[FullQuiverMamma]

Originally Posted by ljsdo2007

We have no idea what it is like to be black

And many AA kids will have no idea what it is like to have a family if whites don't adopt them. Being a black child in a white family and the (supposed) difficulties that accompany, pale in comparison to living a life orphaned in the social services systems in our country.

So many adoptive parents are looking for the perfect family in their own definition. For tons of AA kids, any family would be just great.

I don't think it is arrogance whatsoever, I think it is a willingness to provide permanency among a sadly undesired population.

[sbaglio]

Are there any black adoptees of white parents reading who can give us some insight into their experiences growing up?

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by FullQuiverMamma

If we aren't ethnocentric, neither shall be our children??

You may not be, but the world that these kids will live in certainly is. Making them "color blind" is not necessarily doing them a favor, in my opinion.

This country is not a melting pot. It is still a racially divided place...better than it was, but in no way should we just ignore race and pretend it doesn't exist.

It does, and AA children need to have a healthy sense of what that means to them.

[FullQuiverMamma]

I would never want to be a part of teaching an AA child that they have some deep need / "healthy" need to define what it means to be black any more than I would want to impose a fanatic racial pride on a white, asian, idian, arabic or hispanic child. As far is the elusively defined "world" out there, let them be educated by human beings that need only the stature of being a homo sapien and not a race.

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by FullQuiverMamma

I would never want to be a part of teaching an AA child that they have some deep need / "healthy" need to define what it means to be black any more than I would want to impose a fanatic racial pride on a white, asian, idian, arabic or hispanic child. As far is the elusively defined "world" out there, let them be educated by human beings that need only the stature of being a homo sapien and not a race.

The advice I was given and that I shared here comes straight from African American friends and colleagues and also from transracial adoptees.

The one thing I keep hearing over and over is not to deny that racism exists when you are raising children in a multiracial home. You don't have to make a big deal out of it, but if it was me, I would rather my children hear it from me and have the opportunity to work through it in a safe place with guidance than grow up thinking the world is this wonderful melting pot then get slapped in the face with reality when they leave home.

I realize plenty of people are going to disagree, and that's fine. But as aclee said, it's just a discussion.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by ljsdo2007

The advice I was given and that I shared here comes straight from African American friends and colleagues and also from transracial adoptees.

The one thing I keep hearing over and over is not to deny that racism exists when you are raising children in a multiracial home. You don't have to make a big deal out of it, but if it was me, I would rather my children hear it from me and have the opportunity to work through it than grow up thinking the world is this wonderful melting pot then get slapped in the face with reality when they leave home.

I would also rather they have strong AA role models, teachers and friends in addition to CC family members and other ethnicities. I personally think it is important when you are faced with a world that unfortunately IS going to treat them differently because they are AA, that they have lots of strong, positive people in their life who are also AA.

It's easy for CC people to deny racism and ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. But it will exist for your children. Whether you choose to prepare them for that is your business, but what I am hearing from many AA people is that you should prepare them for a world that is going to be quite different from the wonderful home they grew up in.

I realize plenty of people are going to disagree, and that's fine. But as aclee said, it's just a discussion, and it's okay to disagree and hear other viewpoints.

If you have AA friends, wouldn't you have role models? Even if you don't see them all the time, they could still be role models couldn't they? Clearly you speak with them enough that you've discussed this with them at length...why can't they be role models to an AA infant? We don't even specifically have AA friends that are going to be close role models for Ty actually...sounds like you would be one up on us already!

[bajj]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

So can I and I am glad for it. If people are choosing bi-racial based on the belief that they will get a lighter skinned baby or that it will be somehow easier to bond with a child who is at least half their race, then they should not be adopting transracially at all. If they do not know if they can embrace the whole child than that child should not be placed with them. I know of a case where the adopting parents of a bi-racial baby brought him back at 2 months old because they "didn't think a bi-racial baby could get so dark." That poor baby should have never been placed with them in the first place.

Brenda, I have find this heart-wrenching.

[FullQuiverMamma]

We have several close friends who are also adoptive parents and adult adoptees. They are dentists, doctors, housekeepers, social workers, teachers, scientists and engineers. Some are hispanic with black children, white with asian, black with hispanic and soforth. They overwhelmingly agree that the small circles of professionals who don't support interracial/intercultural adoptions are sorely mistaken. To put it plainly, it is all hogwash to them. Anyhow, it is a melting pot for our family and we have more colors of role models than shoes. What stands out to the folks we've spoken to is that these kids need parents - period. I don't plan to teach my kids to be scared of the bigotry and racism in the world. They will undoubtedly have obstacles, but then - who won't/ doesn't? None of us would be here in America without the melting pot scenario. This is the culture all colors of children will learn with very minimal education in my opinion. We are Americans and the people who try to make separation under the guise of black or any other racial pride tear at our very heritage in my opinion. To me, to protect racial heritage to the point of not mixing races is to go backwards and create a problem that was overemphasized in the first place.

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by FullQuiverMamma

We are Americans and the people who try to make separation under the guise of black or any other racial pride tear at our very heritage in my opinion. To me, to protect racial heritage to the point of not mixing races is to go backwards and create a problem that was overemphasized in the first place.

I agree with you in principle, I really do. It is the practice that has me hung up here.

We will face issues with our adopted children re:being adopted--I think most people do, to varying degrees. I guess we don't want to add to that the fact that we have NO IDEA how to teach them how to "be black" (and yes I have heard people say that), and not only that, we will be in a part of the world where they will see few if any AA people on a daily basis.

I know they need homes, believe me, I know that. It's heartbreaking to me...but I want to make sure mine is the best home for them...and I'm not sold on that yet.

So, for now, until I am, we are one less home for those kids. It makes me sad to think that, but I'm just not 100% a believer that I can be the best parent for an AA child. Yet. Maybe it will come. We'll keep trying to educate ourselves in the meantime.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by ljsdo2007

I agree with you in principle, I really do. It is the practice that has me hung up here.

We will face issues with our adopted children re:being adopted--I think most people do, to varying degrees. I guess we don't want to add to that the fact that we have NO IDEA how to teach them how to "be black" (and yes I have heard people say that), and not only that, we will be in a part of the world where they will see few if any AA people on a daily basis.

I know they need homes, believe me, I know that. It's heartbreaking to me...but I want to make sure mine is the best home for them...and I'm not sold on that yet.

So, for now, until I am, we are one less home for those kids. It makes me sad to think that, but I'm just not 100% a believer that I can be the best parent for an AA child. Yet. Maybe it will come. We'll keep trying to educate ourselves in the meantime.

Personally, I say kudos to you for knowing your limits. Not everyone can adopt transracially and that's ok. We're all just trying to build our families.

I'm not saying this would be you, but people go back and read what Brenda wrote! Someone adopted biracial and sent him back because his is darker than they thought! This, to me, is more tragic than someone who has done a lot of research and soul searching and has come to the conclusion that transracial adoption is not for them.

[shannobananno]

Hello, I am new to the forum. After failed infertility treatment, DH and I are contemplating foster-adopt. We will be attending an information session. I have been thinking about this issue of race. I think the majority of children most in need of foster services within the system where I live are AA. So, I must ask myself if I would be prepared to parent an AA child/children. I have been doing tons of research and, unfortunatley, race does matter.

Recent studies suggest an inclination for black children of white families to have identity and adjustment problems. And, yes, these problems have been found to be most pronounced for AA children, compared to biracial, Hispanic, Asian, etc. Of course, very effective parenting and luck in the personality department can help to combat this but not always.

I was reading posts on this other forum from adult adoptees of color who grew up in white households who are secretly very depressed and isolated. So, I've been thinking a lot about whether I am up to the challenge. I live in a decently diverse community. Most of my friends are white from where I used to live. I recently moved to suburban DC and I don't really have many friends at all where I live. If I were honest, I'd have to admit that I wouldn't want to change my lifestyle in order to be part of the black community. For example, I attend the mostly white, Unitarian Universalist church which is not Christian so I wouldn't want to have to become something I'm not in order to be around black people. I like and appreciate all kinds of music but mostly listen to rock. These are the things that matter to teenagers. I could read them all the books in the world which celebrate diversity but then humilate the heck out of them by playing a folk record in front of their AA friends:-) Maybe I'm too white:-)

Lastly, where I live, I would not be worried about prejudice from white people (liberals), but from the AA community. I know this is common. Any PRODUCTIVE input is appreciated; gratuitous criticism is not. Thanks!

[aclee]

Originally Posted by shannobananno

Recent studies suggest an inclination for black children of white families to have identity and adjustment problems.

Where did you find these? I did a LOT of research as well, and I could only find much older studies and opinions that outlined the negative aspects of an AA child with CC parents. Did it explain why specifically AA have these problems but not other minorities? If you could point me in the right direction, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks

[Linny]

I seriously believe.....that if AA children growing up in CC homes are having (or have had) significant problems with identity, there are also other factors that entered into the equation as well.

It's easy to look at any study to find something......but if we're talking about--say, the more recent Donaldson report (see the one suggesting changes to couples wanting to adopt AA FOSTER children)......one would HAVE to consider the other issues involved with foster children. There are a lot of other factors when you consider a child who's grown up part of their life within a certain place and environment, verses an infant who's been raised in a certain environment all of their life.
I won't say that parenting an AA child doesn't have other considerations that ANY couple should learn and explore before adopting any child of color; however, each child/case is unique.

I have an acquaintance who just did a research paper involving adoptees within a transracial family. Also interviewed were birthmothers and adoptive couples.
The end result was that these children (some now adults) were happy having grown up in a transracial family.

I know there are cases where this might not be true. Heaven knows, I can find all sorts of cases for any kind of adoption---or birth child growing up in their biological home----that weren't happy growing up and after.

But, I think whenever we seek out information from any study, it's VERY important we see it on the grand scale of things and consider ALL factors leading up to the results.

Jumping off the soapbox here....

Sincerely,

Linny

[shannobananno]

Aclee, I was going to try and re-trace my google steps to tell you where to find these reports but the laptop I was using just died. I don't know what's wrong with it. Sorry.

Linny, of course environment, parental attitudes, etc. plays a major role in all of this. I'm saying I just don't know if I'm up to the added challenge but I'm cetain others do a great job of it.

At the same time, I just want to be a mom/caregiver and I know I could be a good one. It is so frustrating that it is so difficult to accomplish this!!!!!!

[aclee]

Originally Posted by Linny

I seriously believe.....that if AA children growing up in CC homes are having (or have had) significant problems with identity, there are also other factors that entered into the equation as well.

It's easy to look at any study to find something......but if we're talking about--say, the more recent Donaldson report (see the one suggesting changes to couples wanting to adopt AA FOSTER children)......one would HAVE to consider the other issues involved with foster children. There are a lot of other factors when you consider a child who's grown up part of their life within a certain place and environment, verses an infant who's been raised in a certain environment all of their life.
I won't say that parenting an AA child doesn't have other considerations that ANY couple should learn and explore before adopting any child of color; however, each child/case is unique.

I have an acquaintance who just did a research paper involving adoptees within a transracial family. Also interviewed were birthmothers and adoptive couples.
The end result was that these children (some now adults) were happy having grown up in a transracial family.

I know there are cases where this might not be true. Heaven knows, I can find all sorts of cases for any kind of adoption---or birth child growing up in their biological home----that weren't happy growing up and after.

But, I think whenever we seek out information from any study, it's VERY important we see it on the grand scale of things and consider ALL factors leading up to the results.

Jumping off the soapbox here....

Sincerely,

Linny

This is exactly why I wanted to read it Linny. I wanted to see if it was with a particular group of AA children who were adopted and what exactly the control was...ie is the % of children that are AA and adopted by CC families actually higher than AA adopted by AA etc. I think given the difficult history of AA in the US, that there could be a lot of contributing factors to the study. Was predisposition to Mental Illness taken into consideration etc. In some cases, that's not even information you would have in adoption...where as if it was a study about something regarding biological children, that kind of information could disqualify from even being in a study about mental illness, or depression.

I hope that it can be found, I do find all types of these "studies" interesting to read. Let me know when your laptop is working again Mine just died cause it needed a new power cord so I feel your pain!