[BethanyB]

You know I'm at a loss for words today over some of the things I have read. I can't for the life of me understand why someone can't believe in something passionately without someone who doesn't share their views or experiences getting offended and having to fight it out to prove themselves to be right.

You know I have read many things online and have heard many things IRL that have hurt me to the core because of my experiences. I am the mom to beautiful AA children. I have heard things that make me sick. Things that have made me mistrust people in my life and make me want to stand back and push others aside.

It hurts me when people make generalizations about AA's. It hurts me to see such racism in the world. Because I was open to race does not mean you have to be. Because I believe a child needs to grow up seeing other people who look like him does not mean you have to believe the same thing. Because I believe stereotypes hurt people does not mean you have to feel that way. BUT remember that many of us with AA kids have heard things that make us sad and angry. Topics like these are never easy. Maybe these topics are even harder for CC parents of black kids because we have not grown up understanding and being taught how to deal with this. We do not have the experience of watching our families deal with racist remarks.

I have had friends ask why I didn't adopt one of those cute Chinese babies. I have had friends say that they didn't like being the minority in certain places and that AA's were the majority - unfortunately. I have been humiliated at a work party where a coworker told me a story of how her son called a black little people doll a monkey. Only to have her laugh in front of everyone. Let's just say the whole room got quiet. Did any of my dear friends say anything? No. They were mortified but no one shared my outrage out loud. Then to have this girl who I need to work with make it all about her and how upset she feels.

I have students who have told me that black people are the ones who kill and shoot people. And the parent of that same child call me with her "concerns" about there being so many black kids in the class. There were three black kids out of 23 total. Right now a family in the town where I teach is being prosecuted for threatening the black neighbors to move out of town. I could go on and on.

When we get into these emotional topics, this is not about evil CC people who want to only adopt CC children. I have NEVER had a problem with that. It upsets me to have THAT take over as the most important point in a situation for me that runs so much deeper. When I hear things in the media or real life it makes me so mad for my kids. That they will have to deal with this stuff and it breaks me heart. Because my kids are beatiful too. My kids deserve to grow up happy and healthy. My kids are going to have struggles in trying to prove themselves past the point of the color of their skin. This is not about one race of children being more beautiful than another. This is about the challenges that transracial families face. Challenges that need to be looked at closely for the sake of the child.

So please remember that when those of us mother bear parents get into these emotional situations. Those of us who do have kids who are minorities are trying the best we can to deal with racism first ourselves before we can help our kids.

[mom2behappy]

you worded this post beautifully and I appreciate it whole heartedly, your a wonderful mom to your kids I can feel from your post.

[mig42]

very well said!!

[Cjmeck]

Wish I had more time to post, but I'm so glad I read this today. Really. Such a beautiful post and I agree completely.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

I think it is all too easy for people who are not confronted by racism on a day-to-day basis to minimize it and think "what's the big deal?" The reality, as you point out, is that it IS a big deal. And when it's your child who is the victim, then how can you NOT be sensitive about it?

[BethanyB]

Thanks for your responses. I think it is hard for people to understand why some of us get so upset over topics like these because they are not in the same situation. I can tell you it hurts to the core and I feel like I do have to be that strong protective mom.

[sunsetsky]

I am sorry you have to deal with such ignorant people. People who think you are ignorant too. Stop the pressing.... You don't let them do that. I am glad you are being loud because your children are watching or your children may be having the same experience in their daily at school. As an AA mother that is that way I teach my kids. I point it to my children when I see a wrong... Even if its littering. My daughter will tell you "look that man is littering it hurting our earth." Racism is the same way. It has to be met head-on. Don't wait until it is in our child's face or your front door. Stay strong!!!!

[SupaModel]

Well as an AA woman who is raising an AA son I worry about this all the time. I know far to well about generalization and prejudice first hand. We have NO CHOICE but to live this EVERYDAY. I definitely have concerns about what is my child going to go through being 1 of 5 AA kids in the school. Even walking down the street. Driving his car being pulled over by police etc... I grew up in an enviorment being harrass by the police for the DARK color of my skin. TRUST ME THIS HAPPENS! I go to department stores and am followed around because "people like me" steel. This STILL happens to me now. I grew up in the inner city so I DEFINITELY worry how will my son be treated in the suburban mostly CC area.

Luckily I am aware of what can go on and my husband I are prepared for this situation. One DH was concerned with having a AA son because he felt can I really do him justice when he comes home and tell him somebody picked on him for being AA. Or someone is harrassing him etc.. He definitely wouldn't stand for it BUT he knows it's a hurt he could never understand.

I think it's amazing that DH even thinks about that. People who don't live it and really don't know. They think they do because they have a co-worker who's AA or a casual friend but it's different when it's your reality DAILY.

I tell DH all the time. Your a 6 ft 5 , blonde, blue eyed male in America. You really have no idea. He's definitly more aware than most people I know but still. I also find it insulting that some CC people see me now and just assume oh you have sooo good and your really not like "them." Or be dimissive or what I went through. I still have nightmare's and panick attacks because of things I went through as a child. That's something I wouldn't wish on anybody.

I think the world would be a better place if instead of judging people would really get to know people in diffrent communities. I mean actually spend time in the inner city and realize what it is to grow up in that envioment. I mean LISTEN to their stories instead of deciding what's fact or fiction. It really is a war zone with so many of our children dying! I know I worry about my family daily. Maybe it wouldn't be so easy for them to make light of it. Maybe people dont want to believe the truth? I guess ignorance can be bless.

Some of us don't have the luxury of turning it off.

[KarynB]

Hey Bethany,

Thanks for your post. It really speaks to so many of the things I think and feel at times.

We've had to deal with our older son being called the "n" word. We had to have his kindergarten teacher removed from the classroom for her racism towards him and other children of colour. And every time I look into my kids' faces, I can't understand for the life of me why some people can't see what I see - these beautiful kids with hearts of gold.

I have a hard time coming to this forum sometimes because of things I read, but I believe I owe it to my kids - to learn from other people and to share what I believe. And if it hurts me to read it, this is only a fraction of the pain racism will cause them in their lives.

Again, thanks for the post.

[cbrink7]

VERY beautiful post

[atouchofheaven]

okay, so i agree with what everyone is posting about raising transracial families in today's world. i am CC and grew up in a pretty diverse area in the northeast. my son is hispanic and AA, and looks biracial. when we adopted him we, of course, knew a little bit about what he would be facing as he gets older. especially being an AA male. but not to the extent of what i've been hearing on this post and others. some of these stories are horrifying. and i'll admit, really scary to me.

so my question is, how do i know if i'm parenting him well enough to deal with this stuff in the future? and how do i know what to say when something about his race happens that hurts him? does anyone have any stories of helping their child through all this yucky stuff that is hard to understand for a child?

i saw a video on understandingrace.org where a they do a "doll test" and poll AA children on which doll they prefer. the choices are the exact same doll, one white, one black. the majority chose the white doll. then they asked which doll is the "good" doll, and all picked the white doll. then they asked one little girl which doll was the "bad" doll and she thought for a moment then pointed to the black one. and they said, "which one looks like you?" and she pointed to the black one again. and the look on her face was heartbreaking. you could tell she was putting two and two together. i almost cried.

how do we protect our kids and change these stereotypes (at least with the people around them)? where i live, none of this is immediately apparant. we don't have people chasing others out of the neighborhood or calling names (at least that i'm aware of) but i'm sure it happens in subtle ways.

i'm scared when my son gets older and starts seeing these differences. right now he's only two and we're mom and dad even though we don't look like him. but i'm scared for his future; getting followed in the store, being told he can't be friends with certain kids, getting pulled over for no reason.

i've never had these situations to deal with so i can't imagine how it would feel to someone and how to make it better. but i am determined to do what i can.