[jodybird511]

Originally Posted by ljsdo2007

I know it's very much the party line in the adoptive community to be against choosing not to adopt full AA babies when you are open to biracial/multiethnic, whatever you want to label it. But as another poster said, we have to make these decisions based on what our personal situations are like.

I would say it's more than the party line--there are many agencies out there who will not allow you to specify that you will "accept a biracial child" if you are unwilling to "accept full AA" unless you are already a multiracial family. There are reasons these types of restrictions are in place, and I don't think it's just arbitrary.

[BethanyB]

You know what I find funny here? The fact that so many people who believe it's okay to ask for a biracial child and feel they have a right to their opinion and are accusing others of judging are in doing so denying our right to our opinion.

I personally don't believe in requesting biracial children and I have that right to my opinion. I think skin color has a lot to do with why people ask for biracial. I'm not saying every case is like that but I think it happens often.

Sure, I think where you live has something to do with it. If you live in an area where there are no AA people but some Hispanic people, I would say go for adopting a Hispanic child. But the problem that many of you are failing to recognize is that people claim to worry about not having AA neighbors and then request biracial children in HOPES of a light skinned child who will "blend in." That is wrong in my opinion. You can say that is judging if you like but as the mom to two AA kids I feel I have the right to that opinion.

Many people want a biracial child in hopes that they will "share" part of who they are. Well unless you specify a specific nationality (German, Irish, Italian) I really don't see how that matters.

Whether people want to believe it or not racism exists everywhere in our society. Outright racism as well as subtle racism. Why would it not exist in the area of adoption? Call some adoption agencies and get their prices on adoption programs. Which type of adoption tends to be the least expensive? Of course the full AA program. Why do you think that is? Lighter skinned people are able to "blend" in better but what people forget is that biracial children can appear very light at birth and then become very dark. At that point what does it matter if the child is full AA or biracial.

A child is a precious thing and for those of you who can't understand why someone like me would feel this way, you can take a look at my beautiful kids. Many of you don't understand how hurtful it is to see kids who look like yours be on the bottom of the barrel. It's a sad thing.

So while I respect everyone else having their opinions, I think I deserve mine without being told I'm judging anyone.

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

Call some adoption agencies and get their prices on adoption programs. Which type of adoption tends to be the least expensive? Of course the full AA program. Why do you think that is? Lighter skinned people are able to "blend" in better but what people forget is that biracial children can appear very light at birth and then become very dark. At that point what does it matter if the child is full AA or biracial.

We chose our agency largely based on the fact that they do NOT charge different fees for different ethnicities, and as a result, we are paying a lot more for our adoption that we could have at another agencies that does make such distinctions. We don't have money to throw around like that, but it was that important to us.

Our agency had no problem with us specifying that we'd be more comfortable, based on our situation, with a mixed race child. In fact, they had an expectant mom they wanted to present us to within days of getting our preliminary application.

I am fully aware that skin color can change. I am a physician and I deliver and care for babies of all colors.

It's kind of funny to me that here we all are, having adopted or planning to adopt children and creating these beautiful rainbow families, all facing the same obstacles in that journey, and it turns into judging and bickering about who is less racist than whom. Please.

I had hoped to find a more collegial atmosphere on these boards, but it seems if you have an opinion that the majority don't share, you are unlikely to find much support or even open-minded discussion here, which I think is a shame.

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

Sure, I think where you live has something to do with it. If you live in an area where there are no AA people but some Hispanic people, I would say go for adopting a Hispanic child. But the problem that many of you are failing to recognize is that people claim to worry about not having AA neighbors and then request biracial children in HOPES of a light skinned child who will "blend in." That is wrong in my opinion. You can say that is judging if you like but as the mom to two AA kids I feel I have the right to that opinion.

I never said anything about hoping my child would "blend in". If I wanted a white baby I would adopt a white baby.

I also believe that just as dark skinned people are from many different countries, it is possible to have a sense of shared heritage, as it is with caucasian people from many countries. My child does not have to have Irish or German ancestry to share my caucasian heritage.

It's kind of taboo to talk about that, isn't it? It's fine to be the white parents reading about MLK to the AA child, but when we want to share something of our heritage with our child, we are labeled racist.

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by jodybird511

I would say it's more than the party line--there are many agencies out there who will not allow you to specify that you will "accept a biracial child" if you are unwilling to "accept full AA" unless you are already a multiracial family. There are reasons these types of restrictions are in place, and I don't think it's just arbitrary.

You don't think it's in the agency's best interest to create such rules? It's not right or just, but there are not many CC families who are up to the challenge of raising a full AA baby, and there are a lot more AA babies who need placement than CC babies. Again, supply does not equal demand for placement of these kids. Which is why they end up in foster care.

If the agencies did not make such rules, they would lose out on a potential source of adoptive parents for their harder-to-place full AA babies.

Again, it's not right. I agree. But it's the reality in this "industry."

[HeidiK]

But if you live in a mostly white community what makes people think that a hispanic child is more likely to be accepted or find a connection in a white commuity more than a black child. Sorry but that type of logic or "rationalization" really bugs me...I just don't get. Seriously - if I lived in a town full of racism or a colorless community - what makes brown a better choice over black

[jodybird511]

Originally Posted by ljsdo2007

You don't think it's in the agency's best interest to create such rules? It's not right or just, but there are not many CC families who are up to the challenge of raising a full AA baby, and there are a lot more AA babies who need placement than CC babies. Again, supply does not equal demand for placement of these kids. Which is why they end up in foster care.

If the agencies did not make such rules, they would lose out on a potential source of adoptive parents for their harder-to-place full AA babies.

Again, it's not right. I agree. But it's the reality in this "industry."

Well, the fact is, if a family isn't "up to the challenge of raising a full AA baby," then they may not be "up to the challenge" of raising a biracial child either. Honestly, in the mind of many (racists), if a person has any AA in them, then they are AA. So folks who think that their child will be more accepted or have an easier time b/c they are biracial vs. full AA are naive.

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

A child is a precious thing and for those of you who can't understand why someone like me would feel this way, you can take a look at my beautiful kids. Many of you don't understand how hurtful it is to see kids who look like yours be on the bottom of the barrel. It's a sad thing.

That is exactly how I feel about my son who is very medically fragile with a very, very complex congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. My son is no less precious and valued to me than if had been born with a whole, healthy heart, yet I have been told by countless people that most would have walked away. I know that not everyone is capable of dealing with month-long stays in the PICU, of multiple open heart surgeries and that is ok! I am thankful to have the JOY of raising a baby with such unique needs. But I do realize and accept that we're not all meant to do the same thing. I only know that DH and I are meant to have this beautiful baby (who happens to have HLHS) in our lives.

[BethanyB]

I'm actually wondering why so many of you are getting defensive? I guess where there is smoke there is fire. No one called anyone specific racist. Everyone is assuming that. I just wonder why?

But I agree that I'm out of this convo. This will just go round and round. It just goes to show how little people know about race.

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by HeidiK

But if you live in a mostly white community what makes people think that a hispanic child is more likely to be accepted or find a connection in a white commuity more than a black child. Sorry but that type of logic or "rationalization" really bugs me...I just don't get. Seriously - if I lived in a town full of racism or a colorless community - what makes brown a better choice over black

Actually, the community we will likely live in will have more hispanic people than either CC or AA. Small towns in our part of the country are hardly "colorless." But small towns are admittedly less open to different family make-ups than big cities.

The potential match we have been presented with could be half AA or half hispanic.

You don't have to get it--but we do, and it's not a "rationalization" for us, it's a decision based on what we would like for our family, one that we have given a lot of thought to. We know there will be issues either way and are not trying to make it easier on us.

Clearly I have touched a nerve. Why is there so much defensiveness on this? Do those with full AA children think that those who choose mixed race children think the AA children weren't "good enough" as one poster suggested? That is what I don't get. That's just ridiculous.

Our not choosing to adopt full AA has NOTHING to do with a value judgement about the skin color or worthiness of that child. It is something we (and a lot of other people) have given a lot of thought to.

I will not be made to feel like a racist or to be overtly called one for making the decision that is best for me and my family.

Honestly, these boards can be truly toxic sometimes, and are certainly not the welcoming community they are supposed to be.

Thanks for your input, but I think we'll go elsewhere in search of discussions on this issue, in the hopes that we can find people willing to talk about it in a way that is less judgemental and condescending.

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

I'm sure it does not bother you in the least that there are so many "full" AA children waiting for homes while biracial babies seem to be all the rage.

I'm not out to save babies from foster care--no matter what color they are. If that happens in the process of us adopting the right child for us, that's a wonderful benefit. I applaud those who adopt from foster care, but it's not for us right now, although we considered it initially. I hope I am not also judged for not wanting to fost-adopt, though it would not surprise me at this point.

I am adopting because I can't have my own kids. Anyone who has survived infertility is adopting for the same reason, whether they are honest enough to admit it or not.

I was not aware that biracial babies are all the rage. That's great. I had no idea. I was just presented with a situation where we are being presented with a potential match--our first ever--and wanted to discuss it in an adult way.

This is apparently not the place to do that.

[BethanyB]

ljsdo, Who said anything about saving babies from foster care? Wow, that was a pretty insensitive comment. What do you mean by that? There are plenty of AA babies available through adoption agencies.

[BethanyB]

Honestly, these boards can be truly toxic sometimes, and are certainly not the welcoming community they are supposed to be.

I SO agree with you.

[loveajax]

I'm surprised to hear that biracial babies are the latest "rage" ....where did that come from?

I am the parent of a biracial child...only three families in my rather large agency were "open" to adopting a biracial child (and none of them were black or biracial potential a parents). I have a facilitator friend who works with dozens of families and emails me every time she has a situation with a biracial child because none of the families she works with are open to that. I'd be curious to know more about this "rage." I haven't seen it personally.

[ljsdo2007]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

ljsdo, Who said anything about saving babies from foster care? Wow, that was a pretty insensitive comment. What do you mean by that? There are plenty of AA babies available through adoption agencies.

It wasn't insensitive. It was my truth. Please, back down. We are all in this together. Or at least we are supposed to be.

When AA babies are not placed through agencies, they can end up in foster care. That is what I meant.