[dalene]

The birthmom (I'll call her Mia) who is considering us called me for the 2nd time this morning! We talked for an hour and I am more impressed with her than ever--she is an awesome person who is truly trying to do what is right in her life! She was very open about her pregnancy and past and seemed comfortable telling me about it, which was great because I want whatever information she will give me. I found out that this baby is a boy and the due date is October 8th. Mia wants contact with us before the birth, but not afterwards because she thinks it will be too difficult. I assured her thath we respect her decisions. Then she invited us to her last scheduled u/s on Monday!!! It is 3 1/2 hours away, but DH happens to have Mondays and Tuesdays off every week so that should definitely work for us. I'm so excited because Mia will be able to meet us and we'll be able to view the u/s which is an amazing privilege I wasn't expecting. Mia is AA as is the baby's father. DH and I are both CC. Mia & I have hit it off great on the phone--but I hope that we can do the same in person. If you've been in a smiliar situation and have any advice for our first meeting with her at the dr. office, I'd love to hear it!

[aclee]

Any chance you could meet her before the Dr's appointment? I know that it is a long drive but what if you drove out on Friday or over the weekend and just took her out for lunch?

We first met Ty's bmom at the hospital. He was a baby born situation. We have a great relationship with her, and I credit that to the fact we asked to meet her outside the nursery in a private conference room and we sat and talked with her for quite a while till she finally said, "Would you like to go see your son?" To me, meeting for the first time at the ultrasound makes your meeting very much about the baby. Maybe try to even meet her before the appointment and walk around a mall (if she's up for it) or for a soda somewhere. Something to ease the transistion from 1st meeting to here is a picture of the baby in my uterus. I'm sure it's very, very exciting, but try as much as you can to focus on HER at the appointment. Ask her how she's feeling etc.

Ty's bmom told me (and was embarrassed to say it in front of DH) that she was really worried because Ty would be the 1st of her children that she didn't breastfeed. I asked if she meant worried for him, and she said, no she was worried about how much pain she would be in when her milk came in. When we saw her at court I pulled her aside and asked how she was feeling in that way, and she was SO appreciative. She had shared something personal with me, and I remembered and cared how she was doing. Making that type of connection with her personally helped us have a relationship outside of Tyler, and I've loved that. We talk about school and her parented children and even joke how both our SO's don't do the laundry unless they are out of underwear.

I guess just try to make a connection with her besides the baby if you can. In the early months, when there is only so much "baby" stuff to talk about, it helps to actually know her more as a person than just as a birthmom.

[dalene]

Aclee,
Thanks for your thoughts. We will probably go down Sunday afternoon and stay with my aunt & uncle who live about 45 minutes from Mia anyway. Maybe we could take her to supper the night before or even an early breakfast the morning of (her appointment is at 8:00 a.m.)...I'll ask her if that sounds like something she'd like to do. I was thinking that it would be really awkward to just meet her at the dr. office for the first time. When she called, I had planned to just stick to talking about her and getting to know her, but she immediately brought up the baby and her pg. We were able to get back to her life, though, and it was nice to feel like I know more about who she is now and hopefully she feels like I'm interested in her as a person. I want her to know that I truly am interested in her and value her as a person.

[cmcmanigal]

I agree that showing genuine interest in her and not just the baby is very important. Going to lunch or something like that before or after the appt would be nice.

We travelled to meet DS's BMom before he was born. We didn't go to a Dr. Appt with her, but we spent about 5 hours together. First lunch, then shopping then to a movie.

I was crazy nervous but VERY glad we got to know each other better and spend time together before the birth.

Good luck!

[loveajax]

We met DD's birth parents three times before she was born (and we were present at the birth). It is really such a gift to be able to meet and talk and share, etc. etc. I wish you a lot of luck!! I know you are nervous but she will be too, I bet! If it is a situation where there will not be contact after birth, I think it's important to write down everything (after the fact!) that you learn about Mia and the birth dad so that if you adopt this baby, he will have as much information as possible.

[dalene]

I love all of the good ideas. She did tell me today that she wants contact before the birth so that she knows she's choosing the right family but she doesn't want contact afterwards because it would be too difficult for her. I started an adoption journal when we first started our homestudy, just journaling details about the experiences, etc. I've been journaling contact with Mia as well--which will hopefully be something our child will want to read someday and get to know more about the journey that led us to him and about his birth family. She's not sure who the father is so we won't have any information about him--which is unfortunate, but I will get as much info. about her and her family as I can and let her know that if she should ever want contact later, we would definitely be open to that. All she would have to do is contact the agency and they would get in touch with us.

[dalene]

Just thought I'd post a quick update and thank you again for all of your good ideas. I just talked to Mia (birthmom) again this morning and we are going to pick her up and take her and a friend to dinner tomorrow night! I called and asked if she would like to do that since meeting at the dr. office for the first time on Monday morning might be awkward. She said eating sounded great and asked if she could bring a friend, which is a great idea! I'm glad she asked because I didn't even think about it. It would be really intimidating to go with two total strangers (although I hope she doesn't consider me a total stranger at this point) and eat a meal alone...so I'm glad she spoke up! I'm so excited and can't wait to meet her. Then on Monday morning we'll go to her dr. appointment and ultrasound at 8:00 a.m! I may not be able to post again until late Monday night or Tuesday morning since we're going down early to stay with my aunt & uncle tonight and will come back on Monday sometime. Just keep us in your thoughts.

[ourdreamcametru]

No advice here since you are already there and preparing to meet "Mia" for the first time. Just wanted to let you know that you are in our thoughts and prayers that this meeting goes great. Hope you all hit it off in person and this is the start of a lifelong friendship. Can't wait to here all about it when you get home.

[dalene]

warning: this is LONG!!! I don't know what else to say but our weekend was awesome! We met with Mia (birthmom) on Sunday evening for supper. Whoever she had wanted to come with her wasn't able to come, so it was just the 3 of us and she was nervous (so were we) until she got in the car and said "this isn't wierd like I thought it would be!" So that kind of tells the whole story--it was just great. She was comfortable immediately and so were we. We sat at a restaraunt and talked over supper for 2 hours and learned so much about her, her life, her family, etc. and shared with her about us and our lives and family! The only thing about the adoption that even came up was when she asked us, kind of out of the blue, if we wanted to be at the hospital when the baby is born. So-that gave us an idea of what she was thinking as far as her choice regarding us.

Today we took her to her dr. appointment and out to eat afterwards and it was even better because we were 100% comfortable and more sure of our relationship with her. The dr. is concerned because baby boy is small for the stage in pg. (possibly related to her high b/p and possible placenta issues). He couldn't be sure about it yet and didn't seem too concerned yet, but he wants to see her in 2 weeks for another u/s and if he hasn't grown enough by then they'll have to consider taking him early. Yikes--we could be parents in just a few weeks--at the most 5 or 6!!! It's so exciting, though. We got to see him on the u/s screen and Mia handed the printed out pictures to me when the dr. gave them to her. I looked at them and asked if she wanted them back but she just shook her head no and said we should have them. Of course I can't determine much from them, but they're still amazing. When we dropped her by her house and said goodbye, she gave me a big hug and then gave DH a big hug, too! That was great because it helped us to know that she was feeling the same way towards us that we are towards her!

I called the s/w on the way home and Mia had already called and told her that she loves us! So we'll be officially matched in a day or so, whenever the paperwork is ready to sign!!!

I'm going back next Wed. to take her to her regular appt. with the ob--then we'll both go back down in 2 weeks for the next u/s with the high risk dr. I really am excited to support her and be here for her during the rest of this pg. It doesn't seem like she has much support or anyone to really nurture and take care of her--and at such an anxious time and I'm thrilled to be able to have this relationship right now, so it's a win-win at this point!!!

[katie52]

Amazing story. Congratulations to all of you for being so open and working together for the baby.

We were at the prenatal visits, and the delivery room for both of our akids. It is something we will never ever forget. And i really think it is helpful for the kids when they get older, to see the afamily and the bfamily coming together before their birth, and making life plans. Our kids treasure the pix of those times.

If you do truly bond well with the bmom. she may in fact want some visits later on. Be ready and open for her to possibly change her mind. It will be hard for her, but not seeing him may be harder.