[atouchofheaven]

LOVE the articles and just have to say, adopting a biracial child but not AA does not make ANY sense to me at all. i bet if you ask a child if it makes sense, they would say no. this topic doesn't need to be so deep. no matter how much you try to justify it on an emotional level, everyone else (including your child) sees it for what it is. completely illogical and contradictory. in my opinion.

[sbaglio]

It sounds like some are defending the "one drop rule". Is this correct?

[HeidiK]

Originally Posted by ljsdo2007

As a side note, we've decided not to pursue this particular potential match. I'm sure some of you who think we were wrong to specify biracial and not AA will see it as a victory, but we are very sad.

It did not come down to the fact that we couldn't handle it or were somehow ashamed or trying to "dilute" this child's blackness by hoping he'd come out looking more like us. I've tried to explain that and it has fallen on deaf ears in this forum.

What it did come down to was this: because we plan on living in rural Texas (a long standing dream of ours, for me to be a country doc and DH to run a B&B), we could not say for certain that we could provide this child with the daily interaction and support and love from the African American community that WE felt he deserved as a child of mixed race. This part of the world, at least in its small towns, is still painfully segregated. All the love in our hearts could not protect our child from this, and it's something that is really hard to swallow.
As wonderful a life as we could give this child, we already care about him too much to accept him, knowing that we may not be able to give him 100% of what he needs and deserves.

We can only hope that the adoptive parents lucky enough to welcome this baby into their hearts have given it as much honest soul-searching as we have done.

I am so sorry that this match isn't going to be the child of your hearts desire. I do THINK You have given this alot of thought and careful consideration - and I for one applaud you for that. YOUR child will benefit from your willingness to address these and a million other issues that face today's parents.

However - I do respectfully disagree with your belief that a biracial child would or will feel any type of cultural connection to full CC parents. I think the vast majority of biracial kids connent with the "other" race and althought they LOVE and respect their parents - most kids think their own parents are from outerspace....

[Vogi2002]

What exactly IS white culture and heritage?? Are we talking german, italian?? So do you specifiy what heritage you are mixed with black (only german/black)? If not then it has nothing to do with culture because they ARE going to have a different culture than you. I am white and I am think this is almost ridiculous. My family has a culture / heritage as does every person's family regardless of race, but if we are talking culture / heritage as compild as a race?? Well compared to the rich and diverse AA heritage the white (in general) is lacking and i'm baffled at what this would be.

I think a lot of times this is a cover to be very very frank. If a full AA child makes you uncomfortable I would ask why. Are you emphasising the "white part" because the black makes you uncomfortable? What about the black heritage? You won't share that with them, will you teach them and show them that?? I'm not sure someone can truley embrace a race as long as they are "part white". What if they are part mongolian or asian? Is that okay too...just as long as that race's skin is white??

Would those of you that accept a biracial child...would you accept a full hispanic child? Full asian child? If so, well....not choosing full AA has nothing to do with sharing of culture and is truley just a cover. I am just baffled by this...society is just generating this "skin tone" hierarchy and it is so sad for me to see this.

[iloveadoption]

Wow I can see this topic his a sensitive one. We are in the beging stages of adoption. I was shocked to see that all the adoption agencies were asking a different fee for the bi racial babies and full AA babies. After they explained the the reasons why is beacuse that the AA babies are much harder to place and there a great need for families willing to adopt these children. It made my heart hurt. Why is it only if the child has some AA in them that there rate is cheaper??? Not asain or hispanic and if you are CC and adopt a hispanic or Asain child it is not going to look like you either or share the same herritage as you so why is it more attractive to adopt a child that is has no AA in them?? I still cannot put my mind around that even after reading all these post. I still cannot see any reason for that. I look at it this way if you really want to be a parent then that comes with no strings attached. I guess it just makes me so sad that there is a need for parents for these precious babies and some Aparents are waiting years and passing up these babies in need, for a child that LOOKS lighter. We are a CC family and I think if God is going to bless me with the baby that is right for my family then I will trust just that. And weather the baby is white, black or carmel it makes no difference to me a child is a child not a color I wish more people could see it them same way. The world we be a better place.

[aclee]

for the most part. I have strong feelings on them, since I do have an AA son. I think one thing I do have to say is something that REALLY really bothers me (really). Many people use the idea that they live in a non-diverse area as a reason for not adopting an AA baby. Here's the thing...Diversity doesn't just happen. PEOPLE make it happen. Someone has to get the ball going. Be the strong one, step to the plate. Make your child a leader, not just a person in the crowd. It can be done, and the fact that no one else in your area is AA or adopting minorities doesn't mean it isn't the right thing. Maybe they are all just waiting for someone else to do it first too. Our neighbors across the street have to beautiful CC boys that are adopted they said that when they adopted if there had been another AA baby that they knew so closely (like on the street...lol) they would have been open to an AA child/infant. If that is really all that is holding you back, be the change you say you want to see in the world.

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

What exactly IS white culture and heritage?? Are we talking german, italian?? So do you specifiy what heritage you are mixed with black (only german/black)? If not then it has nothing to do with culture because they ARE going to have a different culture than you. I am white and I am think this is almost ridiculous. My family has a culture / heritage as does every person's family regardless of race, but if we are talking culture / heritage as compild as a race?? Well compared to the rich and diverse AA heritage the white (in general) is lacking and i'm baffled at what this would be.

I think a lot of times this is a cover to be very very frank. If a full AA child makes you uncomfortable I would ask why. Are you emphasising the "white part" because the black makes you uncomfortable? What about the black heritage? You won't share that with them, will you teach them and show them that?? I'm not sure someone can truley embrace a race as long as they are "part white". What if they are part mongolian or asian? Is that okay too...just as long as that race's skin is white??

Would those of you that accept a biracial child...would you accept a full hispanic child? Full asian child? If so, well....not choosing full AA has nothing to do with sharing of culture and is truley just a cover. I am just baffled by this...society is just generating this "skin tone" hierarchy and it is so sad for me to see this.

Really, no one is listening and I'm not going to continue shouting.

Us choosing not to accept a biracial OR AA child at this point has come down to the fact that we don't feel we can do this child justice as far as giving them them the connection to their AA heritage (race, whatever you want to call it). We are going to be living in a fairly isolated part of a still very sadly segregated state, but one that we love and call home.

It has nothing to do with OUR comfort level. It has nothing to do with us not being able to love or nurture a mixed or AA child. On the contrary, we are heartsick about this. But because we DO care so much, we can't say 100% that we can give this child what they need as far as helping them feel like they have the best of both worlds. We don't have the resources or the tools or the connections. We do have the love, but after reading some essays last night in "In Their Own Voices" by Rita Simon, we are realizing it takes more than that.

To the people who think they are somehow better than us because they were open to all races, I hope you have all done the heart-wrenching self assessment and soul searching about your ability to give that child a sense of identity and a grounding in their AA culture. And I hope you have read Rita Simon's book.

To those with the knee jerk reaction that we are racist, all I can say is that nothing is farther from the truth. It is because we have so much respect for our child needing that connection with their AA heritage that we don't feel we can do this, at least not in the part of the world where we live.

I appreciate the folks who have managed to give us food for thought without throwing stones, few though they have been in this discussion.

I wish you all the best with your families.

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by aclee

for the most part. I have strong feelings on them, since I do have an AA son. I think one thing I do have to say is something that REALLY really bothers me (really). Many people use the idea that they live in a non-diverse area as a reason for not adopting an AA baby. Here's the thing...Diversity doesn't just happen. PEOPLE make it happen. Someone has to get the ball going. Be the strong one, step to the plate. Make your child a leader, not just a person in the crowd. It can be done, and the fact that no one else in your area is AA or adopting minorities doesn't mean it isn't the right thing. Maybe they are all just waiting for someone else to do it first too. Our neighbors across the street have to beautiful CC boys that are adopted they said that when they adopted if there had been another AA baby that they knew so closely (like on the street...lol) they would have been open to an AA child/infant. If that is really all that is holding you back, be the change you say you want to see in the world.

I don't feel it is fair to use my child as a test pilot for what could be a very fiery crash. It's just not fair. If it was me on the firing line, fine. But I cannot send an AA child out into an almost exclusively white and hispanic (mostly hispanic) small town, with two white parents who are already weird because they listen to NPR and don't go to church, to weather the storm of the racism that I know will come his way.

Someone else can be the warrior, but I will not make my child that warrior.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by ljsdo2007

Really, no one is listening and I'm not going to continue shouting.

Us choosing not to accept a biracial OR AA child at this point has come down to the fact that we don't feel we can do this child justice as far as giving them them the connection to their AA heritage (race, whatever you want to call it). We are going to be living in a fairly isolated part of a still very sadly segregated state, but one that we love and call home.

It has nothing to do with OUR comfort level. It has nothing to do with us not being able to love or nurture a mixed or AA child. On the contrary, we are heartsick about this. But because we DO care so much, we can't say 100% that we can give this child what they need as far as helping them feel like they have the best of both worlds. We don't have the resources or the tools or the connections. We do have the love, but after reading some essays last night in "In Their Own Voices" by Rita Simon, we are realizing it takes more than that.

To the people who think they are somehow better than us because they were open to all races, I hope you have all done the heart-wrenching self assessment and soul searching about your ability to give that child a sense of identity and a grounding in their AA culture. And I hope you have read Rita Simon's book.

To those with the knee jerk reaction that we are racist, all I can say is that nothing is farther from the truth. It is because we have so much respect for our child needing that connection with their AA heritage that we don't feel we can do this, at least not in the part of the world where we live.

I appreciate the folks who have managed to give us food for thought without throwing stones, few though they have been in this discussion.

I wish you all the best with your families.

My post was directed toward those who choose a biracial child and not full AA. So no, I didn't call you a racist, nor imply it...I was speaking towards those who are open to biracial and not AA...or those open to every race under the sun BUT AA and certainly you do not have to question the thought that I put into my decision to adopt an AA child.

I assume you were only open to white and hispanic then (no asian, indian, etc) as that is what your area consists of? This is fine by me, I don't think transracial adoption is for everyone, and actually, just like you...if I lived in an area that was so unculturally diverse I might have said no also (though we probably would have just moved..but not everyone has that luxury). We recently moved and I would NOT move to an area that wasn't diverse.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by ljsdo2007

We wanted the cultural connection to us FOR THE CHILD'S SAKE, so they could look at mommy and daddy and see something of themselves in us, for those times when the world made them feel like an outsider.

What it did come down to was this: because we plan on living in rural Texas (a long standing dream of ours, for me to be a country doc and DH to run a B&B), we could not say for certain that we could provide this child with the daily interaction and support and love from the African American community that WE felt he deserved as a child of mixed race.

ETA: Nevermind...I now see you are the same poster that didn't choose to be open to either.

But wait...are you talking about rural Texas?? I'm from Texas and what part do you mean? I find most parts (especially those with a high hispanic rate) are very racially mixed. Unless you mean the whole zip code doesn't have any AA, or are you just talking about that specific neighborhood?

[aclee]

My Favorite Inspirations!

Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure.
Don Wilder
------------------------------------------------------
Difficulty is the excuse history never accepts.
Edward R. Murrow
-----------------------------------------------------
Ninety-nine percent of the failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.
George Washington Carver
------------------------------------------------------
Francois De La Rochefoucauld
Nothing is impossible; there are ways that lead to everything, and if we had sufficient will we should always have sufficient means. It is often merely for an excuse that we say things are impossible.
------------------------------------------------------

Originally Posted by ljsdo2007

I don't feel it is fair to use my child as a test pilot for what could be a very fiery crash. It's just not fair. If it was me on the firing line, fine. But I cannot send an AA child out into an almost exclusively white and hispanic (mostly hispanic) small town, with two white parents who are already weird because they listen to NPR and don't go to church, to weather the storm of the racism that I know will come his way.

Someone else can be the warrior, but I will not make my child that warrior.

So will you be able to tell your child, I adopted you because adopting a CC (or BR or whatever) child was easier because that's what everyone else did? I think there is a bigger life lesson here...

I'm reading "Black Baby, White Hands, a view from the crib." About the first documented transracial adoption in the US. He was born in 1965. It's 2008 and there are still people finding reasons why adopting an AA baby would be to hard?

**I guess now everyone can see why I stay out of these conversations

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by aclee

My Favorite Inspirations!

Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure.
Don Wilder
------------------------------------------------------
Difficulty is the excuse history never accepts.
Edward R. Murrow
-----------------------------------------------------
Ninety-nine percent of the failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.
George Washington Carver
------------------------------------------------------
Francois De La Rochefoucauld
Nothing is impossible; there are ways that lead to everything, and if we had sufficient will we should always have sufficient means. It is often merely for an excuse that we say things are impossible.
------------------------------------------------------



So will you be able to tell your child, I adopted you because adopting a CC (or BR or whatever) child was easier because that's what everyone else did? I think there is a bigger life lesson here...

I'm reading "Black Baby, White Hands, a view from the crib." About the first documented transracial adoption in the US. He was born in 1965. It's 2008 and there are still people finding reasons why adopting an AA baby would be to hard?

**I guess now everyone can see why I stay out of these conversations

That's all warm and fuzzy and everything, but it's not about it being easier for us. It's about giving a child whom I have the CHOICE to adopt but who does not have the choice to adopt me, the best possible situation they can be given.

IT'S NOT ABOUT US

IT'S NOT ABOUT US

IT's NOT ABOUT US!!


IT is about the CHILD!

Seriously. We want the best for the child. We are fine with people looking askance at us, even disliking us for our choices. What we are not fine with is making a child who never chose this life a pawn in our own quest to save the world from racism.

We believe that the best environment in which to raise an AA or mixed AA and something else child is in a community with a strong, positive, vibrant AA community.

Read Rita Simon's book, read the first essay, and come back and tell me you don't agree.

The kids who get plenty of opportunities to make AA friends, have AA teachers, mentors, role models, etc...if they also have two white parents--they do much better than those who are isolated.

[Vogi2002]

Did you say you lived in Rural Texas now (the community that isn't diverse) or you will? Because if you WILL live in a community (as in you will move and have a choice) you can just choose a community that IS diverse right?

I'm obviously confused ;-)

In the end, do what is right for you. We may not understand it, but it's not up to us...it's only up to you and your dh and feeling like you will be able to parent a child of AA heritage to the best of your abilities. Now on the same line though, you won't be open to adopting an asian child either right? Or native american / indian / etc etd?

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

My post was directed toward those who choose a biracial child and not full AA. So no, I didn't call you a racist, nor imply it...I was speaking towards those who are open to biracial and not AA.

Then I guess you were also speaking to us. Read the whole thread. We have decided to consider neither AA or mixed but initially had not checked the AA box.

Fire away, I've already heard it.

All I can say, is you aren't in our shoes.

And even though we don't get much support here on this thread, I've had plenty from folks who aren't willing to jump in the fray but who agree and support us.

This has truly become a ridiculous and circular argument, and I'm tired of being fired upon.

With that, I'm out.