoptees, and all of them said that sharing the fact that they were adopted was just as important, and to some more important, than whether the sibling was the same race or ethnicity as them. Just food for thought...

[nee18]

Just my personal opinion, but I don't think 3-4 years apart would be that big of a deal. Plenty of siblings out there are at least that far apart or more and grew up close. In fact, we plan on adopting another child transracially and that was our goal for how far apart in age they would be. It may help the oldest child bond with their new younger sibling by being able to help their parent(s) take care of the younger one. I think what joskids suggested is such a good idea, especially if you choose or are unable to adopt another child. We have a group like that near us and it's great. I think if you could connect your son with another child around his age that was adopted transracially, at least he could have someone else to relate to, even if they weren't a sibling.

I had to say, too, that I have a cousin that was adopted transracially from Korea too (well, it's my DH's cousin). I have always wanted to ask her questions too but just never knew how to approach it. She has also never seemed bothered by being the only person of her race in our family. I'd love to talk to her about her adoption and how she feels about certain things and hope, someday, we both feel comfortable enough to talk about those things.

As far as finances, especially if you're interested in adopting a little older infant/toddler, maybe adopting through foster care would be a good option to explore. If that's not a good fit for your family to add to your family, though, I really think your child will be fine as the only transracially adopted child in your family as long as you find other outlets for him to connect with other children in similar families and his own culture.

[loveajax]

Chroma, I would like to adopt again, for the reasons you mention (and because I feel sad thinking of DD as an only child....Caleb has cool older sisters!).

I have "sort of" come to the realization that it probably isn't happening for a number of reasons. But I always say "never say never." I also wouldn't worry about the age difference at all. I think if we adopt again, DD will be at least 4, maybe 5. I was four years younger than my sis and we are the best of friends! Good luck!!!

[Cjmeck]

First of all, on the age difference issue... my kids are over 5.5 years apart. I never in a million years would have planned that, but God knew better and it has been perfect. They get along so well and while my daughter is still young, they don't fight over toys. I have 3 siblings myself and the one I'm closest to is my little brother who is 9.5 years younger than me. So, closeness in age really has nothing to do with whether they'll get along. More about personalities.
My son (bio child) is CC and my daughter (adopted) is AA/CC. I get what everyone here is saying, really I do. But we are done building our family and so yes, my daughter will be the only one of her race. But I guess I'm okay with that for a few reasons. First, we do share part of her ethnicity; and the same ethnicity as her birthmom. Had my daughter not been placed for adoption, she would have (most likely) grown up the only AA/CC in her bio family. Second, our lives are diverse. We have friends from all races, dh is in the military. And we will always make it a priority to live in diverse areas, seek out diverse schools and maintain friendships with our AA friends. I could be all wrong about this, and maybe my daughter will write a book about how growing up the only adopted AA/CC person in her family ruined her life. But I don't think so. I think the harm can come when you are not aware that it COULD be an issue.
If you can adopt another AA child, then yes, that would be ideal. But if you cannot, then that's okay too. You are aware and Caleb will be fine! Goodness, can I talk or what??

[ChromaKelly]

Originally Posted by Sohmakun

If you cannot afford to have anymore children then by all means DO NOT adopt again. Believe me, your child will know when there are not "wanted" by their parents and it would only wreck havoc on your relationship with them. If you want you son to have another sibling then make sure your whole heart is into it- along with the rest of the family's.

My only problem with having a sibling so far apart in age is the fact that they will have different interest because they are in different stages of their lives. Your son may feel like more of a "babysitter" to the new edition instead of a "playmate" I know I did when my third sister came into our family.

If theis cousin doesn't mind you asking then go ahead. Try to be curtious and listen to her advice too.

What? I'm saying I don't know if we can afford the adoption FEES, not that we can't afford to raise another child. We just don't have another $25K (or more, who knows what fees will be like in 3 years) lying around. If we adopted another child, of course he/she would be very much wanted! That's what this whole post is about, we want to, just don't know if it's possible, so I'm asking about what if it's not possible. And I would never have the older child be simply a babysitter. Ainsley and Bea are 3 years older than Caleb, and at this stage, I think it's a great spacing, they are a little more independent, they love to help me, they are awesome big sisters. I guess I was thinking about how close A&B are, being twins, and I kind of wanted the same for Caleb.

Joskids - you're right, I don't know what the future will hold! I've been thinking about foster care in the future. Maybe once we move (we're planning on moving to a more diverse area).

I'll try to think of a good way to broach the adoption subject with my cousin. Maybe just like do you have any advice for me, something like that?

Thanks all! This thread has made me feel better.

[DannieAS]

Are you open to only private agencies? If money/Fees is an issue, sometimes this is a factor for why some people go through the state/county. But then that's a personal choice of what a person likes or has already experienced.

[Sohmakun]

Originally Posted by ChromaKelly

If we adopted another child, of course he/she would be very much wanted!

Dude, no need to shout. Calm down on the exclamations please they are unnecessary.

[ChromaKelly]

Originally Posted by Sohmakun

Dude, no need to shout. Calm down on the exclamations please they are unnecessary.

Oh excuse me.

[karla-k]

I have such a desire to adopt again after we get our son home! And I have found myself using his race as an excuse Our son is from Central Asia and we are CC, so he will be the only person of his race in our home. I don't see us adopting another Asian child (we don't qualify for most Asian countries after we get our son home) but perhaps Ethiopia, or a domestic adoption of a biracial child. I think it might be good for him to have another person who isn't CC. Then I start to overanalyze things and it gets crazy.

I think that if you really want to adopt again, there will be a way. We are not wealthy, but have managed to do this. As expensive as this process has been, it actually has encouraged me that it IS possible and we could do it again if we wanted to. Now, getting my husband on board, that is another miracle in the waiting

[ChromaKelly]

Originally Posted by DannieAS

Are you open to only private agencies? If money/Fees is an issue, sometimes this is a factor for why some people go through the state/county. But then that's a personal choice of what a person likes or has already experienced.

I'm open to going through the state as well. We considered it this go-round, but felt private was more straightforward. I do need to do more research into foster care. We would definitely consider that since I would really prefer a non-newborn if there is a next time. Nothing against newborns, I just keep picturing an older baby in my head, and I'm kind of all set with the sleepless nights.