[Ladyofmoonlight]

I posted a couple days ago under General Adoption Parenting, about some new HS problems that have cropped up. I now realize that this topic may be better addressed over here...

Our first HS went pretty sour by the end. Everyone we saw at that agency was CC, we're CC, and our social worker kept pushing Russia and questioning us on choosing Ethiopia. We had chosen Ethiopia partly because they had sibling pairs available and we planned on adopting 2 at once so we could just focus on them for the next few years without starting another adoption up quickly. In the end when she approved us for only 1 child she happily announced "Now you don't have to adopt from Ethiopia anymore!" I'm still so disgusted by this statement. We felt this agency had race issues, among other thigns, and decided to move on.

So now we're working with a different agency for postplacement and were planning on using them for our HS. We'd cleared our desire to start this HS up this summer with our first social worker, who's since left the agency. Our goal was to be paper ready by fall and have a second child home by the end of next year, 2 years after our son came home. I just got in contact with our new social worker and she's informed us that we cannot start our new homestudy until our son has been home a year, giving him time to attach properly before we focus any energy on a second child. When I asked her about why our earlier social worker ok'd the HS previously, she said she was sorry for her error, but that children needed their parents' full attention for at least a year to attach, ESPECIALLY if they were adopted transracially or transculturally.

Sooo... because we're CC/American and he's AA/Ethiopian it will take longer for him to attach to us? I'm... not understanding this.

If this were about his age, about how older kids might need more time to attach, I might understand then but I'd still complain. But it's not, it's about race and I'm greatly disturbed by this.

We've already decided to switch agencies, again, for a new HS if only because I'm worried about using an agency that seems biased against transracial adoptions for a second transracial adoption. I just wanted to get opinions here.

What do you all think? Do transracial families need longer to adjust? Do children adopted transracially and transculturally need more time with their parents than children of the same race or culture? Am I just looking for racism where it might not be (I'm admittedly far more sensitive to it now that my son's home), or am I right in screaming foul here?

[Yash]

No, trans-racial families don't need longer to adjust but I've run into agencies that feel you can't start another adoption until your previous child has been in the home a year and that's by birth or adoption. I think these agencies feel a year is needed for families to truly bond and to fall into a routine that works for everyone.

When I first started researching agencies to adopt internationally, I ran into tons of agencies that wouldn't help me because my son's adoption wasn't finalized (I adopted my son through fost-adopt) I think most of these agencies had no idea what fost-adopt was.

Some agencies told me that I couldn't adopt until my son had been home a year.

Some said I couldn't adopt or even turn in paperwork until his adoption had been finalized a year. One agency did say I could send in an application when he found out my son had been home since he was five-days-old. I think my son was around 14 months when I began calling agencies.

You and your husband know what's best for your family so I would say as crappy as this is, keep searching around until you find an agency that doesn't have such rules.

I ultimately found an agency that knew exactly what fost-adopt was and told me to send in my application ASAP. And I went with them.

[Yash]

Also, when I was working on my first int'l adoption, the SW doing my homestudy did make it a point to mention that there were children available in the US for adoption and asked why I wanted to adopt from another country. I like you did not use this agency the second time around.

[kayder1996]

I think that is not that unusual of a situation, for agencies to have a recommended waiting period. Our agency did but we asked if there was a way we could work with them on it because the country we are adopting from is taking so long to process adoptions that if we waited until our first adopted child was home a year until starting it would make like 3-4 years between adoptions. They approved us for an exception and allowed us to have a new home study. While I don't disagree or agree with the policy because I can see the pros and cons of it, I can see the agency's viewpoint. You really don't have any idea of what your life is going to be like with your new adopted child and they are wanting to make sure you, your family, and your child have gotten a chance to be a family before your family changes again. So sometimes that rule might be beneficial and help well intentioned families take some extra time to become a family before adding a new family member. I know that I personally can easily make a heart based decision without really understanding the true reality of how it will impact my life. (Not that you haven't necessarily thought things through because goodness knows, most adoptive families have thought and rethought and then thought some more.)
Kayla

[Linny]

I hate to admit it, but for the most part, I think it is a good thing that families are together for a year before bringing in another baby. (I don't like it either; but we've adopted many...and it would seem a good idea---overall. And I mean, overall. There are always exceptions.)

But.......I MIGHT understand your agency if your son had been much older. I will not agree that transracial families need more time to bond---totally ridiculous assumption. However, older children.....aren't like parenting babies---at all-----so the amount of time (as in one year) is necessary.

I suspect it may very well be racism. We went through a bit of this very early on in our adoption experiences...and it was quite evident in our 'system adoptions'.....though there was basically nothing we could do about it--then.

I'd continue to look for another agency. There are a lot of bad agencies....just like anything else; and there are a lot of good agencies...you just might need to look harder for them.
My best to you; and I hope you're able to find resolution and adopt at least one more baby----soon.

Sincerely,

Linny

[sbaglio]

This smells of racism to me, and I'm not one to make that claim easily. Also, why is one year a magic number? It's rather arbitrary to me. There are people who have biological children a few months after adopting, and perhaps they can tell us if there are problems bonding in such a situation. I feel that is it YOUR decision how and when you add to your family, not someone else's to make for you. Nor is it their decision on where you should adopt from. I found that aspect of your SW and agency's behaviour reprehensible. I say look for an agency that fits your needs - there are no shortage of agencies out there.

[loveajax]

I agree with Fadzi. I am sorry you are going thru this....I think I would look for another agency. Let's face it - - with the timelines for everything, it's not as if your second child will be home before that year mark anyway. And the mentioning of the "extra" time to attach in a transracial adoption has me scratching my head. Good luck!!!!