[JenC]

(This is long!)

This is so stunning and hurtful it's hard to even write. First, the basic background - I love my in laws, they raised great Christian kids, they love their grandkids, we get along wonderfully (most time). They live about 45 min away, where FIL is pastor of a small church in a town more racially diverse than ours. While we love them lots, we also acknowledge that they spend more time with their other grandchildren than they do with Josh. (For the record, one is Hispanic, one Caucasian, that does come into play later.) We chalk that up to the other grandkids being older, and they're really not baby people. They are great about going to games and school stuff, just not comfortable playing with a baby for more than a few minutes. I get it, and I have no problem with that. Josh has a place of honor on their wall along with the other grandkids and they've always loved him and been proud of him, showing off pictures and the like.

We've worked very hard to get MIL to quit referring to people in casual conversation by their race, as in "the black lady behind me in line" type of stuff. We've had limited success. My DH is a quiet sort of person, having a hard time speaking out when needed sometimes.

All that being said - there was a situation last Sunday. DH just today told me about it because he knew how ticked I would be. He went to visit them while Josh and I stayed home and napped. Not that we didn't want to go visit, but Josh really needed a good nap in his own bed, and DH wanted to get out on his bike.

MIL was telling some sort of story about them selling one of their cars to a junkyard, and said that the man who stopped by the house was black. FIL then said, "No, he was Mexican". ( Don't even get me started on that.) MIL then said (and I quote!) "It doesn't matter, that's just as bad."

I don't even know if I can put into words what happened in my heart when DH finally fessed up and told me about it today. He did get up and leave right afterwards, but has been trying to think of what to say. I am completely and totally hurt. Instead of being productive during naptime today, I just sat and cried.

They love Josh, he just gets a "white pass" in their eyes I guess. We are very much learning as we go with transracial parenting. I want to handle this with love, but I am so stunned. If we would have been there, I would have scooped up my black baby who will one day be a black man and walked right out. We need to say something, but right now I can't think of loving, nice ways to say it. We have family pics scheduled in a few weeks. I want to skip them.

[reetoreet]

I am so sorry about the intolerance you are dealing with. I know we prepare ourselves to deal with it from the public, but when it is your own family it cuts much deeper! My in-laws rarely spend time with our baby Lily. My SIL's child (who is CC and her birth child) get much more love and acceptance than our darling baby. She is 3 and a half months old, we live 40 minutes from his parents, and his mother has only seen her twice since she came home when she was 5 days old. It also hurts me when we are all together and the rest of the family dote on my nephew and barely want to hold my daughter. They also make comments like "were her parents like the rest of THEM".....what!?

I am sorry thier comments hurt your so badly. I just try to think to myself that the racial stereotypes were much worse when our parents were growing up and chock it up to ignorance. Your baby is beautiful!

[Linny]

No, you don't want to skip the photos. This won't help anything at all...and I think you know this. Coming from the transracial family where two kids (now grown from infancy) are Asian, and the other three are Black American.....this is my view:

When you can bring this up with the in-laws.....DO. Bring it up. Talk to them saying something like, "You know when you made that comment about the junk man being Mexican and the arguement that a 'Black man would be just as bad'? (Lead into this.....because I suspect when you play it back to them, they'll see where you're going with it...)

Then state......'Think about it. Think about that you're saying either ethnicity of people is 'bad'....just because? (And they'll think, hopefully they will.... )

And then say again something to the effect, "And sooooo,....think about our little Joshie. That 'black man' you're making remarks about is our little boy in several years. Had you thought about that? (And I suspect, they'll start to see...)

Is/Was this hurtful? I'm sure it was. I've heard a lot of comments from friends/family who weren't thinking at all.......and while that's not right....that's just the point. Our society gets SO used to thinking in 'white terms'...we forget we're NOT the ONLY ONES here....that those stereotypes sooo many have grown up with AREN'T alright. But it takes people like you and I to point that out. They'll never see it, hear it or face it like we know it without us pointing it out to them.

If you'd written that your in-laws were horrible people who were racist pigs......I'd think/say something different. But, knowing, as you say, that they love Joshie and all......you'll just have to educate them.
And, I think they'll listen and learn. Really I do.

Sincerely,

Linny

[rraiford]

I have run into similiar issues. My husband is CC and I am AA. When it comes to family members who I know are basically loving I try to focus on education. My son is biracial and if I hear one of my in laws make a racist comment I say, "Gee, I would hate for my son to hear his first "Archie Bunker" comment from his grandpa?" That helps people to think. A while back, one of my aunts recommended I pinch my son's nose so that it was look more European. Her comment was so ridiculous and tragic. After laughing I said, "Why would I want to make him look more European, my son is perfect just the way he is?" I know it is unlikely I can change people's ingrained ways of thinking, but my job is to protect my son and let people know it is not okay to spew their issues into his life.

[TxMom65]

I know it is hard not to take it personally. You hear that and you think of your son. I don't think they think of him at all as anything other than their grandson.

I hope that you can educate them. You may not change their beliefs, but hopefully they won't say them aloud.

[JenC]

Well, I ended up writing a letter last night. Not the best way to handle it, but it works for a couple of non-confrontational people! Especially since I wasn't there and I'm usually the one with the words.


First of all, we would like to say that we know you love your kids and grandkids very much. We feel like we are blessed to have great parents. That being said, there are some issues we need to clear up. A very hurtful comment was made last Sunday about Black being just as bad as Mexican. You are members of a transracial family, with one grandson being Hispanic and one being Ethiopian. Neither are bad. Skin color, culture, and heritage do not make bad people. What was said hit home hard and hurt very deeply. We are fully aware that Josh is seen as "not really" black because of his white parents, but the truth is, he's black. We don't deny it, we don't hide it. We embrace his Ethiopian culture and heritage. Black, Hispanic, Asian, Native, or Caucasian...there are "good" people and "bad" people everywhere.

What if Josh heard that comment? Whether he heard it or not, it was inappropriate and we truly hope you will rethink your feelings about people of other races and cultures,because they are your family. Even if they weren't family, it's still not needed. It is top priority for us that Josh and future children of ours not hear any negative references to people of any race, period. We will not have him exposed to that and we will not ever hesitate to leave family functions if it happens. It's hard enough growing up in a family that's a different color the way it is.

We truly hope this does not fracture what has always been a good relationship in our family, but the needs of our children must come first.

With love,
Chuck and Jenny

[mommamarci]

Jen- So sorry this happened, but the letter sounds great! Very respectful.

[Wisdom]

I think your letter is a great idea if you don't feel you can talk to them face to face about the matter and since your dh won't address it. If they are reasonable people, I think a face to face loving conversation would be best.

Since you mentioned in your original post that they raised great "Christian" children, I'm assuming your MIL is Christian. If that's the case, I'd include a line or two reminding them that God is impartial to no one as we should be. I never understood how anyone can be called a great Christian if they're prejudiced. The foundation of Christianity is Christ himself, who was not prejudiced. I think they could use a lesson on that.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I think the letter sounds wonderful and to be honest....I think it is the best approach.

It doesn't put them on the spot. It doesn't make them feel like they have to apologize (if they really aren't sorry --my MIL has a habit of saying "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." Which to me really isn't an apology. She isn't sorry for what she did nor does she think it was wrong. She is just sorry I was so sensitive about it and says sorry very quickly to just end the whole thing. I would want a TRUE apology later that has some thought and sincerity in it). The letter doesn't give them the chance to be immediately on the defensive to your face which could make matter worse. They may say something that then causes you to say some things you may regret. It gives them something tangible as a reminder and they will probably read it many times before commenting on it. It gives everyone a chance to think, form opinions, and be calm before discussing it verbally which is best. They may be a little ticked when they first read it but they will have the chance to let your words sink in (and if they're Christians they will pray about it) before talking to you or seeing you on picture day.

I think is was wonderfully written.

Kim

[megaphonemo]

I agree, great note. You might want to follow up with a phone call a few days later - just so that you can all move on (note that i said move on - not past it like it did not happen, but move on with your lives, kwim??)

Good luck...

If it helps, I was very afraid of my very "Archie Bunker" father's reaction when we were adopting our biracial girls. But he loves them so much and has gotten much better about his word selection - even when we are not around (according to my 'spies'). Maybe they will wise up. Hope so...

Mega

[BethanyB]

Your FIL is a pastor??? And they say stuff like that???

Oh boy, I feel for you and think your letter was great. It was right to the point and there is no getting around how you feel and the fact that this cannot happen around you or your family.

I think many times children who are adopted into transracial families get that pass from friends and family. It's like your black kids are "different" because they are being raised in a white home. But that is just not acceptable.

I had a good friend make a horrible remark about AA's and I really have not spoken to her since. It just broke my heart to hear her say something horrible about black people and not even catch that it may have hurt me. Uh, my kids are BLACK?!

I would wait for them to call YOU though. Let us know what happens.

[wlbooklady]

I agree your letter sounds very respectful; it will be interesting to see how they take it. I wondered a bit about my mom, because of her generation, when I adopted my two biracial boys, but she is a great grandmom to them and has never given me pause. I've talked about racial issues with her, and she's even shared things with me that I never knew (like how when she was a teenager she commented that a biracial coworker was handsome and a CC coworker said, "Oh, but he's colored!" This was in the 40's.)
But the first time I met my SIL, who is married to an AA man and has a biracial daughter, she said to me that "[her husband] doesn't even act Black." I was pretty appalled but didn't say anything as I'd just met her and at that time was only "the girlfriend." She has AA friends and coworkers, too! She grew up and lives in So. PA, which is pretty conservative. It was like she needed to defend herself to me so that I wouldn't judge her for marrying a black man. She was rejected by some in her family initially, but they came around. It's hard for people to get past their upbringing, I think. Which should make us, as parents, really take our responsibility seriously.

Good luck with your in-laws!