[veggiegirl]

We've been home with our new dauther Ella Grace for 2 weeks now. We have had soooo many visitors it's been just unreal - in a good way! One thing I keep hearing over and over again from visitors is "She's not very dark." They seem to say it like it's a good thing - that lighter skinned is better. I'm never quite sure how to respond so I usually just shrug and say, "Well, it can take a while for AA babies color to come in all the way." and then I point out that her ears are darker than the rest of her face and also the fact that her arms and legs used to be almost white, but are now a lot darker. I also say, "Well, it doesn't matter to us how dark she is." That one seems to make people uncomfortable. Most stammer a bit and say something like, "Of course not, doesn't matter to me!"

Why do people say stupid things like this?

[SupaModel]

Unless people have been around AA babies then they really don't know. Most AA babies come out very light and then (sometimes) get darker.

I've noticed all of my friends say that too. Also about his hair etc...

I really don't think they mean any harm. DH is CC and I still have to teach him things about DS. Like how to comb his hair etc...

[Wisdom]

I think most people say things like that because dark skin is an issue for them. If an AA friend of mine saw my baby for the first time (I'm AA) and said "oh, she's not that dark" I would know exactly what she meant...dark skin is looked down upon by her. Whether it's coming from an AA person or CC, it reflects the persons thoughts about dark skin. But do they mean harm? No or they wouldn't say it. It's just ignorance...and perhaps preference for lighter skin...?

[CaddoRose]

People who haven't seen any or many AA babies, don't know that they are usually lighter at birth and get darker as they age, so the remark probably stems from that. Of course there are those who think it's a good thing her skin is lighter because they think she will stay that way and for them, that's a preference(albeit an ignorant one).

I love her name, by the way.

[aclee]

Ty was very light skinned when we first met him, but slowly came into his color as we were in St. Louis, and continues too actually. So people saw it in pictures, plus the pictures, given the light, could vary, so everyone was asking how dark he was, and then when we got home saying, how he looked darker than in the pictures. With most of my family, I knew it was just interest. With some people, mostly AA people actually, because they are aware of the "indicators" for how dark a child will end up, would comment, oh he's gonna be really dark, in a sad disappointed voice and look at me. I would look at them and say, "I know! I can't wait!" and smile. With my family, I would tell them how to tell how dark Ty could end up (it's not a science)...most of them were excited to learn about it and found it interesting.

In my experience, people were mostly saying it because it was something unknown, so they asked. If I thought it was out of a preference for a lighter skin, or if lighter was better...honestly I'm not sure what I would say. I guess I have the opposite problem actually I think explaining that it take a while for them to come into their color (which is how the AA nurses explained it) is a good way to see it. We were told the base of the nails, ears and the scrotum...that last one doesn't really work for you, but so far they are holding true for Ty....he almost matches his ears now

[Linny]

Yeah....we've gotten these comments often (all three of our youngest babies are AA).
Most of the time, it just depends on how or who is asking. It's the 'how' more than not; and in the negative sense, I do believe it's because that particular person has a problem with the darker skin. (Again, it's all in how it's asked, I suppose.)
Most of us who have AA babies, know they go through a process of 'toasting' as one of my friends referred to it; and yet, I don't think I've ever heard any person remark that a CC baby was 'sooo white', have they?
Again, I think it has a lot more to do with HOW it's asked, rather than the question at all. In our case, we've heard these comments 'both' ways.

Sincerely,

Linny

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I think perhaps they are surprised (especially if they are not around AA as babies) and some are probably curious about her heritage wondering if she is AA and ?? . They may be looking to you to fill them in on the info.

Kim

[mommamarci]

I can top that!

Cameron is biracial, but he looks CC. We had to have monthly post placement visits until we finalized his adoption. During those, we had a total of 4 different social workers come to our home. Three of the four remarked on how lucky we were because he was so light. One even said he looked Gautamalan! (spelling...) Umm, nothing against Guat babies, but is it supposed to be a better to look Gaut than AA? If I thought that, would I have adopted AA?

Needless to say we did not go back to that agency for our next home study...

[BethanyB]

I have heard the same things about my kids when they were born and now my son is very brown and my daughter remained light. I do think some people see the light skin as you having lucked out. Unfortunatly many people still see light skin as being better and we just need to be aware of it as parents in order to protect our kids. I was very scared that I would have one child who was a lot lighter than the other and worried about them being treated differently. Now I don't worry as much and just use positive language when speaking of their hair or skin. Our kids need us to bring them up with lots of pride in who they are as AA people.

[mom2samuel]

My ds was born light, and still continues to be fairly light at 18 months old. (we know his bmom, who is fair in color, but we do not know anything about birthfather) I think most people assume he is bi-racial, but I always calmly affirm that he is AA. I really don't think most people mean any harm in their comments, and I just look at my response as an opportunity to enlighten and inform.

Michelle

[loveajax]

I had a "friend" to a party say, "I thought she would be darker." (She seemed disappointed, not sure why). I also had another "friend" obsessed with trying to remove my DD's bonnet (I'm convinced to check out her hair...ack!).

People are weird. So far most of the weird comments I have gotten have been when DD was a baby.

It's kind of hard to know how to respond........(Your DD is gorgeous, btw!!!!!!! One of the most beautiful babies I have seen).

[inhiswill]

Yeah, we get the "she is so dark" comments all the time. And I respond everytime, "Yes, and we love it, she is gorgeous!"

BUT....Get this, a friend of mine who is AA just told me the other day that DD is getting lighter? She swears that this happens? I have never heard of this, ever!

[oceanica]

why does this continue?
I am east indian and in the that culture it is so ingrained that nobody even sees anything wrong with it!! It's completely appalling. People say things like, "Isn't it great how fair she is." dowries are less if you aren't fair. It may be hard to find a spouse if you're skin is dark. Heck, they even sell creams to make you more fair. The fact that nobody is bothered by it is even more disgusting. The questions you guys are getting are obviously a subtle form of the same thing.

[vernellinnj]

Originally Posted by oceanica

why does this continue?
I am east indian and in the that culture it is so ingrained that nobody even sees anything wrong with it!! It's completely appalling. People say things like, "Isn't it great how fair she is." dowries are less if you aren't fair. It may be hard to find a spouse if you're skin is dark. Heck, they even sell creams to make you more fair. The fact that nobody is bothered by it is even more disgusting. The questions you guys are getting are obviously a subtle form of the same thing.

I agree with you tho not east indian Amazing, huh? In 2008..... Sad.

[Eponine]

I have several AA friends who have mentioned that light skin vs. dark skin is "a big deal" in their community and that light skin is preferable. I've had others say it's not "a big deal" at all. Personally, I have a couple friends (AA) who have very dark skin and I think it is SOOOO gorgeous. But, it's a cultural think ingrained in a lot of people - sad sometimes, yes.

DS is AA/CC biracial and a friend of the family has a bio AA/CC daughter who is 3 months younger so we tend to compare their skin tones, features etc. In DS's case it is his bfather who is AA and for the baby girl, her mom is AA and is no longer with the baby's dad. We were talking about our kids' skin colors and I said, "Well, DS's bio-dad is fairly light..." and she says "Yeah, so is hers!" It was a funny moment that just kind of summed up how absurd we can get some times about skin colors....