[dalene]

I have a very difficult situation that I have no idea how to handle. We are in the process of adopting an AA baby due in a couple of weeks. We have wonderful family and friends that are as supportive as they can be given that they can't possibly understand where we're at
right now. The problem I'm having is with one of my best friends who has made what I see as negative comments regarding the baby's race twice now--once to her 4yo son and again last night on the phone to her husband when she was at our house. They see the comments as funny but I find them highly offensive. Last night I walked away from her when she was talking, but I didn't know what to say. These are very good friends of ours and I don't want to ruin a friendship over this,
but I know that I have to address it and let her know that I'm not okay with these comments. Also, if they continue, we won't be comfortable with our child being around them-and that would be extremely difficult because they are truly good friends of ours and I can see our children being close friends as well.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this topic in a nice way with her? I know it has to be done because she's definitely not getting it from subtle cues I've tried to give. I'd rather address it now before the baby comes than later--but I don't want to
botch it or ruin our friendship. I admit that right now, it's
strained anyway because she can't possibly understand how I'm feeling since she's never been here and I feel totally disconnected from her. I think this is normal and I can deal with that--but not with the racial comments that she sees as jokes. I don't know if there's any
way for me to make her undestand how it's made me feel--but I'm open to any and all advice, thoughts, etc. TIA!

P.S. of course we've gotten some negative comments from others who have asked about the baby's race--but no one as significant in our lives as this couple. Other people are easier for me to brush off and handle with conversation-stopping statements but since we're close to this couple and spend a lot of time with them, I can't just let it go.

[MB80sgirl]

I would just tell her that she's important to you & her friendship means a lot to you, but that those comments really bother you & hurt your feelings. That you want her involved in yours & your child's life but you want your child to feel good about herself & those kind of comments will make her feel bad. I know how hard this is, I'm the kind of person who doesnt like confrontation & really values friendship, but I know that I want my child (if she ever comes) to be around people who respect her & dont make fun of her. If your friend doesnt see it that way after you talk to her, you can at least know you tried.
I totally get how you feel, most of the time I feel like no one understands me & why adopting a specific type of child (AA girl) is so important to me, & if I had one good friend who really understood it would make this long wait just a little easier.

[JustPeachy]

Are you really sure you want them as friends? Seriously. I don't understand why they would make racial comments (joking or not) in general, but the fact that you are adopting an AA child and they still insist on making these comments suggests to me they don't have the characteristics I'd want in a friend, even if there is a long history.

I would address it ASAP and just come out with it. I wouldn't worry about "offending her" as long as you are direct and honest, there is nothing offensive about that. Tell her you find these comments unacceptable and ask her if she and her husband are willing to, for the sake of your friendship, stop saying these things in front of you. If she does not honor your feelings, I'm afraid you will need to reconsider this friendship. Maybe you and your husband can talk to this couple together and gauge their reactions. If they say you are being "too sensitive" or they are "only joking" they are disregarding your feelings. The proper response would be "sorry we offended you, we will respect your wishes and not say these things in your presence, as we value your friendship too much and don't want you to be upset." One would hope they would curtail or stop altogether this nonsense, but you cannot control what they think in private or say to others. You can't even control what they say in front of you, but I would hope that they would value your frienship enough to honor your wishes. Good luck with this.

[Linny]

I'm pretty much with the above; and as someone else already said, I wouldn't worry too much about offending her. This *is* 2008; and I seriously doubt they're unaware of the rude comments that are already being made? If she's a good friend, how could she NOT know? (not shouting here, just emphasizing)

I'd be calm, honest and open. I'd tell her like it is; and frankly, I wouldn't deal with anyone who couldn't be thrilled I was getting a baby (and the ethnicity of the baby shouldn't matter to them)....OR, anyone who felt I wasn't doing exactly what would make me/my family happy?!?!?! C'mon, out of respect for you and your family, shouldn't she have some sort of idea you're happy and thrilled that YOUR baby will be coming to you soon??? (You'd think so.)

This kind of thing happens all to often; and this is when you may have to decide what's best for your baby AND you. (Who wants to have anyone around them that would be racist, KWIM?)

Good luck; be open, but be firm. If this is/was any kind of friendship at all, they should know better!!!!

Sincerely,

Linny

[Celesyee]

Originally Posted by dalene

We have wonderful family and friends that are as supportive as they can be given that they can't possibly understand where we're at
right now...

...The problem I'm having is with one of my best friends who has made what I see as negative comments regarding the baby's race twice now.

To me these two statement are totally contradictory. I'm wondering how you can describe your friends as being supportive. I don't know about you, but supportive and negative don't usually go together.

In adoption, many PAPs may feel sickened from the fees involved in adoption, overwhelmed with the hs process, tired of the wait, scared of the what-if's. A supportive friend may not know what these worries are, but IMO a supportive friend should be there to listen...not make jokes, regardless if it's about the name you've chosen for your child, your child's birth state, or your child's ethnicity.

Originally Posted by dalene

These are very good friends of ours and I don't want to ruin a friendship over this...

...I'd rather address it now before the baby comes than later--but I don't want to
botch it or ruin our friendship.

I really don't see how you'd be ruining the friendship. She's the one making the negative comments...if anybody is ruining the friendship, it's her.

Because you've initiated this post, it sounds like you already know that talking to her now-and on an as needed basis-is about taking a stand for what you believe is in the best interest of your child and family. Research has concluded that children who are raised with healthy and positive ethnic pride have higher self-esteem and self-confidence.

I agree with the PPs about directly approaching your friend. Maybe sit her down and thank her for all the support she's given you throughout your family planning, but let her know that she's made some negative comments about your future child's ethnicity. Tell her that she may find her jokes funny, but to you, DH, and future child they are not funny and extremely offensive. Jokes can only go so far. Sometimes jokes are all fun and games, but more often they are hurtful and offensive.

Ask her how she'd feel if she was the only one of her ethnicity in a room full of people who all shared the same ethnicity. How would she feel when the other ppl started making jokes about her ethnicity?

Good luck!

[SHD]

I must say I agree with the previous posters. I just recently left my hairdresser after being a customer/friend for the past 25+ years. He sent me an email of a "joke" to say the least. I emailed him back that I didn't want to receive anymore "jokes" like this again and it was offensive not only to me but to my DBfriend and DD. He returned with a "Oh, get over it! I'm not talking about your bfriend or child." It's sad that he doesn't even realize how wrong he is. My bfriend said he wanted to go in with me on my next appointment and say something to him. I told him it wouldn't do any good because I am not going back. I haven't seen or heard from my hairdresser since, so much for our friendship.

These are the types of choices you as a parent and a steward of human nature must make. They are tough ones but they MUST be made.

Good luck and I'll be thinking of you and your family not only with your friends but until your baby girl is in your arms.

[Celesyee]

SHD--Good for you! I know how hard it is to find good friends and, especially somebody who knows how to do your hair right...but sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do. I can't stand it when somebody says, "oh, I but I wasn't talking about (you, your son, etc.) but when a "joke" or negative comment is made about a group, it includes all individuals within that group.

[Wisdom]

I'm in agreement with the other posters. The best way to handle it is to be truthful without worrying about hurt feelings. It's obvious that you and your friends are not like-minded when it comes to race. Like a snake sheds old skin, sometimes we have to shed old friends. Your child comes first. Congratulations on your upcoming adoption!

[dalene]

Thanks to all who have responded. I feel great just knowing that I'm not alone in my thinking and that I have every "right" to be concerned by this. I'm hoping to have this conversation with my friend tomorrow and see where it goes...I feel that this one needs to take place in person, so as much as I wanted to call her up today and get it over with, I refrained until I can see her tomorrow. I'll let you all know how it goes. The more I think about it, the more irritated I get by how little regard she gave to my feelings and how little respect for us and our child, not to mention all of humanity. I can't fathom how anyone could think that the comments she made are okay. These comments would never have been "okay" to me but are even less hurtful now. Dh and I just want to provide a positive environment for our child to grow up in, knowing that she is going to face comments like this at some point--but not from our family and friends who we choose to associate with!

[Celesyee]

Good luck Dalene! Please keep us posted! My thoughts are with you in this challenging time.

[Jensboys]

I agree with all others -- if she is someone that is willing to be offended over someone calling her on racist "jokes" then she isn't a person you should want as a friend.

My advice - -I hope you consider this practice because you will have MANY years of advocating for your child ahead of you. Continual comments, questions (some polite, some rude) and inquisitions, rude comments etc etc etc. Racism exists almost everywhere and being the strongest advocate for your child is probably one of your main roles as a transracial adoptive parent.

[chrisandaaron]

Good luck. If you don't get it out tomorrow, you can always wait until your baby has arrived. Once you look down at that little face depending on you...it is much easier to tell the person exactly what you think of their rude/racist/hurtful comment, friendship or not! My DH had a similar problem at work before we brought our DS home. He was the new guy, didn't want to cause too many waves, trying to lay low until he got a feel for the place. But once our DS was home...look out! It was very easy for him to say "I don't appreciate that comment/joke, is that how your really feel?" Now if someone makes an inappropiate joke or slur, they are faced with silence and everyone looking to DH to see what he will say. Many times the person apologizes before he even says anything.

Good luck. I hope your friend sees the error of her ways and finds ways to be more supportive of your journey!

[dalene]

I did talk to my friend today and it went okay. She didn't see why it bothered me at first; said that none of it was meant as racial comments and definitely not in a negative way. She also said that she grew up with a lot of racial diversity (I didn't, but that isn't the point) and those kinds of comments were common with her friends of other races, etc. At first, she said I was being overly sensitive, but I insisted that I wasn't. I let her know that it wasn't okay with us and that although we know there will be plenty of negative comments made about our child's race, we don't expect them to come from family and friends. After talking for a little while, she did say that she could see how it would be offensive to me and that she and her dh will be more careful in the future. She also referred back to some of our other conversations and asked if comments she'd made then had offended me because she wanted to say the right things in the future. Overall, it went well. I still don't understand her way of thinking about those particular comments, but I probably never will.

She also assured me that she and her dh are totally supportive of our adoption and can't wait to meet our daughter. We'll see what the future brings...if she does indeed keep the comments in check around us, everything should be fine...but I guess only time will tell.

I am protective of our unborn child and want to be her best advocate in all matters--I think my mama instincts are already kicking in! Although in all honesty, this had less to do with protecting our child and more to do with a lack of respect toward my own feelings.

Thanks for all of your thoughts --it was good to get my "feet wet" in addressing negative comments. I know it is just the beginning and I want to be more outspoken about it in the future.

[mommmmy]

Good for you.

Parenting often teaches us to stand up for ourselves and our children in ways we may not have before.

[SHD]

Congrats Dalene for having that first all important talk. It's nice to hear she was willing to sit and listen to how you feel rather than getting defensive. Hopefully she can learn a little from this whole situation too. I'm glad it worked out for you.

Thanks Celesyee, it was a difficult decision to make but like you said, sometimes it has to be done.