[Marie8888]

I need some advice and sympathy. Sorry its a long post.
The backstory: We adopted our son over 2 years ago and have had him since 5 days, he is African American and we are Caucasian. I am currently pregnant (which we were told was not possible) and due in October with a little girl.
I am not sure what to do, our inlaws were up visiting (they live 10 hours away), our nephew was also visting, it was the first time they have been around our son and their nephew without nephew's parents around. Our nephew is almost 6.
They treated the boys very differently, our nephew was allowed to scream, take toys, and do whatevery he wanted (something nephew's parents would never allow). We did not allow our son to behave this way even though he is two he was punished when he would hit or scream or misbehave. DH's father univited us to Christmas when we took away a toy that both of the kids were fighting over. DH's other brother and SIL were also visiting at the time and they are shocked and upset by our MIL and FIL behavior. They truly have no explanation for why their parents acted this way, no one can figure it out. When they left, DH's mom was upset because she wasn't going to be here for our baby's birth (FIL said he wasn't going to come visit us again) and was now afraid she would never see her grandkids since they unvited us to Christmas. Though to us it felt like she was more concerned about seeing the new baby and could care less about seeing our son again. It felt like they were angry with our son for me having to keep up with a two year old while pregnant. Which I don't understand tons of women have toddlers when pregnant. Apparently on the way home they complained to DH's brother and SIL about how we displine our child. Apparently they think that while their 6 year old grandson shouldn't be punished for his behavior their 2 year old grandson is being spoiled by only being given time out when he misbehaves. Again DH's brother and SIL didn't agree and are angry with DH's parents.
DH's brothers are raily around us. DH's brothers got together and talked about what happened and the father of the nephew is angry about how his parents behaved and the double standard and lack of displine that occured with his child. He told us he thought we were justified to do a lot more than saying no and removing toys. They refuse to exclude us and our chidlren from Christmas and are having it at one of his brothers house with the understanding that his parents are only invited if they apologize and treat us and our kids well. I just don't know if we want his parents around our kids at all. Maybe it isn't adoption or race related but it sure feels that way to me. They don't have any other biological grandkids, and I haven't seen them around there new step-grandchild so its hard to judge if its just a favoring the one grandchild thing or if its diffected at our son.
I just don't want to do abuut the situation, DH's mom called and pretended nothing happened last night. DH got off the phone with her fast and now we are just so confused and hurt.

Marie

[sbaglio]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you have everyone's support in this, which is good. How did they treat your son before this visit? I think that though it is more comfortable not to address with your in-laws what happened, you should. They treated you and your son shabbily. If they are to be in your life in the future, I would suggest dealing with this soon, and directly.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I agree. You CANNOT just act like nothing happened. It will cause resentment and awkwardness at every future visit (should there be any). It sounds like your DH siblings are wonderful and I think I would let them and DH handle this one.

I, personally, am a hothead and probably would have told them off on the spot (not that I am recommending that). I would definitely curb ALL contact with them until they apologize AND detail how they will be different in the future.

Kim

[loveajax]

I am so sorry you are dealing witht his as well.

I want to add something though and that is that my DD (who is 3) can drive my parents crazy....toddlers can do that. I know my parents think DD is spoiled (heck, they themselves spoil her rotten!).

I think I would have a heart to heart about how you feel. It may be an adoption/race issue, and, if so, and things "don't improve," I would not have a problem cutting them out of your lives! But these are your kids' grandparents and I think you need to really express how you feel and "gauge" what you think is driving them to be so jerky!


I am glad other people in DH's family are supporting you...that's great.

Also, congrats on your pg!!